I'm lying and I hate it.

[doingitnow]

I came out of an abusive relationship almost 16 months ago. We were together 11 years. Sometimes things could be good and I felt like we got on well but I realise how controlling the relationship was, how I was isolated from people. Friends and family. I was criticised and put down a lot.

I had to pretty much tell my ex everything and eventually did do automatically.
I had no privacy.

I won't go into detail. But it was really hard. And I was constantly walking on egg shells.

We have a child. But now live separately.
So we are in contact.

My ex will ask me about my plans or when I haven't had DC "where did you go / who did you see?" Etc. As if it's chit chat. But it doesn't feel like chit chat.

I have recently started dating and have found myself full blown lying to my ex.
I hate it. And I feel like I'm feeling anxious all the time from the lies.

My ex has rang me a couple of times when I have been on a date to ask a random question or ask where I am because they need something. And because my DC is with them, I'll always answer.

But I will lie about where I am, who I'm with. I feel so incredibly guilty. It's eating me up. I am constantly anxious because I feel afraid of being 'found out'. Even though I'm not doing anything wrong.

People say to me I should just say 'mind your own business' but that is impossible for me. It isn't as easy as that.

Has anyone been in this situation before? And what did you do?

God what a tedious tosser your ex is. I don't know him but reading the passive aggressive crap he comes out with makes me bored of him.
Your posts are all about him OP, I suspect you have little energy left for yourself. Follow the advice given by the professionals at women's aid. And Lundy Bancrofts "Why does he do that?" Is a real eye opener.
You did so well divorcing this twat now you need to recover and learn new ways to live.
I don't have tons of advice but one thing I find helps me when I'm anxious and unhappy is watching sunny feel good TV. I recommend Abott Elementary and Death in Paradise.
Best of luck in getting this loser out of your head. I'm so so impressed with you for escaping legally. And so what if he was nice to you about your bereavement! Random strangers were nice to me about mine recently! I'll stop now, your ex really annoys me, twat that he is.

Its not chitchat, and dont let him railroad you into lying. Set that boundary, just point blank tell him you wont be discussing anything other than dc arrangements. That might be frightening, but you arent free until you do.

Check “find my phone” - he could have that set up for your phone. (To “help” if you ever lose it…)

lean in to your inner toddler “why?” Is a good answer to “where are you”.

“where are you?” “Why? Do the dcs need me?” Or if the dcs aren’t with you just “why?” If he’s “just asking” don’t answer the question- ask back “do you need something?”

remember you don’t have to answer anything he asks and you don’t have to respond to a statement (eg if he says “you didn’t like walking before” you literally can just shrug and say no words. You don’t need to talk to him about your life.)

OP the way he's saying it is trying to control or provoke a response from you.

You need to practice responses that give less of an answer to him

So when he says "isn't it interesting.... "You can say

"Indeed" and then switch into DC chat "oh whilst i remember DC did this funny thing yesterday"

If he responds with "mmm interesting "

Say "Indeed " again

Keep saying it. Same response every time.

This x100.

I'd definitely be wondering if he's still tracking you because he seems way too involved in where you are and who you're with.
Start 2025 afresh. Remember, he has no right to. be told anything about your life now unless it involves something to do with your child. You're not doing anything wrong, so there's no reason to lie. Just discuss things on a need to know basis. Good luck

OP, you've done so so well getting free of him. I also think it's great that you are recognising a slip and aware of his attempts to control you and aware of the need to tighten your boundaries. You also know deep down that his niceness is a temporary thing - consciously or unconsciously designed to loosen your boundaries and can snap back to abuse in an instant. Im absolutely sure you haven't overestimated how bad it was. What you have said makes it super clear how sinister and controlling he is.

The up to date examples you have given of how he is interacting with you- pushing for information, passive aggressive digs about changes you are making, all make it crystal clear he hasn't changed one bit. (And he never will- these are fundamental, deep-wired, character-level flaws).

So well done for being aware of the risks, getting therapy, and also finding ways to help yourself through the Christmas period without her. And you are doing all this on top of suffering a loss. You are stronger than you think you are!

I think you have received a lot of great advice in this thread. I will say that I would NOT follow the advice of the few people who have suggested aggressive, sarcastic or mocking responses. While your ex deserves that, That strikes me as potentially dangerous. As others have said, controlling men who realise they are losing control can be dangerous. These aggressive, sarcastic responses can enrage unnecessarily and create an argument/ more engagement. Much much safer and more effective to grey rock. Passive, unsatisfying responses, that shut things down. Zero oxygen to the flame.

