Husband never getting up with kids!

[idubo]

He's off for a couple of weeks and I literally have to beg for him to go down with the kids, otherwise he just won't.

I had to go to work yesterday and he still only got up, 3 minutes before I left the house and also said I was only going to the office to get away from him and the kids and I could have worked from home. It's like he thought I was going on a jolly..

Today is another day and again, I've been up with the kids since 6-6:30 am and he's still not up.

It's been like this almost every single day. It's like this at weekends too. How can I change the pattern ?

I'm sick of doing most things around the house and being responsible for everything child related.

Kids are going to grandparents house today for her night stay and I just know that I will be getting them ready, I'll be cleaning the house before we leave ( from yesterdays absolute tip he left it in ) and all he will do is get himself ready.

The other day we went out with the kids and I got myself ready, the kids ready and cleaned the house in the same time it took him to get himself ready and I was still needing to wait in the car for him.

I am just sick of the dynamic. Then when he does get up, he moaps around in his dressing gown. I hate dressing gowns. The other day he came down, had breakfast, left everything out ( often happens ), never empties the dishwasher either. Then his brother came, he had some breakfast. My husband went upstairs to get ready and they both left, leaving everything out on the table.

They came back 6 hours later. I just don't know how to change it, without constantly fighting.

I would take every single thing he's left out in the kitchen and put it on his side of the bed, even if he's still in it. I'd do this for everything he doesn't put away after himself. If he moves it to somewhere else in the bedroom it would get put back on the bed until it was sorted properly.

This is called burying your head in the sand op.

You're taking the easy route out to bash at posters defensively rather than think about your actual problem.

And that's normal. It's a big thing to leave.

Well,the time has changed and tell him you’re not his mother to pick up after him. If he wants a servant he should either move back to his mummy or employ one.

Of course he’s pushing back because he doesn’t want his cushy life disturbed.Kids taken care of,house clean,food cooked and sex on tap- he can walk around with a bag of great “family man” while you are reduced to the role of household appliance.

I bet he doesn’t walk into his work and tell his boss to stop nagging and givehim attitude for making a reasonable request(as you do). I bet that he also doesn’t need to be told at work what needs to be done because he “doesn’t see it”. The timelines have to be kept as well,not just to his convenience.

He’s capable but he doesn’t want to. Sorry but he doesn’t care about you. Loving partner pitches in(it’s not helping) and does their share.He’s not.

You can’t change somebody’s behaviour,only the way you react to it so what are YOU going to do?

What is HIS consequence? Not yours.

He won’t change.

He won’t change.

Honestly. He won’t.

So either accept it, or start thinking about life without him. I say this as someone who has only just really realised he won’t change after 18 years.

Would you? I can't think of anything worse than playing tit for tat on a daily basis with someone who is meant to be my partner in life.

That was meant to quote this

I would take every single thing he's left out in the kitchen and put it on his side of the bed, even if he's still in it. I'd do this for everything he doesn't put away after himself. If he moves it to somewhere else in the bedroom it would get put back on the bed until it was sorted properly.

Or he might try and change but it won't last and he's only doing it because OP has asked.

Why are we having to put up with this bullshit and even ask the person that 'loves' us to do the bare minimum.

I gave up asking and grew resentful. And that was the end of our marriage.

If you want it to work you have to lay your cards out now before it's too late. But honestly why should you, he knows exactly what he's doing.

It’s not fair to blame his mum, he’s a grown up and it’s sounds like you do plenty for him and have done for many years.

He’s unlikely to change, so you really only have 2 opinions.

Get on with it.

Or leave him. I favoured the 2nd option, as hard as it is to be a single parent, it’s easier than being a skivy to some one say on their arse watching you.

Then following through with those discussions and decisions obviously. 🙄 You make it sound like suddenly the kids came along and all those discussions about who was doing what went out of the window and that’s normal. Funnily enough it’s not normal for everyone. If you both decide to have children then you both should want to be there when they are growing up and take equal (or at least the discussed) share of the childcare. My husband enjoys being with his kids and that involves early mornings, night wakings/feeds the lot.

You can't change him, speaking from experience. My partner never gets up with the kids, takes them anywhere, does anything with them etc. You either have to accept it or leave. In my case his refusing to leave so we basically live separate lives, even the kids aren't particularly fussed with him either.

I'm not getting defensive for the sake of getting defensive.

It's just unhelpful to cry over spilled milk isn't it ?

Oh did you know he was like this ? Didn't you discuss it ? No I didn't know he would be like this and yes we did discuss it.

