To think of you're going to answer questions with "yeah.." or "no...." At a social event, then fuck offfff

[fanaticalfairy]

Why bother coming out to meet people if you can't even engage in basic conversations with people who are all there to get to know each other?
We were out for a birthday brunch this morning with about 20 people, some we knew, some we didn't as it was for a mutual friend (Graham)
Me .. spying someone unfamiliar at our table..."hi, I'm Fairy, what's your name?
Him: "John "
Me: "great. How you know Graham "
John: " through a friend, Steve"
Me: "oh, yes I know Steve, he's lovely, how do you know Steve?
John" work'
Me: "So, what do you do with Steve?"
John: "Software engineer"
Me: "great what kind of thing? Im a software engineer too..."
John: "Nothing interesting....'
Me: "Oh... Ok. So ... Got any holidays booked?"
John: "No."Tumble weed

"Ok, lovely to meet you ... I'll go and see Graham is okay "

Ugh

If someone thinks I am sat there ands staring at them, then they are probably just as invested in this non-verbal interaction as me.

I have been people watching for all of my life. I just look like someone sat there and minding my own business.

One word answers, to me, are still polite. OP asked John things, and one word answers did actually answer what she was asking. She just wanted more which is some rule of small talk.

Why are you choosing to assume that they are just staring at random people and being mute?

It really isn’t hard to observe without staring at people for ages. It’s a glance around, takes seconds.

Because they said they had been a plus one at weddings and they do sit in silence ..

Maybe they thought you were annoying and didn't want to talk to you. 🤷

If I don't know someone, then it is very hard for me to engage with them. As a plus one at a wedding, I am not there to network with people I will never ever meet again, and in my brain, I do not see the point in this small talk crap.
It takes up spoons I do not have.

It totally depends on the situation. Other than the holiday question I don't think any of the questions are wrong but I wouldn't fire question after question when I wasn't getting anything back. It's usually clear if someone doesn't want to talk to you. I'm autistic but even I've learned to read this better than I used to.

And..?

That doesn’t mean they are just staring at people.

There is typically plenty to look at at weddings without staring at people. Gone to enough gatherings where there are people who are sitting back and enjoying the atmosphere alone or sitting quietly next to someone. I wouldn’t assume that someone not saying anything was going out of their way to be rude. I wouldn’t assume it had anything to do with me and maybe they are just one of those quiet people, have personal stuff going on, didn’t want to be there, but had to to keep peace or promised, etc.

If they do a smile, a hello, some type of acknowledgment, that is polite enough for me. If they’re sitting there nodding along with other conversations, I consider that engagement even if it isn’t spoken.

Human interaction is reciprocal but it also should be a choice. I wouldn’t choose to force conversation on people unless I need/have to, party or not. Someone not open to talking, fine, leave them to their own devices and find someone who is.

The point is it can be an effort if you are very introverted. Just because OP wants to talk doesn't mean you have to. Why does what they want seem more important than how you feel? It really depends on the situation for example if there are four people who don't know each other at a table then I'd make some effort to talk but if we're all in couples at a function I wouldn't keep talking if I didn't feel like it.

@XenoBitch

I totally get what you’re saying. I’m a huge people watcher/silent observer. It’s nothing to do with staring at people, it’s about sitting back and taking in what’s going on around you.

Id call myself selectively social. With my friends and people I feel at home with, im very chatty and open. However if im with unfamiliar company, I will sit back and weigh up the room. I’ve perfected a look where I don’t get approached very often by strangers for a chat which is perfect.

And contrary to what many on here may think, I’ve got a lot of friends and I get invited out socially all the time

Exactly the same here.
I am glad someone gets it.

You asked why that poster was assuming they are say there like a mute and I answered by saying that they had said they sit in silence at social events…

I recently at a party asked:

What do you like to do for fun?

But it's not just how you recieve communications. It's your assumptions about motives - you have decided these people are false and have malign intent, and you don't appear to be open to the idea that your assumption may be incorrect.

Ha I would feel really awkward with this question - like an interview question where I have to make something interesting up but - I’d try not to show it though and would come up with an answer so I didn’t make the person asking feel bad. I’d much prefer ‘how do you know Michael’ etc type questions. Each to our own though!

I think there’s another angle too, women are far more likely to be socialised to be people pleasers and try to make polite conversation and make other people feel included, behaving in a socially acceptable way (aside from all of the comments here about how asking someone how they know another friend and what they do for a living is now socially acceptable but 🤷‍♀️)

I’m an introvert, but will do this. Men often aren’t conditioned in this way, and if they don’t want to speak, will just feel comfortable giving one word answers, for example. So, it is entirely possible that he was just rude.

I’m not lonely, I have plenty of friends and I’ve never been left out at work.
I don’t need to get to know anyone or make new friends.
i’m simply there to see the host. I probably wouldn’t stay for the full time, just long enough to see the host

I don’t have autism and I’m not socially awkward. I am happy to answer when someone knocks on my my door.

I would speak to others present, to say hello or pass a few pleasantries, but I don’t want a barrage of questions from a stranger

"I absolutely despise being asked questions by strangers and would have probably shut down and thought stop being nosy"

It was a perfect response to that! 👆🏻

What a rude and nasty attitude to a friend of a friend.

So now you're saying that friendly people think too highly of themselves?

Unlike you. You're making it clear that you're proud to be an unpleasant person.

If you're ND, some thing you learn very quickly is that NT people can say one thing and mean something completely different. That they pretend interest in you, when really they have no real interest. It means that we find ourselves constantly second guessing what people's ulterior motives are in talking to us, etc.

And before anyone says oh no we don't do that, there are posts in this thread that are literally telling us that we should pretend to be interested in random strangers, because that's what "good guests" do

There's plenty of people defending her position.

Really? She wants people who don't respond how she wants to "fuck off".

I mean, that's not something unique to ND people. We never know people's motivations. You can't judge from the outset whether they're genuine, whether they're nice, whether they're predatory, whether they're trying to be a good guest or whether they're trying to commit identity fraud.

But I do think there's a space between the second guessing and declaring all interactions like that to be false or fake. And I don't think the latter is unique to ND people either, and we're all no doubt shaped by our experiences. But I do think there's dissonance between simultaneously saying you like watching people, but not allowing for the idea that there might be people who genuinely enjoy chatting to strangers, and that doesn't make those people fake.

Edited upon rereading your post - I guess what I'm talking about is the elision between "can" and "are always". Yes, people can have different motives to the way they present. That doesn't mean they always do and that's what I find interesting in both ND and NT people - our baselines of whether our starting point is assuming good, benign or negative motivations in others.

I genuinely do enjoy chatting to strangers
I didn't always. But without going into outing detail, my life has demanded it.

I think nearly everybody has something interesting about them.

so prevalent nowadays
“Yeah hun no hun three bags full hun” bore off love 🙄

Yes, everyone has something interesting about them.. but they are not obliged to reveal it.