I'm lying and I hate it.

[doingitnow]

I came out of an abusive relationship almost 16 months ago. We were together 11 years. Sometimes things could be good and I felt like we got on well but I realise how controlling the relationship was, how I was isolated from people. Friends and family. I was criticised and put down a lot.

I had to pretty much tell my ex everything and eventually did do automatically.
I had no privacy.

I won't go into detail. But it was really hard. And I was constantly walking on egg shells.

We have a child. But now live separately.
So we are in contact.

My ex will ask me about my plans or when I haven't had DC "where did you go / who did you see?" Etc. As if it's chit chat. But it doesn't feel like chit chat.

I have recently started dating and have found myself full blown lying to my ex.
I hate it. And I feel like I'm feeling anxious all the time from the lies.

My ex has rang me a couple of times when I have been on a date to ask a random question or ask where I am because they need something. And because my DC is with them, I'll always answer.

But I will lie about where I am, who I'm with. I feel so incredibly guilty. It's eating me up. I am constantly anxious because I feel afraid of being 'found out'. Even though I'm not doing anything wrong.

People say to me I should just say 'mind your own business' but that is impossible for me. It isn't as easy as that.

Has anyone been in this situation before? And what did you do?

You need to cut contact unless it's directly related to your DC and even then it is not usually urgent.

Frame it as a new years' resolution? First set his contact to be muted on every possible platform. Send him a single text tomorrow.

"Hi X

As of today I will no longer be contacting you unless it is about DC. I feel that the boundary has become blurred and this is not helpful for DC. Going forward into the new year I have decided to have a clean break. Please do not contact me any more unless it is in relation to DC."

Then turn your phone off so you're not tempted to reply since he will instantly call/bombard you with texts. It will drive him bonkers but after a month or two he'll get used to it.

He's still controlling you. Counter his questions with a question:

'what are you upto this weekend'? 'who are you seeing'? 'have you got a date?'

Counter with 'why do you ask?' every time

Reading your posts made me angry on your behalf. you've done the hard work of leaving this abusive man. yet you're still walking on eggshells around him. You should be healing from the abuse but it won't happen while you're pandering to him and doing family days with him.

Be blunt, 'I'd rather keep conversation to dc, that way things are clearer.'

Him: 'oh I'm just making conversation.'

you: 'oh don't worry about that, we're not together anymore. I'd rather we speak only about dc, I prefer that.'

I've been you and all I can say is this:
You owe him nothing @doingitnow . Go live your amazing new life.

You know well its not chit chat.

You need to tell him that from now you'll only be in communication wrt the child you share and no other topic. He can text you or email you about the child, but you won't be taking phone calls.

Do you and ex have a court ordered visitation schedule or co-parenting agreement?

When I left my ex at first I actually swapped phones with my sister for a month so he couldn't reach me. If he wanted to contact me, it had to go through her. I got my mum to screen my emails for me. There was one she really was unsure if she should let me read, I didn't in the end. I still don't know what it said.

I also did all handovers of DC at my mum's house for a while. Once I was feeling more confident, I changed this to meeting him in a public place and eventually he did pick DC up from my house but I never let him inside.

This was really helpful because like you I probably wouldn't have been able to say that stuff IRL.

It also helped when ~3-6 months after we split up and he had instantly got together with someone else and then she dumped him, he started sending me texts (presumably while drunk) about how sad he was and how everything he touched turned to shit. It just felt so much easier at that point to reply saying "Sorry to hear that. Please don't text me unless it's relating to DC" - he actually respected the boundary from that day on I honestly never would have believed it.

And you absolutely must stop seeing him socially.

Are you afraid to say no to him?

Are you afraid to set out rules about communication?

Have you ever had the support of Women's Aid in dealing with him?

If not, I urge you to contact them -
0808 2000 247

Yes to this.

The OP needs to stipulate that he can only text or email, and only on the topic of the DC. She can also ask for a reasonable number of texts or emails. She can say she will try to get back to him on reasonable, necessary texts or emails within 24 hours.

But no more phone calls.

You don’t need to be in contact everyday. It sounds really unhelpful. Could you find something to do that makes it impossible for you to respond? Try not to respond on Mondays. When that’s become normal add another day. You are just too busy those days. Swimming or the cinema if you can’t hold your nerve, or something like an evening class. Teach yourself to do it.

I agree with all the PPs - he's trying to draw you back in (and succeeding).

You need to cut this off.

