DH resents how I don’t drive

[FlyingHighintheSkyy]

It causes massive problems between us. He says how much he hates driving and being the only driver. We live in a semi rural area and he always makes comments like not being able to drive is pathetic and I was pathetic for not learning when I was young (I didn’t need to as I lived in a big city)

Big pressure from DH and MIL to move closer to DHs job so we ended up in a semi rural area area.

I’ve taken 4 driving tests in total, spent thousands of my own savings, done god knows how many theory tests and have cried my eyes out and broken down during many driving lessons.

I even bought a car and the exhaust fell off - DH and Mil promised to take it to a garage for me, refused to let me sort it, months passed and the car ended up with a clamp as it was parked on our street!

DH still moans about “ferrying me around” when we are actually taking the kids out, it’s not like he’s giving me a lift to a spa!

He constantly says he’s driving my “lazy arse” around but I’m very happy to get busses, he just wants me home quicker from work and insists on picking me up.

Sorry, long post, for additional info I have ADHD which might explain why I struggled so much with driving. DH feels cheated as I promised I would learn to drive. Seeking advice please.

You’re not alone. I can’t drive either. Failed three times and this was in an automatic so I feel a total wally. I last tried ten years ago but am trying again now and have a test booked soon. I think some people just find it very hard. For me it’s the having to do and think about so many things at once. My dh has never punished me like yours is. It’s not on

You can’t live rurally without a car. DH learned to drive before we bought a house in the suburbs. He was already in his 30s.

I will resent a partner who can’t drive and expects to be driven everywhere. It is pathetic.

Regardless of you being able to drive or not your DH sounds like a vile bully.

Im already at LTB.

Another vote for automatic licence.
pass your test and drive your “lazy arse” (as he likes to say) far, far away from that shite & his parents !

Your DH sounds like a bully and an abusive dick. LTB

I had to learn in an automatic car and with a kind instructor. I never understand why people fuss with geared cars.

Okay so, I drive, dp does not. If him and the kids want to go somewhere I need to drop them off, I have taken him all sorts of places, work, days out etc etc. All of the holiday driving is obviously on me, last trip was to Cornwall and we ended up in a traffic jam which was 9.5 hours straight driving in the end. I have never, ever called him pathetic or any other name because he can't drive. It doesn't matter how tired I am or that sometimes yes, I wish he could drive, I have never made him feel bad or less of a person for not doing so. It's been 14 years so not a short time either.

Your husband is a c**t and I would seriously be considering my marriage to him if I was spoken to the way he speaks to you.

He sounds like an absolute arsehole.

I have ADHD and drive but I find it stressful. Most of the time it's the thought of driving rather than the drive that is stressful but it does cause me a lot of anxiety, I'd love to be one of those people who can just hop in the car and it feels as natural as walking but don't think I ever will be.

When we fight about it I always tell DH that it was so much easier for him as he was young with no responsibilities.

Stop explaining yourself to him.
He shouldn't be speaking to you the way he does. Have you ever told him to stop speaking to you like that or are you afraid of him?

Automatic and your own car. Honestly don’t faff with gears. I drive a small automatic and it’s like a dogem absolute doddle.

Some people just aren't cut out for driving, and that's ok. I do think there should be a limit on the amount of tests people are allowed to take, for the safety of other drivers on the road.

That aside, you seem happy enough with public transport, so really the main issue here is your asshole of a husband. He's mean. Him and his mother were the reason you now live semi-rural, you tried driving and it didn't work out, so he needs to shut the fuck up about it now.

Personally, he sounds like such a twat, that I'd just leave him, take the kids and move back to the city/town. Fuck him and his mean comments.

There is a increased likelihood of comorbid ADHD and dyspraxia, this made driving very challenging for me and despite (eventually) passing my test I am not a confident driver. A good partner should understand and support that there are some tasks you are not suited to due to neurodivergence, especially with a task as potentially risky as driving, and not chastise you for difficulties you can do little about. Unless he is unfairly carrying lots of other household or parenting tasks, he is unreasonable.

Take automatic lessons. Much less multitasking.

He sounds like a dick.

I don’t drive either. Not everyone is cut out to drive. Maybe if more people had that self awareness we wouldn’t have as many accidents.

Your husband sounds quite charming ...NOT.

