Husband never getting up with kids!

[idubo]

He's off for a couple of weeks and I literally have to beg for him to go down with the kids, otherwise he just won't.

I had to go to work yesterday and he still only got up, 3 minutes before I left the house and also said I was only going to the office to get away from him and the kids and I could have worked from home. It's like he thought I was going on a jolly..

Today is another day and again, I've been up with the kids since 6-6:30 am and he's still not up.

It's been like this almost every single day. It's like this at weekends too. How can I change the pattern ?

I'm sick of doing most things around the house and being responsible for everything child related.

Kids are going to grandparents house today for her night stay and I just know that I will be getting them ready, I'll be cleaning the house before we leave ( from yesterdays absolute tip he left it in ) and all he will do is get himself ready.

The other day we went out with the kids and I got myself ready, the kids ready and cleaned the house in the same time it took him to get himself ready and I was still needing to wait in the car for him.

I am just sick of the dynamic. Then when he does get up, he moaps around in his dressing gown. I hate dressing gowns. The other day he came down, had breakfast, left everything out ( often happens ), never empties the dishwasher either. Then his brother came, he had some breakfast. My husband went upstairs to get ready and they both left, leaving everything out on the table.

They came back 6 hours later. I just don't know how to change it, without constantly fighting.

OP my kids are the same age as yours and we pretty much alternate getting up with them on days like weekends and holidays where we’re not all getting up at the same time. It’s a conversation about fairness - right we’ve got two days this weekend, which one’s my lie in and which one’s yours (lie in generally meaning 8am unless there’s really nowhere to be/nothing to do). I do need more sleep than my husband and younger one is still wakeful so go to bed earlier, if your husband is tired he needs to do the same.

If you present it to him as fairness - you get your turn and he gets his - how does he respond?

Wow

He really is a misogynist cock

Does he take any part of running the house and parenting or does he expect to live somewhere and get fed and sex ?

Is a high earner that thinks that somehow gets him out of everything else ?

I would leave in your shoes. I left when my kids were the same age as yours nearly 10 years ago now best decision ever.

When you had children did you not discuss the childcare and how to share it?

I don't usually jump to LTB because it's bandied about too often on here but seriously, would you even miss him if you were on your own?

That's a really good point. What would be to miss? It would just be one less dumping of stuff in the kitchen.

My husband is mainly good at helping but he can be shit with lie ins too.

if it ever is I message him it in black and white:

day 14th dec: you had lie in till 10am (4 hours) and a nap (2 hours) I had 0 hour.

day 15th dec: you had lie in til 9am (3 hours me time) I had 0.

he then realises the unfairness and I get some time back in lieu!!

Go away trying to blame me for it. That's what you're trying to do. You don't know how these things pan out until you're in the situation.

The same goes for ' why did you have another kid '

Maybe because I wanted to and I wanted to give my child a sibling ? Maybe things were a bit better before we had 2 and 2 turned it on its head.

Christ - that's how it was with my ex.

TBH, it was part of the beginning of the end. I finally stopped picking up after him, stopped arranging his car insurance and sorting out his phone bills, stopped doing his washing and stopped waiting for him to agree before just doing it with the kids.

It was still frustrating obviously, but at least I didn't feel so tied down as well as annoyed at him not pulling his weight.

I don't know what you can do. I do know that even though I get up with the kids now (well, less so now they're older - and I trained them to get their own breakfast young so at least I didn't have to rush down when I heard them moving), I don't miss him. He dragged the family down, created more work than he did, and it's far easier to juggle the childcare and my job alone, being able to make all the decisions than trying to do it while annoyed and disappointed.

OP what actually brings to-the table as the partner and parent?

Kids eventually grow and take up some chores.

in 20 years you’ll be still stuck with this lazy man who thinks it’s beneath him to pull his finger out and clean up after himself or parent the kids he’s created.
You’ll be physically and mentally knackered from carrying all the load.

Time for him to shape up or ship out.Tell him that and mean it.

It's simple in my opinion - my H grew up with his mum doing everything for him and for the family. His friend's mums were the same too. The mums did all the cooking and cleaning, the dads went to work and did the bins.

Although my mother in law also worked but wasn't the main bread winner.

So they grow up with that example - as did I and the majority of people our age.

He's never learnt to actually do these things every day. Now he has the big important job and I have the more flexible, make less money than him job and here we are.

Couple all that with the kids being obsessed with their mummy when they're small and you have the perfect storm for this kind of behaviour.

I'm not excusing it but that's the reason for it.

It's hard to change these patterns and I am trying but I get so much pushback when I try.

