To think of you're going to answer questions with "yeah.." or "no...." At a social event, then fuck offfff

[fanaticalfairy]

Why bother coming out to meet people if you can't even engage in basic conversations with people who are all there to get to know each other?
We were out for a birthday brunch this morning with about 20 people, some we knew, some we didn't as it was for a mutual friend (Graham)
Me .. spying someone unfamiliar at our table..."hi, I'm Fairy, what's your name?
Him: "John "
Me: "great. How you know Graham "
John: " through a friend, Steve"
Me: "oh, yes I know Steve, he's lovely, how do you know Steve?
John" work'
Me: "So, what do you do with Steve?"
John: "Software engineer"
Me: "great what kind of thing? Im a software engineer too..."
John: "Nothing interesting....'
Me: "Oh... Ok. So ... Got any holidays booked?"
John: "No."Tumble weed

"Ok, lovely to meet you ... I'll go and see Graham is okay "

Ugh

MN is a congregation of misanthropes. Many are parents too. Wonder what kind of attitude to others and social skills they model to their children..

See, I would find your suggestion over familiar and annoying. I wouldn’t find that an appropriate social response at all, telling a stranger to ‘come on’ and calling them a ‘nerd’.

This was just a routine social interaction, it really is not that deep.

If this guy was shy, it would be a help if you had taken the lead for a few minutes and talked more about things and let him listen, process and think.

Right, and then the OP would have been told by 657 MNers that she was a tedious self-centred narcissist engaged in a boring monologue.

Person: Hi, John, how are you today?
Normal response: I'm fine, thanks, and you?
MN response: OMG, she's prying into my private medical history!!!! What a hideous inquisition!!!!

Someone once asked DP the dreaded What do you do question.
He replied, 'A treacle miner', he once told someone he was a pro footballer. He said they were shaking his hand all night at the footballer ruse.😂

If this guy was shy, it would be a help if you had taken the lead for a few minutes and talked more about things and let him listen, process and think. You could have just told him about YOUR holiday plans for this year, told him where you went last year or about where you'd like to go money no object, and this could have sparked some interest from this guy and given him an actual starting topic of discussion.

He is just some guy she sat beside at a party. How much work do you think it is reasonable to expect someone to put into drawing someone out, especially when this person isn't prepared to put in any effort themselves?

Exactly.

If you're referring to my post, my son is 21. A young man. He isn't a teenage boy. And "chatting shit" is just what I'd call any inoffensive small talk. It wasn't derogatory. I just meant that it's not a conversation about anything deep. "What do you do?" and "how do you know the host?" ARE safe and inoffensive opening gambits in police society, I agree. No-one could take offence at that. But it is quite offensive to have someone dismiss you as rude if you do actually answer the questions, just not in a way which makes it easy for the other person to carry on the conversation. There could be multiple reasons for that. It would be kind to have that in the back of your mind and try a slightly different approach.

I wonder if OP mentioned this person to the host? Whenever i've met people like that at such occasions, I'll speak to the host and say "I just had a quick chat with John. He seemed very quiet, is he always like that? It was hard to carry on the conversation." The host may have said "Ah, yeah, that's just his personality. He's happy to just sit with others and observe, don't worry about it."

Or he may have said "Well, he's naturally more on the quiet side, but he's just been dumped by his partner and I think he's lost his confidence. He's been trying to make more of an effort to speak to new people but he finds it excruciatingly difficult. If you ask him about x/y/z topic he'll probably talk a bit more."

He may even have said "ah, I know, he's actually a bit of a prick. Judgemental, tends to not want to give someone the time of day if you don't appear to offer him something useful. I wouldn't have invited him but it was an open invite amongst my team."

You call that work? 😆It's just a different style of conversation. It takes no effort.

I dont share about my holidays any more after someone told me " Great for you. We can't afford to go on holiday". Creates resentment in this climate.

Now that really is a rude response to you!

Times are very tough for many at the moment. Have stopped sharing about treats except to close friends.

The thing is though, in the vast majority of social circles that approach would be considered rude. How often do we hear of people complaining about other people who only talk about themselves? So on balance, unless you already know something about the person you are attempting to engage with, the OP's approach would be the safer and more obvious one.

Omg because they literally can't do anything else!! You can.. as a nuerotyical person you can be flexible.
Obviously autism is a spectrum so autistic people will have a wide variety of ability regarding social skills..
But some autistic people really will only be able to answer you in literal answers. They won't understand how to chat. It's not something that can always be taught, depending on how the person is effected by their autism..
I'm autistic and I'd know to ask questions back and not give one word answers.. I'd find it hard but I could do it. However I know other autistic people who would just freeze and say very little and I know some for whom it just wouldn't register at all that there was any issue in factually answering questions. It can be a disability. Some people can and do just try harder.. but other people literally can't.
God I wish you could spend just one day as someone severely effected by autism. Then you wouldn't say bloody stupid things suggesting they were getting some kind of easy ride in life because people sometimes need to cater to them.. ffs. Can you honestly not see how hard someone's life would be having limited social skills like this and being unable to do much about it??

And just to add you don't 'have' to cater to people like this.. literally all anyone is asking is for you not to be cruel.
Try talking to someone that's fair enough.. but it's the anger towards them if they don't seem to respond as much as you'd like that's the big issue. It's the expectation. Stop being horrible and just talk to someone else. Don't get angry at someone about their limitations. That's just so unkind.
You say their needs trump yours but in what way?? In what way? You need to be chatted to, then go chat to someone else.. because most of the people in the room will be able to chat to you.. why fixate on someone who can't?

