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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To complain about a GP calling me this?

367 replies

lolit · 31/12/2024 21:37

He called me a good girl while examining me. Should I complain or am I overreacting?

OP posts:
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5
DontshootmyRaptors · 31/12/2024 22:33

ThatKhakiMoose · 31/12/2024 22:00

Ugh, that's absolutely gross and completely unacceptable. "Good girl" is a phrase form the dom/sub dynamic of the kink community. I bet he's into kink and secretly got off on saying that, knowing you probably wouldn't pick up on it. A thousand times yuck.

It’s not a phrase it’s a term. It’s also often used by dog owners and vets. Maybe he drifted off and was thinking about walking his dog. Less dramatic. Less creepy.

Hwi · 31/12/2024 22:34

Put them in their place all the time, each time. I don't understand the UK's reverence towards doctors, never will. Every time a GP or any other doctor tries to call me by first name, I demand to know their first name and when they say 'my name is Dr so and so' I always say 'no, you addressed me by my first name, and I shall be addressing you the same'. GPs should not get respect, they should earn it. Definitely follow up - say 'I was too shocked to say anything at the time, how rude it was, so now I am drawing your attention to it'. It is this misplaced admiration that makes women consent to intimate examination when they came with an ear/throat/etc. complaint.

Some nurses are equally mad - one, when saying hello to an elderly relative I accompanied to hospital, started calling her 'dear' and even stroking her cheek!!!! I was so shocked - I never said anything and regret it now, but I was genuinely speechless.

beetr00 · 31/12/2024 22:34

Mooshroo · 31/12/2024 22:02

People must be so exhausted being so angry all the time. It may be viewed as patronising but for the most part it’s harmless. No wonder no one wants to work with the public anymore.

really can't agree @Mooshroo

It's not anger, it's certainly not harmless, it's patronising and condescending and this is the 21st century fgs

Have a read, maybe change your mind?

surreygirl1987 · 31/12/2024 22:35

Moveoverdarlin · 31/12/2024 22:31

I think you’d have to be there to make a call on it. If he’s 64, and you’re 21 I can understand why he said good girl. If you’re 52, it’s a bit odd. Bit condescending but perhaps he was trying to put you at ease.

I handed my grandfather a cup of tea and some shortbread today, he said ‘oooh she’s a good girl’. I’m 44. I know it’s patronising but hey-ho.

Only you can say whether it was pervy or not, if he was examining your tonsils, I’m guessing he probably wasn’t.

It’s not something I would complain about, but if he made you feel uneasy I wouldn’t see him again.

Edited

And it's entirely up to you if that bothers you and if you want to say something. Your choice.

This has bothered the OP - understandably - and it's her choice if she wants to say something.

Original poster
lolit · 31/12/2024 22:35

VegTrug · 31/12/2024 22:32

Please don't embarrass yourself.... Or him.

Show quote history

Why shouldn't men be embarrassed for being sexist and making women feel uncomfortable?

OP posts:
BananaSpanner · 31/12/2024 22:35

Hwi · 31/12/2024 22:34

Put them in their place all the time, each time. I don't understand the UK's reverence towards doctors, never will. Every time a GP or any other doctor tries to call me by first name, I demand to know their first name and when they say 'my name is Dr so and so' I always say 'no, you addressed me by my first name, and I shall be addressing you the same'. GPs should not get respect, they should earn it. Definitely follow up - say 'I was too shocked to say anything at the time, how rude it was, so now I am drawing your attention to it'. It is this misplaced admiration that makes women consent to intimate examination when they came with an ear/throat/etc. complaint.

Some nurses are equally mad - one, when saying hello to an elderly relative I accompanied to hospital, started calling her 'dear' and even stroking her cheek!!!! I was so shocked - I never said anything and regret it now, but I was genuinely speechless.

Edited

Someone didn’t get the grades to do medicine.

