It's too late, right?

[TrackDay]

I'm 40. DH is 52. Happily married for 15 years, childfree.

Hormones have hit me like a freight train - I want a baby.

It's way, way too late, right? It's just hormones. It'll pass?

Are you in good shape health wise? I had my 2nd at 40 and it was always me mentioning my age, the medical staff didn't bat an eyelid. They said actually other factors would be far more a risk factor than being 40, obesity for example. They said I was actually a lot lower risk than women much younger than me as I was in good shape health wise. I had a textbook pregnancy same as the first, no morning sickness, no concerns, okish labour which resulted in assisted delivery, straightforward recovery. Perfect little girl and without being too smug I think I'm a great Mummy 😍

Yes times have changed. Life expectancy has stalled and is even reducing.

Maybe some data will help

I had my second baby at 41 (after 3 mc, mind you) but still managed just a 2.5 year age gap between him and our first.
It's not too late, but try in earnest if you are going to.

I cannot imagine my life without my little boy. He's just the whole heart of me. 40 isn't too old.

I appreciate all the replies - from all perspectives and experiences.

@blossomtoes You have voiced a lot of valid concerns I've had run through my mind, thank you for your input.

No I'm 50 years old lol. But it is the first time I've heard it. No crime there

No not at all lol, I think I am just far too invested in these threads ha!

not true and also incredibly backward in thinking.

Do what feels right for you both.

I had DS aged 37 ( nearly 38). I was in great health. I've since had cancer diagnosis after cancer diagnosis and I don't even know if I will make it until he's 18. I'm 53 now.

If you BOTH want a baby, crack on.
You just don't know what I obstacles you ) or your DH) will face along the way. No one does.

Also factor in peri/ menopause, with a young child.

Just to add that being an older parent, particularly for your husband is not all bad. My best friend married a man much older than her. He had retired by the time their daughter hit high school. But this meant he was there to do all school runs, holiday care etc and they had a very close bond. So maybe quality over quantity maybe.

Maybe they were run over by that bus that keeps knocking over 30 something parents.

I don't want to laugh in case karma comes for me!

It’s not just about reproducing though is it. What about the next 20 years of parenting?

You’re very welcome. It’s a huge decision and it’s very easy for people to tell you to “go for it” when the only people who have to live with the repercussions are you and your bloke. You need to make the decision with your eyes open.

A lot of people are living longer and if you are healthy it tends to keep increasing.

Had my children at 42 and 44. All good. It is not too late. If you can employ a nanny then do so- the early days can be tough and you will need to make sure you can rest. Otherwise no, I was somewhat unusual, but not the only 40 something mother at the infants school at all.

I say go for it! I read all your posts and you sound like you and DH will make great, loving parents. You’ve thought it all through, you have time and money, you’re fit and healthy. My friend was 45 when she had her second and all was fine.
I think you will always wonder if you don’t - but get going soon if you go ahead. Best of luck.

Wouldn't it be lovely for you in years to come to have the company and support of your child if anything did happen to your husband

That's a really warped way of thinking. There are things I could say to that, but I think I'd better not.

Absolutely - and the decision will be made with the best interest of our hypothetical child/children in mind, rather than what I feel I can handle. As of course I'm going to feel I can handle anything!

As lovely as it is to read positive experiences, the reality of DH being 52 is more of a significant factor than my age - even assuming we have no fertility issues, the real-life bearing of a child having older parents - is that fair on them.

OP, also think about whether you can handle SN. You will get many ill- informed posters saying all parents have to consider that, but the chances rise with age, no.matter what posters are saying about male sperm being good till 75. That's all anecdata. Look at the data.

Also consider risk of twins+ and complex pregnancy at advanced maternal age.

Kitteninabasket what do you mean ? I lost my Dad when I was 28 and I was very much a support for my mother when he died ...

Haven't RTFT but I've read your reposnses. I don't think it's too late. My dad was in his 50s, mum in her early 40s when I was born. I'm early 40s with 2 children under 5. As a child I was occasionally embarrassed at my parents being mistaken for my grandparents, and I'm sad I lost them both before I turned 40, but I couldn't have wished for better parents, and I know people who's young mums died in childhood so age is no guarantee.

From a parenting point of view, it's exhausting and I don't get into the energetic play like I did with friends children when I was younger, or like the younger mums we do play dates with will do. Flip side is I've finally got the money for a cleaner / childcare / nice things and experiences. The children (and us parents) have security we wouldn't have had in our 20s or early 30s and I'm at a career point where I can go part time without worrying about progression and have a great work life balance. I've also done LOTS of living in my youth and love mynmain focis being the kids and feel like I've missed out on nothing. I've got lots of mum friends my age with children similar age so I think it's a lot more common these days. It might be harder TTC at this age so maybe just let nature take it's course and see what happens. Good luck x

Go for it!

My DH was early 50s when our second DC was born. There was a whole range of ages at the school gates. He certainly didn't stick out as being an older dad. Mums of all ages too.

Crack on and live a life of no regrets. x

I think OP that if you are considering having a baby, you always have to be prepared for the possibility of having a disabled child/ending up as a carer.

A child can be born with an unexpected disability to a parent of any age. Any child can go on to develop a disease which leaves them disabled. Any child can go on to have an injury or be involved in an accident which leaves them disabled.

When you decide to become a parent, you are accepting that you will love your child no matter what. And that you will hold their hand on their life's path, wherever that path may go.

Of course the risks increase with age, but the numbers are actually still pretty low. Let's pick autism as an example - the risk for OP would increase to 56 children in 10,000. This compares to 34 children in 10,000 for younger parents. There's an increase, but not wildly higher.

Any child can end up needing lifetime care. You just never know. And if you're not prepared to provide that, you shouldn't become a parent, regardless of how young/old you are.

And I say all this as the parent to two autistic DC, who I gave birth to aged 34. Twins - DS has high needs and will be at home with me for life. DD might live independently eventually, but not looking likely right now. So I know what life is like with two disabled teenagers who are still fully dependent, and one still in nappies.

Yes, it can be hard. But I wouldn't ever go back and change my decision to have children. They make everything worthwhile. I love them to bits.

The increase in risk - not just for autism but for everything - isn't crazy high at age 40. If you feel the urge to try for a baby and become a mum at age 40, I can't see any reason not to give it a go.

Westwardho is right. Life expectancy is no longer increasing and has reduced in many areas post pandemic. However aside from this I think 50 is too old to start a family. It’s also a massive generational gap between parent and child. Not to mention how much more likely you are to develop health conditions in your 60’s when you would still have a primary school aged child.

But this simply isn’t true, age of mortality is decreasing across the country (in some demographics and locations more than others). It’s unarguable that if you’re an older parent your children are more likely to be younger adults when you die. My dd has already experienced her father nearly dying when she was 10 and he was a fit 50yo at the time. It’s not irresponsible to consider the increasing health concerns that come with age. Even very healthy people- the guru of Ashtanga yoga recently passed at 52 from a heart attack. Had he had a child at 40, that child would have lost their dad at the age of 12, and nobody would suggest that’s ideal! Yes, I know anyone can succumb at any age but the risks do increase as we get older.