It's great that you have reached out for support here, through the break from your therapist. Maybe also take time to read more support websites.... it will just help empower you and give you that boost of will that you need right now. Good luck!

One simple solution ... change phone to an Android. For WhatsApp calls you can decide whether to answer with camera or not.

How often does he have DC? You don't need daily contact unless he sees them every day.

This is what I'd do:

Tell him 'From now on I will ONLY discuss DC" - I know this may be hard for you to do - how do you think he would react to this? Have replies ready for his possible responses - like "There is no NEED to discuss anything else."

Have stock answers ready for when he will inevitably try to turn the conversation -write down a few & practise saying them out loud.
Buy a new cheap phone - use this for communication with ex only.
Get your phone checked for hidden tracking apps.
When he says, "Isn't it interesting..." reply, "No it's really not interesting."

Please don't feel guilty for lying to him. That's what he's conditioned you to feel. You are 'lying' to protect your privacy so lie all you want - it's none of his business what you do.

If he FaceTimes, always dump the call then phone him back/ message him. Every time.

if he questions it “I don’t like FaceTime.” He liking using FaceTime doesn’t mean you are obligated to use it. What he prefers isn’t what you have to do.

Btw you are doing great- you just need to be brave enough to enforce boundaries that work for you, not him.

Or, even, "we don't FaceTime exes".

As you only need contact with him regarding your child, do it through one of the apps. You can grey rock for everything else.

It can be difficult to recover from abuse, but you're doing really well. Kudos for knowing that this is an issue and asking for advice. Don't beat yourself up about it. 💐

@doingitnow take all the tech gadgets to a comp shop and get them to clean the all of trackers. some work in the background and you cant really see them. also check the wifi at home and change that password too. leave no stone unturned

I was coming on to post this.

Daily contact is not needed. Do not initiate contact unless it's an emergency.

Lock down and block on all social media.

How old are your DC and what are contact arrangements? Does he collect? Have them ready to go. You do not need to invite them into the house. Do you drop off? Are they old enough to get out of the car on their own?

I'm sorry for your recent loss and with Christmas things have got blurred. 2025 is going to be different. New boundaries. Start the year how you want it to continue and stick to it.

First of all well done for divorcing him. That must have been very difficult and taken some sort of guts to get away from him.

If you had the determination to do that you CAN stop him controlling you.

The first thing I would do is call the police helpline. They will listen and offer you advice, and importantly the call will be logged.

As much as he’s determined to control you, you’ve got to be more determined to not let him.

When he phones you don’t answer it.

When you go out switch it off or leave it at home.

When he kicks off about it say you’ve lost it, and you’re not replacing it.

WHO CARES IF HE BELIEVES YOU OR NOT!!?

The only communication from now on is by email.

It’s your LIFE not his.

He’s well and truly trained you into being a frightened wreck. Time to train him to fuck right off.

Be as strong as iron and don’t be scared of him, but you must Stick to it.

It’s a new year and a new start and time to stop being his victim. Good luck 💐

It isn't lying, do you tell strange men in the street what you are doing, or let them use your loo?

That is all he is now, someone you used to know. You have to stay strong, you have done all the hard work splitting up, don't let him suck you back in.,

And I agree about getting a new phone and changing every single password you have ever had.

But set the phone up from scratch- do not copy across the old data, instead log into every account (after changing your password)

Have you got fixed contact days for the dc? Then no contact is needed on days when you are the person who has them. Stop going round to his and don’t let him into yours, why would you allow him access? Dc ready at the door or meet outside, zero need for ex to enter your house. Tell him you aren’t comfortable with him coming in. Equally, stop going to his property and spending time with him, he’s still enmeshed in your life, you don’t need that level of contact with your abuser. Keep telling yourself your life is none of his business. You are still vulnerable to his horrible behaviour and by allowing yourself to accept his invitations, you are opening yourself up to further abuse. If he asks where you are, be brave and tell him it’s none of his business.

Stop that.

No face time. He wants to see where you are and who you're with

And slowly introduce emails - set up a separate account. Use that for any communication
Every time he texts, respond by email and keep it to the children, nothing else

You don't need to spend ANY time with him

Is anything court-ordered? If not, it should be

How old is DC? It's absolutely not necessary to have that level of contact

And it will

Ring women's aid

And when are you seeing your therapist again?

Can you stop taking his calls?

Ask him to text if its to do with your dc. You really need to reduce your contact with this man.

Just message him "bad reception pls text if its important"

It doesn't matter if he doesn't believe you. You don't have to respond. If it's genuine he'll send a message.