Husband never getting up with kids!

[idubo]

He's off for a couple of weeks and I literally have to beg for him to go down with the kids, otherwise he just won't.

I had to go to work yesterday and he still only got up, 3 minutes before I left the house and also said I was only going to the office to get away from him and the kids and I could have worked from home. It's like he thought I was going on a jolly..

Today is another day and again, I've been up with the kids since 6-6:30 am and he's still not up.

It's been like this almost every single day. It's like this at weekends too. How can I change the pattern ?

I'm sick of doing most things around the house and being responsible for everything child related.

Kids are going to grandparents house today for her night stay and I just know that I will be getting them ready, I'll be cleaning the house before we leave ( from yesterdays absolute tip he left it in ) and all he will do is get himself ready.

The other day we went out with the kids and I got myself ready, the kids ready and cleaned the house in the same time it took him to get himself ready and I was still needing to wait in the car for him.

I am just sick of the dynamic. Then when he does get up, he moaps around in his dressing gown. I hate dressing gowns. The other day he came down, had breakfast, left everything out ( often happens ), never empties the dishwasher either. Then his brother came, he had some breakfast. My husband went upstairs to get ready and they both left, leaving everything out on the table.

They came back 6 hours later. I just don't know how to change it, without constantly fighting.

This was the life of someone I know. She did everything and all he ever did was take care of himself. He actually left her in the end, but it didn't take her that long after to realise just how awful he was. He wouldn't even work overtime, with all his spare time, to bring extra needed funds into the home.

It's a desperate situation.

I am going to guess you didn't have a crystal ball when you married.
Turns out he liked the idea and theory of dc but not the reality.

If you muted all the words he says, what do his actions tell you?
Again, I am guessing, he thinks that someone else should clean up after him.
He thinks someone else should raise his children.

You have hinted that his family was raised with his dm running the house completely. His db didn't clear his breakfast plates for example.

Deep breath and think about that.
Dh could pay for a cleaner. You are a wife and mother with a job.
Forgive me but it was not clear how many hours your mil did paid work outside the home as well as being the homemaker.

Dh could pay someone to take over his parenting. Mothers help, daily, nanny, au pair, child minder, baby sitter. The titles and duties vary. He abdicates his responsibilities and farms it out to another source.

If he refuses, you divorce him. He pays half the costs of raising his dc or takes 50% responsibility for their care. Day and night, sick or well while holding down a job and running his own house.

2025 has to be a make or break year for you @idubo
Book into a Premier Inn for 3 nights and leave him to it, phone off. Might make him a bit more reasonable. Call it a late Christmas present from him.

Only he can change himself. Everything you have tried, said and done has not worked. He spouts some hot air, nothing changes. He stays stubborn and you clear up.
Time to try something new and radical.
(I divorced mine. He was soooo shocked)

I discussed this all with my ex. After DC1 he was great, he wasn't really ever any good with housework but cooked and equal parented. DC2 was a game changer and he became abusive, and just a horrid parent and partner.

Perhaps don't blame a woman who is quite obviously at the end of her tether. She is asking for help not judgement.

Always on mn the woman gets blamed for the man's behaviour 🤬 infuriating.

internalised misogyny

Like PPs have said,either walk out or this if your life. Am divorced though went through all this shite plus plus so am talking from experience

@bey it's not blaming the woman for the man's shit behaviour, but women do have to take some responsibility for bringing children into the world with a shit dad, if the man was already showing signs of being shit. And if they were shit for DC1 then don't bring another child into that situation, no matter how much you want another child, think your first needs a sibling. Obviously, if he was great partner before DC1 was planned and had shown caring qualities with other members of family before then and had shown interest in becoming dad, then turned into a shit once DC1 appeared that is completely different.

Why are you being so awful to other posters? Channel that energy at your DH and tell him how things will work from now on. Stop making excuses for him.

I would have stood at that breakfast table and told them to clear up before they go. If he didn't, it would still be there when he got home. Stop putting up with this shit.

It's always afterwards though, isn't it? You only have to read this board to see. And often it doesn't reach peak shittiness until you've had about 2.

Once you have kids, they know you're trapped because it doesn't just affect the two of you anymore and mothers generally won't let children (small children at least, until the point they can do things for themselves) pay the price for a man who's unwilling to step up.

OP could be married to my 'D'H - he's never felt a need to get up with the kids. Despite being part of gender equality boards at work and pre-having his own kids stating repeatedly and clearly that he believed in equality (and that the way his Dad treated his Mum - like a servant - was appalling) he's still done this. My conclusion is there is a deep seated belief within him that I - as their mother- am somehow lesser and should do all childcare and cleaning.

He's improved very gradually over time. He's in charge of lots of people and Very Important Things at work and paid a lot of money yet we once had an argument about how to tell which is the dirty laundry pile and which is clean laundry that has not yet been put away. It's abusive, basically, having to have that argument, because any functional adult can tell, but the question is whether or not it's enough for you to leave. We also once had an argument about whether or not children ever needed their sheets changing. He conceded if they'd vomited or done a wee in their sheets they needed changing but in his opinion regular sheet changes were just ridiculous overly anxious cleanliness hysteria on my part and not ever needed. So if I felt that needed doing it was my choice, not just basic parenting.

Change is possible but in my experience it's slow and frustrating and with a good deal of insult to the woman along the way. But a lot of men are like this and it's likely he'll be just as shit with the kids if you separate and possibly deliberately difficult about child maintenance too so it's pick your poison at this point. (sorry to be so depressing at New Year). Just know you're not alone and keep going out to work, then he's forced to step up.

Sorry, but from all you have said you just need to get away. How can you do this?

