Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband never getting up with kids!

134 replies

idubo · 31/12/2024 08:25

He's off for a couple of weeks and I literally have to beg for him to go down with the kids, otherwise he just won't.

I had to go to work yesterday and he still only got up, 3 minutes before I left the house and also said I was only going to the office to get away from him and the kids and I could have worked from home. It's like he thought I was going on a jolly..

Today is another day and again, I've been up with the kids since 6-6:30 am and he's still not up.

It's been like this almost every single day. It's like this at weekends too. How can I change the pattern ?

I'm sick of doing most things around the house and being responsible for everything child related.

Kids are going to grandparents house today for her night stay and I just know that I will be getting them ready, I'll be cleaning the house before we leave ( from yesterdays absolute tip he left it in ) and all he will do is get himself ready.

The other day we went out with the kids and I got myself ready, the kids ready and cleaned the house in the same time it took him to get himself ready and I was still needing to wait in the car for him.

I am just sick of the dynamic. Then when he does get up, he moaps around in his dressing gown. I hate dressing gowns. The other day he came down, had breakfast, left everything out ( often happens ), never empties the dishwasher either. Then his brother came, he had some breakfast. My husband went upstairs to get ready and they both left, leaving everything out on the table.

They came back 6 hours later. I just don't know how to change it, without constantly fighting.

OP posts:
JimHalpertsWife · 31/12/2024 08:27

You can't change this, only he can. And it doesn't sound like he cares enough about you to bother improving.

I'd probably have a think about whether you want to stay in this relationship.

Ting20161987 · 31/12/2024 08:31

You can't change it. I have been trying for 8 years and it still won't change. I am at the point of I either accept it, or walk

Hadalifeonce · 31/12/2024 08:33

Send the children into him, I am sure they will be happy to climb all over him.

Ting20161987 · 31/12/2024 08:33

Infact, you sound like me. I hate dresssing gowns too. Mine is laid in bed all day everyday until 10/11 while I am working doing the school runs. The dishes above the dishwasher drives me in sane as well. Tried this conversation just 2 days ago, that was apparently going to change. The same night I had to put his plate, bowl, cup and glass in the dishwasher before bed

Original poster
idubo · 31/12/2024 08:33

Hadalifeonce · 31/12/2024 08:33

Send the children into him, I am sure they will be happy to climb all over him.

I do! He still doesn't come down for ages. Just lies there.

OP posts:
elfshenanigans · 31/12/2024 08:34

he won't change. you can either accept it or leave. How old are the DC?

Supermonstermaniac · 31/12/2024 08:34

Yeah, I would always be too tired for sex if I had to deal with that.

Halfemptyhalfling · 31/12/2024 08:35

Some people are more badly effected by getting up early so it could be ok for him to lie in. If you were getting up for work anyway and he has kids all day it sounds quite reasonable. He also might not 'see' the mess. However you do need some downtime. Perhaps when you are really tired tell him and take yourself off to your bed for a nap

Original poster
idubo · 31/12/2024 08:35

Ting20161987 · 31/12/2024 08:33

Infact, you sound like me. I hate dresssing gowns too. Mine is laid in bed all day everyday until 10/11 while I am working doing the school runs. The dishes above the dishwasher drives me in sane as well. Tried this conversation just 2 days ago, that was apparently going to change. The same night I had to put his plate, bowl, cup and glass in the dishwasher before bed

Yup I've come down this morning. All his shit from last night left all over the kitchen.

I got back from work last night and cleared up after he had made dinner. The house is an absolute tip. Toys everywhere. I've spent all morning and some of last night putting it back together.

Sometimes he clears the kitchen and his own mess. But it's just not consistent.

OP posts:
Original poster
idubo · 31/12/2024 08:36

Supermonstermaniac · 31/12/2024 08:34

Yeah, I would always be too tired for sex if I had to deal with that.

Yes, me too

OP posts:
Original poster
idubo · 31/12/2024 08:38

Halfemptyhalfling · 31/12/2024 08:35

Some people are more badly effected by getting up early so it could be ok for him to lie in. If you were getting up for work anyway and he has kids all day it sounds quite reasonable. He also might not 'see' the mess. However you do need some downtime. Perhaps when you are really tired tell him and take yourself off to your bed for a nap

Yeah but it's more the disdain for the fact that I was going of the office when I ' could have ' worked from home. I don't get work done when I'm working from home and everyone is home.

But yeah yesterday wasn't as bad I guess that he didn't get up.

I've had an under-eye twitch for a few weeks now and I did say when he got back from being out with his brother I really need to just lie down. So I did.

OP posts:
Supermonstermaniac · 31/12/2024 08:39

It’s not easy to nap on-demand if you have to do switched on all day.

Original poster
idubo · 31/12/2024 08:40

My kids are 4 and 2.

OP posts:
TangerineClementine · 31/12/2024 08:42

What happens when you discuss this? Does he agree to do it and then not follow through, or does he literally think it's not his responsibility?

