DH resents how I don’t drive

[FlyingHighintheSkyy]

It causes massive problems between us. He says how much he hates driving and being the only driver. We live in a semi rural area and he always makes comments like not being able to drive is pathetic and I was pathetic for not learning when I was young (I didn’t need to as I lived in a big city)

Big pressure from DH and MIL to move closer to DHs job so we ended up in a semi rural area area.

I’ve taken 4 driving tests in total, spent thousands of my own savings, done god knows how many theory tests and have cried my eyes out and broken down during many driving lessons.

I even bought a car and the exhaust fell off - DH and Mil promised to take it to a garage for me, refused to let me sort it, months passed and the car ended up with a clamp as it was parked on our street!

DH still moans about “ferrying me around” when we are actually taking the kids out, it’s not like he’s giving me a lift to a spa!

He constantly says he’s driving my “lazy arse” around but I’m very happy to get busses, he just wants me home quicker from work and insists on picking me up.

Sorry, long post, for additional info I have ADHD which might explain why I struggled so much with driving. DH feels cheated as I promised I would learn to drive. Seeking advice please.

Just to say I'm with many pp's

A ADHDer

B Passed automatic, in my late 40s

C Agree, yep, your husband's a pathetic lazy bullying prick, ditch the twunt! You deserve better.

OMG your husband sounds absolutely foul @FlyingHighintheSkyy . I would actually wonder if I could be bothered to spend the rest of my life married to him if I were you.

If somebody doesn't drive and can't bother to learn and expects other people to ferry them around all their life, and they just keep begging for lifts, then I do get annoyed with those kind of people. And I would find it hard being the only driver in the family. But you have tried and tried and tried and spent thousands, and had 4 tests, and you still can't pass, so I would be really appreciative if I was your husband - because you're at least trying.

He needs to let you all move into an area where you don't really need much public transport if it's going to be such an absolute whacking thundercunt to you for not driving. I feel really sorry for you. I hope you can manage to pass your test soon, then I would really seriously think about staying with this man. He has been absolutely vile to you. And at least if you get rid of him, you get rid of the cunty MIL too!

Honestly I can see his point, DH doesn’t drive and we have 3 young children. Take him an hour to get home at night from a job a 15 minute drive away. Nights out, he is always the drinker and I’m the driver, even when I was in labour I had to have one parent watching the kids whilst another drove us to hospital! I have asked him many times to get back into it, but finances are always an excuse reason. I think his nervous. BUT, I would never treat him like a piece of shit like your husband does over it!

I have a driving licence, but I rarely drive (I've become very nervous driving). So my husband does all the driving, and he doesn't complain about it; he knows I appreciate it (and there are everyday tasks I always do, that he appreciates). I'd rather be single than be in a resentful relationship.

I know plenty of people that have taken more than 4 tests. You need to persevere. I couldn’t be with an adult that just stopped trying to pass.

My nephew (who is a professional sportsman so coordinated by nature) failed his test 8 times and ended up passing only in an automatic.

Perhaps try one more time if DH funds the lessons and buys an automatic? Get him to pay upfront though!

Or suggest you all move back to the city so you all take public transport. Remind him you moved because of him.

It would irk me if I was the only driver. I am mildly ADHD. So was my mother. I taught her to drive a manual when she was in her fifties. She was the most nervous driver at the start. The key was lots of reassurance and practice. I think its important to finish a lesson on a successful note. She had a block of lessons from a professional driving instructor before she sat her test. My sons learnt to drive automatics!

I failed my first driving test and then my dad taught me. I wasnt a natural. I used to hope traffic lights would be green so I wouldn't have to stop and then have to change up taking off. One of my school friends hit a lamppost on her driving test and even she passed in the end. Honestly, I'd try an automatic and practice is the key. Eventually it all becomes instinctive. If my mother could learn, almost anybody can learn.

Apart from automatics, some cars are easier to drive than others too - go for something with an easy clutch and good visibility. I learnt in an ancient Ford without power steering and with first gear not synchromeshed so you to be totally stationary before you could change into first. Make sure the seat and rear view mirror are properly adjusted for you and you are sitting far enough forward.

When learning a new skill I find it helps to visualize it as sort of a mental movie with me getting in the car, buckling up,turning on the ignition with my foot on the clutch and then easing off the clutch and gently accelerating. Or driving round roundabouts or whatever. I usually do this before I fall asleep. Being able to make a vivid mental picture is a plus of being ADHD.

