I'm lying and I hate it.

[doingitnow]

I came out of an abusive relationship almost 16 months ago. We were together 11 years. Sometimes things could be good and I felt like we got on well but I realise how controlling the relationship was, how I was isolated from people. Friends and family. I was criticised and put down a lot.

I had to pretty much tell my ex everything and eventually did do automatically.
I had no privacy.

I won't go into detail. But it was really hard. And I was constantly walking on egg shells.

We have a child. But now live separately.
So we are in contact.

My ex will ask me about my plans or when I haven't had DC "where did you go / who did you see?" Etc. As if it's chit chat. But it doesn't feel like chit chat.

I have recently started dating and have found myself full blown lying to my ex.
I hate it. And I feel like I'm feeling anxious all the time from the lies.

My ex has rang me a couple of times when I have been on a date to ask a random question or ask where I am because they need something. And because my DC is with them, I'll always answer.

But I will lie about where I am, who I'm with. I feel so incredibly guilty. It's eating me up. I am constantly anxious because I feel afraid of being 'found out'. Even though I'm not doing anything wrong.

People say to me I should just say 'mind your own business' but that is impossible for me. It isn't as easy as that.

Has anyone been in this situation before? And what did you do?

He's being nice because it's part of the abuse cycle.

You know this.

Stop responding.

If he comes round, don't let him in. Hide if you must, but don't respond or let him know.you're there.

Don't tell him anything personal. Yes, he'll be hurt - because you aren't complying, rather than because of the specifics of.what you're doing. That's OK. You aren't responsible for his feelings.

Get back in touch with Women's Aid. Do the Freedom course (if you've already done it, do it again).

If you move house, don't give him the new address.

Look up trauma bonding and you'll see yourself right there!

Can't you get a parenting app and use that for contact? There is no need to have any other contact at all. Give your child a phone for emergencies and tell them not to let dad use it. Put some boundaries up.

@doingitnow sorry but that sounds a bit iffy to me! he just "happens" to ring you when you are out on a date to ask where you are??? does he have a tracker on your phone at all??? get it checked!

@InAnotherUniverse

It is seeing the world through my exes eyes. I had to. For years. And I know I still do it. Any decision I make, I can hear my exes response, criticism, telling me I don't know what I'm doing or I've made a bad choice or telling me I'm too 'vulnerable' to know better, telling me people are taking advantage of me. And it goes on and on.

The rumination has always been there and it feels like it's less than it used to be. But still there sometimes.

@allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld

I haven't had it checked. I don't think I can see any dodgy apps. Would the phone shop know?

Laughing and saying it's none of your business anymore covers everything! And you aren't lying because it just isn't his business anymore.

Hi OP,
Lying is making you anxious but you need to get used to not saying what you are doing.
If you are asked what you are doing "nothing much" etc is fine but if you are pushed then "We are no longer together and so I no longer need to keep you updated on what I'm doing" /"It's really none of your business" or even "ok on a date if you must know" and if he asks doing what "none of your business".

You have said you are scared of hurting your ex by dating but you are divorced. You need to move on with your life. Even if you are taking things slow a new person will only be happy to be a dirty secret for so long. You are a single person and have nothing to be ashamed of.

When your ex says things like "You never went for walks with me...."
I would say "yeah well you don't feel like it when you are feeling low do you?" or "yeah I've totally changed I feel like a different person - it's great".

Check that your phone doesn't have any "find my phone" apps.

Check that your ex's email address or phone number isn't the recovery back up for your emails.

Do your kids take devices to dad's which receive your emails, WhatsApp, Facebook, texts? Don't assume they don't- if they are set up with your email address then they might.
Did your ex take a computer that you are logged into? You could make sure you change your password and "log out of all devices" then log back in to your own.

Jesus OP you poor thing. He sound unbelievably sinister.

I understand a bit that stomach ache feeling. Not the same at all but I lived in fear of my DM being mad at me as a child and into adulthood at the squirmy awful feeling that's they're angry and going to freeze you out for days can be all-consuming.

