Who is living life the right way?

[flowergirl24]

Sister A and Sister B met up over the Christmas period. Their lives have gone in different directions and they are both late 30s. They both have 3 DC.

Sister A works 60 hours a week in a stressful job. She manages to take the children swimming at the weekends but they don’t do activities after school during the week. She has invested money in rental houses, and is concentrating on being able to have a better quality of life in the future.

Sister B works 8-10 hours a week. She has ponies and the children enjoy riding after school. She is not focused on a career at all, but does a lot of driving the children to after school activities. Sister B has expensive cars and is living for today, with no concern for the future.

Who is doing life right?

I don't think it's about A vs B.

I would say though, that I don't agree with compromising your time when your children are young and growing up, in the hope you have a 'better future'. The kids will presumably be flying the nest by that point and you've spent their childhood working ridiculous hours and unable to spend time with them / facilitate clubs etc

I'd be trying to find a better life/work balance now, rather than wrecking myself for potential early retirement

100% agree with this sentiment tbh. My DC (17 & 20) wanted to play lots of boardgames with us this Christmas & watch films etc. We did one walk & pub lunch, one escape room and a session of shuffleboard and saw family a couple of days but they hung around with us a lot considering their ages. I loved it 💗💗

How old are your 3 DC OP? The early years zoom by and suddenly you have a surly teenager who isn't that bothered about spending time with you. Do your DC really know you if you are always at work? The days are long but the years are short imo.

Life is for living Op. When you look back on life will you regret not enjoying the journey more? Enjoying your children? What the point of having all that money for retirement..... Enjoy life now while you are fit and healthy?

I think there's a compromise to be had surely. What about dropping to a 37 hr week and enjoy a bit more of your life?

Sister A may get older and find that she has just missed out on their childhood. Ok they will have some money and be ready to move into adulthood but will the children look back on their childhood within fond memories or just think well at least I went swimming.

kids don’t need to do lots of activities. Giving them your time is priceless. They are adults for such a long time.

I worked 60/70 hours a week. DH was SAHD
DS speaks to his dad a lot more. DS now 15 and I have dropped salary and hours to be more present but it’s too late as DS doesn’t need me like little kids do. I have raised a very independent young man who I am proud of. DS has his own little business which he started when he was 14 and been running for 18 months. He has his own money to do things.
I regret the time I didn’t spend with him as I was working.
we also lost two babies so he is my only child as my biggest fear is he will walk out the door one day as an adult and never come back as he just doesn’t need me anymore.

Spend time with your kids, you don’t need to do activities that cost money. Bake at home, get a pack of cards out and play games.

also don’t worry about what your sister does as long as your family is loving and healthy there is no point comparing.

Also if you’re a civil servant then you should be getting flexi time as most roles are stated at 37 hours and I highly doubt your contract says you must work 60 hours. So are you working all the extra hours for free or being paid overtime. Employers will take take take but you don’t have to give.

if you died tomorrow, your job would be advertised by the end of the month. (I know how slow CS can Be). But your family would be affected forever so have a think what you would like your legacy to be.

you can retire in 10 years but your kids will have grown up and be into other things other than hanging around with parents so you will find you have an empty nest.

I have the life style of sister B, mainly because I was solely bought up by mother who had to work long hours to keep us, but then died at 50 of breast cancer (I was 20). You have to have a balance in life as you never know what is going to happen in the future. It's all well and good having a large pension and investments if you are around to enjoy them.

Another over privileged moan.

Sister A sounds like the protagonist from an 80's movie 😂 She'll meet a big-hearted homeless guy who will teach her the 'true meaning ' of life and they'll all live happily ever after riding sister B's ponies into the sunset!

My dad worked every hour he could and said he’d spend time with us when he retired. He became terminally ill just before he retired so we never had the time he had promised us.

