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Original poster

Husband never getting up with kids!

134 replies

idubo · 31/12/2024 08:25

He's off for a couple of weeks and I literally have to beg for him to go down with the kids, otherwise he just won't.

I had to go to work yesterday and he still only got up, 3 minutes before I left the house and also said I was only going to the office to get away from him and the kids and I could have worked from home. It's like he thought I was going on a jolly..

Today is another day and again, I've been up with the kids since 6-6:30 am and he's still not up.

It's been like this almost every single day. It's like this at weekends too. How can I change the pattern ?

I'm sick of doing most things around the house and being responsible for everything child related.

Kids are going to grandparents house today for her night stay and I just know that I will be getting them ready, I'll be cleaning the house before we leave ( from yesterdays absolute tip he left it in ) and all he will do is get himself ready.

The other day we went out with the kids and I got myself ready, the kids ready and cleaned the house in the same time it took him to get himself ready and I was still needing to wait in the car for him.

I am just sick of the dynamic. Then when he does get up, he moaps around in his dressing gown. I hate dressing gowns. The other day he came down, had breakfast, left everything out ( often happens ), never empties the dishwasher either. Then his brother came, he had some breakfast. My husband went upstairs to get ready and they both left, leaving everything out on the table.

They came back 6 hours later. I just don't know how to change it, without constantly fighting.

OP posts:
LittleBitAlexisLaLaLaLaLa · 31/12/2024 10:08

JimHalpertsWife · 31/12/2024 08:27

You can't change this, only he can. And it doesn't sound like he cares enough about you to bother improving.

I'd probably have a think about whether you want to stay in this relationship.

This is basically what I was going to say as I was reading the OP.

It doesn’t sound like he’s got any intention of stepping up, ever or he would have done so by now. You can’t change him so the question is, what are you going to do? You might not have the power to change him and his behaviour but you can change your situation if you put your mind to it.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 31/12/2024 10:14

Would you ever consider leaving him OP? I think that's the only bargaining chip you have. Not about the plates left out etc but about the fact that you do loads more than him and still he refuses to do the basics of cleaning up after himself as he knows you will, its a basic lack of respect

I think you need to sit down with him when the kids are in bed, tell him later on you want to have a positive discussion about your relationship. Have a glass of wine. Detail all the things you do. Acknowledge the things he does but point out the time put in, and leisure time (eg lie ins, tv time, hobby time, chill time etc) is not equal. Tell him it makes you feel disrespected. Tell him you're worried about the future for your marriage as you are struggling not to feel resentful. Tell him that you have considered that if you split your life might be easier as you'd have lie ins when he was with the kids and you'd have one less person to have to clean up after, and likely a smaller house with less stuff. Tell him you're worried your sex life is suffering as you're too tired and pissed off from everything you've written here. And then ask him what he thinks the solutions are, given he doesn't like being asked to do things, but doesn't do things. Does he want a rota? Or to employ a housekeeper? Or to try a temporary split since he doesn't seem to want to do his share of the day to day family life? If he agrees to get up with the kids make sure he actually gets up and doesn't lie around while you wake up as it's pointless then. Make sure whatever solution you have, you arrange a weekly check in to sit down and talk about how it has gone. If you don't do this and aren't serious about a trial separation as a potential solution, then the only option is to carry on as you are, or potentially try counselling (that might be one of your solutions)

Notinvited85 · 31/12/2024 10:14

How many days a week do you work? Could you reduce by a day (with the children in childcare that day), to get through house jobs unless he sorts himself out? Maybe offer that as an alternative to him? At least that way it takes a bit of pressure off you.

RupertCampbellBlacksEgo · 31/12/2024 10:16

Notinvited85 · 31/12/2024 10:14

How many days a week do you work? Could you reduce by a day (with the children in childcare that day), to get through house jobs unless he sorts himself out? Maybe offer that as an alternative to him? At least that way it takes a bit of pressure off you.

Reducing her earnings and pension to make the layabouts life even easier?

poppymango · 31/12/2024 10:17

CheshireDing · 31/12/2024 08:59

I have this. The last few months it has been really busy at work so the house has been turning into a shit tip as DH and the DC (all primary age) just leave stuff.

I made it very clear to them I am
not moving stuff anymore, it will just get thrown away. The other day I asked and asked someone to move their bowl from breakfast, they didn't so I threw it in the bin. Might seem extreme but I have told them if they are eating off the table because there are no plates etc it won't be my fault. I will have my own plate.

I am just holding fast and leaving stuff, the house has been gross but it's really got to this point for me. I had a friend coming over the other evening and DH was panic vacuuming and moping as I said I wasn't and she could see what I have to live with 🤷‍♀️

Boss move tbh. This is what it takes.

Everlygreen · 31/12/2024 10:17

Vettrianofan · 31/12/2024 08:47

Why do women stay with men like this and have babies with them?? Were the signs not there before ?!