What a giant sized bastard he is, I hate him.

Why are you in daily contact? This is way too much contact, that’s why you find it hard to separate, as you aren’t really are you?

As others have said, you need to lessen the contact and information and just talk about child related issues (but not every day!).

You’re still very much in an abusive and controlling relationship with your ex. You need to find a way to put in some boundaries while maintaining a co-parenting relationship, which I appreciate isn’t easy. You’d be best placed to take advice from both women’s aid and your therapist about how you do this in a way which is safe but allows you to build some independence and allows you privacy.

My ex has rang me a couple of times when I have been on a date to ask a random question or ask where I am because they need something
I think he knows where you are when he rings. Too much of a coincidence. And that is stalky

It is seeing the world through my exes eyes. I had to. For years. And I know I still do it. Any decision I make, I can hear my exes response, criticism, telling me I don't know what I'm doing or I've made a bad choice or telling me I'm too 'vulnerable' to know better, telling me people are taking advantage of me. And it goes on and on.

The rumination has always been there and it feels like it's less than it used to be. But still there sometimes.

It won't go fully until you have firm boundaries.

It's the only way.

At first it's hard, but then it's easy, and then it's second nature (and much more naturally and free).

When you hear his voice in your head, say a firm NO! And then say the opposite, straight away.

So when you hear the familiar "you don't know what you're doing", say, "No! Not true. I definitely do. And even if I am unsure I will find my way because I always find my way"
When you hear him say, "you've made a bad choice", sharply retort: "not true! My choices are as good as anyone else's".
When you hear him say, "you're too vulnerable to know better", say "bollocks to that! I know ways to keep myself safe, I'm really good at knowing better."
When you hear his criticism, "people are taking advantage of you", reply, "no they are not! I'm learning to be good at judging other people and keeping myself safe".

It's a mental game of tennis but what it does is slowly weakens his control; his voice in your head is replaced with your own quiet and self assured voice, steadily taking up the space he tried to, and once did, but now can't because you've stopped going along with it.

This isn’t good advice - don’t be “chatty” with him, this will lead to a real lack of clarity. Don’t respond with questions which will lead to conversations about your lives. Be boundaried. Only discuss issues directly related to your child.

@doingitnow

Also - do not discuss anything of your private life with DC.

Nothing!

It doesn’t matter how nice your ex has been, you owe him nothing and you are entitled to not talk to him and move on. He sounds smothering.

I would check your phone or get someone else to. Or back up your photos etc and do a factory reset. I would get a new ‘burner’ phone and give your ex that number.

It doesn't matter that he's being nice now. It doesn't matter if he feels hurt by your choices. It doesn't matter if he doesn't want you to date anyone else. It doesn't matter if he is unhappy about you wanting a private life.

He is asking you all these questions and making all these 'jokes' so that he can continue to control you. You are letting him. He is essentially forcing you to lie so that he can turn around to you and accuse you of being a liar and the bad guy. It's a trap and it's working (sounds from those 'jokes' about how you always check your phone when with him that he is already calling you a liar in a thinly veiled way).

But you aren't his partner. You don't owe him loyalty or honesty or control (and you didn't owe him the last of these things even when you WERE his partner - he just acted like you did).

Of course he's going to be upset about you keeping things from him, moving on, dating, having your own life. He still expects to be able to control you. People are upset when they don't get what they want. But is this fear of his upset worth ruining your life and providing a terrible behavioural model to your DCs?

I realise it is really hard for you. As you say, you're used to telling him everything. You've lived your life like this for so long that it is almost as though you've been programmed to respond in this way. I can't imagine how tough it must be to have to deal with that and to be in your shoes.

I urge you to stop this though. Only you can stop it. You CAN stop it. Rather than lying or trying not to reply to messages so quickly or do any of that other gentle stuff, I would rip the bandaid off by being honest and direct. 'I've noticed that you ask me a lot of questions about what I'm doing and who I'm with. I've decided I'm not going to answer any of those questions from you anymore. We aren't in a relationship and I have a right to a private life, just as you do. It's my life and my choice to live it as I wish.'

