I'm lying and I hate it.

[doingitnow]

I came out of an abusive relationship almost 16 months ago. We were together 11 years. Sometimes things could be good and I felt like we got on well but I realise how controlling the relationship was, how I was isolated from people. Friends and family. I was criticised and put down a lot.

I had to pretty much tell my ex everything and eventually did do automatically.
I had no privacy.

I won't go into detail. But it was really hard. And I was constantly walking on egg shells.

We have a child. But now live separately.
So we are in contact.

My ex will ask me about my plans or when I haven't had DC "where did you go / who did you see?" Etc. As if it's chit chat. But it doesn't feel like chit chat.

I have recently started dating and have found myself full blown lying to my ex.
I hate it. And I feel like I'm feeling anxious all the time from the lies.

My ex has rang me a couple of times when I have been on a date to ask a random question or ask where I am because they need something. And because my DC is with them, I'll always answer.

But I will lie about where I am, who I'm with. I feel so incredibly guilty. It's eating me up. I am constantly anxious because I feel afraid of being 'found out'. Even though I'm not doing anything wrong.

People say to me I should just say 'mind your own business' but that is impossible for me. It isn't as easy as that.

Has anyone been in this situation before? And what did you do?

It's not chit-chat though, is it? It's him trying to check up on you to find out who you're with and what you are doing.

I think it's probably too soon for you to be dating, and I'd encourage you to find a therapist who can support you. You deserve peace, you aren't doing anything wrong, but you do need to focus on yourself and heal.

Are you certain he isn’t tracking you?

I understand that you don’t want to be too confrontational and I would agree it’s sensible not too. However, can you practice some evasive responses?

’oh I’m really well thanks, have you got any nice plans with DD this weekend?’

’hoping to go out and about a bit this weekend yeah, better than being cooped up at home. Although I will want to get home to watch the traitors, are you watching that this year?’

or whatever that sounds chatty but doesn’t give anything of yourself.

Are you in therapy for the abusive relationship? You owe him nothing, only communicate about your child. Your thinking is still very much that you have to answer to him. You don't.

You need to stop talking to him unless it's about your child. You don't owe him anything, you've got nothing to feel guilty about.

Your ex is still trying to control you. Email only.

Bear in mind that you're not together any more. Do you pry into your exes life, ask them what they're doing? I doubt it very much. You're entitled to a life hon. And it's none of your exes business. All you're doing is making your own life miserable by feeling the need to hide things.
What is your fear about them knowing what you're doing?
Honestly, all you need to do is be vague. It's none of their business at all.
Sending you positivity and hoping you don't keep having to put yourself through this.
Happy New Year, happy new you 💐

It's not chitchat and you need to put in boundaries.

You don't actually need to engage in conversation with him, beyond factual about arrangements for dc.

It feeling "impossible" to put in that boundary of having a private life from him shows you're still under his control to some extent.

Limit his access to you and limit what information you share with him.

Part of you knows it's wrong that he still has this hold on you. That part of you needs to gain muscle.

I know it's hard to go cold turkey and straight out ignore him but you'll get there.
Start by deferring your response. Listen to see if he leaves a message. If not don't call back. If he does, see if the message is a. urgent (it rarely is), and b. concerns your DC (if so, see point a).

Practice getting him used to you not replying instantly.

When you do have to speak, practice leaving an uncomfortable silence if he asks anything about you. He doesn't get to do that. If you feel you have to reply, just go "grey rock" using emotionally boring answers "I dunno, yeah, maybe, haven't thought about it". But silence is golden.

I think it's actually healthy that you're not telling him what your doing. Turn the guilt on it's head. He should feel guilt at abusing you.

Agree re therapy for abuse, so you can break that trauma bond.

Wishing you the best.

Thank you for your replies. And happy new year. I've just realised it's midnight!

I do have an amazing therapist who specialises in abusive relationships. She is really great. But she's off over Christmas and it's now that I've started to feel even more panicked and guilty because we've been in touch a little more, therefore I'm lying more.