I passed after so many failed tests I've lost count. I'm fine driving locally but not great at further afield, I'm not sure if I am neurodiverse or not. I also had the annoyed DH that pushed me to get it done, I might not have otherwise.

You should not have been pushed to move to a semi rural area in this situation.

Excellent idea. It took me a long time to pass my test as, like you, I learned when I was a little older. However, I finally managed it after several attempts (I was not a natural driver) and it has been life changing for me. I am very much an A to B driver and only drive locally, but it is enough. I persevered with learning in a manual because at that time automatics were few and far between and far more expensive. A few years ago, I had my first automatic. I would never, ever go back to manual driving. It is so much easier and enjoyable. I know many people who say the same thing. More and more cars are automatic these days and I think it will only be a matter of time before we are almost completely automatic and manual cars are the rarity.

However, one thing struck me from your post. You almost seem afraid of your husband. Many, many families have been in the same position as you where only one adult can drive. Part of being a good driver is knowing your limitations. For me, it is the fact that I don’t like driving in unfamiliar places and on motorways, so our solution is that DH is the driver when we are together. Other people may well think that this is very old-fashioned, but it works for us as he prefers to drive and l prefer being a passenger. When I want to go on longer journeys by myself, I go by train. There really is no shame in any of this.

So wise not to.
i gave up after years, eye issues, undiagnosed prism for years, now weaker muscles due to Parkinson’s, mid stage at 62

I have ADHD and failed 6 tests before I passed on my 7th time! I also took several theory tests, a mixture of failing some and needing to retake as they are only valid a couple of years. It was frustrating but it was worth the agony of learning in the end and I am a good driver when I’m not in a test situation!

I have another friend with ADHD who was struggling with learning to drive, she failed more tests than me and then switched to learning in an automatic and passed first time she took a test in the automatic car. If you’re struggling with multi-tasking then definitely look to see if you can switch to learning in an automatic as that may make it easier as you won’t have to think about gears.

Next time he calls you lazy, point out that you have taken 4 tests, you are trying but the ADHD makes it harder for you and him stressing you out doesn't help. And as he picks you up from work so he doesn't have to look after the kids.....who does that make lazy??? He's taking you home for his benefit and not the families.

And your FIL is just insensitive.

That’s sounds a really helpful way to progress

Can't believe how many posters are jumping to fixing your dh's problem of you not driving rather than pointing out what a horrible dickhead he seems to be

Surely he realises that bullying you is making you more nervous and less inclined to try? Surely he recognises you have really tried hard and spent a lot of money on this?

His behaviour is absolutely unacceptable.

If he is still behaving like this about other things after you pass (and you will pass just keep trying) you will have your answer.

Definitely go with an automatic. I have never driven a manual, just didn't want to, didn't want to drive at all but recognised I had to, so I learned in an auto. Aside from automatic cars being a little more expensive than manuals to buy, it has never been an issue of any kind.

And you should definitely learn to drive, because if and when you leave him it will be easier to take your stuff, and drive you and your kids to your new home.

Forget learning on a manual - way too much to process in terms of learning to control the car and responding to your environment. That is why your struggling at roundabouts etc. You are overloaded with information that is coming at you very fast.

Get yourself lessons on an automatic. It will free up a lot of your headspace so you can think about negotiating your environment rather than operating the car if that makes sense. Lots of people will give you a load of blather about how its better to learn on a stick car. Close your ears up, and ignore them. You just need to get around safely, not learn the inner workings of an old petrol car. Doesn't make you a better driver because you are constantly fussing with gears. We have an EV, no gears, super easy to drive. It's the future.

Honestly, you are probably a brilliant driver once you take the gears away. I failed my test twice in my twenties and lost all confidence. I started again in my late 30s on an automatic just because DH was driving one at the time, and I passed first time. I love driving now and am generally the main driver. At one time I could never have imagined that.

Driving aside, your DH sounds awful. He should be supporting you not putting you down.

Same. I watched my mother going for lousy dudes whose only skill was ability to drive (she didn’t) and she was so dependent on them for that. I swore I’d never be in that position. Took 5 attempts but I passed. Do I love driving - no. But I have to do it day to day so…

There are two issues here:

1. dickhead DH. There’s a solution to that …
2. not being able to drive in a rural area - and various posters have suggest ways to pass the test. OP can either continue with trying to pass the test, move away from DH/rural area or just continue to have him do all the driving.

i suspect one issue is aggravating the other

He Sounds somewhat verbally abusive. Lazy arse? But he’d rather drive you than look after his children? What a catch he is .