They're just rude then. I've been in that situation and always enjoyed listening to people's stories of their travels (unless they droned on and on in minute details about logistics or timetables.

Depends how one shares the info I suppose. I mean if you're not sure on the other person's financial situation (they could be about to be or just been made redundant) and then you say "well, we had this amazing sea front villa suite in Barbados, the hummingbirds used to pay a visit daily to our private garden. We had a private butler who sorted everything for us, and housekeeper and chef. It was amazing. We've booked to do the same type of thing in the Hamptons this summer. We tried a yacht but it was a bit of an extravagance really so we're back to the private villas. We make up for it by going business class, SO much nicer."

It's all about taking cues from the other person, isn't it? Body language as well as spoken word. A flash of distaste across the eyes. An uncomfortable shifting in the seat. Someone leaning forward to hear better, or just a general look of enthusiasm at what you're saying, a spark of interest in their expression. A look around the room at anyone other than you with a slightlly bored look on their face.

These threads always get so many different answers because everyone puts their own slant on it, including me, and tthe only person there to witness all these other cues was OP.

There are also some autistic people who do manage to learn and adapt and take part in social norms. It’s patronising to suggest otherwise.

And NT people are not a homogenous robust Teflon-coated group who skip through life without any anxiety or social issues. They can also experience nervousness, rejection and overthinking after difficult social situations.

And ND people can be upset by other ND people not responding to them.

And how do we even know this man was autistic? Some people are rude in life, ND or NT.

It’s just not that black and white. We can be sensitive to all people in social situations, and consider their needs. Regardless of diagnosis.

Im the very opposite of a socially anxious person. I love chatting to anyone or everyone. But the thought of playing an ice breaking card game at a social event would make me not want to go.

Well before covid - I answered a direct question about family holiday - we got a good deal by prebooking well in advance but UK based and modest and got told off by few people similar way.

oh your poor sister can't afford one and friend husband how can you afford that - in both cases they then went on to book two weeks aboard in much fancier places. I think it was more a way to have a dig how dare we have anything.

Either we get looked down on as haven't booked, it's not good enough or even if it's modest it's too good for you.

So yes I tend to deflect such questions now often by being vague and asking their plans or suggestions base on their favourite holidays but think most people are just being polite and trying to find something to talk about.

They BOTH changed. But their personalities didn't completely change. He realised he was on a fools errand trying to uphold the dignity of his status and that he made bad decisions in doing that and hurt people. She realised she had made snap judgements about someone and projected on to them, due to their quiet reserved nature. She had thought him arrogant and then comes to discover the pressures he is under, and that he was trying to do the right thing and protect people he loves.. however goes about it in a misguided way.
Both have knee jerk reactions to each other at the beginning but slowly get to know each other better. No ones personality changes. Lizzie is still bold and intelligent and outspoken.. Darcy is still reserved.. they just understand each other's motivations and intentions better and come to greatly admire each other.

And there's a lot that you could read as autistic in Darcy actually if you wanted to. The proposal going so badly as he just matter of fact lying explains his thouht process not understanding how offensive that's going to come across.
His strong sense of justice that he gets fixated on but sometimes leads him to do things that hurt others or be very rigid in his thinking. His rigid adherence to social concepts he was taught as a child.
He's not a bad person deep down but he doesn't understand how to charm or flatter by saying things he doesn't really think. And he can lack empathy at points because he gets fixated on a concept.. like how he has to protect his friend from the ridicule associated with Lizzies family.. or that Jane doesn't really Like his friend because she must be fortune hunting and he has to protect people from this as his sister was almost prey to it.

I haven't suggested otherwise. I literally said that I am an autistic person who has learnt to do otherwise. You are the one who is being patronising. There are many autistic people out there who simply cannot just 'try harder' and this idea that everyone could is just very traumatic for them.
And this man didn't sound textbook rude. He answered all the questions. He just didn't open them out. Which is a flag of autism. Or some kind of nuerodivergence.
And no not all NT people are the same.. some have a lot more empathy than others too!! Clearly.
And I venture to say that any NT person who sometimes struggled socially themselves or did overthinking. Would in no way be sat there thinking John should fuck off and that he never should have gone to his friends birthday party in the first place if he wasn't chatty.

The thought of an ice breaking card game just sets my teeth on edge. It’s treating a relaxed social event like a 90’s team building work training course.

Id be dashing for the ladies and staying there til those cards were packed safely away.

He sounds like hard work and i think most reasonable people would rather sit next to you who has a chatty style than someone with mo social skills and comes off as rude. Give those "types" a wide berth in future

Same.

I think you just have to try and pick up the fuck off vibes earlier or be thicker skinned and brush it off more easily.

Agree.

I have had plenty of people sit next to me at parties where I know only the host and a handful of people, if that.

I acknowledge them with a smile and a nod. I take in their demeanour, whether they return my smile, say hi, ask if I mind them sitting with me or introduce themselves before I go further. It may be a party but they are still a stranger to me and vice versa and I don’t know if they’re the chatty type, the type that is more comfortable talking one on one, or the type that was just looking for somewhere to sit and observe and saw that I had a free spot near me and looked to be doing the same.

More often than not if they wanted to chat/talk, they would. Name exchanges often happened after we had been talking for a bit.

Yes, it’s a party, but you’re still strangers and not everyone is going to sit and chat to every person or is going to want to.

As others have said, they would have took the hint, and moved on, not push for further engagement.