My FIL also passed very soon after
retirement. No one is guaranteed to live until old age. We chose to do as much with our child as possible whilst we are able to, just in case! There’s no right or wrong way to live but your own personal circumstances can shape how you make those decisions

It's a snap shot in time. Lucky sister B with ponies and calm and easy lifestyle. She might get a job dn earn money when the kids are older or through her interest in horsemanship? Sister A is successful and works hard but I feel sorry for the kids, that's not enough contact time. She should work compressed hours and be off on Fridays. What's sunset a's profession?

I have just retired and I was only discussing today that I have always been there for my family when they needed me. I (like sisters A & B) was fortunate to have a DH who made this possible financially. I have worked but always with jobs around school holidays and hours. I remember being the child in the school concert/nativity/play that never had a parent in the audience, it really hurt.
You have to be comfortable with your arrangements and sister A s lifestyle wouldn't have suited me (as the parent or her child).

I think it’s a shame if in wanting to be feminist and equal and a high earner that you throw the baby out with the bathwater. Mine are on the cusp of leaving home now and believe me at 50 you become very aware of your mortality and I am so so happy I took those years out with them when they were small. Honestly what is the point of life really?

It’s seen as “normal” because people like you make it so. I can’t imagine anyone being able to work fully productively for all those hours. If it’s a genuine demand of the role then personally I’d be looking at another industry.

I changed area of law entirely. I spent my late twenties working like that - like fuck was I going to work like that with children and not see them. .

LOL, are you a posh spy?

How does sister B won ponies? Do they stay at a livery yard? Or does she own land?

I suspect OP has long since left and don’t blame her, but I think there’s two aspects to this which a lot of people are conflating:

• The overall impact on the family. There’s not really enough info in the post on this to make any kind of judgment call that isn’t veering into wild projection. On the face of it, OP’s kids do a fairly normal day in childcare for children with two FT parents (as most of her extra work is when they are asleep). We also know absolutely nothing about Husband B’s - who is probably the real comparator to Sister A! - work patterns and how much time he’s spending with his children.
• The impact on Sister A. I suspect she’s either a very senior civil servant or something specialised (and possibly defence-adjacent). Some people thrive on that kind of intense workload - and parts of our current society would simply stop functioning if they didn’t, tbh. But there’s also no shame in finding it too much and re-evaluating if you want to burn that hot until (presumably early) retirement after all.

edit: put “two” in the wrong place!

I'm early 40s and I don't feel remotely guilty I worked when mine were small. Without my work we would have been precariously renting or living in a cramped house where they shared rooms, and they wouldn't have been able to do hobbies or have treats

The housing market shifted in the decade between us and unless you marry a rich man you have to work not for luxuries but just for financial stability

Bet you weren’t working like I was pre kids. I regularly worked until 11pm. Most weekends. Sent overseas at the drop of a hat. Entirely focussed on client need. I don’t know when I would have seen them. Colleagues needed a day and a night nanny. No thanks.

Oh absolutely not. I changed area of law for the same reason. But I did keep working. I worked every single evening once the kids were asleep. I didn't know "me time" until quite recently (I became a single mum when they were tiny due to DV). I don't regret the long evenings working when they were asleep in the slightest. I don't regret sending them to nursery. Without my hard work out lives would still be precarious (ex rarely pays any maintenance despite being wealthy).

not wishing to side track but @chocolatespreadsandwich which area of law did you used to work in and which did you change to? Asking for dd.

Commercial - I changed from private practice to in-house

Ive done both, putting in the hours and hardly any freedom, then had roles where it was more balanced, i guess it depends on your preferences and if you love your role , etc personally i prefer a mix, sometimes if needed long hours then other days balance but it depends on the roles and the value of the role to society that are factors to me

Thing is though sister A sounds a bit different to this, it sounds as though she’s working this hard for “extra” money (rental flats etc) when one would assume that if she’s a senior civil servant her pension would be pretty decent anyway. I think if she’d said she was doing her current workload just to make ends meet or be even able to buy a house at all this would be different.