Who is living life the right way?

[flowergirl24]

Sister A and Sister B met up over the Christmas period. Their lives have gone in different directions and they are both late 30s. They both have 3 DC.

Sister A works 60 hours a week in a stressful job. She manages to take the children swimming at the weekends but they don’t do activities after school during the week. She has invested money in rental houses, and is concentrating on being able to have a better quality of life in the future.

Sister B works 8-10 hours a week. She has ponies and the children enjoy riding after school. She is not focused on a career at all, but does a lot of driving the children to after school activities. Sister B has expensive cars and is living for today, with no concern for the future.

Who is doing life right?

There is no right or wrong, each is doing what they want to do right now, they may adjust things as their children get a bit older, most of us do.

The important thing is that they and their children are happy. Kids will soon let you know if they are not!

What does it matter anyway, they're not in competition and comparisons are pointless because everyone is an individual.

They both sound very privileged in their lives, particularly B. The one who isn't comparing herself with the other probably has a better time, but there's no such thing as living the "right" way.

How are the parents when they are actually with their DCs?

Are they relaxed, attuned, joyful, warm, comforting, calm and gentle?

Or are the preoccupied, frazzled, exhausted, grumpy, etc.

How are the marriages and family dynamics are they supportive, sustaining, fulfiling and emotionally nourishing?

Because thats all we need for now - safe relationships where we are all respected and cherished.

Well obviously the children of b are benefiting arnt they?

The children of a no.

But both sound too extreme and a happy medium between both would be perfect.

I'm sure if you see a financial advisor they can give you appropriate advice. Up to you to do the research if you're that bothered, but you can't stop people being unhappy at big companies ripping them off.

My dad worked sister A's pattern throughout my childhood. And often a chunk of the weekend too.

He is and was an amazing dad and I am so grateful for his hard work and the financial privilege it gave us and the example he set me. Noone ever judged or criticised him. He's absolutely my favourite parent and he guided me and inspired me and always found time for me when I needed it.

I was going to say this too.

Dad A does drop offs and pick ups. Doesn’t sound like Dad B does any of that, if we are judging Sister A then we need to judge Dad B too.

Funny how it only seems to apply to women.

Exactly.

This.

There isn't a right way. But I would live my life (and have lived my life) more like Sister B. No way is the right way - living like Sister A could mean you missing out on moments that you can't get back, and potentially regretting it if something happens to you in the future, and living life like Sister B can mean being unprepared for future events and having unforeseen struggles.

Why dose one have to be right?

Personally I prefer sister Bs lifestyle, it’s the closest to mine less the expensive cars and ponies. I like being in a position to spend time with my children while they are young, take them to hobbies and activities, something I never had. DH works but not a high paying job, but we survive. He has a decent pension and I still have a small personal one but we will rely on DHs. Cheap house with we’ve almost paid off.

My DB and SIL spent their entire working lives working every hour they could, DNs didn’t do clubs and activities, they went to DBs business after school until they were old enough to go home alone. Db and SIL are early 50s and exhausted, still working 7 days a week. The only time they take is to spend time with their DGC. I have no doubt they have some sort of retirement plan, it’s not something we’d ever talk about, money is not something we discuss, I do know DB is not a fan of finance, he saves to buy things, I’d be shocked if they had a big mortgage. I very much doubt they’d will be retiring early or have any more grandchildren so now is the time they have to enjoy with them the way they didn’t with their own children.

Then she shouldn’t have had 3 children.

As PPs have rightly said its not a competition and neither is "right" or "wrong" There are upsides and downsides of both. I am probably closer to A in my lifestyle (not necessarily through choice) but I wouldn't judge anyone living like B. She is doing her best by her kids.

I slightly take issue with this piece of commentary though:

They need their parents. They need them to be around, pottering around the house, watching TV with them, doing the hoovering round their Lego, chatting nonsense about my little pony whilst peeling potatoes, reading to them...

Kids do need their parents. But the subtext to this comment is very clear: it's that you can't properly "parent" unless one parent is "pottering around the house".

I'm rarely able to "potter around the house" because I'm usually working. I make sure that my free time is available to my DD. But I have to work (a lot) to support my kid. Not only do I not have a choice in the matter, I don't believe a working parent is bad for a kid.

Does that apply to fathers who work long hours too? Sometimes to fund a SAHM? Or just mothers who work long hours?

@brentwoods

Then she shouldn’t have had 3 children.

Do you believe a working father who prioritises his career should also not have 3 children? If not, what's the difference?

Perfectly possible to do both.

I hope they are both happy and have made the choice that suits them.

I would far rather be B, and in fact was so, minus the ponies. I don't regret this whatsoever.

I can't imagine anything worse than Sister As current life, but do understand that some people like it and maybe in the future she will reap the return.

This

You use very leading language one sister 'manages to take' her kufs to one activity, whereas children 'enjoy' the activity with the other sister

Noone would ever say that about a dad

No one. It reads like you might be sister A though? At the end of the day no one can have everything sadly. You pay now or later a lot of the time and it’s just the way it is. And the truth is when it comes to raising kids, no one really knows what going to pay off in the long run so all we can do is the best we can with the resources and judgement we have and hope for the best!

Neither.
A should live life a little more in the present . B should plan a little better for the future.
A will be better off financially in the long run and be able to support her children through university etc.
B will probably complain that student loans aren’t enough.
No-one can know how either situation will affect the children in the future.

I was more of a Sister B (minus the ponies and flash car) and my cousin was more of a Sister A. I think my kids had the better childhood. However, my cousin has been able to buy flats for her kids, whereas mine are having to make their own way financially. So I think her kids are having the better adulthoods.

God above that seems knackering. I assume it working towards a specific goal, career bump? Rather than just normal forever more?

Surely money = time!! So if your partner is a higher earner then the other parent can afford to work less and spend more time with their children…