No socialising, no chit chat, no facetime, no visits. You shouldn't be sitting there wondering what he'll say next because there are no circumstances in which you should be sitting.

Communicate only in writing, only about DC. Handovers in public with no conversation. Have a stock phrase: "Must dash. See you at [next handover time]". Always say that and only that. If he tries to start a conversation: "Sorry, must dash. You can send a text if it's about the kids." Then go.

A friend of mine got a brick phone for communicating with her ex really cheap £10 and cheap sim deal , no face time, no tracking possible
block on the old number
give ex that number for emergency’s only and stipulate he is not to ring it unless it’s a true emergency for example he is taking child to hospital anything else he rings your mum or a nominated person like a friend who is willing to be go between .
use a go between for all arrangements
for example if I was your mate and acting as you go between he would have to ring me to let me know he was running late for pick up or ring me to say he wanted to pick child up at 3 o’clock tomorrow and don’t forget swimming kit , I pass on message to you and pass back your “ok” or whatever you wanted to say
at pick up you make sure your mum/ friend neighbours whoever does the handover - never you , any important info like “ they’ve had calpol at 4 o’clock and had a late nap so will be hungry soon” can be passed on by mum / friend / neighbour

you literally stop all contact between you and him , only info that ever needs passing on is medication, if they’ve had nits , head bump nothing else

never answer your phone on a date ever ! Tell ex he is not to ring you when it’s his contact

if child is small you make a short video of you saying “ night night darling mummy loves you blah blah “ and you make that video before drop off and post to ex at pick up so he has no idea if you go out / stay in or go in date your child can watch that video over and over if they’ve want

I’d second having someone there at handover if you can.

Don’t answer your phone, text back straight away and say you can’t talk at the moment, are the children okay? Do it every time and don’t respond to anything not child related and important to be answered there and then. Hopefully he’ll get the message and back off.

You're not lying. You're keeping some things private. This is really hard when you've been used to sharing everything. He is still controlling you via contact with the children.

I don't know why he's in contact every day but it might be easier if you can block him and set boundaries about contact.

I think you're amazing to have left him and to be keeping boundaries and testing the water with a new person.

Keep going. You're doing well xx

Yes, this is really important OP. This is a dangerous time for you and if he does find out about you dating anything could happen. Please get some professional advice from Womens Aid or other charities on how to handle this situation.

Get your phone checked, there might be trackers on that you haven't found.

I don't want to frighten you but over 80 women were killed by men in 2024 (that's just the cases where someone has been charged, not all the women who died). Over 53% of those were killed by partners or ex partners and others by "men known to them". Many had children under 18, some had children killed at the same time as them. Some were murder suicides. Many of these women had not suffered physical abuse before the incident (though of course many had) and here were "no signs" he'd be so violent. But controlling men turn scary when losing control.

As other people have suggested, cut down the contact to a bare minimum. You do not need to see him at all outside of child handovers. Do not let him in your house, Don't go to his. Don't go out together with him and your child. Remove as many chances for snarky comments and direct questions from him as possible. Could someone else do child handovers for a while? Stop answering his calls and messages and stop replying straight away. Standard non committal replies when you must communicate with him.
Be on your guard and keep your property securely locked up. Get a video doorbell. I'm not being a drama queen here, this risk is real.

I wouldn't count it as lying the abusive ex doesn't need to know the ins and outs of your life.
You're protecting yourself by not telling him anything.

You can't break it unless you initiate very low contact. That's why he keeps calling you. Intuitively he knows it keeps you on the hook. It's time to cut him off if you want to break free and live your own life. Use email only and only discuss practical matters concerning your child. No personal talk. Nothing about your life. Always be brief and impersonal. Stick to it and he'll eventually give up. Be aware that he may rage when he realizes he can't control you, though. All the more reason to stay away from him.

How old are your children?
Why do you feel you need to be in contact with him everyday?

You need to stop spending so much by time with your EX; handovers should only entail a 5 minute debrief, he shouldn't be stepping over the threshold and into your house.

Don't answer immediately he calls. Let it ring out sometimes and for him to leave a voicemail. There will rarely be an occasion of true emergency which needs your immediate response. In any case when you listen to the message you can do your own due diligence on what the issue is.

Don't go on FaceTime yourself with him. If he is calling for the DC, pass the phone to them while you watch TV or whatever.

@doingitnow Then, each time, reply

"Haha. Yeah, it is funny, isn't it?"

