It's too late, right?

[TrackDay]

I'm 40. DH is 52. Happily married for 15 years, childfree.

Hormones have hit me like a freight train - I want a baby.

It's way, way too late, right? It's just hormones. It'll pass?

I wouldn’t, personally. But I have one! so it’s easy for me to say that.

My plan for childlessness before I had her was to go on big adventures at 40, travelling and so on (I would have worked full time for years up to this point, in the plan, so would have had financial options). Could you consider alternatives, or find contentment in the life you have? There are so many possible negative outcomes and maybe having one child makes you think of those, but I just ask myself, could I cope with a child with significant additional needs? What would I do about such a child when I became too old to look after them? It’s rolling the dice, you just have to consider all the possible outcomes and not just the perfect ones.

There is never a right time or a right age. I think you are definitely not too old. I would try for 6 months and then have fertility tests if not successful. 40 is a spring chicken these days.

At 40 it's probably not too late, but it might well be by 42 or 43, so you'd better crack on. By which I mean, talk to your husband. If he says no, maybe you could volunteer with kids. That's what my friend's mum did when she suffered from secondary infertility.

Good luck!

I don’t think it’s the health of your baby that is the issue but the health of you as parents. We are also healthy 50+ year olds with young adult children but are now acutely and sadly aware of friends in our age group who have sadly died due to cancer etc. I wish it wasn’t the case and it isn’t for everyone but unfortunately we have lost several friends already. It’s just something to consider in terms of the impact on the children.

DH was 61 when DD was born: she’s 14 and completely fine, and neither of us can imagine life without her. Yes, the risks are higher when you’re older (and I do encourage you to have all the antenatal tests and be very realistic about what you think you could cope with and what you would do with bad news ) but if you can get pregnant and carry a baby to term the odds are in favour of it being perfectly OK.

Peri menopause hit me hard at 40 with needs for more babies and we already had our hands full. I would have happily had more babies (which wouldn't have been right for us with small house and already 3 sen kids). The need was so strong. Thank goodness dh had the snip so decision was taken out of my hands.

I had an unplanned pregnancy at 43 after having 'completed' our family with three children. I have never regretted it. I was concerned that I would feel like wizened granny at the school gates but actually there were plenty of mums in my age bracket. DD is now 22 so I'm sure it's even more common now!

I sometimes think MN is a parallel universe. I don't know any men in their 70s who are up for managing hormonal teenagers.

It does depend on the individual woman, though. OP can't count on her eggs being spring chickens at 40.

OP, maybe you could do for some fertility tests to get an idea of how much time you might have. Or you could freeze some eggs. That would give you a lot of peace of mind.

I conceived very easily at 41 and had a natural birth at 42. I say go for it.

As for your husband's age, if I had to pick between losing a parent young or not existing at all, I'd go for the former.

Had my daughter when I was 35 and son at 39. Both fairly smooth pregnancies, I did have gestational diabetes as it runs in my family. Both kids born healthy and doing well at school. 40 is definitely not too late, but I think you need to crack on rather than delay it further. Good luck!

I'm 38 and currently pregnant with my second. We had no issue conceiving, it's been a rough pregnancy but my first at 28 was rough as well. It's not too late but given your husband is 52 there is more to consider as you are aware. Good luck!

I sometimes think MN is a parallel universe. I don't know any men in their 70s who are up for managing hormonal teenagers.

I know (especially because you can guarantee the current generation of 70 year old dads are unlikely to be hands on dads anyway), I also find it really odd how prevalent having kids in 40s are on here, no judgement on it at all, but reading threads like this you'd think it was rife, I know of a couple of women who had their thirds in their 40s, but can't think of a single mum who had their first baby in their 40s. No one in my family, no colleague (and I work in a professional role in London, I know MN will tell me it's because I'm not middle class enough, without using those words) but it's only celebrities I know of readily having kids in their 40s. Lots in late 30s sure.

Not too old

Not really. I don't see how making sure you are aware of what can happen and what support you may need to provide is ignorant or abhorrent. Even from a longevity point of view - older parents would be expected to die earlier than younger parents. That could be a lot of time a vulnerable adult is alone in the world.

I’m 45 and I want a baby too….dont think it ever passes.

I think it’s very natural because this is the last time you would be able too

My friend had her baby at 19 but died of cancer at 24.

While the risks are higher the older you are, there’s no point in trying to plan life because bad or good things can happen to anyone at any point.

Similarly for those worrying about disabilities any one of us can have an accident/illness and become permanently disabled.

My mum insisted on waiting until she was financially secure to have children in her mid 30’s - unusual back then. But it wasn’t much use because my dad had a complete mental breakdown which he never recovered from and was unable to work, and my mum had to look after him. We grew up poor anyway.

There’s no point in trying to control life. It’s in the hands of God/ nature/ the universe.

This is true. Two of my miscarriages were IVF pregnancies and so was on progesterone for both.

You’ll get loads of people on here telling you it’s fine, they had babies in their 40s and it’s all great. However I’ll go against the grain and say yes it’s too late.

It’s not just about having a baby. Are you okay with having a teenager in your mid 50s, for your husband late 60s?

Are you okay with everyone mistaking you for the grandparents? Are you okay with going to your kids sports clubs and being 20 years older than the other mums there?

newborn babies are lovely and sweet and so cuddly but they are for life not just for Christmas.

You’ll get egged on massively because MN seems to think there’s no such thing as too late. It might not be for you but it certainly is for your bloke. He’ll be a pensioner in 15 years time and 70 with a kid starting university. Bad plan.

Not too late! Do it!

The less exciting answer is none of us can say. I have a friend with 9 children who turns 50 in January & her youngest is 2

But it doesn’t mean that would be the same for everyone. If you & DH are both in the same place, of course start trying. I wish you all the luck in the world.

We had our second when I was just shy of 40. Unplanned. Told we couldn’t after our first 8 years earlier.

Do you both want a baby?

I don't know whether it's too late, but agree that it will probably pass. A combination of hormones and emotion does not lead to a good decision.
Remember that just because you think that you want a baby, it doesn't mean that you should have a baby.
Plus your partner has to agree - I can't think of many people who would want to be parenting a teenager in their retirement!

Sit it out, and in a few years' time I can guarantee you'll be relieved that you remained childfree.