This is where you need to lose your shit and get real.
He's pathetic and he wouldn’t have been able to get this far living with me.

Tell him to shut the fuck up when he calls you a nag ( doesn’t have to be in those words but he deserves it) and tell him he’s a man child and you are sick of it. You are not a slave for the house and family!!!!

To the person above saying he might not be good in mornings, i’m not great in the mornings, but I drink my coffee and put my grown up pants on because I’m a mum and I have no choice!!!

@CleftChin thankfully he actually sorts out all our admin stuff like car insurance, bills and investments etc. so there's that!

When a person behaves like he does, he is telling you things. That he doesn't give a shiny shit if you're happy or not. He prioritises lazing about over doing his fair share, which he is well aware of, and leaves you exhausted....and, he doesn't care.

That is the point. Extrapolating that, that means that you are staying with someone who doesn't love you.

So what are you getting out of this? I can only see negatives

So what are the children getting out of this? Again, only negatives. And a really deeply poor example of what a marriage is which will probably have a horrible impact on their own choices.

So what he is he getting out of this? Well now he is getting a lot. A tidy house, kids being looked after and he has to contribute nothing. And all he has to do every once in a while is gaslight you in to you both pretending you're nagging which will buy him some more time.

This is your choice op and you absolutely won't be alone if you choose the miserable one. But do ask yourself what on earth you're choosing not leaving for.

OP, for practical tips to encourage change (and I say this hopefully helpfully because I definitely would have gone nuclear by now), can you get him to take on one area of responsibility at a time and then build on it?

For example, I need you to clear up after yourself when you have eaten and load the dishwasher...Or I want a lie in one day at the weekend - which day is yours to get up with the kids?

Painful but a change in behaviour takes time and conditioning.

He does sound like a total man child though. And weaponised incompetence is definitely a thing.

Another entitled, selfish, mummy's boy git! No wonder divorce/ separation rate so high. I HAD one like this. He's someone else's problem now and I live a tranquil life.JimHalpertsWife nailed it.x

What a pathetic reply.

OP's h is a lazy shit who is happy to leave parenting and tidying to her. There is no way to excuse this.

You decided to have children with this man. I don’t understand why these things are not discussed at an early stage as I did with my husband. I’m not blaming you at all but am just astounded that people don’t have these conversations early on. They seem to wait until they are really fed up and pissed off and thinking about leaving before they do anything. I’m not sure where you made the ‘having another child’ leap but yes, if he was like that with the first I would have had a very serious conversation about what was going to happen with the second. The blame for this lies with you both, not me for pointing it out. You sound massively defensive and that’s because, I suspect, you know you should have discussed these things earlier and now these behaviours are entrenched and much harder to change.

I sympathise OP. I have a similar problem with the mornings - and no this wasn’t an issue pre-kids, as of course neither of us were getting up at 6am!

I am now very direct about it. You had a lie in on sat, tomorrow you need to get up and I get a lie in. I am having a lie in today, as a matter of fact!

I still probably do the majority of the mornings, but they know it’s not going to slide that they stay in bed later every day.

No that's the excuse for it, not the reason. He's a grown adult man, he's perfectly able to see the situation is not fair, but he feels entitled to it, because he doesn't respect you. That's what it comes down to, a lack of respect.

Your kids will think being misogynist trash is normal and aspirational, and that women are for serving men.
When you divorce you'll be showing them this is not the case, that women no longer tolerate being treated like staff. The knuckledragger will have to pick up his own mess in his own house.

I had an ex like this. I stopped doing everything for him. There was no point in him being in the house - he brought nothing. Life is much, much nicer without a useless lump in the house.

My ex was like that. As a result he's never had to deal with them in 15yrs 🤷‍♀️.

He sounds pathetic. What a lazy git.

I'd talk to him one last time and lay things out: 'I have got up 13 times out of 14 with OUR DC. I have spent xx extra hours with them. You have had xx extra hours in bed.

'I have made x meals, done shopping and spent x time doing housework. You have done x.

'I am wondering what's the point of being with you. If we divorced, I'd have less to do and more time to myself. I am seriously unhappy about this, and thinking about leaving you. The work has to be more evenly spread' and see what he says.

@Trixiefirecracker who said we didn't discuss it ? Discussing it before you get married is an entirely different thing than when the kids come along ! Come on !!

It sounds like you very much knew who he was when you married him and you still chose to have kids with him. Did you think he would change?
Wouldn't be for me. I'd be telling him if he doesn't want the responsibility of a family then he can move out. But you'll probably still be bemoaning his useless ass on here this time next year no doubt. Good luck with it all.