You don't owe him any personal information. It's nothing to do with him. There isn't any reason to lie, to tiptoe around him, to answer these personal questions, to respond to his digs, to play his game. You're allowed to be be happy. Put yourself first.

If you don't feel strong, you could just ignore the question, and immediately move the conversation on. You owe him nothing!

I think you shouldn't engage with him, at all, unless it is to do with your child. Do not answer a call from him, let it go to voice mail, if he texts you about something, which is not to do with your child, delete it. You do have the strength to deal with it, but you will have to dig deep.

To answer some questions ..

I tried to make it so my ex wasn't coming in my house but my ex texted me one day to say "I can see I'm not going to get an official invite to your new house so I'm coming round now".

So I just grabbed DC and went for a drive and replied to ex saying I was out.

Then my ex showed up another day and was knocking on the door, ringing the bell, shouting up to the window "let me in" saying "I'm bursting for the loo" and all that.

But then over Christmas my ex was being nice and kind and supportive around my bereavement which really threw me.

Answering other questions - I have had contact with women's aid during the relationship but haven't been in touch with them for months now.

I'm worried about my ex finding out I've lied about dating. I can say "well I wanted to keep it private" or whatever but I'm worried my ex will be hurt. And also that I'll get asked lots of questions.

I feel guilty because I've elaborated on some daft lie of what I'm doing today and my ex has asked lots of questions about it and the lies have been spilling out of my mouth and now I've had stomach ache because I'm so nervous they'll find out I'm actually seeing the person I'm dating. And I feel awful that I've lied.
I've said I'm going to a friends house and I'm dreading my ex driving past my friends and seeing my car isn't there.

I also feel bad because my ex has been nice lately and it makes me doubt what happened. Even though I have it recorded I think "could they really have been that bad when they're being so good now? Maybe I was exaggerating".

I know this can happen and I know the nice behaviour can change in an instant.

Can you not just reply with “whats up, why are you calling” and just ignore any questions he asks you.

Can you just put on your best secret agent voice and say; "if I told you I'd have to kill you... or lie, and I don't think I'd like to lie".

The being nice is all part of the abuse cycle. He draws you in, makes you doubt yourself, and then lashes out again.

This all sounds very very abusive and I think you still have work to do to get yours truly safe.

The aim is to detach. full stop. He has to become insignificant to you. Don't reply to any message that isn't about your dc. Don't let him in the house, ever. Don't answer the phone - let it go to voicemail.

To answer some questions ..

I tried to make it so my ex wasn't coming in my house but my ex texted me one day to say "I can see I'm not going to get an official invite to your new house so I'm coming round now".

So I just grabbed DC and went for a drive and replied to ex saying I was out.

Another time, could you say, "you're my ex, so that's not appropriate"

Then my ex showed up another day and was knocking on the door, ringing the bell, shouting up to the window "let me in" saying "I'm bursting for the loo" and all that.

My ex did this. Afterwards, I told him he needs to pee before he leaves the house because he's used up the one and only toilet pass my generosity will allow.

He's never asked again.

But then over Christmas my ex was being nice and kind and supportive around my bereavement which really threw me.

Typical! It's got a name. Reeling you back in. Officially it’s called ‘hoovering’. I’d look it up if I were you; educate yourself. It’s hard to walk into a trap if you've already seen it’s there.

I'm worried about my ex finding out I've lied about dating. I can say "well I wanted to keep it private" or whatever but I'm worried my ex will be hurt. And also that I'll get asked lots of questions

You have to harden here. If you see the world through your hurt exes eyes, or anyone else's for that matter, you will lose your own view on life. Sounds like you already have and you WILL get it back in time, but only if you stop seeing the world through his eyes. You had to, to stay safe, but now you're free and the rules have changed.
He will never release you: you have to do this. It is hard the first time but you could come here and we will support you - the more you practice it, the easier it becomes. And how good and right it feels!

I feel guilty because I've elaborated on some daft lie of what I'm doing today and my ex has asked lots of questions about it and the lies have been spilling out of my mouth and now I've had stomach ache because I'm so nervous they'll find out I'm actually seeing the person I'm dating. And I feel awful that I've lied.
I've said I'm going to a friends house and I'm dreading my ex driving past my friends and seeing my car isn't there.

Yeah, it's not working for you at all, is it? His way doesn't either, so you need to be honest.

"I'm your ex. It is not appropriate for me to answer details about my life because you're my ex. You're not supposed to know."

Expect him to act hurt because he knows that always used to work. When he realises it doesn't, he will eventually stop.