To think of you're going to answer questions with "yeah.." or "no...." At a social event, then fuck offfff

[fanaticalfairy]

Why bother coming out to meet people if you can't even engage in basic conversations with people who are all there to get to know each other?
We were out for a birthday brunch this morning with about 20 people, some we knew, some we didn't as it was for a mutual friend (Graham)
Me .. spying someone unfamiliar at our table..."hi, I'm Fairy, what's your name?
Him: "John "
Me: "great. How you know Graham "
John: " through a friend, Steve"
Me: "oh, yes I know Steve, he's lovely, how do you know Steve?
John" work'
Me: "So, what do you do with Steve?"
John: "Software engineer"
Me: "great what kind of thing? Im a software engineer too..."
John: "Nothing interesting....'
Me: "Oh... Ok. So ... Got any holidays booked?"
John: "No."Tumble weed

"Ok, lovely to meet you ... I'll go and see Graham is okay "

Ugh

Have you got kids is THE worst question to ask someone.

I'd love it!

He’s there for a birthday.. Not to get to know people. It’s a bonus if he does but not the reason he is there.

I absolutely despise being asked questions by strangers and would have probably shut down and thought stop being nosy.

Maybe take up interviewing as a new career.

@fanaticalfairy , I think the problem is you.

You can't disagree that it's fairly standard to ask people what they do.
You can disagree that YOU would ask that question, but it's just a fact that it's a common question.

I agree, unless the topic naturally comes up. Asking about work/jobs is banal but perfectly socially acceptable IMO.

I really need an answer to this, please. Assume you didnt know anyone but host. Would you just stare at your plate?

Why go then? Its a birthday brunch, it's going to involve talking to people. If you don' t want to do that, don't go?

@MumblesParty depends on the situation and how comfortable it felt, and how much masking felt necessary.

If I felt like it and it wasn't going to last long I'd do an excellent job of masking and you'd have no clue and would think I was super good at question answering as I've practised so can be very good at it. That's very draining and I'd end up disappearing off the loos to recalibrate.

If I felt like it and questions were about work I might then go all in with far more information than the small talk rules allow and you'd get long answers, cos I can say a lot about my work cos I like it. But then I'd breach the talking too much about myself and getting too passionate small talk rules but I'd get carried away. (This is also how you find the other neurodivergents as they'd counter with their own 'too much information' so we'd back and forth info dump)

If I'd already done a lot of small talk or the environment felt uncomfortable and the people unsupportive (we read people a lot), or if I'd just walked in so hadn't yet adjusted to the transition then I might give brief answers to try and make it stop.

They can't.... Because it's fairly standard chit chat procedure to answer questions with more than one word and if in doubt, ask the same question back to the other person.

Not just being rude and not engage.

I suppose he may not have realised there'd be strangers there.

Oh god, I can't stand people like that. Like trying to get blood from a stone; it's just conversation! It's not an interrogation to be social - these aren't awkward teenagers shuffling around glumly at a house party. Surely they know they're being rude by giving monosyllabic responses and not even doing the basic polite thing of asking a question in return.

Plenty of times I've not felt like chatting, or not had much in common with someone...but I do, because I'm not going to sit there and be rude! Had an ex like this and he was so embarrassing; everyone was always asking "is Mark okay?". Agonising watching him just sit there while nice people made an effort to include him in special occasions.

Being shy is one thing, being socially poor is another entirely.

Does it particularly matter?

Apologies for not being clear that I disagree that it is a fair question to ask.

OP I am neurodivergent and have always struggled with social anxiety. I don’t find it easy to initiate conversation with others so I would really appreciate your trying to include me. You did nothing wrong and I think that John was very rude and hostile.

Really? I don't think it is.

I've made plenty of friends with this method of interrogation...

How would you start a conversation/what would you have asked?

I have been in a very similar situation OP but at a sit down formal dinner. I was at the end of the table opposite a man I did not know, and a couple of acquaintances. I tried valiantly to start a conversation using many similar questions but he just stared moodily off to one side and gave me monosyllabic answers. In the end I gave up and chatted to the acquaintances further up the table and we all had a lovely chat whilst he sat there looking like there was dog shit on his plate.
I get that some people are introverts and that some have anxiety and some may just not feel like chatting but at a social event I think everyone should make an effort for the host. After all, how would you feel if you threw a party and everyone sat around in silence giving each other moody looks?

So if no one speaks at the birthday party, how is that celebrating the hosts birthday? Do you all just stand around staring into space? How dull. I met my best friend at someone's party, got chatting, liked the same things, went on holiday together 3 weeks later.

The shame is firmly on you with a response like that.

...still waiting for the amazing ice breakers and incredible conversation openers....

Exactly

Perhaps not. But it was likely.

But doesn't mean you have to be rude.

So am I, as apparently I am nosy.
A pp said she would share about cosplay. I would love to hear about that. But I suspect some wouldnt.

I dislike being asked lots of personal questions particularly by random people I'm never likely to see again. The point of the party was to celebrate Graham not interrogate people you don't know. Why not mainly chat to the people you do know? Introducing yourself and asking his name and how he knew Graham is fine but I'd have stopped after that if he wasn't forthcoming. Why do you care what his job is?