Who is living life the right way?

[flowergirl24]

Sister A and Sister B met up over the Christmas period. Their lives have gone in different directions and they are both late 30s. They both have 3 DC.

Sister A works 60 hours a week in a stressful job. She manages to take the children swimming at the weekends but they don’t do activities after school during the week. She has invested money in rental houses, and is concentrating on being able to have a better quality of life in the future.

Sister B works 8-10 hours a week. She has ponies and the children enjoy riding after school. She is not focused on a career at all, but does a lot of driving the children to after school activities. Sister B has expensive cars and is living for today, with no concern for the future.

Who is doing life right?

Sister B does work, granted very part time. She's got employment history, so could up her hours if the situation made it necessary.

In re your last line, I absolutely wish I had worked more, and my lasting regret on my deathbed will be that I didn't spend more time in the office. Wasted a lot of my brainpower.

Just to provide another perspective.

Haven’t RTFT. Sister A sounds way too focussed on money and the future. She’s missing out on precious time with her kids which she and they will never get back. What a miserable life, to be so money-oriented that you hardly see your kids.

I would love Sister B’s life!

Too many people I have known of die young. Live for today I say!

If you didn't use your brain power in your day to day life beyond the arena of paid work then you sold your life short.

Yes, I think this is the kind of nonsense trotted out by peoole who’ve never done meaningful work they found enjoyable. I will absolutely regret on my deathbed that I didn’t produce more work.

im sure there must be a more happy balance than working 60 hours a week though with young children?
Im not suggesting everyone should stagnate at home, I wouldn’t want to be a full time sahm, not that there is anything wrong with it, I remember taking time off when my oldest were smaller and did feel like I was slowly going mad.
I get to meet a lot of older people in my line of work and I’ve yet to meet one who wished they’d worked harder if they didn’t have to, perhaps fulfilling hobbies is the answer?

I did and do.
I volunteer, travel solo, sing in a choir and have various brainy hobbies.

I love my job and find it very fulfilling, however I know I won’t on my deathbed wish I had more hours of work, each to their own.

You sound like you enjoy your job but I would hate how much it took me away from family life and other pursuits, spending time with friends and loved ones. It also sounds extremely stressful and intense.

Having said that, I earn 50k and still get stressed by work (and juggling work and childcare), so don't have the perfect solution either, but I do have time for my children and hobbies.

In interviews with people on their deathbeds they mostly say they wish they'd made more time for loved ones and spent less time working. I know there may be the occasional exception but that's certainly the overwhelming consensus.

I love my work, however I will never let it take priority over my family for my time. I'll accept less hours, advancement and pay first. Not to say someone who does otherwise is doing the wrong thing, it's just not my own choice.

I am more a sister a type - I have worked long hours in stressful jobs and recently have taken on overtime to save and pay for things we need.

Work is important, ideally find a job you enjoy and feel proud of the contribution you make. I have and do however miss out on time with my children, and there is no way that any career or job can compensate for that loss.

There is also the problem that in prioritising the future we sacrifice and / or compromise on the present. Often inevitable, but quite possibly regrettable - many of us will lose out health earlier than we think and no amount of money will make up for opportunities lost at that point.

OP are you contracted hours 62.5 ? I bet that many of your coworkers getting your pay are doing less hours and valued equally. Are you doing more to show your value? Have you asked for more employees or tried offloading some of your workload?
I left a (well paid) senior role where it was officially 37.5 but unofficially expected to be at beck and call 8am-11pm , 7 days a week (think last minute responses required for press releases etc). It was an exciting and fast paced role but it took too much of me from my family and friends. I left after 11 years of busting a gut and moved to a well paid PT role. Certainly miss the comfort and security of excess money but being here for children has taught me a lot about them (really!!). Having quality time with them, being there during moments just before and after school (when they are most vulnerable and more likely to talk about what’s on their mind) facilitating play dates, dropping off/ picking up. Very importantly… not grouchy in the evenings when they need homework help or won’t settle in bed and I was desperately wishing them away so that I could get back to work.
I don’t doubt that we are financially poorer and using savings to tide us over (we are much less likely to be able to pay for uni fees, give them house deposites, pension is smaller, immediate career opportunities stunted) Who knows if it is right or wrong way to live. It felt absolutely right at the time that our decision was made and no regrets so far.

But why wasn't your house a happy house?

I would say none of the sisters. Sister A works too long hours and should try to find a better balance between living in the now as well as for the future. I have lived my life more like sister A, but with a better balance as everyone needs downtime.

Neither sister has exactly got it sussed. A may have more regrets than B though.

Was it always the plan to be working such long hours and to have kids OP?

This.

You are both living the life that is right for you now .
One does not trump the other . Carry on as you are if
happy .

@flowergirl24 I am hoping you love your job to do that amount of hours every day and you are well compensated.

Which area of the CS are you in? Are you able to give a vague indication?

does Sister B have a plan B for if her DH dumps her for a younger model? or has a midlife crisis & leaves his job, etc etc

There is no "right" way. But there are sensible ways.

Sister B. I think her lifestyle sounds lovely and she's fully enjoying her children's younger years which can never be done again.

I agree. Sexism and ageism is still sufficiently rife to make returning to the workplace as a middle aged woman, competing against men, younger people and also same aged women who've continued to build experience and reputation very challenging. The idea that any time we choose we can stroll back in with our transferable skills from running a home, climbing over people with current and extensive experience to take up the plum job is a myth. There will always be exceptions, but a great many women will struggle. I think to refuse to accept this not only leads women down a dangerous route of false complacency, but also denies the reality of a world that undervalues certain demographics as default. Yes women do succeed in careers, but there will be trade offs, one of which may be keeping at it, as we are still a long way from having it all.

Doing life ‘right’ means being happy.
There are many ways to do life ‘right’ and each person has to find their own way to happiness.

There's no right or wrong. Sister B obviously has the most appealing lifestyle at the moment for her at least (not all children want after school activities- some prefer to hang with friends). But if this is at the cost of her or her family's financial security then it should be worrying to her.

Ultimately I don't know if I could just live off another person- I feel the need to provide for myself. But horses for courses

The main thing is are you happy?

I would loathe your life, you work such long hours you don't have enough time for you, let alone anyone else. But if you really love your job then I can see you would absolutely want to work such long hours as its fulfilling/ exciting / whatever it is you enjoy about it.

Well, obviously.

What I'm struggling to see here is why you need to establish whether your choices are better than your sister's. Live your life the way you want. Let your sister live her life the way she wants.