DH resents how I don’t drive

[FlyingHighintheSkyy]

It causes massive problems between us. He says how much he hates driving and being the only driver. We live in a semi rural area and he always makes comments like not being able to drive is pathetic and I was pathetic for not learning when I was young (I didn’t need to as I lived in a big city)

Big pressure from DH and MIL to move closer to DHs job so we ended up in a semi rural area area.

I’ve taken 4 driving tests in total, spent thousands of my own savings, done god knows how many theory tests and have cried my eyes out and broken down during many driving lessons.

I even bought a car and the exhaust fell off - DH and Mil promised to take it to a garage for me, refused to let me sort it, months passed and the car ended up with a clamp as it was parked on our street!

DH still moans about “ferrying me around” when we are actually taking the kids out, it’s not like he’s giving me a lift to a spa!

He constantly says he’s driving my “lazy arse” around but I’m very happy to get busses, he just wants me home quicker from work and insists on picking me up.

Sorry, long post, for additional info I have ADHD which might explain why I struggled so much with driving. DH feels cheated as I promised I would learn to drive. Seeking advice please.

Yep.

He sounds like an utter arse. And why are you paying for it all? It wasn't you that wanted to move to the back of beyond. I'd leave your twat of a husband and move back to a city.

Do you want to stay with the man who treats you this way?

Op, I am in your DH’s shoes (in that I am the only driver in our household and do resent my partner for it slightly!). So I get how he feels. However, I would never call my DH (the non-driver in the family) a lazy ass for it! My DH has not tried to learn like you have (despite fewer obstacles) and yet I still would not dream of treating him like your DH has treated you for it. I think it would be good to persevere and I understand your DH’s frustration but he really needs to take on board that how he is acting about it isn’t fair or supportive and isn’t going to help you pass. Good on your for trying so hard to learn.

The biggest issue I can see is if he were to lose his licence then you living in a semi rural area would find things very difficult.

No, they don’t. I’ve got ADHD. I passed my test on the fifth go, but I’ve now been driving for decades and I am very confident and experienced. I just struggled with getting my head round it at first, and cannot do what I’m told without understanding it first.

The thing I can’t do is drive a LH drive car, which means usually not hiring a car on holiday. It’s ridiculous: there is no reason why I shouldn’t be able to do it, but I just can’t bring myself to try.

OP, I second those who suggest an automatic. But your husband shouldn’t be speaking to you like that. Stick to the buses if you prefer.

Thank you! People are talking about driving and completely skipping over the fact that this man shouts at her and calls her names! What on earth?!

I'd find living rurally where I do with a non driver really annoying. But I if you have a reliable 30 min bus option then you cant be that rural! I'd have to walk a mile, and then get one of maybe 3 buses a day into our nearest town that is 7 miles away.
However- the driving is irrelevant to the way he is treating you, being annoyed is acceptable, name calling, insulting and disparaging you is a hard no.

I think every adult should at least try to learn to drive. However, the biggest issue here is the way your husband speaks to you. He also ignores your wishes to use public transport. Tell him to fuck right off!

Then”it was so much easier for you” is an excuse. You know it. You could have learnt to drive at younger age too. Before the kids.

right now you’re still using those excuses to yourself. Kids in back. Pregnant, ADHD etc. none of those will help. I’m bloody surprised ANY driving instructor would take you out with your kids in back frankly.

that was then. This is now. You live rurally. You are placing a burden on your dh, even if you think it’s minor, it not in his view. You can do something about it.

First, you need to get your dh to committ to putting in hours with you, without kids in car, to practice. At your age it takes hours of,practice and experience. Not lessons. You have to get to a point when you don’t need to think about it, it becomes instinctive. Get your theory done, then a few lessons to refresh, then practice for hours with dh. In car parks, in quiet local roads you know well to get to grips with being confident about menouvering, steering etc. we were lucky when my kids were learning that we had a big driveway, I’d spend hours with them saying, “now put the boot up to garage door”, “now put bonnet to front door” all very slow speed and lots,of steering and clutch work.

as you progress onto business traffic and faster roads, get a lesson or two, then more practice.

its a problem for you with adhd, but plenty of people with adhd manage just fine. No one bloody mamanger to learn to drive with their small kids in back. That’s just fecking nonsense. You need to concentrate. Go out for shorter time periods if that’s tricky for you. Just go out every day if possible.

instrad of finding more excuses, use the “I can” ….my mum learnt to drive in mid 50s, 5 tests, wasn’t a brilliant driver ever, but she found it liberating. Think of the possibilities and advantages. Think of messag either will give your kids to achieve this. Think of opportunities it will open. Be positive. Be proactive. Hold your dh to account to support you to the max to get it done.

Are they?