LunaTheCat · 31/12/2024 22:36

I am a GP and would never say good girl to anyone older than about 5… especially after and examination.. may say “well done” or “it’s a horrible thing to have done”.. kind of acknowledging distress…. I am 60 and quite old and even when training that sort comment looked down on.
i have been same practice 20 years … i know my patients very well .
I would definitely flag with practice manager
I am sorry that this happened.

surreygirl1987 · 31/12/2024 22:36

DontshootmyRaptors · 31/12/2024 22:33

It’s not a phrase it’s a term. It’s also often used by dog owners and vets. Maybe he drifted off and was thinking about walking his dog. Less dramatic. Less creepy.

Show quote history

So... you're saying he spoke to the OP like he would his dog? Well that's so much better 🤨

Mooshroo · 31/12/2024 22:37

VegTrug · 31/12/2024 22:28

🙄🤦🏼‍♀️ FGS you need a thicker skin than this. No, I'm not saying he was right to say it but it's one of those offhand comments he possibly regretted as soon as he said it. It's certainly not worth embarrassing the GP in front of all his colleagues for! It wasn't sexual harassment or god forbid, anything physical. If it's part of a pattern of behaviour or he says it again, that may be different. But not for one singular slip of the tongue.

This comment has reminded me that good girl can actually be sexual harassment in the workplace albeit that specific judgment did have additional details such as social media photos or something along those lines. I’d have to look it up.

VegTrug · 31/12/2024 22:38

@lolit You mean he smiled?! That's called trying to put you at ease! 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🙄

Thindog · 31/12/2024 22:38

WTF??
If you don't like the way someone addresses you then say so at the time. Otherwise let it go.

DirtyFencePanel · 31/12/2024 22:39

Get a grip

Bellyblueboy · 31/12/2024 22:39

I would be interested in understanding the life experiences of the people who think this is okay.

have they become decentised to sexism and misogyny? Do they raise their daughters to think this is okay?

do they manage women - do they tell them to ignore and tolerate and excuse casual sexism in the workplace? Do they expect their daughter in law to have dinner on the table for their sons? Do they say women make awful managers because they are bitches? Do they judge working mothers? Are child free career women vapid lonely bitches who can’t get a man?

ForsterMcLennan · 31/12/2024 22:39

Mittens67 · 31/12/2024 21:50

I think a complaint is justified. He needs it brought home to him that this language is not acceptable.
Does he say “good boy” to men I wonder? Or offer a choc drop or bonio after?!
It is all the worse given it was said whilst you were in a vulnerable position ie being examined and because he is a health professional who should be aware that a patient’s dignity is extremely important.
I am a retired nurse and would say that a formal complaint is entirely justified.
If nobody complains he will continue to think is acceptable behaviour so in complaining you are helping all the other women he will go on to upset in the future.

Absolutely this. I’m shocked at the replies on this thread. If we don’t complain about this kind of thing, when the fuck will it end?!

Unless of course he’s a completely balanced and fair GP and doles out ‘good boy’ with equal fervour during intimate examinations and the like.

CrowleyKitten · 31/12/2024 22:39

I would find that patronising at best, and sleazy at worst, depending on the situation and tone of voice.

Bethany83 · 31/12/2024 22:40

lolit · 31/12/2024 22:12

A lot of people are assuming he said it a condescending tone, so the response on this thread made me question why is it exactly it made me so uncomfortable and I realised it's because he didn't say it in a condescending tone, but in a sexual one tbh. It gives me the shivers just thinking about and I have decided to definitely report him. It's my duty to at least try to stop him from making another female patient uncomfortable.

When I read your original O.P I instantly assumed it was in a sexual tone. If it made you feel uncomfortable I would definitely say something. It is was intentional on his part then it's a very sly way of exerting his power on you. If it was unintentional/slip of the tongue/he was being careless, then you are helping both others and him not to be in that situation again. Ignore posters saying you are being sensitive etc.