Regardless it's not helpful to go on about how I made the wrong choice of partner at all. It's like sticking the knife in. Well you fucked up didn't you, OP ? How the fuck is that helpful in any way ?

That's why I'm getting arsey.

Ah yes! Actually I did have a big box of things he was too important to tidy up - including his driving license, which he'd opened, and left on the coffee table (in a house with toddlers!) for 3 weeks (with me reminding him he should probably put it somewhere safe), before I added it to the box.

He was livid when he couldn't find his license when he finally needed it - didn't even think to look in the box, and when I suggested it that just made him more angry, since it meant picking through dirty coffee mugs and socks.

Angry at me of course, not at himself for not putting it somewhere sensible. Angry at me for not tidying up after him, not at himself for not even bothering to put his mug in the dishwasher (or even in the kitchen) on his way past, or his socks in the laundry bin.

Can you reign things in a bit by not cleaning after him? Not doing his washing. My DH sounds similar. I now only clean after myself and the DC.

I think the only thing that can fix this is to go on strike! No cleaning, no child watching….even if that means throwing them in your room with husband and leaving the house from 6am-10am. Just do everything he does and worse. Or…even better could you move out for a few weeks?x

I complained this morning about his behaviour and now he's cleaning up while I'm giving the kids a bath. I just wish I didn't have to complain and he'd just see what needs to be done.

There’s an article called ‘my wife divorced me for leaving my dishes by the sink’. Show him that. It doesn’t always start uneven my exH was hands on dad for a while but then slacked off. You have an extra child not a partner. The first thing people commented on when we split was how much tidier my house was. I would say go away for a week but he’d probably just get his mum to help. There’s also recent research on having a manchild findanexpert.unimelb.edu.au/news/56445-is-your-partner-a-man-child%3F-no-wonder-you-don%27t-feel-like-sex. My exH could never see it was his laziness that killed the relationship. I had all the attempts to turn it round and make it my fault too. keep reminding yourself and him that it’s his behaviour that’s the problem, not your reaction to it (whether that be ‘nagging’ or not finding him attractive).

This was the same for me, plus my DH put the bins out.

After my divorce, taking on the full load of responsibilities turned out to be a doddle. I would say bins and bills added less than half a days work per year, and having 1 less person to clean up was hugely time saving. I can't say the same for ExDH. Living separately, with 50:50 split of the childcare, significantly impacted on his lifestyle. This was my fault somehow - I had not trained the children to be self cleaning and self sufficient🤣

I can tell you OP, as a lone parent, doing all this myself is actually a lot easier than having a useless partner who I have to constantly negotiate with because he weaponised his incompetence.

Seriously consider if you want to put up with a man child.

I often see this dynamic, it's like these men consider their wives their parent.

(In fairness I have seen this the other way round a lot too)

He does see. He just thinks he's too good to do it, it's for you to do.
You choose how long you're ok with being treated with utter contempt.

You are getting arsey with the wrong people. Don’t wait until it gets so bad you have to nag and complain at him. Sit him down when the kids are in bed and talk to him about how unfair you think it is and how unhappy it is making you. Ask him what he thinks could be done to improve things and ask him to follow through with it. Then review it after a trial period to see what you can improve on and what has worked. Communication really is the key, not sitting around getting more and more frustrated and resentful until you lose your shit with him and then it’s okay for a day because he’s tidied up once. It needs to be a proper positive discussion between both of you about what’s fair and what will work in your marriage.

He can see, he just can’t be bothered. Don’t be under any illusions that he can’t see it. He doesn’t think he should. He thinks you should. Watch he get arsey with you when you stop and the house gets untidy.

I'd send the lazy oaf packing.

Look, just start with one small thing. There are 2 lie-ins available in a normal weekend. On Friday evening: “do you want Saturday lie-in or Sunday lie-in this weekend?” Men will usually say Saturday. If you feel so inclined, on Sat evening you could remind him that he is getting up in the morning and should maybe get to bed a bit earlier. On Sunday morning, you kick him out of bed and put in ear plugs. IF he refuses to get up having made his choice and agreed to it, well there’s no hope of him ever being reasonable and you need to consider the future.

If that approach works at all, you might consider using it in other ways. Along the lines of: “there are two main jobs that need to be done now: tidy the kitchen or give the kids a bath, which do you want? A bit like you just did…will he do a crap job of it on purpose though?

It’s just a lack of respect for you isn’t it? I don’t think there is an easy solution. What is he like in other ways? I couldn’t live like this so I would sit him down and properly talk to him about how it makes you feel. Then if no change get counselling. If that doesn’t work then leave him. Good luck.