Who is living life the right way?

[flowergirl24]

Sister A and Sister B met up over the Christmas period. Their lives have gone in different directions and they are both late 30s. They both have 3 DC.

Sister A works 60 hours a week in a stressful job. She manages to take the children swimming at the weekends but they don’t do activities after school during the week. She has invested money in rental houses, and is concentrating on being able to have a better quality of life in the future.

Sister B works 8-10 hours a week. She has ponies and the children enjoy riding after school. She is not focused on a career at all, but does a lot of driving the children to after school activities. Sister B has expensive cars and is living for today, with no concern for the future.

Who is doing life right?

Not sure 'kids need their parents' time' ... My happiest childhood memories are at a friend's house, or being left to read a book on my own. My own home and family not so much. Not unsafe or unhappy just not a happy place (if you can see not happy as different from unhappy)

What a stupid question.

If you're a highly paid civil servant, surely you will receive a very generous pension in retirement anyway? Is the focus on rental properties really necessary?

Obviously only you can answer that, but it seems your future is already highly likely to be financially secure with or without them.

There so much pressure to be “successful” these days - lots of money, big car, big house, lavish holidays etc. But I feel I’ve been successful in my life. Ok I’ve not been to uni and achieved a degree and I’m still in the same job I started when I was 19. But ive got a mortgage in an area I like, I drive a car (just a corsa), my kids enjoy after school activities and trips to the sea side for little breaks away. I work 24hours a week and I love my life the way it is, it would be nice to have a little more freedom/money but I defo feel I’ve been successful in life ☺️

I wouldn't worry too much about after school activities while the children are so young - they certainly have a very long day away from home and I think that is enough. When they are a bit older they will probably ask to do things and then you can organise.

There's no right or wrong here, op, though I would worry about the long day but you know your child, he/she may thrive on that. I'm sure you are an attentive parent when at home with them and you do take them swimming every weekend, not many parents do that. I didn't very often, mine had swimming at school every week.

However are you all happy with how things are, that's what matters. I'm no great believer in shoring up too much for the future, whatever happens you'll manage. Your children will let you know soon enough if they find the current situation unsatisfactory.

Your career is important, so is your husband's, but it wouldn't hurt to take stock every now and again and perhaps re-prioritise - both of you, not just you.

Make the most of weekends and holidays when you are all together and enjoying yourselves, store up memories.

Don't make comparisons! There's no point in that, ever.

Presumably you're SCS @flowergirl24

I think there's still room for flexibility but I do get that depending on the responsibility of your job, you may need some firefighting at night.

My previous director (also a mother but with late primary aged children at the time) used to do compressed hours and do 9 days in 10. Also had a G5 who was very strict about working 5 days in 4 and having her Fridays off.

Maybe something like that would give you a bit more space?

I'd also say as a mother of teens, this listen will be harder to sustain as they get older and need you more in the evenings.

It is not about the jobs or the hours spent on activities - it is about the values they teach their children and the example they set. To ascertain that, other things need to be looked at - what do they say is important? How do they teach their children to interact with others? Do they place too much importance on material things? How much do the children read and what type of literature? Do they place importance on helping others, not judging others, respecting the elderly, not being selfish? Loads of questions to be answered before you can see who is doing the right thing.

If the DH input is even Stevens, I'd say sister A who is imparting a work ethic for her dc. However, I think it would be better for both women to work 35/40 hpw and certainly sister B should do something, even if part-time.

There may be things going on of which neither sister is aware. B may struggle with work due to undiagnosed stuff: dyslexia, adhd, etc; A's husband might not be as reliable as appears.

No way would I be working 60 hours a week with young kids. Time with them is precious. So I'd say B is doing it better - not perfect, but better.

As long as you get quality team with them, young kids won't necessarily mind your long hours now. But teens stay up late and have a lot of homework - and schools expect parents to get more involved. So I'd start some sort of transition plan. I don't believe in only saving for the future - you don't know what tomorrow brings.

It's a perspective argument. I've been told my whole life that my DB & SIL do it right by flying by the seat of their pants, and I do it all wrong by being conservative with money, lifestyle & travel. I'm not going to argue which is better, we're just different & both have benefits & consequences, and I'm sick of the comparison!

I was also speaking to the boss's sister recently. He's v wealthy but works ridiculous hours & is stressed all the time. Even on hols he's still emailing instructions. She'd made the decision early on to have less stress & more living, rather than work herself into the ground for wealth. Both seem happy.

I dont see how sister A's kids could be flourishing tbh....extra curricular activities are key for children, some believe more than school.

I remember reading a survey about 5 years ago of young children. Their 'favourite' thing on a long list was going home to their own house after school (ie not childcare provider) and one of their parents being there and having hot food instead of a sandwich. I remember it stopped me in my tracks. It's the little things that mean the most to everyone, especially young children.

I am currently on a career break for a year and I wish I could be off all the time. I am less stressed, kids are much happier.

The one thing you can never get back is time.

You can’t ever recapture those early years with your children. All the money in the world can’t give you back the precious moments you missed.

