I'm lying and I hate it.

[doingitnow]

I came out of an abusive relationship almost 16 months ago. We were together 11 years. Sometimes things could be good and I felt like we got on well but I realise how controlling the relationship was, how I was isolated from people. Friends and family. I was criticised and put down a lot.

I had to pretty much tell my ex everything and eventually did do automatically.
I had no privacy.

I won't go into detail. But it was really hard. And I was constantly walking on egg shells.

We have a child. But now live separately.
So we are in contact.

My ex will ask me about my plans or when I haven't had DC "where did you go / who did you see?" Etc. As if it's chit chat. But it doesn't feel like chit chat.

I have recently started dating and have found myself full blown lying to my ex.
I hate it. And I feel like I'm feeling anxious all the time from the lies.

My ex has rang me a couple of times when I have been on a date to ask a random question or ask where I am because they need something. And because my DC is with them, I'll always answer.

But I will lie about where I am, who I'm with. I feel so incredibly guilty. It's eating me up. I am constantly anxious because I feel afraid of being 'found out'. Even though I'm not doing anything wrong.

People say to me I should just say 'mind your own business' but that is impossible for me. It isn't as easy as that.

Has anyone been in this situation before? And what did you do?

@Ohthatsabitshit

Yes I sometimes try to divert to something else. Anything really related to DC if I can.

It's hard because my ex will FaceTime me as if it's for DC but then will be asking me questions about things. I'll again divert to DC but it's hard when it's so often.

I haven’t seen your other thread (I don’t think).

I’m very sorry you went through all that and it’s fantastic you left. However, you still seem to be spending a lot of time and communicating a lot with your abusive ex. You need to fully disengage. Communicate sparingly and only about DC, stop spending evenings together, see him only at drop off/pickup (not even then, if it can be helped). He’s still a massive presence in your life and that’s unhelpful re healing and moving on.

@ForZanyAquaViewer

We've definitely spent too much time together. And people have commented to me because my ex uses this as an excuse to post it on social media that we are out together with DC.

Christmas has just really thrown things because we did have a couple of months of only seeing each other for drop offs etc.

It needs to get back into the routine of not seeing so much of each other. Because I do find it hard to say no.

My ex will often ask if I want to go round for tea and I'll say no most of the time. But Christmas has thrown that. Especially as I've gone through a bereavement over Christmas which I think made me even more vulnerable. So we've spent more time together than usual.

You really need to settle on a single phrase/concept that works.

”We are not discussing that.”
”No, we will not be talking about that”
”my business is my business “

Your abuser is a tricky person and you myst consider how to evade his hooks. Its not lying vs not lying. None of it is his business. You are not friends. You are enemies linked by a child. Limit limit limit interactions.

All the contact time you have with him where he can put you on the spot (phone calls or meeting in person) he has the ability to control you and set back your recovery.

What would happen if you weren’t available for all this contact?

'Ah well, I'm busy'

and when he says It's funny how...

(Don't say these out loud)

'I found out it wasn't me, it was you'

'Must have been the company I was in that made them unbearable'

'Yes, I found there are lots of things that I enjoy about life now I'm free of you'

say 'Yep, funny that'.

'We are no longer together. My time is now mine, so stop asking.'

'Why do you need to know? It's not your business any more!'

'I don't need to know anything about your life, over and above our arrangements for the children. Similarly, you don't need to know about mine.'

@Ohthatsabitshit

I think I'd get asked more questions. Like where was I? Who was I with? Where did I go?

At times when I haven't been totally available my ex has made comments like "it's hard to get hold of you these days. I'd probably be better off speaking to your neighbours to see what you're up to because they probably know more than me these days".

It’s too soon for a relationship give yourself a few years to heal.

As for the ex tell him/her absolutely nothing. They don’t get to know anything about you or control you in anyway anymore.

@Ohthatsabitshit

And that's from not having contact for a day. Because we are in contact pretty much every day because of DC.

He is trying to increase contact (and therefore control over you) and will use your child to do that. Keep contact to an absolute minimum necessary to facilitate handover and messages about your child. Tell him not to facetime you but message you instead. Don't respond to anything except necessary communication about your child. If he starts a conversation about what you've been doing etc, just say not much and cut the conversation short. You need to break the habit of feeling like you have to tell him anything. You don't - he's not entitled to know anything about your private life.

Double, triple check your phone.

I thought I had with mine and it was clear then later realised there was some apple family sharing thing on, I had no idea about it.

It will be killing him not knowing where you are or who you’re with.