I passed my test in our automatic transit van. I never had a driving lesson. There were no roads on the island where I lived and I was given an unexpected cancellation with one days notice, so we drove the 200 miles to the test centre. I did the first bit, stopped when we reached shops. Bought a Highway Code which I read the rest of the journey while H drove. Next morning 10 am, I started the test. Passed . Amazed.
14 years later I took another test for a manual.

Definitely go for the automatic. It’s one foot , no clutch, no gear change so a lot less to coordinate . No hill start concerns. It won’t roll backwards on a hill in Park or Drive.
Just remember to put it in Park when you finish.

I failed 9. Mostly down to panic attacks. I could go months without stalling that fucking car but as soon as an examiner got in, the shit show commenced.

I passed in an auto in the end although I could drive a manual perfectly well, my instructor even commented on how easily I could switch between them. But add in a little anxiety and pressure and I just didn't have the mental bandwidth. And honestly I'd never go back anyway.

I always intended to go back and take a manual test but never bothered and now I just don't see the point. Autos are more fun to drive and I've never felt limited by it.

You've got to do it, its just not practical with your location and your partner is resenting always being the driver. He's being a complete and utter arse about how he expresses it and needs to get a slap grip but I can see why he is getting frustrated.

If we're being totally honest, it would piss me off too. I couldn't be with someone who refused to drive, I'd feel like he was another kid for me to taxi about and it would be hard to feel attracted to someone in that dynamic.

It's an imbalance in your relationship giving him the control and putting you in the position of a dependent.

Probably because the more independence a woman has the better if her dickhead DH turns into a wifebeating DH.

I suspect he doesn’t really want OP to learn to drive because

• it’s the stick he beats her with to make her feel worthless and useless
• he knows his negativity is driving her to not want to learn because it is the only way she can rebel against his oppressiveness
• if she could drive then he can’t control when the car goes out, where it goes, what time she comes home or leave home.
• she is more dependent on him and so less likely to dump his arse
• he has her right where he wants her- isolated in a rural area

Any independence OP can grab for herself by learning to drive is in her best interest because it will give her more autonomy and him less control. Plus if it all goes to hell in a hand basket, you can more easily leave with your kids and stuff if you drive away than on a bus.

Yep there are two issues here. Your husband sounds foul. His attitude needs an adjustment and a swift kick up the backside. Secondly...switch to learning and passing in an automatic. They are a doddle to drive and I think driving would give you a lot of independence and confidence and freedom. Focus on doing it as something for you and for the betterment of your life and reward yourself with a nice small car.

That will improve with experience. You need to practise as much as you possibly can. Try to drive every day if you can. The more you drive, the more your brain will adapt and your reactions will be faster.

When I was learning to drive, I remember thinking that I would never be able to turn right out of a junction onto a busy main road! I found it so difficult, not only to judge when there was a big enough gap in the traffic for me to pull out into but also making the decision to move and then pulling out, all within a split second. I was too slow. By the time I'd decided to pull out, the gap had closed. Other drivers behind me used to get frustrated and impatient and start to overtake me on the junction, using up the best gaps so that I couldn't pull out. Eventually, I just got out of the car and ordered my husband to take over!

The next day, he took me back to the same junction at a quieter time when there was less traffic and I managed to turn right. Gradually my confidence built up - but I'll be honest with you, it wasn't until several months after I'd passed my test that I fully conquered that bloody junction! 😂

So, I would say don't give up on driving. Keep at it and practise, practise, practise.

I prefer old manual cars. It’s much more fun, especially in a sports car, but modern cars with assisted cruise control etc stay in lane , corner, brake so you don’t hit the car in front practically drive themselves. Takes all the joy out of driving Still , it’s a necessity in rural areas. Buses can be unreliable and carrying stuff/ shopping home or travelling with children is much easier in a car. As is leaving a nasty H

Not sure what particular scenario you are imagining where there is an emergency where the Op now fully qualified with her automatic license and automatic car needs to suddenly hop into a manual car and drive it away to save the day. For a true emergency, I'd be calling emergency services. Otherwise, if I urgently needed to get somewhere, I'd be using my own car. Op has coped fine all these years without driving, so I'm sure she won't be hindered by an automatic license.