There are ALWAYS signs but they choose to ignore it and complain after. Someone doesn't get to this level of selfishness and uselessness overnight. It was always there. And yet again op is indulging and enabling it further. She should be looking to leave rather than trying to change what can't be changed.

crumblingschools · 31/12/2024 10:20

So did you do all the cooking, cleaning before you had DC @idubo

raffegiraffe · 31/12/2024 10:22

I'm agreeing with the OP and everyone else who says you can discuss it, and believe fully you have an equal and helpful partner before kids, then it can all change.
My DH was going to be a SAHD. Suited us as I earn a lot more and didn't want kids in FT childcare.
After Mat leave, this didn't happen, so I was working hard then with kids on every day off. Meanwhile, he had his days off, which he refused to fix to set days, with the kids in childcare or me about. I couldn't believe it.

Everlygreen · 31/12/2024 10:22

idubo · 31/12/2024 09:49

I'm not getting defensive for the sake of getting defensive.

It's just unhelpful to cry over spilled milk isn't it ?

Oh did you know he was like this ? Didn't you discuss it ? No I didn't know he would be like this and yes we did discuss it.

Regardless it's not helpful to go on about how I made the wrong choice of partner at all. It's like sticking the knife in. Well you fucked up didn't you, OP ? How the fuck is that helpful in any way ?

That's why I'm getting arsey.

Well you can forgive yourself for making a wrong choice in partner but sticking around while you know full well what he's like - well that's on you now. What exactly are you hoping to change in him that he would have to unlearn decades of being a certain way. You can't complain about something you very well choose!!

A friend of mine went through this, we all told her before she got married and she went through stuff with him like this. But she refused to listen. Then had child after child and now she's divorced with 2 young kids. Currently he's taken them on holiday somewhere that she doesn't even have details of, she's crying because shes spent the holidays without her kids and so many more issues because he's still a lazy useless manchild. But hey- she knew better!

Strawberries86 · 31/12/2024 10:23

Vettrianofan · 31/12/2024 08:47

Why do women stay with men like this and have babies with them?? Were the signs not there before ?!

I had one of these. HAD. No signs. Lived independently before me, clean, tidy, seemed to have their life together. Became a lazy, selfish partner and parent as soon as the kids arrived. Resented the work that came with having a family.

They are there in the wild, hiding in plain sight and you can’t always spot them.

Everlygreen · 31/12/2024 10:24

Why should you sit him down and explain like he's a 2yo? Does he not have eyes to see, a brain to use?
I would have the serious ick if I had to do this. What does he even add to your life. You do everything anyway!

BettyBardMacDonald · 31/12/2024 10:24

idubo · 31/12/2024 09:12

It's simple in my opinion - my H grew up with his mum doing everything for him and for the family. His friend's mums were the same too. The mums did all the cooking and cleaning, the dads went to work and did the bins.

Although my mother in law also worked but wasn't the main bread winner.

So they grow up with that example - as did I and the majority of people our age.

He's never learnt to actually do these things every day. Now he has the big important job and I have the more flexible, make less money than him job and here we are.

Couple all that with the kids being obsessed with their mummy when they're small and you have the perfect storm for this kind of behaviour.

I'm not excusing it but that's the reason for it.

It's hard to change these patterns and I am trying but I get so much pushback when I try.

Sounds horrible but you don't seem to have many alternatives. He is happy for you to be his skivvy.

Original poster
idubo · 31/12/2024 10:26

I had one of these. HAD. No signs. Lived independently before me, clean, tidy, seemed to have their life together. Became a lazy, selfish partner and parent as soon as the kids arrived. Resented the work that came with having a family.

They are there in the wild, hiding in plain sight and you can’t always spot them

It's when kids come along, they just can't rise to the responsibility of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
idubo · 31/12/2024 10:27

@Everlygreen you sound like a lovely friend, talking about your friend like that...

OP posts:
Tink3rbell30 · 31/12/2024 10:29

Eww massive ick. Could not be having sex with someone like that. It'll never change

arethereanyleftatall · 31/12/2024 10:29

Notinvited85 · 31/12/2024 10:14

How many days a week do you work? Could you reduce by a day (with the children in childcare that day), to get through house jobs unless he sorts himself out? Maybe offer that as an alternative to him? At least that way it takes a bit of pressure off you.

It is beyond shocking that you have typed this out in all seriousness as a suggestion for a father who takes absolutely no interest in the children he chose to have and absolutely zero respect or care for the women he married. The housework/childcare are the practicalities but the problem is the misogynistic guy who will always be misogynistic.

AdviceAdvice123 · 31/12/2024 10:33

I think you have to decide on your approach OP:

Coach him through changing (he may or may not change)

Tell him he shapes up or you leave (you need to actually be willing to leave)

Just leave (have a think about it, not how difficult leaving would be, but think ahead to a year after you left, what would your life look like)

Stay and nothing changes (let’s face it, most women do this and just get unhappier every year)

Sadly there’s no magic wand.

