Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP is being used by so called "friend"

338 replies

Queenjuliana · 30/12/2024 10:00

Apologies for the long post, it takes a bit of explaining....DP has a friend who lives in Germany with his partner. DP and friend have known each other since childhood, went to school together etc. They are only in contact via social media, mainly to talk about football and reminisce about the old days. From what I can gather, the friend leads an "alternative" lifestyle. They don't have proper jobs, they smoke dope, and are self described "anarchists" ( whatever that is!) The friend's wife has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. The friend has asked my partner to set up a Go Fund me page to raise money for her. The target is £9000. Apparently he does not want to do this himself because the money cannot be traceable to him. After lots of questioning to a very defensive DP, this is what I've managed to surmise..She is getting free health care treatment in Germany for her cancer. But due to the cancer she cannot work (cleaning job I believe) So they want the funds for living expenses. Germany of course have a sickness benefit which can be claimed but I'm assuming they haven't paid anything into the scheme as they are not eligible. So why am I resentful of this kind act my DP is doing? This friend has history of coming to DP when he needs money. DP is a soft touch, very kindhearted and an easy target. He talked him into "investing" £500 in the past to some hare brained music company he was supposedly setting up. Obviously the money was never seen again. Also, why can't the friend support his own wife? I personally can't see why he expects other people to donate to their living expenses because he hasn't bothered to get a decent job, and because they haven't paid into the health insurance scheme over there. The collection is going well and they have got to £7000. On top of this, because the money has to be untraceable, the friend has to have it in cash so DP has agreed to fly to Germany with it!! I know it's not my business but it all sounds so dodgy and underhand. I have every sympathy for her cancer diagnosis but she is getting well cared for and her prognosis is good as caught early. I'm pretty sure the friend would not be doing the same for DP if the roles were reversed. AIBU to think DP is being taken for a mug and this whole thing sounds like a scam?

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenjuliana · 02/01/2025 19:03

Semiramide · 02/01/2025 18:34

I don't know if you took note of my earlier post, @Queenjuliana - but let me reiterate:

In order to convert the £7000 or whatever to Euros, your partner will have to provide picture identity (passportor DL) and proof of where the funds came from, in the form of bank statements.

If he takes the cash to Germany in £££, his 'friend' will have to do the same there.

Unless either of them is a money laundering oligarch, the cash will have to be accounted for.

He tells me that the GFM donations will transfer into his bank account. Then he will order some Euros thru John Lewis (best exchange rate) and the collect the Euros at our local Waitrose. Fly to Germany without exceeding the legal limit for cash. Hand to friend. All above board and legal, according to him.

OP posts:
PullTheBricksDown · 02/01/2025 19:10

Posting in the hope that there's eventually an update about how all this went on your DP's arrival in Germany. 😬

justasking111 · 02/01/2025 19:19

I used Tesco for some Euros gift for son and family to spend on holiday. I was asked some questions. I assume he'll be asked questions online too.

Bluebellsparklypant · 02/01/2025 19:29

Hope all goes ok for him. Worth having a transparent trail in case anything comes back to your husband, keep all receipts

GreyAreas · 02/01/2025 19:32

I suggest he checks with his bank and John Lewis that this is all ok. Tells them that he will be receiving funds from a go fund me that an acquaintance asked him to set up and intends to exchange and carry in cash to Germany. If he doesn't want to, why not? This will of course flag with both for money laundering.

MildredSauce · 02/01/2025 19:40

GreyAreas · 02/01/2025 19:32

I suggest he checks with his bank and John Lewis that this is all ok. Tells them that he will be receiving funds from a go fund me that an acquaintance asked him to set up and intends to exchange and carry in cash to Germany. If he doesn't want to, why not? This will of course flag with both for money laundering.

exactly this. is his plan clear and transparent on his campaign page @Queenjuliana ?

YourGladSquid · 02/01/2025 19:41

I’m surprised he doesn’t see the intention
is obviously dodgy. He’s blinded by the friendship.

NoBinturongsHereMate · 02/01/2025 20:13

If he takes the cash to Germany in £££, his 'friend' will have to do the same there.

Only if the friend pays it into a bank in one go or in large lumps. He can easily deal with it without flagging money laundering systems - spending cash directly and feeding it slowly into various accounts as 'earnings' over several months.

The John Lewis plan, on the other hand, will automatically trigger laundering alarms. You have to show ID even for changing a few hundred; for thousands they'll do thorough checks.