It sounds like you're still afraid of him and what he could do to you. That's understandable.

But my advice is, don't respond.
You owe him nothing at all. He's still trying to control you and he's succeeding.

You need a buffer from your ex, due to the abuse.
He is still in your ear.

You have no need to share your new details with him, except maybe in a few years after your child has met one of your serious boyfriends who has become your fiance and you plan to marry.

Options ..
Buy a new phone for your new life.
Keep the old phone and number just for ex.

Only text communication and always wait a while before answering. Make drop offs and pick ups impersonal and preferably using a relative to meet face to face.
Keep a log of any bullying behaviour incase you need a court order to set "no contact" in place.

Don't entertain sharing any space with your abusive ex.
Yours is not a situation where having Christmas or birthdays together is healthy.
Keep details of your private dating life from your child and don't post about it on social media.

As others have said try to ONLY speak about your child OP, when he asks what you've been doing, answer with 'why?' When he asks you who you've been out with, say 'why?' Be like a child and keep saying 'why?' If he says I was only being friendly, say 'why?' Or I still like to know what you do, say 'why?' Or 'I'm just interested', say 'why?' He will get really sick of you answering everything with 'why?' And it will give you the opportunity to gather your thoughts and say you're no longer part of my life, why do you keep asking questions about it? Now, what time are you picking up / dropping off / etc

You need to out boundaries in place. Either voice calls only and only if it can't be said by SMS and otherwise everything is SMS and only related to DC. It won't be easily but stick to your guns or it will never get better.

I am going to be very very serious.

You feel bad for lying to him. He knows he is losing control. You are seeing a lovely man.

You need to keep away from your ex to the point where you are never alone with him. He is dangerous. He IS dangerous.

Have you done a Clares Law request? You should. This level of control is really really worrying. Once he finds out that a) you are seeing someone and b) that you lied to him about it (and the key thing) c) he didnt question your lies, he may react very badly.

Speak to Womens Aid as a matter of urgency and consider speaking to the police about protecting yourself and your child. I know that sounds dramatic, but honestly it isnt.

Above all, stay stafe, please.

You need to strengthen your boundaries. My therapist used to gives me scripts to use - we worked on the wording and I would then memorise and use them so I didn't have to think on the spot.

The golden rule was, answer nothing about me. Just grey rock. So contact to a minimum and only about your dc. Don't get sucked back in.

I also think you have a lot more healing to do. Breaking trauma bonds is hard work.

He's still controlling you.
You need to reduce contact to literally only discussing essential DC matters. One of those parenting apps might help facilitate that. No calls, no cups of tea. Could anyone help by doing that the handovers for you for a bit? Don't put yourself in a position where there is potential for any conversation with him. On the odd occasion it can't be avoided, have a few stock answers. 'We aren't together now, that's nothing to do with you'.
I'm afraid I'm another one saying you don't sound ready for a new relationship yet. New guy currently sounds great but I'm sure the cunt ex did at one time too and you're still vulnerable to shitty men.

Why do you need to be in daily contact? Just make it text only, and take your time responding. Only respond to practical childcare related things.

When he asks you what you’re up to: “Just this and that.” Repeat every time.

When you get a sarky reply, respond: “Ah well Steve, life moves on.” Every time. And then end the conversation or walk away.

What response are you afraid of? What’s the worst that could happen?

It really sounds like you are spending far too much time together. You are not together, not friends and are co-parents at best. 5 mins max to handover child and update about child is all that is needed.
Edited to add that these handovers should ideally be in public or at least on the doorstop, there is no need to ever enter his house or have him inside yours.

In an ideal world, yes, there would be times where it would be beneficial for a child to have both their parents at an event. This is not an ideal world. He is an abuser who is still controlling you, your actions and your emotions. Your child does not benefit from seeing their mother uneasy, cowed, tense or upset in the presence of their father.

My STBEXH asks me and I say "oh just out and about" or "running errands" or " caught up with a few friends". It's always in front of the DC so I keep it 'cheerful' but very vague.

You're doing great but you need to minimise contact and I would also get a professional to check your phone to make sure there's no way he can track you.

Isn't there a parenting app that you can use for communication only. You should have no contact with him at all. No days out together , no going to each other's house . Drop offs and pick up only. And even that can be done by a different person. The only reply to his questions is that this suits you better. He can't make you be friendly towards him he is your ex . And he doesn't need to ask you any questions except child related. Be civil for the child's sake that's all. Practice this and it will get easier.