Would you consider riding a moped? You can then drive a three wheeler once you have your moped license.
Once you're confident in a three wheeler I think you'd probably get your full license quite quickly. Driving really is about lots and lots of practice.

Automatic 100%. I passed my test and didn't drive for 10 years as I was terrified! Bought an automatic and have been driving 3 years now and loving it! So easy I can't believe I wasted 10 years of my licence

And do not take your husband out when you do pass and dont take any lessons from him - he sounds like a dick and will put you off driving criticising you

Well he's a dick. And you need to drive. Separate issues.

I am 14 years into this with my dh who won’t learn to drive. It is absolutely miserable being the only driver especially if you live somewhere quite rural. (I used to live in London and moved to Norfolk where I met dh - weirdly enough he’s the one who can’t drive, I learnt to drive when I moved). I can’t explain the resentment it causes over time - all the dcs stuff falls to me, holidays etc, days out, nothing is ever shared. I just wish he would try. He’s done a few lessons here and there and never stuck at it. It took me 60 hours of lessons and an intensive course to pass my test on my 5th go. Been driving 15 years now and I truly think most people can learn if they really want to.

Your DH is an arse. You could try driving in an automatic, but that isn't the real issue - it's that there's something you're working really hard on and struggling with, and he's decided to berate you for it and act as though you're lazy or stupid rather than be supportive.

I don't drive - hate it, super anxious, struggle with the multitasking. Failed a test 15 years ago and never tried again. I'm resolving this year to push through and try to have enough lessons that I can practice loads so at least some of the tasks become automatic and it's less of a strain on my working memory/bandwidth - so solidarity on that front too. It is bloody hard for some of us!

I was like this with parallel or bay parking where I could follow what they were telling me, “turn steering wheel a full turn to the left” and so on but couldn’t park independently to save my life. I went out in a relative’s car to Tesco and just practiced over and over, trying different ways to get in the space, without them getting involved at all, then it suddenly clicked. The way it had been explained never would’ve worked for me because there were too many parts to it.

I think the thing that helped me the most was finding a patient instructor (after a couple of failed tests) and telling them to treat me as though I didn’t have any driving experience, so I could focus on the basics again. I think the previous ones tried to move me on too fast. As soon as I had gear changes ‘sorted’ in their eyes they started introducing other things, but it hadn’t become muscle memory, so as soon as I had to think about the new thing, I forgot how to change gear. Once I got to the stage of being able to do the clutch and change gear and know where the windscreen wipers and indicators where without looking then I freed up a bit of brain space to deal with more technical bits and hazards, etc. The more patient instructor let me tell him when I felt I actually understood/internalised something.

I’m aware I’ve gone on a bit of a ramble but hopefully that helps a bit.

I feel for your DH as this would stress me out too especially when driving distance for holidays etc. But is he helping you learn? Taking you out for extra lessons, suggesting an automatic car, etc? Trying your test in an automatic may help massively! My DH failed 4 times and passed 5th attempt and I’ve got two friends who took 5 and 7 tests respectively, 4 attempts isn’t wildly unusual.

Your husband should not be speaking to you like that.
If he were prepared to be helpful, could you get an automatic and save on the cost of lessons by having him help you practise? Though it's not clear how helpful he could be.
Could you go to the test centre and practise driving potential routes from it so that the roads around it are really familiar? (easier in your own car).
But you may still be better off somewhere with better public transport.

No they don't. And why would they be more dangerous than those scraping through with very little experience on the first test who are often massively over-confident?

@FlyingHighintheSkyy don't try driving until you actually want to learn. I passed at 42 but wasn't bothered before then. Not everyone is meant to be a driver despite every other person doing it nowadays. My street of over 60 houses only ever had about 6 cars and 2 caravans in the 70's. Now it has cars parked all the way up and on the pavement as well to fit them all in.

Public transport is good and half hourly buses are not too bad. Stand your ground and tell them all where to go. Catch your buses and refuse his lifts :)

Sod the driving, get rid of toxic husband and his harpy of a mother!!!

Are you neuro diverse? I have ADHD (diagnosed after passing) and struggled for years only realising after I passed why. Just felt like I was being stupid. I eventually passed via an intensive week course. Which whiile really hard, skated into my ADHD hyper focus and I passed first time!. It's expensive but worth it for me. It opened up the world for me.