DoggingDave · 02/01/2025 20:58

Queenjuliana · 30/12/2024 10:00

Apologies for the long post, it takes a bit of explaining....DP has a friend who lives in Germany with his partner. DP and friend have known each other since childhood, went to school together etc. They are only in contact via social media, mainly to talk about football and reminisce about the old days. From what I can gather, the friend leads an "alternative" lifestyle. They don't have proper jobs, they smoke dope, and are self described "anarchists" ( whatever that is!) The friend's wife has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. The friend has asked my partner to set up a Go Fund me page to raise money for her. The target is £9000. Apparently he does not want to do this himself because the money cannot be traceable to him. After lots of questioning to a very defensive DP, this is what I've managed to surmise..She is getting free health care treatment in Germany for her cancer. But due to the cancer she cannot work (cleaning job I believe) So they want the funds for living expenses. Germany of course have a sickness benefit which can be claimed but I'm assuming they haven't paid anything into the scheme as they are not eligible. So why am I resentful of this kind act my DP is doing? This friend has history of coming to DP when he needs money. DP is a soft touch, very kindhearted and an easy target. He talked him into "investing" £500 in the past to some hare brained music company he was supposedly setting up. Obviously the money was never seen again. Also, why can't the friend support his own wife? I personally can't see why he expects other people to donate to their living expenses because he hasn't bothered to get a decent job, and because they haven't paid into the health insurance scheme over there. The collection is going well and they have got to £7000. On top of this, because the money has to be untraceable, the friend has to have it in cash so DP has agreed to fly to Germany with it!! I know it's not my business but it all sounds so dodgy and underhand. I have every sympathy for her cancer diagnosis but she is getting well cared for and her prognosis is good as caught early. I'm pretty sure the friend would not be doing the same for DP if the roles were reversed. AIBU to think DP is being taken for a mug and this whole thing sounds like a scam?

Sounds dodgy as f**k DP is asking to get himself in trouble by the sounds of it don't let him do it. He'll look like he's taken the money.

WildCats24 · 02/01/2025 21:27

Queenjuliana · 02/01/2025 19:03

He tells me that the GFM donations will transfer into his bank account. Then he will order some Euros thru John Lewis (best exchange rate) and the collect the Euros at our local Waitrose. Fly to Germany without exceeding the legal limit for cash. Hand to friend. All above board and legal, according to him.

Show quote history

True…you can fly with up to €10,000
in cash…your own cash. You cannot fly with up to €10,000 that does not belong to you, to deliver to another party, in order to make the €10,000 untraceable. Why does he not understand this?

Has DP explained how he will be funding his tax bill on the €10,000 of income from GFM next year?

Original poster
Queenjuliana · 02/01/2025 23:22

MildredSauce · 02/01/2025 19:01

Oh blimey. If he does that he moves from being simply well-meaning but stupid to fundamentally fraudulent in his own right. Using funds meant to support a family facing a cancer crisis for his own purposes.

Has he explained on his page that he intends to take the funds raised, convert to cash and take it out to germany personally, using part of the proceeds to finance the trip?

Show quote history

Not on the page but he's told his friend that's what he plans to do. This is the only way they are able to get their hands on the funds, and nobody else wants to do it so he figured as he's organised the GFM and is going to the trouble of taking it over to them, he's entitled to compensate himself for the cost of the flight.

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenjuliana · 02/01/2025 23:27

WildCats24 · 02/01/2025 21:27

True…you can fly with up to €10,000
in cash…your own cash. You cannot fly with up to €10,000 that does not belong to you, to deliver to another party, in order to make the €10,000 untraceable. Why does he not understand this?

Has DP explained how he will be funding his tax bill on the €10,000 of income from GFM next year?

Edited
Show quote history

I've asked him if he's thought about the tax implications. He reckons, as per your comment above, that as the money is not his, he is merely acting as a conduit, he won't be liable to pay tax on it. It's not earned income. I don't know what to think anymore!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenjuliana · 02/01/2025 23:31

ChaToilLeam · 30/12/2024 12:36

I live in Germany, we have a good healthcare system and even if you haven’t been paying our equivalent of National Insurance, you should be able to claim Bürgergeld (basic social security payments). But for this they want your former employment details, and to know why you are currently not working, and they can ask to check bank statements and query any unexplained sums being paid in, for example from undeclared work. Unless they are living completely outside all social security systems, this will be what they’re trying to avoid.

I'm pretty sure this is it in a nutshell

OP posts:
Mirabai · 02/01/2025 23:41

Queenjuliana · 02/01/2025 23:27

I've asked him if he's thought about the tax implications. He reckons, as per your comment above, that as the money is not his, he is merely acting as a conduit, he won't be liable to pay tax on it. It's not earned income. I don't know what to think anymore!!!

