Should I of gotten in the car?

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I have a friend with 2 kids, ages 5 and 10, her 10 year old has additional needs and can be quite hard work (suspected ADHD).

When we go out together, she has to drive because of the car seat requirement for her 5 year old. Lately her 10 year old will not get out of the front seat when picking me up, I’ve had to resort to sitting in the back with the 5 year old and her car is not overly roomy in the back seat. The last time I was in the back for 1 hour 20 mins each way and it was super uncomfortable on my back. In the past when I have managed to get in the front seat before him, he has kicked the chair constantly on the drive back.

Last week I was asked if I wanted to go watch their football game, so I said yes but that I needed to sit in the front seat. I reminded him of this on Monday when I bumped into them down the street. They came to pick me up this morning for 7.45am. He was not going to get out of the front seat, no amount of telling off or bribing or threats from his mum worked, and he was really shouting and winding the window up and down, if the door was opened he would slam it, my neighbour actually called out is everything ok? So I shut the door and said I’ll drive my own car and meet you there. She was a bit put out by this but I said my backs not been that great and I don’t want to sit in the back for 45 mins and he’s clearly not going to move.

So she left, I got in my car, but then realised that I didn’t know which football oval they were playing on. I tried calling her but no answer so I sent a text saying I needed the oval name and address and set off to the area I thought it was in. 15 mins into the drive I stopped for a takeaway coffee, no text response from her, called again and no answer. So I sent another text and said I’ll have to give it a miss as not sure which oval, and I went home.

I got a message from her at 11am saying it was a shame I missed out on their great day out and next time I should be a little bit more tolerant, because I know how their son can be, and that flexibility goes a long way in a friendship. I’ve responded that from now on it just may be easier if I drive myself, and that I’ve always been accomodating to her family’s needs, but the shouting at 7.30am was just to much for me.

Should I of gotten in her car? AIBU here to say I’ll drive myself from now on, so I can avoid all the drama? It does mean we can’t catch up in the car but to be honest he’s usually talking over the top of everyone and cuts you off so it’s not like the conversation is flowing well. I do enjoy spending time with them and she says she appreciates the extra hand as we typically do kid things when her husband is not available, and I always pay for lunch or dinner for us all, and my own entry into events. My children are in their 20s now so maybe I’m less tolerant. I do value our friendship, we’re the same age but I had my kids at 25, 27 and 30 and she had hers at 37 and 42 - we’re both 48 this year.

TLDR - would you sit in the back seat of a car if a child wouldn’t move for you? Or drive yourself.

Also this. As a parent of more than one ND kid and being ND myself, nothing is an excuse for bratty behaviour.

It’s little wonder these kids are growing up thinking the world revolves around them…as parents were supposed to teach independence. ND or NT might mean you change how you achieve those goals but the goal is the same either way…to produce a polite fully functioning adult who can take life’s ups and downs.

This is correct.

Children with ADHD need support managing their impulses. If they are allowed to act out, they will. My son has ADHD, and can be defiant. I have developed the negotiation skills of a God.

Sounds like your friend hasn't mastered this. If you don't parent a child with ADHD in a way that works, your life will be miserable. Constant arguments, stress, anxiety. I suspect she has fallen into the trap of letting her child have what he wants for an 'easy life', which we all know won't be easy in the long run.

Tough for everyone. YWNBU however I suspect she needs support.

now you know the whole situation isn’t going to change either say no to her or drive yourself

Not just for Aussies! Plenty of other nationalities love Australian Rules Football!
One single programme per week. That's all it was, that's all I ask! Given the amount of sport covered by every other channel, a bit of decent field-based muscle isn't much to ask!

Pendants on here love to be snobbish about both, and don't seem to realise that all they're showing is their own ignorance.

I would just cool the friendship really. His behaviour was terrible and she should have really dealt with him. Good luck to her, the world does not revolve around him and he's in for a rude awakening if he thinks he can behave like this and people will want to be around him.

Exactly, I don't know why you would have even wanted to see this child's match after how he behaved.

Agree . She’s not setting boundaries for him . He sounds like a brat .

I see, thanks. It must not have had high enough viewing figures. Can you watch it online?

It’s always fun when the threads get taken over by the grammar and language police. Did you all not know the number 1 MM rule is the queens English must be used at all time? Any regional dialects or other terms are clearly a breach of MM guidelines. Punishment is repeatedly being quoted and told how despicable you are.

Thank you. I am so sick to the back teeth of SEN being used to excuse atrocious behaviour by out of control children.

Why do you pay for everybody's lunch when you are together?

Why have you bought them a zoo pass for Xmas? I gather you are in Australia but in the UK that would be £200 plus and a more "normal" amount to spend on a friend's kid in my opinion is up to £10-£15. (I appreciate this would vary a lot in rich circles/God children etc)

Did your friend spend a similar amount on you?

