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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's too late, right?

459 replies

TrackDay · 30/12/2024 21:13

I'm 40. DH is 52. Happily married for 15 years, childfree.

Hormones have hit me like a freight train - I want a baby.

It's way, way too late, right? It's just hormones. It'll pass?

OP posts:
starstar84 · 31/12/2024 00:04

A friend had two children with a 55 year old man, both issue free and gorgeous kids. Obvs think through implications of if he died when they were youngish etc, could you cope? Money helps. I say do it!

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 31/12/2024 00:08

I think 52 is far too old. He'd look like their grandad. And at that age, more likely to be a grandad rather than a dad for good reason. I think him having to pick up a toddler from nursery in his mid 50s or going to sports day at school in his 60s or watching his child graduate in his 70s is just embarrassing tbh.

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/12/2024 00:08

@GlomOfNit nothing to do with the thread but wanted to say I love your UN! got a Band with Rocks In tour shirt for Xmas!

Viviennemary · 31/12/2024 00:08

No, but get a move on.

Crazybaby123 · 31/12/2024 00:09

I know plenty of women who have had babies in their 40s. It is not too old at all. I would say that youre DP will feel it more than you at 52, my DH is early 50s and we have a 6 and 10 year old and he struggles with the energy the kids have, running around a park playinf football with them just doesn't happen. But there are clubs for that. Just be realistic about the type of parents you can be, older parents have a lot to offer that younger ones don't and vice versa.

DragonFly98 · 31/12/2024 00:09

Not to late I had my last two children at 41 and 44.

NotTheMrMenAgain · 31/12/2024 00:09

From what you’ve described, it sounds like you and DH are probably in better health (and a much better financial position) than many younger parents. More
money means less stress overall and the ability to buy in as
much help as you like. Being older and wiser can be a good thing - having more life experience and patience, enjoying the moment and the different stages if it’s an only DC (big fan of onlies here, have one myself).

Basically, things are never perfect. Each pregnancy is a roll of the dice and you can never really know how things will go. But, I suppose if you don’t roll that dice, you’ll never find out. I had my DC mid-30s - after never having so much as a twitch of maternal feeling my entire life, the desire for a baby hit me overnight, like a tonne of bricks. And thank the gods it did, because 16 yo DC is the best thing I ever, ever did. It gives me shivers to think that, if it wasn’t for ‘the hormones’ my DM banged on about for years, she wouldn’t be here.

As a side note regarding old parents, my DF was supposed to be the menopause. His DM was 52 when she became pregnant with him. It was during WW2 and one of his older brothers, who was home on leave, patted her tummy and made a comment about their being “another one in there”. He was whacked with a tea towel and got a flea in his ear - but he wasn’t wrong! Sadly that brother never met DF as he was killed in action - but my DF was an utter delight of a man. He way step-dad in reality, but we adored each other. He was kind, calm, amazingly skilled in anything practical and like a magnet when it came to kids or animals. You
literally couldn’t leave him outside a shop for a few
minutes before a random toddler was showing him their socks or a cat had mooched up for a stroke. Kindness radiated from him and I still miss him every day. Older parents did him no harm whatsoever and I’m certain he
wouldn’t have changed a thing.

Best of luck with it all.

JayJayEl · 31/12/2024 00:10

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 31/12/2024 00:08

I think 52 is far too old. He'd look like their grandad. And at that age, more likely to be a grandad rather than a dad for good reason. I think him having to pick up a toddler from nursery in his mid 50s or going to sports day at school in his 60s or watching his child graduate in his 70s is just embarrassing tbh.

What a piggish outlook!

ForeverDelayedEpiphany · 31/12/2024 00:11

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 31/12/2024 00:08

I think 52 is far too old. He'd look like their grandad. And at that age, more likely to be a grandad rather than a dad for good reason. I think him having to pick up a toddler from nursery in his mid 50s or going to sports day at school in his 60s or watching his child graduate in his 70s is just embarrassing tbh.

Excuse me, my DH is 53 and we have a 4 year old DD. He doesn't look like her grandfather! 😳😖 I had her aged 38 and she is our youngest, so a bit harder work but definitely not too old.

ForeverDelayedEpiphany · 31/12/2024 00:12

JayJayEl · 31/12/2024 00:10

What a piggish outlook!

Show quote history

Couldn't agree more 👏

starstar84 · 31/12/2024 00:13

ForeverDelayedEpiphany · 31/12/2024 00:11

Excuse me, my DH is 53 and we have a 4 year old DD. He doesn't look like her grandfather! 😳😖 I had her aged 38 and she is our youngest, so a bit harder work but definitely not too old.

Show quote history

It really depends on the person, I agree. My friends partner who is 55 is a very young and fit 55 - with a playful energy and lots of life left. Lots more than many men in their 30s and 40s tbh!

Thehaberdasher · 31/12/2024 00:13

@TrackDay I’m your age. I have a 1.5 year old. I’m thinking about having another soon, which would make me 40/41 if I was to give birth. I don’t think you’re too old, but there’s not a lot of time to waste, so you’d need to start soon. Defs start on folic acid if you’re thinking about it.

I was on the fence for my whole adult life about having kids… and looking back my body just took over and made a decision before my mind could really catch up. All my friends were shocked when I told them I was pregnant, because they didn’t see me as ever wanting kids. I’m so, so happy I have had one. It’s completely changed my life and perspective. Yes, it is tiring, but that won’t be forever. It’s actually a very small part of it.

There’s 5 years in the difference of 35 and 40 and while fertility is different, when you’re 40 some people put so much emphasis on the potential for special needs, dealing with a kid while you have menopause, having less time with the kid due to being older and dying earlier… those things can happen at variable ages!
On mumsnet I do suspect a lot of these comments come from people who had kids earlier and are often judgemental of older mums for some reason or another. Personally, I wasn’t financially stable in my 20s. I didn’t have a home and I was still building a career. I’m so happy I am in a position that I can provide well for my child.

Good luck with your decision. Whatever one you make is right.

NotTheMrMenAgain · 31/12/2024 00:13

Don’t want to be rude, but you’re the one who sounds like an embarrassment. You clearly have an opinion, but there’s no need to be a bellend about it.

Ladymuck2022 · 31/12/2024 00:13

Don’t know I was 43 and asked by the sonographer recently if I still wanted children as still possible, the fibroid must be in the right place.

Chatting to Mum earlier, my aunt was nearly 45 at last baby on 2nd attempt.

Known of a couple of men go into fatherhood late towards their 50’s oh kind of hard.

JayJayEl · 31/12/2024 00:14

Maybe it's because I became a parent via adoption, but I'm genuinely surprised that (almost?) everyone has offered advice in relation to becoming pregnant, especially considering the OP' and partner's ages.
@TrackDay Adoption aside, maybe becoming a foster carer would be an avenue you can look down?

Supergirl1958 · 31/12/2024 00:14

TrackDay · 30/12/2024 21:13

I'm 40. DH is 52. Happily married for 15 years, childfree.

Hormones have hit me like a freight train - I want a baby.

It's way, way too late, right? It's just hormones. It'll pass?

Nope my colleague had a baby when she was 44!

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 31/12/2024 00:15

Had my last at 38 go for it

starstar84 · 31/12/2024 00:16

Thehaberdasher · 31/12/2024 00:13

@TrackDay I’m your age. I have a 1.5 year old. I’m thinking about having another soon, which would make me 40/41 if I was to give birth. I don’t think you’re too old, but there’s not a lot of time to waste, so you’d need to start soon. Defs start on folic acid if you’re thinking about it.

I was on the fence for my whole adult life about having kids… and looking back my body just took over and made a decision before my mind could really catch up. All my friends were shocked when I told them I was pregnant, because they didn’t see me as ever wanting kids. I’m so, so happy I have had one. It’s completely changed my life and perspective. Yes, it is tiring, but that won’t be forever. It’s actually a very small part of it.

There’s 5 years in the difference of 35 and 40 and while fertility is different, when you’re 40 some people put so much emphasis on the potential for special needs, dealing with a kid while you have menopause, having less time with the kid due to being older and dying earlier… those things can happen at variable ages!
On mumsnet I do suspect a lot of these comments come from people who had kids earlier and are often judgemental of older mums for some reason or another. Personally, I wasn’t financially stable in my 20s. I didn’t have a home and I was still building a career. I’m so happy I am in a position that I can provide well for my child.

Good luck with your decision. Whatever one you make is right.

I agree with this. Glad I built my career and had a lot of life experience before conceiving at 40. I had an abortion in my mid 20s as I knew I was nowhere near ready - financially, practically, emotionally - and glad I did. It’s selfish to bring a child into the world too early, I think, though I guess those that did know nothing else which makes it easy to judge those who wait or who are not in the right circumstances to conceive earlier.

NotTheMrMenAgain · 31/12/2024 00:16

NotTheMrMenAgain · 31/12/2024 00:13

Don’t want to be rude, but you’re the one who sounds like an embarrassment. You clearly have an opinion, but there’s no need to be a bellend about it.

Oh, that was meant for @ChildrenOfTheQuorn

Xmasbaby11 · 31/12/2024 00:16

I would wonder why the sudden urge when you have been in a position to have a baby for so long.

Aside from your age, I think it's pretty old for your DH to become a father. My DH was 46 and 48 in great health when we had dc. The baby and toddler years hit him harder than me (10 years younger). Fastforward to 13 years later, he's 59, only minor health problems but he is still quite knackered and just not how he was mid forties. Others his age are winding down or taking early retirement but he can't afford to with a family to support. He's at a very different life style to other friends with grown up children.

I don't regret having DC but it's been harder than we'd have imagined. We met later so didn't have the choice to start a family earlier - he was 40 and it took a few years to find stable work in the same place, move in together and get married.

Although if you are well off, you have that in your favour and being able to buy in help does make a difference, and/or not having to work long hours. I think it's not impossible but it has to be something you both really want.

Elektra1 · 31/12/2024 00:19

Of course it's not too late! I was nearly 43 when I had my youngest child. Go for it if DH is on board.

Prettydisgustingactually · 31/12/2024 00:19

Pipconkermash · 30/12/2024 23:44

I wouldn’t have thought so, not at 52.

Show quote history

Yes he’s definitely onboard. She says so in one of her posts.

NotTheMrMenAgain · 31/12/2024 00:19

JayJayEl · 31/12/2024 00:14

Maybe it's because I became a parent via adoption, but I'm genuinely surprised that (almost?) everyone has offered advice in relation to becoming pregnant, especially considering the OP' and partner's ages.
@TrackDay Adoption aside, maybe becoming a foster carer would be an avenue you can look down?

Yeah, that’s because the OP specifically asked about pregnancy because she wants a baby. She didn’t ask about fostering - I’ve huge admiration for foster carers but it’s an entirely different kettle of fish.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 31/12/2024 00:20

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 31/12/2024 00:08

I think 52 is far too old. He'd look like their grandad. And at that age, more likely to be a grandad rather than a dad for good reason. I think him having to pick up a toddler from nursery in his mid 50s or going to sports day at school in his 60s or watching his child graduate in his 70s is just embarrassing tbh.

No-one would bat an eyelid because they would just think he's a grandparent, amongst the other grandparents there picking up or watching the graduation.

knackeredknCkered · 31/12/2024 00:21

I had my third at 38:..he is an amazing person. He always says that he learned so much from younger siblings mistakes 🤭