To leave him after 10 years of this

[ChouChou2024]

We met in our mid-twenties, and now we’re in our mid-thirties. After 10 years together, there’s still no commitment. Every time I’ve brought up marriage, he’s moved the goalposts, making promises but never following through. We don’t own a house together, but we do live together.

The last few times we discussed this, I ended up in tears. I feel so worthless knowing that after all this time, he still doesn’t want to commit to me. We don’t have children, and he says he’s not ready for them yet.

I’ve had enough, but every time I try to leave, he talks me into staying. He promises to buy me a ring “soon” and tells me how great we are together. To make things more frustrating, we’ve both achieved the careers we wanted and are financially comfortable. In theory, we could save for a wedding within a year, but instead, he spends his money on hobbies and has no savings.

I know I’m wasting my best years on someone who doesn’t truly want to commit, but I’m scared of breaking up because there are so many good moments, too. Am I being unreasonable to leave for good?

Leave.
He has demonstrated already to you that he does not want to commit to you. If after 10 years he has given you not so much as a promise ring then I would strongly advise you to leave now. We women spend years of our lives with men who are not meant for us.
Let’s say you give him an ultimatum and he proposed to you. Would you be happy? I wouldn’t. I don’t feel you should have to convince the person you want to spend the rest of your life with to commit to you. Especially after 10 years together.
You could meet the man of your dreams and be pregnant this time in 3 or 4 years time. My honest opinion is that it is simply not with this man. Cut and run.
My friend was in a similar situation with a man of 6 or so years. She found out he cheated and wished she had left sooner as he was always dragging his heels. If you want commitment and children, you need to find a man who also wants the same. 10 years is a LONG time. He says he’s not ready which suggests to me he never will be. What EXACTLY is he waiting for? There sometimes is never a right time but you go all in and support each other with the right person. He’s not for you OP.

You are wasting your remaining fertile years on this man.

He is not going to change so you might as well quit. No use in throwing good money after bad, as they say - look up the 'sunk cost fallacy'.

THIS!! 👏

If this has been an ongoing issue he’s not going to magically change his mind.

I used to not be bothered with marriage until I changed my mind. Now I’m pretty straightforward about it and if I sense hesitation, I know it’s not worth pushing - I never saw me being married before and no one could change my mind, it’s something that needs to come from within you.

Just leave OP!! Yes there may be good moments, but you want and deserve so much more! And as he clearly doesnt value you, those good moments are a mirage. Value yourself OP!

If marriage and children is what you want, find someone who wants that too. Good times will come with that person too, they are not exclusive to your current partner.

Leave him now. He is completely wasting your time, a fact that he is totally aware of and happy to continue.

He has no reason to change anything. You are looking after him (I assume you sleep with him for comfort and sex.)
You facilitate him and his hobby/hobbies. He has it all.
PP are saying that if you split he will quickly move on to a new younger woman and start to breed. Well . . . .OK. . . but it will be new woman that has to put up with the hobbies. NOT you.
He has had his chance!

If you manage to persuade him to propose and you get a ring then he'll wallop out the old chestnuts

1. Let's not rush the wedding. Let's enjoy being engaged for a bit ( this part has no ending)
2. I want us to be married and have a house before we have children ( there will ways be a big hobby expenditure or a friends destination wedding or he'll start looking at wrecks of houses and start a savings programme for doing it up. Obviously he'll tell you that you can't bring babies into a grotty house).

And on and on.

Yes. You aren’t Mrs. Right, but Miss Right Now. He doesn’t want to marry you. You are handy until someone else comes along.

Beyoncé said it best - If he liked it then he should have put a ring on it!
Leave now or look back in another 10 years and regret it.

Yup

I don't understand why anyone would want to marry someone that doesn't want to marry them.

Leave.
My friend had a similar situation. Stayed until she was 38. He then said he’d decided he didn’t want kids. It took her until she was 43 to recover and ended up with kids using donor sperm as she didn’t meet the right man in time.

Leave. Take control of your own destiny.

He's running down your clock. And will inevitably disappear with the first hint of an illness or hot flush.

Dump and move on.

He doesn't want to marry you. Make sure you don't fall into the trap of having a child, thinking that might make him want to commit to you. It won't. Dump him.

Leave. The ring will always be on the horizon but just out of reach. And the clock will run down on children before he’s made up his mind.

Then when it’s too late for you he’ll decide he’s ready for kids and be married to someone else in a year.

Leave, he's a future faker.
Don't look back, he'll suddenly start making all the right noises, but it's just noise to delay you leaving and carry on with his nonsense.

Leave!!!!!!!

I had one of these.

He cheated and within the year was married with a baby on the way. She was pregnant at the wedding.

Seriously get out don't waste any more of your precious life on this man.

Leave. Before you miss your chance to have children.
His actions for the past 10 years speak louder than his words ever will.
I know its not easy to walk away, but the ChouChou of December 2025 will look back and be so thankful you did.
You have so much life to live, don't waste another second on someone who clearly doesn't want the same things as you.
Wishing you a happy 2025 OP.

This is a really good idea.

Look at dates when you can get married within the month and tell him when the wedding day will be. Just witnesses and a dress, restaurant meal after. It will bring things to a head and you will get your answer.

In all honesty though, it does sound like he doesn't want to marry you and will move on quickly after you dump him. Best to give yourself the best chance of starting a family by finding a like minded person if that's what you want to do.

Exactly this. Leave and do not look back. Don't listen to anything he says, he will say anything he can to get you to stay because he cares about his wants and needs, not yours.

This. Everyone’s worried about her fertility but really I think this is important to mention too.

"I’ve had enough, but every time I try to leave, he talks me into staying."

How? Does he promise commitment? Well you know that's a lie. You ALLOW him to persuade you. It's a choice you make, because you still want him. But he doesn't want what you want. He KNOWS what you want - commitment, marriage, family. He's happy to withhold all of that from you.

Be kind to yourself - leave. Be deaf to anything he says because it's all lies. Leave. Find a man who wants what you want. This one doesn't, but he's happy to waste your precious time.

Seen this happen to three friends.

In three out of three when the split happened the man found someone else quickly and and in one of the cases the man had a whirlwind wedding and a baby on the way within 6 months as they were both late 30s.

The other two men men had much younger new partners and babies (but not marriage) happened a few years down the line.

For the three women - one is still single and childless after many dire online dating experiences, one met a much older man through work who had an ex wife and existing children and they had a child in her late 30s and his early 50s and the other had a brief relationship which resulted in a pregnancy and is now co-parenting.

Men know that they can wait it out. Only you can decide if you are happy with him eventually running you out of time before he fucks off with someone younger when he has decided he is ready.

There's still time for you to be the woman in the first example who meets someone else who's in the same place as you and ready to do the marriage and kids thing quickly.