I'm tired all the time, actually exhausted but I still manage to get up with my children/get them to school on time but the poor little man is too tired so he must be allowed to sleep while OP does everything!
Tell him to get up, poke him, help the kids climb on him. Stop clearing up after him, just take out what you and the children need from the dishwasher, don't cook for him or do his washing. Why should you do anything for him if he's a lazy arse?

I had one a bit like this. Basically he thought I was being unnecessarily naggy because he didn’t really see all the stuff I was doing. The problem has been more or less solved with a ruthless division of labour.

Choose one thing that particularly bothers you (like getting up in the morning). Sit down and agree a strict division that feels fair to both of you. For example, 3 mornings a week we both get up when the earliest kid wakes up. Two mornings a week we each get to stay in bed until 7am (or whatever). Stick to it rigidly: “It’s your morning…. we agreed we’d both get up on Thursdays”. If he doesn’t do what he’s agreed to do, sit down together again and thrash it out again. “You agreed to get up on Thursdays but you didn’t this morning. Do you want to try again tomorrow or do you need to change the set up so you do Fridays instead (or whatever)?

Make him accountable for doing what he says he will do.

When you’re in a pattern that works, choose another area (eg tidying) until there is a clear division of labour for everything that bothers you. The clarity is really important because it’s the only way to keep him accountable.

Sorry that it’s come to this. My experience with my DH was that he wasn’t a bad man, but he was overwhelmed by small kids and work (as I was of course) and became a bit blinkered and selfish.

I don’t know how old you are but probably around my DC’s ages ( late 30s, early 40s) and I am late 60s. If that’s the case I dispute that Mums did the cleaning etc and that’s why so many men of your generation are lazy .
I worked full time as did all my friends except 1 who married a millionaire!
My son was taught to cook etc and I think he pulls his weight at home . I would be furious if his DW said otherwise.

@Ginnyweasleyswand but it isn’t always afterwards, there are many examples on MN where the male partner can’t cook, doesn’t do any household chores, apart from putting the bins out and then the woman comes on here complaining that he doesn’t get up in the mornings, doesn’t change nappies etc once DC arrive, when the clues were already there

I have this! DS gets up after 12pm sometimes when I’ve been up since 7 with DD. He doesn’t do anything around the house. If I try to talk to him about it he says he’s tired from working full time whereas I work part time etc! I don’t know what to do either!

This really makes me laugh, post on here and them because people don’t jump to agreeing with you start getting the ump. You married him, and had kids with him … was he up with the larks before you had kids? So why is it going to be any different. What do you want people to tell you to do?
Have it out with him … oh I can’t as he gets angry with me.
Either put up with it then, or leave. You get what you settle for 🤷🏻‍♀️

What a total waste of space and oxygen, why are women constantly putting up with these men children who can’t even live like an actual adult

This. You need to have a conversation when you are not angry.

As a side note, I love my dressing gown and I am not a morning person!!! I wouldn’t just let my DH do everything whilst I lazed about though!

I felt sympathy until I read your stroppy and defensive responses to some posters. No doubt I’ll get the same. It doesn’t change the fact that you are not a victim of this, you are partly responsible. He does it to this extent because you complain, but then allow yourself to be treated like this. If you always do what you have always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got. But yes, you carry on being a martyr.

How can you live like this? Why do you want a future with a man who acts like this?

Eye twitching is a bad sign too. You are stressed and exhausted. You need a break.

I would take some time to think about what your boundaries are and what you want for your future. Not the future for your children but what you want your life to look like. I'd then consider whether your dh in his present state is compatible with the future you envision. If he isnt then what are you going to do about it? He hasn't changed so far so is unlikely too going forward.

In my view other posters aren't wrong in stating that you need to take some responsibility for yourself. I'm not in the habit of making my own life harder but you have. Why? Clearly you think he has some sort of redeemable features. Are you willing to have a sit down discussion about what needs to change or you will leave or will you continue as you are? That's of course up to you but in my mind this man isn't a life partner in any way to you. A partner raises you up whereas your dh is a deadweight.

Op honestly fight back. you clearly do have some spirit left in you so turn it on the actual problem.

firstly sit and agree cooking, cleaning, chores and kid get ready days. On his days do not do it. don't cook for yourself or the children, go out until dinner if you have to. same with the cleaning and drop offs. if he doesn't get them to school nursery its his dilemma.

on your day if there's no clean plates, use paper. wash some pots etc and cook then leave them as you found them.

unless you think he will leave his children to starve or put them in danger you have to take a firm stance. they don't do it because they know you will crack or can't help but to get on with it.

Yes it is obstinate and combative but unless stamp out this behaviour and demonstrate that you're not a mug. it will keep happening. don't get into arguments or discussion about, smile serenely and stick to your guns.

either he will act accordingly after few months or he has no desire to have an equitable partnership and you can move on and specifically OUT of this dogs hit situation.

You are not his mother or personally skivvy.

Stop being a door mat. You keep clearing up after him. You are enabling his behaviour. Start putting together your exit strategy.

I had this exact situation with my ex. The resentment grew and grew in me with nothing I said or did making any difference. He just couldn’t (wouldn’t!) see that my life was a drudge whilst he did nothing, but because he earned a big salary, he thought that I should do everything else. I ended it. You already have kids to look after. You don’t need another one.

Maybe start agreeing or if not laying some basic ground rules, be fair, give him fair warning and then let him start experiencing some consequences. At the moment, his punishment for leaving stuff out in the kitchen is that it gets cleared up, or not looking after the kids in the morning is they get looked after by you.

Next time he leaves stuff in the kitchen, pick it all up and empty it in his wardrobe, next time he won't get up with the kids, tip a bucket of water on him.

Maybe extreme but you get my drift ...

I'd do this!