Show quote history

There is a query about just such this scenario on the HMRC website.

To think DP is being used by so called "friend"
Original poster
Queenjuliana · 02/01/2025 23:41

BobbyBiscuits · 01/01/2025 02:12

@Queenjuliana hmmm...surely even if it's shifty he could just do it via western union or moneygram or something. Why the need to have someone physically bring it over? Especially If he's claiming it's legal.
If he just wants to see him for a holiday then say that. It just makes me feel pretty uneasy!

He definitely doesn't want to go for a holiday. Germany is even colder than the UK this time of the year. He's booked the flights now and is coming back the next day...

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 02/01/2025 23:41

You might want to let him know you won't be posting his bail, he's on his own.

What a "dope".

YourGladSquid · 02/01/2025 23:42

He reckons, as per your comment above, that as the money is not his, he is merely acting as a conduit

Surely he knows this makes no sense? He’s the one raising the funds and transporting them. If anything were to happen, “it wasn’t mine, your honour!” isn’t a defence.

Original poster
Queenjuliana · 02/01/2025 23:45

LiftyLift · 01/01/2025 22:21

If the wife is listed as the recipient, it’s likely that GFM will not allow your DP to transfer the funds to himself. This is a safeguarding measure to make sure funds go to the right place and to prevent fraud.

That's an interesting point. I believe he's already given his bank details as a receiving account for the donations

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenjuliana · 02/01/2025 23:48

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 01/01/2025 23:34

It sounds like your DP wants to impress these people, he's putting his needs way below theirs in a way that makes him look a bit desperate for approval. If they really needed this help in a genuine way it would be different but they could easily have set up their own GFM or flown over for the cash, they just can't be bothered and are using him. I'd feel like he had some inadequacy issues to be being such a doormat.

Absolutely I think he's being used - as per the title of the post...

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenjuliana · 02/01/2025 23:50

WendyA22 · 02/01/2025 06:50

Or even worse, it could be some sort of terrorist thing to do with their anarchist beliefs.

Do you think your DP is a member of the group too?

Show quote history

Good lord no. He thinks it's weird as hell. And I don't think anarchists are necessarily terrorists?!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenjuliana · 02/01/2025 23:57

Savoury · 02/01/2025 08:05

What area of work does your DP do? Is it a regulated industry or one aligned to a profession (e.g. banking, law, accountancy)?
This is literally a use case in certain fraud training: acting as a man-in-the-middle for no real reason.
At best, it’s “only” benefits fraud. I would be furious and unable to look beyond it. What line would he cross next?

He's a retired electrician so nothing like that

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenjuliana · 03/01/2025 00:03

PierceMorgansChin · 02/01/2025 08:25

I wouldn't be with a man who is thick enough and spineless enough to get involved in an obvious scam. I'd be scared he will give away our life savings to a Nigerian Prince or something

Bit harsh. He's not thick, just naive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenjuliana · 03/01/2025 00:11

I know, you think that would compute, but he cant get it thru his skull. I think he doesn't want to question his friend as it would seem like he didn't believe him, or trust him. He finds it hard to say no to people generally, which is probably why the friend asked him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenjuliana · 03/01/2025 00:17

Igneococcus · 02/01/2025 08:45

Germany of course have a sickness benefit which can be claimed but I'm assuming they haven't paid anything into the scheme as they are not eligible

Pretty much all of the German benefits are dependent on having contributed to the system beforehand. There are benefits that can be applied for if you haven't paid into the various schemes but they will be much lower and your financial situation will be taken into account to calculate these. If the wife does cleaning work there is a good chance she is doing it cash in hand or she is staying below the threshold required for starting to pay contributions (that used to be 400 Deutschmarks per month, not sure where it is now) and is now not covered by any of the standard benefits.
They (the friend and wife) should have a chat with someone who could help them access the benefits that they are entitled to, the Arbeiterwohlfahrt for example, has advisors that are very non-judgemental.

Thanks that's a helpful post but I don't know these people, I've never met them and so am not really in a position to pass that info on. I imagine they probably already know about the eligibility but due to their beliefs they choose to opt out of paying in to anything. Bit crap, really

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenjuliana · 03/01/2025 00:22

PierceMorgansChin · 02/01/2025 08:50

The crux of it. He's not half dim

Show quote history

You seem a bit obsessed by him being dim. He isn't. The title of the post was asking if I was being unreasonable to think he was being used. It's not only dim people who get used. It happens all the time.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread