It's too late, right?

[TrackDay]

I'm 40. DH is 52. Happily married for 15 years, childfree.

Hormones have hit me like a freight train - I want a baby.

It's way, way too late, right? It's just hormones. It'll pass?

First baby at 42, second at 44 ... best decision I ever made

In my country the average age is over 70. Im not sure if the UK is different.

Chromosomal abnormalities in particular

She did say DH is definitely onboard.

I think for you at 40 it's fine but not with your DH being over 50, I say this from a place of experience; my dad was 73 when he passed away earlier this year, his youngest (my sister) is only 26, I'm 32 & I know people in their 50's who's parents are still alive and I am insanely jealous.
My sister would always say how she remembers our dad not being able to do a lot with her as a child because of his age and age related health problems. Luckily he had 3 children so we have each other now he is gone - your child won't have that & that's something you really need to think about.
We grew up without a mother though, but what if something happens to you? Would your DH be able to be a single parent as an old man? My dad struggled so much, worked two jobs, kept getting taken to hospital because he just ran himself into the ground.

Really think about it

I see so many threads where all the focus is on how the parents will cope and the effect on the child is barely acknowledged, so it's great to see an OP putting the hypothetical child first.

Personally, my dad being older wasn't an issue while he was alive. He was very knowledgeable and wise and I never gave his age much thought. Losing him so young destroyed me though, especially as I had no relationship with extended family.

You say you have no family, does your DH?

Age of mortality in Uk is (in most places) over 80, but that still leaves OP’s kid potentially losing their dad when they’re well under 30.

OP, please read ‘The Impatient Woman’s Guide to getting pregnant’ by Jean M Twenge. It’s so informative and very positive and empowering.

Basically, your chances of conceiving within a year are 82%, whereas a 25 year old’s chances are 92%… we’ve been lied to. Your chances of pregnancy every month are more like 40% than the 5% you are led to believe.

So read the book and take on board her suggestions like taking Co-Enzyme Q-10 supplements to increase your fertility. Track your cycles, take ovulation predictor kits and take basal body temperature to find out when you will ovulate and AIM to do the deed in the 2 days before ovulation.

I conceived within 4 cycles at the age of 37, there’s no reason it should be any different for you x

Oh come ON! 😂You MUST know that wasn't at all the point of what I was saying! It was a way of illustrating how "not average and usual" having a baby is when you're 40, as other people have suggested on this thread.

If you really took from that that it's about how one looks compared to other mothers then I'm not sure you should be posting any advice or opinion at all.

Its not too late physically, although there is no denying that it may well be more difficult.

My concern is how you describe your life.

You talk about doing other things, your hobbies etc it makes me think that you have your life all sorted out in a way that you and your husband love and are happy with.

A baby will change all of that in ways you cannot begin to understand. Hobbies will always go by the wayside (no matter what we convince ourselves.....and no you wont have time to write a book on maternity leave, a common delusion!) and often one partners (usually the woman, lets face it) hobbies/downtime suffers far more than the others and the resentment starts. That then adds to the fact that a baby throws a hand grenade into any marriage, no matter how strong. The early days/weeks/months/years are HARD. Some people hit lucky and dont find it too bad, but many do just because of the normal stuff like sleep deprivation, illnesses, trying to do all that you used to do AND take care of this new needy creature as well. Arguments, stress, anger, upset, it all happens. Its normal and it does pass but its hard.

The people who, in my admittedly anecdotal experience, found adjusting to parenthood hardest are the ones who had everything sorted. They thought that a baby would simply slot in when in fact a baby changes almost everything.

I get the need, I really do. I had 6 so yes, I do get the visceral physical need, but having a baby is the tiniest part of giving your whole life over to parenting.

This is an interesting (and lovely!) post. Have you considered adoption? My wife was 43 when our son came home, but we are far from the eldest parents in our little adoption support group. We're definitely part of the older parent crowd at our son's nursery (I'm 39) but we've never felt out of place. Plenty of women have babies in their 40s, but obviously it's much harder to conceive then. The adoption process is difficult, but you do know that at the end you'll very likely become a family of 3 (or more). That isn't necessarily the case with trying to birth a biological child. Something to consider!

OP yes - it could well just be a last surge of hormones and will pass. I know a few women this has happened to. It did pass.

As a counter to all the ardent MNers saying 'oh but there IS still time, of course you can!' - ask yourself, should you? You are much more likely to have complications and possibly a baby with a congenital condition with your ageing eggs and your husband's ageing sperm. Nobody wants to hear this but it's absolutely true - as women, we should probably try getting our babies in when we're in our early 20's (about the time we're forging the starts of our careers) and then soon afterwards really killing it in our chosen careers. Instead, we wait it out until we're starting to get somewhere in work, and then pull the plug, even if just for a year or two. I had mine when I was 34 and 37 and I really, really wish I'd done it ten years earlier. I've never resumed my career (my fault entirely), I'm exhausted and my younger son has very high needs that will be with him all his life. I'm 51 and perimenopause is hitting hard. I don't have the bloody energy for a wired autistic boy with LDs!! (and neither does DH though at least he'll never experience the menopause.)

Your partner is over 10 years your senior. So in his 60's he'll be parenting a child in primary school and supporting you through perimenopause. In his 70's he'll be supporting a teenager going off to university.

As another poster adroitly commented, 'wanting a baby' is a transitory thing. They're not babies very long! (Long enough in some parents' experience...) You then get a feisty toddler, an energetic school starter, all the tempests of friendship dynamics, the after-school sports and clubs, the hormones and puberty tantrums, the exams angst (that never lets up, BTW) and first relationships... I'm not saying that none of this brings joy and fulfilment as a parent - it really does! - but it also requires energy.

When I was 30, I got pregnant - with now DH - was in a stable relationship, had a home, had everything going for us, but I never wanted children, seriously never wanted them, so had a termination.

42 - BANG - hormones - got as broody as a person could be. I was like WTF? Its was a really stressful time for me , suddenly wanting to have a baby at that age, I really started to beat myself up for the termination , I was all over the show for months. Then as I moved through the peri menopause, the feelings subsided

Im 60 now, and Im as adamant now as I was back when I was 30. I didnt want children and Im glad I listened to my head and not my body

Just that wee wobble, hormone changes as we hit peri menopause . In my day it was talked about as the body knowing childbearing days were coming to the end and it giving you your last chance

I wouldn’t have thought so, not at 52.

So you've gone from wanting none, to three? Pace yourself!

Personally I think your husband is too old. No matter how wonderful he may be, parenting is absolutely knackering and relentless. I really don't think he will have the energy or stamina. Running around after a toddler at 55? No thanks.

Not necessarily too late no. I had mine (naturally/unassisted) at 39 (few months shy of 40) and 45, easy pregnancies and healthy children. Fertility is very personal but what would give me greater pause is that you have been - presumably happily - child free for such a long time. Which would make me wonder whether its really what you want or hormones. Good luck.

How dare you say this to someone about their kid. Your comments here are deeply arrogant and incorrect. “High chance of autism”. The word you are looking for is increased. Many people are autistic and living fine lives independently.

I wouldn’t do it for a whole host of reasons, and I’m speaking as someone who did do it at 42.

Hear, hear!!

Think about the child in this scenario. As the daughter of old parents - mum 8 years younger than dad but both older, I would never have a child at your/ your husbands age

It's not too late. DH and I had our first child at 40 after being happily childfree for a decade. Like you the hormones hit me. For what it's worth, I conceived naturally the first month of trying. My DH is the same age as me though. We're both bloody knackered now in our mid-forties, I can't imagine having to parent until I'm 70 (and beyond). Both of my parents had dementia by that age.

Are you comfortable sharing why you feel that way? I'm really interested!

You're nearly 50 and really know the status of every single person in your 6th form? Blimey. Did none of you move away from where you went to 6th form and you all see each other down the pub? I can't even remember half the names of the people in mine, and the ones I do remember the names of have probably either changed their name via marriage or have never joined FB. I occasionally remember someone and look them up but they seem to have vanished without a trace. For all I know they've been dead for the last 20 years.

I don't think that's fair at all. The PP was just saying that people need to be prepared for the challenges that come with having a child experiencing additional needs and to be aware of that as a possibility.

Many people don't want a child with disabilities (not saying that the PPs feel this).That is exactly why it's not very common these days to see people living with trisomy 21, even though the rate of births to women 35-plus, 40-plus, and 45-plus have skyrocketed. In October 2020, the BBC reported that 90 percent of people whose ante-natal testing showed a high-risk for trisomy 21 opted for a termination. So, negative attitudes to disabilities definitely exist, but I don't think the PP said anything wrong!

I had my first (and only) at 39. It’s not too late but the risks of pregnancy being harder on the body (mine was, and not sure I will ever recover fully) and issues with the child (mine is fine and wonderful but there is an increased risk) are real. Having a child is also very very all consuming and in some ways I think this is harder for those of us who have been child free and not had to have the relentless 24/7 toll of caring in our adult lives Mine is also a terrible sleeper and so literally years without sleep on top of not being able to see friends and do career stuff as easily and really at all is taking its toll. With age this also means that’s it for most of your healthy adult life. By the time child is 20s you will be 60s and no longer young - with your DH in his late 70s. That’s a lot for child to bear. But I also think motherhood is a rewarding experience and one I am glad to have. I wouldn’t have another though. The costs (financial emotional physical mental) are too much.