I think everyone has acknowledged that DH is a dick but some have also been honest that being the only driver in a household is really frustrating.

As a general rule I have sympathy with anyone who is the only driver in the household - it's horrid being a taxi service for everyone, never having the option to have a day off, or to share the driving on long journeys.

However:

1 It's not like you aren't trying to pass your test, you are.

2 You sound pretty independent and are happy to use public transport.

3 It was his decision to move to the arse end of nowhere, knowing he was the only one who could drive.

4 It doesn't give him the right to mock you or make unpelasant comments.

So YANBU. He sounds like a bit of an arse tbh.

Selfish and self centred of him.

I didn't learn to drive until I was 34 (had 5 children in 10 years and just didn't have the time!) and then I did it in an automatic. I had a really patient lady driving instructor and she was brilliant. I do think finding the right instructor makes a massive difference. With the theory test, practice, practice, practice much more than you think necessary until your hazard awareness is automatic. Don't put in for your test until your instructor says you're ready. Take as much time as you need to really learn.

Honestly, I always thought I didn't really care about being able to drive but the freedom it gives you is empowering. Just knowing you can get in your car and drive away whenever you want makes you feel truly autonomous. Don't do it for him - do it for you! As your children get older, it will be invaluable.

I don’t think everyone has acknowledged her DH is being a dick, no. And I don’t think his frustration with her taking the bus (which she’s perfectly happy to do) makes it alright for him to call her a ‘lazy arse’.

Particularly as said frustration apparently arises from him having to look after his own children for half an hour.

I'm rubbish at driving too, and never passed my test. It's horrible because people make out like it's really easy and people who can't do it are stupid, which only adds more pressure. Driving isn't for everyone and not everyone will pass even if they want to and try really hard.

However I have a DH who knows I would find living rurally hell. I could never do it. I couldn't even live in the suburbs. He would never ask me to do that. So I think you should say he either drives you and doesn't complain, or you move.

I would be so sad in your situation. Everything I could ever need is within walking distance, and we don't live in an expensive city. Kids are also much happier here with endless things to do and within easy reach. Lots more opportunities and more time together as well.

The ‘D’H stuff aside, as I think lots of PPs have covered this, do you actually want to be able to drive?

If yes, I have a few suggestions of things that helped me, also ADHD (although only diagnosed with dyspraxia at the time I passed my test on the fourth try).

For the bits I was struggling with I made sure I understood the ‘why’, not just what I was meant to be doing. For example, the blind spot check when parking didn’t make sense as in my mind I couldn’t understand where the blind spot would be, so my brain just didn’t accept it was a thing. Getting someone to stand in the blind spot whilst looking in my wing mirrors helped my brain accept it was there and I then knew where it was.

Roundabouts were a sticking point for me as well. I practiced them over and over until I understood them. I also tried several instructors until I found one who could explain things in a way I understood. Like the progressive roundabouts, for example, I had an instructor who would just tell me when to move across but not why I needed to at that point.

Extra stress and expectations (typical ADHD people pleaser) make my executive functioning worse. When I finally passed I hadn’t even told anybody that I was taking my test because I didn’t need the pressure of having to tell people I’d failed again hanging over me. This really worked for me as it felt like much lower stakes, basically just another driving lesson with a different person.

I must have missed some, all the posts I’ve read acknowledge that he’s behaving terribly.

The DH sounds like a knob.

Why have you spent all your savings on lessons when you DH is perfectly capable of taking you out?

I have the issue where I'm fine when being told what to do, but the second I'm supposed to remember and know to do 15 things at the same time on my own, and those things are changing from second to second, and very unpredictable, I find it impossible. So driving instructors tell me I can take my test because I can follow their instructions but they don't understand I'm lost on my own.

If you had that issue too and overcame it I'd love to hear more. I've tried telling driving instructors to not say anything to me during lessons or simulate a proper mock but they can't seem to be able to do it.

Because her DH is a twat and so wouldn’t be a good driving instructor.

Stick with it. I was a terribly nervous learner and found it very stressful, but once I passed it gave me confidence and I'm now driving for 20 years! I love the freedom it gives me and bus routes and services are constantly being cut back these days so I would not want to be depending on them.

Yeah, close family members is never a good idea, keep it neutral and professional

Do try automatic. I emphasise big time.
I'm autistic. Didn't learn to drive until I was in my mid 30's.
Took me over a year and about 5 tests.also changed instructor twice.

Was worth it. But I hated not being able to drive and learning (until.I got an instructor who suited my need to repeat/repeat/repeat everything!

Good luck. And try automatic.

All the posts you’ve read? I can individually tag you in several that don’t, if you’d like? It will take a while, as there’s lots of them. The first (consecutive) five responses make no mention whatsoever of his conduct being unacceptable, and mentions subsequently are intermittent at best.