Original poster
lolit · 31/12/2024 22:40

VegTrug · 31/12/2024 22:38

@lolit You mean he smiled?! That's called trying to put you at ease! 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🙄

Be careful, you'll sprain a wrist with all that reaching

OP posts:
CrowleyKitten · 31/12/2024 22:40

TheM55 · 31/12/2024 21:52

I would find it an odd slightly creepy phrase to use, but I probably would just laugh at it with my mates / family, especially if I didn't object at the time and there was nothing else that was off. Often you can change doctors at the same surgery, or ask if there is a female doctor to see. Complaining is over the top. I once had a GP asking me to take my panties off, and I found that a bit of an odd term too, but put it down to me being slightly weird about the word "panties", preferring almost anything - knickers, pants, underwear etc. It was a female GP, but it wouldn't have mattered, still found the turn of phrase a bit off-putting.

ugh. I HATE the word Panties.
it always sounds so pervy!

Minimili · 31/12/2024 22:40

I had a painful steroid injection in my feet and was warned before about how painful it would be.

I was really nervous about it and the doctor giving the injection knew that I already suffer from severe anxiety and had been dreading having it done.

I was absolutely fine in the end but afterwards my doctor patted me on the arm in a comforting way and said “well done, good girl I’m proud of you for getting through that” I’m 40 years old and wasn’t offended, I laughed and asked if I could have a sticker next time or a lollipop. We both laughed at that.

The difference is my doctor was a woman and I was acting like a bit of big baby 😂.

If you were uncomfortable OP and felt like it was said in a creepy way to you then that’s completely different. I think you should have included in your OP you felt it was said in a pervy tone, there is a difference from feeling you’ve been patronised or violated.
Most women recognise when men say something with a sexual undertone and the fact you were having an intimate examination means it was highly inappropriate.
I would mention it if it happened to me, I often get a survey from the NHS about the care I’ve received and I’d include in that. It happens too many times where women are too scared of not being taken seriously in these situations and the offender gets away with it and continues, often the more they get away with it the more the behaviour escalates.

I think it’s important that women flag up any inappropriate behaviour right from the beginning and don’t just try to shrug it off. It might just be a comment made to them but the next woman could end up being treated much worse.

Differentstarts · 31/12/2024 22:41

My gp says some right random things but I think its more a language thing as he's not English. Also it could be he's been dealing with children all day and it literally just slipped out. I'm sure we've all said thing and thought wtf straight after.

beetr00 · 31/12/2024 22:41

lolit · 31/12/2024 22:40

Be careful, you'll sprain a wrist with all that reaching

Show quote history

fabulous

Mooshroo · 31/12/2024 22:42

beetr00 · 31/12/2024 22:34

really can't agree @Mooshroo

It's not anger, it's certainly not harmless, it's patronising and condescending and this is the 21st century fgs

Have a read, maybe change your mind?

Show quote history

Well yes my follow up comment does mention if in a gynecologist setting or similar that it would change things.

Your quoted article is an article about an MN post.

“Based on thematic analysis of discussion on Mumsnet”

…Deja vu?

ForsterMcLennan · 31/12/2024 22:42

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 31/12/2024 22:33

You shouldve said something at the time, youre now churning it over abd its getting bigger. At my surgery GPs always ask for a chaperone - didnt yours

You don’t request a chaperone in case the GP says something weird! Who would anticipate that?

KilkennyCats · 31/12/2024 22:45

ThatKhakiMoose · 31/12/2024 22:00

Ugh, that's absolutely gross and completely unacceptable. "Good girl" is a phrase form the dom/sub dynamic of the kink community. I bet he's into kink and secretly got off on saying that, knowing you probably wouldn't pick up on it. A thousand times yuck.

Oh, give over 🙄

KilkennyCats · 31/12/2024 22:47

How exactly were you in a vulnerable position, op?
If it was an intimate examination you’d have had a chaperone in the room, surely?
Are you trying to suggest you felt he might attack you?!