To think of you're going to answer questions with "yeah.." or "no...." At a social event, then fuck offfff

[fanaticalfairy]

Why bother coming out to meet people if you can't even engage in basic conversations with people who are all there to get to know each other?
We were out for a birthday brunch this morning with about 20 people, some we knew, some we didn't as it was for a mutual friend (Graham)
Me .. spying someone unfamiliar at our table..."hi, I'm Fairy, what's your name?
Him: "John "
Me: "great. How you know Graham "
John: " through a friend, Steve"
Me: "oh, yes I know Steve, he's lovely, how do you know Steve?
John" work'
Me: "So, what do you do with Steve?"
John: "Software engineer"
Me: "great what kind of thing? Im a software engineer too..."
John: "Nothing interesting....'
Me: "Oh... Ok. So ... Got any holidays booked?"
John: "No."Tumble weed

"Ok, lovely to meet you ... I'll go and see Graham is okay "

Ugh

#Teamfairy

I think you asking "is there anything you need to know about me" bizarre!l tbh

You need to learn to read people better OP. I am quite introverted (not shy) but would hate how you questioned that man. You should realise after asking after a couple of questions if he's not making conversation with you and speak to someone else. It's not about you being too much or him being rude but people have different views and personalities and deal with social situations differently.

People asking me if I have any holidays planned drives me up the wall.

DS would reply like that, he's in software engineering and autistic.

I think you'd be a whizz at speed dating though OP 😉.

If you don’t like someone’s question then turn the conversation into something you find more interesting! I am massively introverted to and don’t particularly like small talk, but I also fear coming across boring so always make an effort to engage!

I’m not suggesting anything of the sort. just been in MN long enough to know the different responses men get to a situation as compared to women.

Agree with a PP the he’d be told to leave the poor woman alone, get the hint etc

Sounds like John has friends and his happy with his lot. He was at someone's birthday gathering. It was not a networking event.
I have gone to birthday events, and I am there for the host. I am happy with my friends the have, and am not looking for more

Same!
Um, no. I would quite like to stand here and people watch, and not be dragged into small talk... thanks.

This is so weird, it was a birthday brunch so presumably OP was sat next to or opposite John, in that situation would you just not talk to anyone else at the table other than the one you’re friends with? Do you just never speak to other people because you aren’t interested in creating a life long friendship?

I people watch. My friends that know me know that is how I am. I like to be invited out, and I like to be around people. The small talk is something I struggle with.
As a child, I was told I was "economic with my words". I just can't do small talk. It seems utterly pointless to me, and like I said in a PP, it makes me cry (literally).
A stranger I am never going to meet again is not interested in what I do for a living, or what my hobbies are. Their intentions are false. I am not going to entertain that.

Ditto. I’m there for the host and catching up with the people I already know. I’d find it really awkward to be seated next to someone I’ve never met before and probably look at moving to be with the ones I’m already familiar with. I’m a quiet observer not a small talker.

As an example i recently went on a long weekend abroad with a really extroverted friend. During our trip, she wandered around chatting to absolutely everyone around the hotel. Meanwhile I sat with a couple who were on our flight and invited us to share their table Other than them and the hotel staff, I don’t think I exchanged a word with anyone else. But both me and chatterbox friend had a great time doing what worked for us as individuals

I would like to encounter you at a party and would be very happy to hear all about your work, in great detail!

I find small talk absolutely excruciating (also autistic), but I can also be quite convincing for a while, especially if I know I'll be able to escape for a breather soon. But if I'm already overwhelmed from having to try to look and act interested in a polite conversation that absolutely feels like pulling teeth, all while trying to make sure I'm arranging my face and controlling my tone of voice so I don't drop my mask and lapse into looking annoyed and sounding bored? By that point I can barely speak at all - brief answers is the best I can do, but I'm not meaning to be rude or unfriendly. I'm trying really hard to be polite.

If someone wanted to infodump on me about something they're passionate about, though, I would love it and would be entirely engaged and having a great time. If they were interested in the stuff I'd infodump on too - as so often seems to happen with ND communication - I wouldn't be finding that hard at all.

Just different styles of communication. Many people would hate my natural communication style so I try to be mindful of not talking anyone's ear off for too long, and I hope people will understand when I can't do any more "so what do you do for a living" and have to go outside to silently stare into the middle distance for fifteen minutes. Neither is 'wrong' as such, just different!

Not everyone is a social butterfly and it’s ok to not want to

Your last paragraph is incredibly interesting to me - particularly given the dissonance with your first paragraph.

You say you people watch - which implies you're interested in people. But you don't extend that to the idea that other people might also be interested in people, but have different ways of fulfilling that interest. Instead, you decide you know what their intentions are and ascribe the most negative motive to them.

This thread is a really interesting read if only to better understand the different mindsets people can bring to social interactions and their starting assumptions about other people. I can see that if your default is that everyone is on the make/out to get something from you/fake them that must make these sorts of social interactions a very different and much more stressful experience than if your starting point is more benign or optimistic.

Yes, it is stressful. I think that is why I cry when people talk to me.

People watching is benign. You don't have to talk to anyone. You can sit on the side-lines and observe.

So if you went to a wedding and were sat with people you didn’t know you would.. do what? Just watch them eat?

I have been a plus one for weddings, and yes, I do sit there in silence. I don't think you can comprehend how hard it can be for some people to engage with strangers... for reasons such as ND or anxiety. But people with both issues still like to go out and be around people.

I can understand that.

But there's a flip side to that.

First, it's that others may not experience your people watching as benign, even if that's your intent. They may make the wrong assumption that you're being intentionally rude.

Second, that their small talk/attempts at conversation may not be false, or they may not be interested. Their intent may be as benign as yours is in your people watching.

You might be applying entirely the wrong motives/intent to their activity, just as they might be to you.

Well, that is why some people need to understand more about MH/ND issues, and the different ways people express or receive communications.

Out of interest, what questions do you ask people in this kind of social situation?

I think it was nice of you to try and chat to him, and I can see why you'd be put out by his response because clearly social interactions come easily to you. For some of us, they're not. They're excruciatingly awkward and difficult so I'm going to give John the benefit of the doubt and say he wasn't trying to be 'fucking rude' but thinking he should just 'fuck off to another table' really kind of is.

I have always been incredibly socially anxious since I was a child, I used to hide birthday party invitations from my mum because I didn’t want to go, I never went to any extra curricular activities because I was so socially anxious, as a teenager/early 20s I basically couldn’t socialise unless I was drunk, when I was 21 I went to my brother in laws 30th birthday at his house and spent the whole evening locked away upstairs because it made me so anxious, but I pushed through and worked on it, so yes I can comprehend

Human interactions are reciprocal. You also need to understand that staring at people while refusing to speak to them may not feel benign to the recipient. It could be very uncomfortable & upsetting for the people at your table who don’t want to be observed like animals in a zoo.

I don't stare at people. You can observe without it being obvious at all.

Unless you speak to them, you have no idea whether people know you are watching them, or how they feel about it. They may be really upset and stressed for all you would know, especially if you combine watching them with refusing to engage in polite conversation.