I usually try to keep responses brief like "yeah I didn't get up to much, just watched telly". Or whatever.

The person I'm dating is really lovely. Kind, thoughtful, very emotionally intelligent. We've been taking things really slowly which I haven't experienced before. And it feels nice. But my anxiety gets the better of me because I find it hard to not answer the questions my ex asks.
I'm so used to disclosing every single thing and having no privacy whatsoever.

I do try to do what you've suggested. One of the things is not replying straight away because I thought I had to right away.

The other nice, when I was with my ex and DC, I was texting someone and my ex questioned am I texting a new partner and laughed as if it was a joke. Then said to me "it's funny how you don't reply to me as if you don't look at your phone but you've been on it enough while you've been here with me"

Are you sure you're ready for this, OP?
Date if you want ... you deserve to have a bloody good time! And of course, owe your ex nothing.
But for your own sake, it might be better to wait until there's a cleaner break x

You're used to being controlled. And now that's not fair. You're no longer in that relationship and it seems you've found someone lovely. Concentrate on that and change your mindset to realising you owe your ex no explanation or anything else. You do you, forget the lying, just omit discussing anything that doesn't involve DC ❤

I wondered the same about tracking

@JMSA

We are taking it really slowly. And getting to know each other and I'm in no rush to be in another relationship. So that feels ok at the moment.

But I have realised how much I still feel an element of control and how I struggle with my boundaries. I've come so far. But feel like the Christmas period has taken me a few steps backwards.

I don't want to continue lying. Because I really do feel unwell from it and so guilty.

And I know that I'm not actually doing anything wrong. We are divorced. But it does feel like a trauma bond which is really hard to break.

Don’t respond to the PA ‘isn’t it funny…’ stuff, it’s designed to make you justify yourself so just ‘don’t’. Drop the rope.

@RosieBurdock
@AppleKatie

I did wonder about the tracking initially. And I think I was being. But I don't think I am now. I won't go into too much detail but there was a tracker in the car that was put there for other purposes which I've removed.

What is it you’re scared will happen if you don’t respond or say ‘that’s none of your business’? What’s the ‘big bad’? Absolute worst thing that could happen?

I wish you nothing but all the luck and happiness in the world.

@AppleKatie

That stuff is said all the time like "isn't it funny how you didn't like going for walks when we were together but now you go with your friends .. interesting that"

"Isn't it funny how you didn't like XYZ .. and now you do. I could swear you were just trying to make my life hard"

"Isn't it funny how you didn't do XYZ and now you do even when you know I wanted to".

It's said frequently.

im not surprised. Either ignore or or agree, ‘yes I suppose it is! Well life moves on. Ok, have you got X’s coat looks like rain tomorrow, see you Sunday!’ Is the goal.

@ForZanyAquaViewer

I don't really know. I just know I was scared for a long time. Scared of them being mad at me. I don't know.
When we lived together, it would be fear of being screamed at, belittled, having stuff thrown around, calling me all the names under the sun, following me around the house, keeping me up in the middle of the night having a go at me. All of that.

So I still feel that fear. Even though those things are unlikely to happen that way now.

If anyone recognises me from a past thread, please do not share my old username.

I think you need to have some filler phrases ready for when the questions come. Don’t answer just have something else you talk about.
”What are you up to this evening?”

”Oh I don’t know…oh I’ve packed dcs book in the back pack. I told her you’d read it at bedtime, I hope that’s ok?”

”Sleeping I hope, I’m shattered. Dc has xxxx on Thursday so don’t forget zzzzzz”

Even exes on the best of terms wouldn't be so upfront and say 'I'm on a date'
You are entitled to privacy and do not need to tell him every little detail
Keep it simple with the conversations with him

@AppleKatie

I do try things like that sometimes which can be quite effective so I'll say "yeah, I just fancied a change". Or "yeah I just thought I'd try it".

And the response will be "mmm yeah interesting really isn't it..." or something like that while I sit there feeling anxious wondering what the hell will be said next.