To leave him after 10 years of this

[ChouChou2024]

We met in our mid-twenties, and now we’re in our mid-thirties. After 10 years together, there’s still no commitment. Every time I’ve brought up marriage, he’s moved the goalposts, making promises but never following through. We don’t own a house together, but we do live together.

The last few times we discussed this, I ended up in tears. I feel so worthless knowing that after all this time, he still doesn’t want to commit to me. We don’t have children, and he says he’s not ready for them yet.

I’ve had enough, but every time I try to leave, he talks me into staying. He promises to buy me a ring “soon” and tells me how great we are together. To make things more frustrating, we’ve both achieved the careers we wanted and are financially comfortable. In theory, we could save for a wedding within a year, but instead, he spends his money on hobbies and has no savings.

I know I’m wasting my best years on someone who doesn’t truly want to commit, but I’m scared of breaking up because there are so many good moments, too. Am I being unreasonable to leave for good?

You've invested 10 years of your life. I know it s difficult to walk away from that but I'd you want marriage and children you have to. You can't continue to do the same thing and expect a different outcome. Don't waste the rest of your 30s and your fertility for his future faking. You could miss the boat entirely.

Sadly I have seen this happen a couple of times.

You need to leave quietly but decisively.

Thank you, everyone. I agree, he just doesn’t want to commit to me. I’ve even said I’d be happy to elope or settle for a simple, inexpensive ring, but nothing has changed.

As for babies, I’m fortunate that I’ll be in a position to freeze my eggs in a couple of months. Still, it breaks my heart that someone who once promised me a family now shows no real interest in having one with me.

Yep. I see this so so so so so so often and it is so frustrating.

I remember years ago an acquaintance was with her then boyfriend and told us she set, in her mind, a time limit on how long she was willing to date him with no marriage (she had also shared with him). She was deadly serious and as the 3 year deadline she set herself approached je proposed.

At the time I thought she was batshit. As a middle aged woman now, I get it.

Neither of you are in the wrong. You’re just not on the same page and you both need to find someone who is.
I’ve known numerous men who have been exactly the same and then when the relationship breaks up they’ve moved on really quickly into marriage and babies and then the woman is left behind. Don’t do this to yourself. ❤️

Leave! It's been 13 years for me, the same conversations over and over. The difference is we do have a house and we do have kids. You can leave easily still.

Faint heart never won fair lady. Leave and maybe he’ll realise what a fool he is. Sadly for us we do have a biological clock and that does motivate us to action. We only have one life so don’t let anyone waste your time.

I have been on Mumsnet since all this was fields, and I have seen this situation both here and in real life so often that I used it as the basis of a novel. You deserve more, OP.

This is the problem with the whole ring and proposal thing- it puts all the power with the man. And he thinks you’re just happy to wait however long he needs. I’d leave him OP. If he really wanted to marry you he would have by now. Don’t waste your last fertile years being strung along by him.

Leave.
When a man says he is not ready for marriage and kids, what he really means it that he is not ready for marriage and kids with YOU. You are a place saver until the woman he does want to marry comes along. Sorry, OP, but I have seen it too many times. Dump him and make yourself open to someone coming into your life who will love you and cherish you.

I had Ivf with my son they harvested 32 eggs, 16 of them were defrosted. Eight of them became blastasiats. Two were implanted, one baby out. Never ever rely on that as a backup plan. The odds are very bad.

He is bread crumbing you and wasting your fertile years!!! It’s a crime

If he wanted to marry you he would have by now. 10 years is too long to be with someone future faking it. Walk away now so you have time to meet someone else.

This exact scenario was shown in When Harry Met Sally (I appreciate it's fictional) in the bloody eighties.
"All this time I've been telling myself that he didn't want to get married. The truth was, he didn't want to marry me."

Don’t waste anymore time on him. You aren’t the back up plan.

freezing eggs mid 30s doesn’t have the best success rates so don’t rely on that :(

OP I was once in your position. I was working on a project with a wonderful woman who had also been - years before - in a similar situation. She supported me through leaving. I knew I had to but she helped me see there was a terrific future ahead instead of being permanently stuck. I just had to leave to find it. She had done the same and found a wonderful man and got married. I did leave - heeding her words . I was in my mid thirties and had given up having children. BUT I found someone, got married and now have my own family. So happy despite life’s ups and downs. I have so much more in my life than when I was stuck!
I pass the same advice on to you…! Leave and find more happiness this way.
Good luck to you ❤️

tell him a doctors appointment is booked to discuss pregnancy health check up

tell him he has until the above date to communicate his wishes otherwise you are over
be brave and leave , he may be a nice enough chap but you are not the one for him he is being boring and lazy and you deserve better

Oh OP, absolutely leave and do not fall victim to the sunk cost fallacy. As heartbreaking as it is, it will be worse to waste even more years on him. He is not giving you what you want or need. You are in a good position with the egg freezing.

Garner your self respect and walk away. Give yourself the chance to meet someone who will cherish you and deserve you, someone you can be on the same page with. Being single is far better than being in a relationship that doesn’t meet your needs.

This happened to an old friend of mine, she thought he would change his mind, but he didn't, eventually they spilt when she was around 35, sadly she never met anyone else, she's now 48 unmarried with no children. Her ex went on to meet someone and married her and had a child. Get out now whilst you still have time.

Don't let your good heart be abused by a man who has been lying to you for ten years. I bet you wouldn't advise a friend to stick with this relationship

Honestly, just walk away and don't look back, you dont need his permission to leave. Find someone who wants what you want.

Leave. I did and it's the best thing I ever did. I looked back within months and realised how much of our relationship was centred around guilt tripping me to stay. End it now.

Leave.

10 yrs time you'll still be in this position, but the difference is you'll have no chance of having children.

If you want a family, he's not the one. He's admitted he's not ready, (not saying right or wrong, he's not ready), you want different things, don't be swayed with "soon", soon never comes. If he was ready to commit, he'd have done it already, no one sits there and watches the one they love in pain, take from that what you will.

I had this. 10 years or so. Except he was super keen to propose. Just never got around to it. Then he did and left a year later, and was married to and had kids with a younger woman from work in nanoseconds. I spent several years single, reeling. And fortunately stayed fertile into my late 30s. Get out now.