Combattingthemoaners · 31/12/2024 10:36

Halfemptyhalfling · 31/12/2024 08:35

Some people are more badly effected by getting up early so it could be ok for him to lie in. If you were getting up for work anyway and he has kids all day it sounds quite reasonable. He also might not 'see' the mess. However you do need some downtime. Perhaps when you are really tired tell him and take yourself off to your bed for a nap

So he gets to lie in every morning and she can just crack on with it in the hope she gets a nap every now and then? Also, he does see the mess, he’s a grown man. He is choosing not to clear it up because he doesn’t think he has to. Stop giving pathetic men excuses.

Comtesse · 31/12/2024 10:50

Trixiefirecracker · 31/12/2024 09:22

You decided to have children with this man. I don’t understand why these things are not discussed at an early stage as I did with my husband. I’m not blaming you at all but am just astounded that people don’t have these conversations early on. They seem to wait until they are really fed up and pissed off and thinking about leaving before they do anything. I’m not sure where you made the ‘having another child’ leap but yes, if he was like that with the first I would have had a very serious conversation about what was going to happen with the second. The blame for this lies with you both, not me for pointing it out. You sound massively defensive and that’s because, I suspect, you know you should have discussed these things earlier and now these behaviours are entrenched and much harder to change.

Show quote history

Don’t be obtuse.
Ridiculous for you to blame OP for the fact that her H doesn’t put things in the dishwasher.

crankychristmas · 31/12/2024 10:59

Mine changed, after twenty + years. Because I went on strike. Refused to do anything at all. I refuse to cook if I have to clear the kitchen first. I did only my laundry. Etc. I had to really grit my teeth to get through the first few months because it was horrible and chaotic. If the kids couldn't find their uniform: "go ask your father". Things changed slowly.

I also pointed out ironies relentlessly. For example, him being irritated that the children would only put their plates on the counter furthest from the sink instead of in the dishwasher. (I had to deal with plates all around the house). I also noticed that the default laundry spot (he would all dump their clothes in a spot in the living room en route to the utility) disappeared when he had to take on the duties.

So ... give it a go. But if you do, you have to really mean it and do it for a long time - I did it for a year - so he understands how much you actually do and how unfair it is. For me it was this or divorce. I had absolutely had enough. And when you start to help again, it has to be conditional. If the disrespect starts again, you stop again.

One thing I will say - it is LOVELY doing absolute nothing. Provided you have a small space you keep tidy for yourself.

Nc546888 · 31/12/2024 11:03

Peachy2005 · 31/12/2024 10:07

Look, just start with one small thing. There are 2 lie-ins available in a normal weekend. On Friday evening: “do you want Saturday lie-in or Sunday lie-in this weekend?” Men will usually say Saturday. If you feel so inclined, on Sat evening you could remind him that he is getting up in the morning and should maybe get to bed a bit earlier. On Sunday morning, you kick him out of bed and put in ear plugs. IF he refuses to get up having made his choice and agreed to it, well there’s no hope of him ever being reasonable and you need to consider the future.

If that approach works at all, you might consider using it in other ways. Along the lines of: “there are two main jobs that need to be done now: tidy the kitchen or give the kids a bath, which do you want? A bit like you just did…will he do a crap job of it on purpose though?

Edited

I do both of these things and they really work for us!!!
the lie in one about Saturday or Sunday really works. I present it as his choice of day!!

also I say do you want to do bath or cook dinner. Do you want to do bedtimes or clean up the kitchen? It’s really working for us

Trixiefirecracker · 31/12/2024 11:18

Comtesse · 31/12/2024 10:50

Don’t be obtuse.
Ridiculous for you to blame OP for the fact that her H doesn’t put things in the dishwasher.

Show quote history

I’m not blaming OP, I’m blaming both of them! 😂

TangerinePlate · 31/12/2024 11:26

OP, you’re knackered and it’s not pleasant to be presented with some hard truths.

Possible outcomes are just like @AdviceAdvice123 said.

You said your H was capable, he changed when the kids came.

He is still capable but he can’t be arsed.

Parenting young kids and fitting your life around them is difficult,relentless and boring.It’s neverending.

Sit him down and tell him that it was a mutual decision to have kids so he needs to do his share in parenting,the same applies to housekeeping.
He’s also living in the house, uses the toilet/bathroom, eats and makes mess. He needs to contribute his time and labour to running the household just like you do.

Tell him that his unwillingness to do his share is very off putting and makes you very resentful. Resentment eventually kills the marriage(it’s a fact)

None of this “tell me what you want me to do” bollocks. He needs to open his fucking eyes and figure out the tasks to do just like he does at work. Kids need to be fed,cleaned and entertained. House needs to be cleaned.

Either he wants to stay with you and treats you like a partner (not a maid) and pulls his weight or he can take himself off to live his bachelor’s life elsewhere.

If he refuses to engage in the conversation- you know your answer. Prepare your ducks in the row. However painful it is your life will become easier without additional person adding to your load.

At the moment you’re doing all the parenting,housekeeping and working.He’s just working.

See the imbalance? Something’s going to give.

Newhi · 31/12/2024 11:32

The consequence of him not doing anything is it gets done by you! Why on earth would he change? He doesn’t respect you at all, why would you want to be with a man like that?