To leave him after 10 years of this

[ChouChou2024]

We met in our mid-twenties, and now we’re in our mid-thirties. After 10 years together, there’s still no commitment. Every time I’ve brought up marriage, he’s moved the goalposts, making promises but never following through. We don’t own a house together, but we do live together.

The last few times we discussed this, I ended up in tears. I feel so worthless knowing that after all this time, he still doesn’t want to commit to me. We don’t have children, and he says he’s not ready for them yet.

I’ve had enough, but every time I try to leave, he talks me into staying. He promises to buy me a ring “soon” and tells me how great we are together. To make things more frustrating, we’ve both achieved the careers we wanted and are financially comfortable. In theory, we could save for a wedding within a year, but instead, he spends his money on hobbies and has no savings.

I know I’m wasting my best years on someone who doesn’t truly want to commit, but I’m scared of breaking up because there are so many good moments, too. Am I being unreasonable to leave for good?

Leave.

I think you should go to a clinic for donor sperm

I voted you are being unreasonable for staying with him. If you want marriage and children, you need to find someone who wants that too, now.

Leave, nothing will change.

Leave him - if he can’t decide you are the one in ten years, he never will. Stop believing the fantasy and call it a day.

OP
You are still young. Don’t waste any more time on someone who doesn’t value you

The usual pattern to this story is you will dump him and within 18 months he will be married with a baby on the way.
Hopefully so will you but not with/to him.

Leave, take back control of your life. You will find someone who really values you.

Leave
Don't allow him to take up any more of your precious time - you are worth so much more

Do you want children? Because unfortunately I think it is likely that you may have missed your chance. However, if you leave him now there is a possibility you could meet someone and get pregnant within the next few years. I don’t think he will ever marry you unfortunately. I’m sorry 😔

This, OP. You need to leave.

I've voted that YABU - but for hanging around for all this time.

Time to cut your losses with this guy, he's stringing you on. Besides, do you really want to marry someone who has no savings and therefore crap with money?

Make this your NY resolution.

Leave.

He doesn't want to marry you and he doesn't want children with you.

i have seen this shit too many times.

A man keeps saying soon soon soon until his partner is in her 40s and it's too late then the bastard fucks off with a younger woman and gets married and has kids!

He'll say whatever will get you to stfu for a bit. That's it.

I think there's certain people you can "wait" for if they're genuinely not ready IF you know 100% they will be one day. My DH was a proper commitment phobe- but I knew in my heart that he would give me all that I wanted in good time. It took him 7 years to propose but within 18 months of that, we were married and had a baby and yeah I'm glad I waited. I am younger than him so time was on my side in regard to conceiving. It doesn't sound as if he will ever ever give you what you want- I'm sorry!

If he REALLY loved you then he would be looking to commit.

You are okay. Convenient. Easy enough to “float along” through life with. Do you want to be with a man who thinks if you in this way? Hell no! You deserve a man who will worship you.

Ditch him. Find better.

You talk about him buying you a ring, about saving for a wedding for a year - I suggest you tell him you don't need those things, that you'd be happy booking the register office and going with two witnesses and say you want to do it within a fortnight. My guess is he'll be horrified because he simply does not want to marry you.

Cut loose and find someone who values YOU.

I think it’s time to leave for good. There will be plenty more good times in your life - they don’t just exist with him.

You keep coming back round to wanting to leave - that’s a huge sign you shouldn’t keep ignoring. We can fool ourselves into staying for a long time but the internal struggle never fully goes away because a very core part of us knows it’s not right and keeps reminding us.

A good relationship should never be this much of a burden to your mental state.

You DESERVE better.
leave. Find someone and get started on the future you want before it’s too late.

Oh come on you are intelligent enough to know he is playing you. He doesn't want a future with you so leave now before it is too late for you to have children. He will be married within the year to someone he sees as fit to marry.

You are worth more than this OP. Please give yourself a chance of happiness by ending it. Be prepared, that he will quickly meet and marry someone else. That's not your loss though. If you don't act now, you will either trundle on for another 10 years, or be dumped.
He sounds rubbish with money - not an attractive quality.
Good luck

You have wasted more than enough time on this man. When I see things like this I am convinced these men are using the woman whose time they are wasting as a “placeholder”.

They keep them around as they prefer not to be single but want to keep things relatively uncommitted so when the woman they genuinely wants comes around then they are free to move on quickly.

It is a gamble. He could just not be ready, I have friends where they similarly were together for years before they finally married and had kids (either the woman waiting patiently).

But other examples where the woman waited and waited and waited for the man to find the woman he wanted, dump my friend and move on to marriage / kids with the next woman rapidly.

I know after 10 years there is a fear of starting again and risking never meeting anybody but there is also the risk of this man running out your biological clock and wasting more of your time.

Absolutely difficult decision and I feel for you.

Perhaps he wants to get married but doesn’t want a big wedding. When you say you could save for a year for a wedding…I would dread a big wedding…perhaps he does too. If you said to him we could have a quiet wedding in a registry office with 6-10 guests..no hen nights, stag nights or big showy wedding, he might say yes. Do you want a wedding or a marriage..you might want both but would you forego one for the other.

Don't raise it with him again, he's not going to marry you. Do yourself a favour and leave.

OP you need a better life than this. You’ve been together 10y, what is he waiting for? Either you’re the one he wants to marry or you’re not and he’s showing you you’re not.

I was in your situation OP - I felt so worthless and ground down and lost all my confidence. Every conversation about marriage ended up with me in tears. Anyone who can watch you in that state isn’t going to marry you and isn’t worth marrying. After almost ten years with him I’m now single (for 1 year) and feel much better. Had a couple of short things since then which didn’t work out, but helped me feel desirable again.
Starting again and currently 34 and single but happy to at least not be in a dead-end relationship. Meanwhile, at 7 years my senior, he is still full of shit and still playing Peter Pan. Please leave and go no contact. You deserve so much more 🌹