I think your spending distorts the friendship. I think your friend would rather go to the zoo with you because you buy lunch - rather than her relatives who won't. Do you buy the treats/toys in the gift shop too.

It seems to me that you pay for loads above what is usual and babysit and your friend uses you. Scale it back. Suggest you take picnic next time you go out and agree who will take what - don't take it all! If she says she'd rather just buy lunch then say OK but you are cutting back your spending and will just get your own. Find out if she is still as keen to go out with you when you aren't paying for everyone.

Even if the child was just being bratty, rather than genuine additional needs, YABU to get into a fight with him about sitting in the front seat of the car and testing your friends parenting to that degree. As soon as it became apparent that he was not moving you should have stepped back and driven yourself or not gone. Squabbling in the street with a 10 year old over who gets to sit in the front seat is ridiculous.

I think it’s just better to drive yourself if you suspected any risk of this happening again. I would have tolerated it once then driven myself next time without much ado. I’d just apologise for the faff and move on. And not get in the car again with her kids until their older.

100% drive your own car. It isn't even worth discussion surely. Organise in advance so everyone knows what's going on.

If it would be great if it was that simple, but I can see you have no understanding at all when you say you wouldnt let him use it as an 'excuse' for his behaviour. ADHD and ASD often mean you have to parent a whole fucking lot more actually, constantly and exhaustingly. You see the one moment of 'failure' not all the other moments before when she possibly got it right over and over. It's endless, my DC still need the same kind of oversight their peers needed 4-5 years ago. There is endless therapy and support and scaffolding and teaching them to do things other parents take for granted, like learning to speak and endless hours of work on top of the norm so they couldnt write and hold a fork. I see how little attention other parents can give to their same age kids and I'm on high alert every time we're even just out in the backyard. You are on and actively parenting all the time, giving a 10 year old the same care needed by an NT 4 year old. It's easy to sit on the outside and judge.

Personally in this situation Id have either gotten him in the back when he first got in the car instead of trying to get him to move later or if I knew that wasn't going to work then I'd have told OP and asked if she preferred to make her own way or sit in the back. But it's possible OPs friend really values their time together and was hoping he'd move, or is so exhausted she can't think straight. Yes if my DC was kicking someone's seat I have and will pull over until it stops, now all it needs is a sharp word, but I won't assume that I know what this child's capacity is nor how burnt out his mum is. I think OPs idea to go on her own is a good solution, she shouldn't have to travel is an uncomfortable way or have her seat kicked.

You could be right re viewing figures, @PeppyGreenFinch ! I think one of the espn or some such provider does show matches, but expensive to subscribe for a game per week! Occassionally, a couple of Aussie Teams would play at the Oval (cricket ground), which was a Brucie Bonus
I need to go to Oz and warch a live game again!

She might find a friend who doesn't pay for all lunches and dinners like poor OP does

I think it's fine for you to not want to sit in the back, but that it was always going to end in disaster if the child with suspected additional needs was already in the front. In future they either need to drive to you with the child already in the back, or you drive separately. All the people saying that the child needs to learn aren't the one parenting the boy and know nothing about his needs. One of mine would cling like a limpet to "his chair" until hell froze over if anyone tried to sit there, because he can't cope with change. The other would happily and easily move as it's not an issue for him.

I find the grammar argument ridiculous. Language changes over time, with words being added, falling away and changing meaning. Grammar is an entirely invested construct anyway! Getting het up about it only annoys the pedant.

ADHD doesn't mean you don't parent. If that was my son I wouldn't let him use ADHD as an excuse to behave like this, I'd drive back home and he can go to football once he's learnt not to behave like that.

You mean once he has learnt not to have ADHD?

Presumably she couldn’t reply to a text while simultaneously driving and calming down a ND child who was upset and overstimulated.

But then if you're in NSW, footy is league 😆

Did you need to be rude about it though?
Could you not have gently pointed out the error?
Does it make you feel good to act superior?
Doesn’t make you look good, that’s for sure.

Being suspected of having ADHD doesn't give you a free pass to being rude and obnoxious. Everyone needs to learn to cope in the big wide world. The mum should have insisted on him moving - he does for his father so is obviously capable of doing so.

It sounds like you've been putting up with an annoying arrangement for too long, and it's all come to a head now.

I'm quite a tolerant person, but I personally wouldn't have the patience for this either, and as there is also a medical reason that you can't sit in the back, your friend should certainly be more understanding.

I do wonder why you always pay for their lunches, are they short of money? Especially when it sounds like you also help out with looking after the children, so I hope she reciprocates now and then.