Cuppaand2biscuits · 31/12/2024 08:43

You can't change this, my eldest is 14 now and my husband has never got up with the kids.
Even Christmas day morning this year we were waiting around for him before we could go downstairs.
I used to send my kids into him in bed but they don't want to be in a dark bedroom with a boring half asleep man so they soon retreat.
Honestly I wish I'd left mine years ago because since I've got to peri menopause age it all makes me really angry.

Original poster
idubo · 31/12/2024 08:43

TangerineClementine · 31/12/2024 08:42

What happens when you discuss this? Does he agree to do it and then not follow through, or does he literally think it's not his responsibility?

He says I complain to much and I'm nagging and he does a lot already bla bla bla and he's tired

OP posts:
Moonwalkies · 31/12/2024 08:43

Halfemptyhalfling · 31/12/2024 08:35

Some people are more badly effected by getting up early so it could be ok for him to lie in. If you were getting up for work anyway and he has kids all day it sounds quite reasonable. He also might not 'see' the mess. However you do need some downtime. Perhaps when you are really tired tell him and take yourself off to your bed for a nap

This is the most pathetic thing I've read for a while. Lots of people struggle with early mornings or are by nature night owls; they manage to grow up and be a decent parent and partner and not a lazy, inconsiderate selfish man. Disabilities excluded from that, but I'm sure OP would have mentioned if there was a genuine reason.

ShrugGood · 31/12/2024 08:44

Ting20161987 · 31/12/2024 08:33

Infact, you sound like me. I hate dresssing gowns too. Mine is laid in bed all day everyday until 10/11 while I am working doing the school runs. The dishes above the dishwasher drives me in sane as well. Tried this conversation just 2 days ago, that was apparently going to change. The same night I had to put his plate, bowl, cup and glass in the dishwasher before bed

Dh is great, but when the children were young if they left anything out they should have put away I didn't do it for them. Instead I called them back to the place where it happened and stood over them. That way they are trained to do it not just get told they didn't do it. If that meant things were left out of the dishwasher for the night or laundry was delayed (take your socks off and make sure they are right side out) then so be it.

For your Dh this is how the conversation goes. Either you start to do 50% of the housework and getting up with the children some mornings or you end up doing 100% of the housework and 100% of getting up with the children in the mornings you have them in your own house because I will not be staying in this marriage.

Vettrianofan · 31/12/2024 08:47

Why do women stay with men like this and have babies with them?? Were the signs not there before ?!

Didimum · 31/12/2024 08:51

You need to think very seriously whether you want to continue to be with someone who doesn’t care about whether you are happy or not. Let that sink in, because that’s what’s happening here.

What are the consequences to him not caring about you? Doesn’t sound like there are any other than he continues to get his house cleaned and his children looked after.

Original poster
idubo · 31/12/2024 08:53

Didimum · 31/12/2024 08:51

You need to think very seriously whether you want to continue to be with someone who doesn’t care about whether you are happy or not. Let that sink in, because that’s what’s happening here.

What are the consequences to him not caring about you? Doesn’t sound like there are any other than he continues to get his house cleaned and his children looked after.

The consequence of me being unhappy and telling him is him being annoyed with me !

OP posts:
TangerineClementine · 31/12/2024 08:54

He sounds like a misogynistic twat.

Moonwalkies · 31/12/2024 08:56

Vettrianofan · 31/12/2024 08:47

Why do women stay with men like this and have babies with them?? Were the signs not there before ?!

In the case of my ex he was very different before we had a child. We'd be up early at weekends to go out and about, he'd do his share of stuff around the house, he supported me in my career (and vice versa) and did lots of meaningful things that demonstrated he genuinely cared about and loved me. He was very keen to have a child, we spoke at length about it all- the logistics, the reality and everything else and there wasn't anything to suggest he'd morph into a selfish, lazy, uncaring father and partner. But he did. Sure, some men have red flags or indicators all over them, lots change though following the change in dynamic even if they're on board with starting a family. Its also hard to leave, took me longer than it should.

buttonousmaximous · 31/12/2024 08:56

We have alternate wake ups with kids when we are both off and if one of us was working the other would get up with kids.

We also have set jobs in house. I do get stuck with most of the mental load though.

You need to sit down and talk with your dh. Be clear it's unfair and divide jobs. Then don't do his jobs wait it out. Ideally his jobs will be ones that impact on him.

Alternate getting up , on his turns literally stay in bed and say "daddy's taking you down " ignore sulking etc

And consider what this man brings to your life.

CheshireDing · 31/12/2024 08:59

I have this. The last few months it has been really busy at work so the house has been turning into a shit tip as DH and the DC (all primary age) just leave stuff.

I made it very clear to them I am
not moving stuff anymore, it will just get thrown away. The other day I asked and asked someone to move their bowl from breakfast, they didn't so I threw it in the bin. Might seem extreme but I have told them if they are eating off the table because there are no plates etc it won't be my fault. I will have my own plate.

I am just holding fast and leaving stuff, the house has been gross but it's really got to this point for me. I had a friend coming over the other evening and DH was panic vacuuming and moping as I said I wasn't and she could see what I have to live with 🤷‍♀️

Swipe left for the next trending thread