If reading those words makes you feel uncomfortable - eg if you find yourself thinking they're not true in some way or that he does have a right to ask you these things - you need to have those tough conversations with yourself, affirming how important your life is and how you can't let fear of his disapproval or upset control you anymore. Hopefully your therapist can help with this.

By giving in to hm again and again in all these small ways you are feeding his power over you. You are also probably feeding his own addiction to knowing what you are doing and to controlling you.

Just don't speak to him about anything other than basics relating to children and their movements. If he tries to ask you about anything else just don't respond to the question. What's he going to do? Nothing. He's not part of your life anymore. If I were you I'd not bother having contact unless in an emergency. I'd also not feel guilty about lying to him.

You do not need to be in contact every day. No face time everyday etc.

Stop speaking with him. This is the nice part of the abuse cycle.

Start using a parenting app to communicate through so it's all in writing and you can ignore anything unless it's DC related AND needs a response.

You need a fixed contact schedule and to stick with it.

Happy new year to you too!

I agree re the boundaries. I don’t think it’s a good idea to start being obviously confrontational with this dangerous man however. Detach, grey rock, give nothing of your personal life away and gradually cut contact to nothing for sure, but if you do it in a flash it’s going to antagonise and potentially fail.

OP you’ve done so well so far, he is your Ex, you are living separately and you are starting a separate life. Celebrate these successes and see how you can make the separation even deeper until it is complete.

My ex was controlling and it was complicated in terms of communication in the early days. I also found he thought he was fine to let himself in the house - I stayed in the marital home - help himself to coffee, he wouldn’t take his shoes off and tracked mud through. I had to put boundaries in place.
One of the best things I did was get a PAYG SIM for an old phone for communication with him. Blocked him on my normal phone. This way I only see contact from him when I chose to. He was messaging me and distracting me while I was at work. Later I found out he kept the Ring doorbell on his phone so he could see all my comings and goings and m

Happy new year to you too!

I agree re the boundaries. I don’t think it’s a good idea to start being obviously confrontational with this dangerous man however. Detach, grey rock, give nothing of your personal life away and gradually cut contact to nothing for sure, but if you do it in a flash it’s going to antagonise and potentially fail.

OP you’ve done so well so far, he is your Ex, you are living separately and you are starting a separate life. Celebrate these successes and see how you can make the separation even deeper until it is complete.

What @Greywarden said (By giving in to hm again and again in all these small ways you are feeding his power over you. You are also probably feeding his own addiction to knowing what you are doing and to controlling you) is completely right.

Think it through a moment.

1. You worry that he's feeling hurt
2. You think answering his invasive questions is you being nice which will stop him hurting

But he's your ex!

Now ask yourself:

1. Is it okay for an ex to constantly ask questions like this?
2. Is it right for you to have to answer questions that should now be private, because the person asking is your ex?

And finally, imagine your DC in the future. What advice would you give them?

1. You must always answer every question an ex ever asks you
2. When someone is an ex you, would not expect them to be asking any personal questions at all

..my visitors! That was a year after we split! Make sure you’re logged out of all devices that show location. Change your passwords. You need to Grey rock your ex. Brief replies. I get that you hate lying. I’m neurodivergent and I hate it too, but he’s not entitled to privileged information about you any more, The more you step back, the easier it becomes.

OP you do not need to be having any kind of “chit chat” with your ex - this is friends territory and is not appropriate when you have been in an abusive relationship.

He was abusive to you and clearly still has massive control over you and your emotions - and he knows it.

You need to put your boundaries in place. If he calls you and it is not about your DC you need to ask “what did you want? Is everything ok with DC?”. If he asks what you are up to then be blunt. You need to be clear that you are not friends- the only communication should be abut DC - keep it formal. You can not be friends with someone who abused you.

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about - nothing. He has no right to know anything about your life- absolutely NONE of his business. Every time you feel guilty you need to remind yourself that is what he wants. Don’t let him spoil your new life and new relationships.