None of us know what tomorrow will bring. Of course future financial stability is important but sacrificing 15 years or so of your life now and missing almost all of their childhood isn’t worth it imo.

You could get struck down with something awful tomorrow, get knocked down by a bus and then what? You never got to truly enjoy your life, or spend time with the people you love. That really would be a huge shame. Don’t overinvest in tomorrow by sacrificing today.

I was in a different situation to you but for other reasons I missed a lot of the first 7 years or so of my children’s lives. I was present but completely swamped with other responsibilities and obligations (caring for terminally ill parent plus working long hours full-time in new self-employment). And I still miss more than I’d like now, for unavoidable reasons. I regret not taking more time to just switch the laptop off and make them my priority for the afternoon. I was always trying to do about five things at once and never got to just enjoy being with them. I’ve tried really hard to get better at this

This isn’t about slating women with ambition - but I think time has a habit of slipping through fingers. And before you realise it, so much time has passed and opportunities have been missed.

You might be really happy as you are but I’d be willing to bet your DC would be happier with less money and a more present mum. And yes, I’d say the same to a dad asking the same question.

Ultimately it’s up to you. Your DC see their dad so they’re not missing parental input. But as you asked, I would rather be in your sister’s shoes a million times over. If you’re as intelligent as you must be to have such a high-flying career, you could easily play catch up later or even set up your own business.

I just wonder why you’re asking? Are you looking for confirmation that your decisions were right? What are you going to do if we all say that we would prefer to be Sister B? I find it hard to believe you’d consider a radical wholesale change based on random people’s views…..are you actually just looking for reassurance? Or secretly wanting to see your sister criticised? 👀🤷‍♀️

Neither would be right for me. I want the middle point of working a reasonable amount of hours, and a balance between career satisfaction and personal life. However if I had to choose I'd be A all day long, as A has options and freedom that B doesn't. She has the foundations from which to live her life to suit herself anytime she chooses, while B is dependent on another person's choices and good will.

Would men be told not to work these hours?
1 in 2 marriages break up. Sister B will be in a mess if that happens.

Me neither and I didn’t walked away from a massively long hours highly paid job. Out the other end almost zero regrets. Now back earning what I was but had years with my children who are now late teens. Yes it’s a cliche but you can’t get that time back. It’s a personal choice though for me the time is more valuable than the money. Dh downscaled his job too it wasn’t just me.

I think I’d rather sister b’s life if children are young. I think there is a happy medium maybe sister A is doing to much. I guess it depends how much money A thinks she needs in the future? Is it essential to work 60 hours that seems excessive.

How do you know that Sister B would be in a mess? Sister B could potentially up her hours to earn more and she may well end up with more assets than Sister A if there are lots of marital assets to split. You literally have no idea about her financial situation and it is ridiculously naive to assume that someone with a relatively highly paid career will always be better off than someone who has a very wealthy partner and some further earning potential.

I also think a lot of men would be told to work less than 60 hours. It is an insane amount of hours unless you really love your job and you aren't impacting anyone else by working such crazy hours! It leaves very little time to do anything else and isn't really fair when you have small children.

That's not quite true, although it's often cited. Divorce rates have dropped significantly from their peak and then other factors, like whether it's a first or subsequent marriage and how long a couple has been together changes the odds. But even if it were only 1 in 3, then it would be no less disruptive.

But it is not like sister B doesn't work at all or that she doesn't have an entitlement to joint assets.

I don't really like humiliating women for being ambitious, especially when A's DC are with her DH one day a week. I say that as a former SAHM.

I am not very convinced about Sister B's high earning potential in the future, having seen too many posts on MN by women who stayed out of the workplace for years.

Sister B may not care about high earning potential. Some of us are satisfied with 'enough'.

If I had to chose I'd pick B because working 60 hours a week sounds miserable. But it's your life so it doesn't really matter what I think does it? Are your kids happy? That would be my main concern.

Ultimately I don't think anyone should compare their lives with others or compete with their friends and family.
Do as you think best and don't ask the internet!

I think if I were you I would try and ease off some of the hours if your job allows, retiring in 10 years sounds like it would be amazing, however in 10 years time your children are likely to be pretty independent and not wanting to spend much time with you at all.
Perhaps aim to retired in 15 years instead and use the extra time with the children? I don’t think you’re wrong and your sister right, I’m speaking as a mother of 3, there is quite a gap between my eldest and youngest, my 12 year old doesn’t really want to hang out with me but my 5 year old loves to, I work part time so I can pick him up from school everyday because he loves to see me at end of his day, I can up my hours when he is a glowering teenager 😂
They are small for such a short amount of time, I would ease back for a little while if you can, no one ever really says I’m glad I worked so much when they look back, but many people wish they had spent more time with those they love.

Mumsnet will loudly say Sister B has it the right way around.
Then something happens to the fragile economic ecosystem with DH as provider - divorce, ill health - and suddenly you will get the other half saying each woman should fund their own existence and never rely on a partner.
FWIW I was sister A (though sister B would have been friends not siblings) and I don’t regret any of it.