To leave him after 10 years of this

[ChouChou2024]

We met in our mid-twenties, and now we’re in our mid-thirties. After 10 years together, there’s still no commitment. Every time I’ve brought up marriage, he’s moved the goalposts, making promises but never following through. We don’t own a house together, but we do live together.

The last few times we discussed this, I ended up in tears. I feel so worthless knowing that after all this time, he still doesn’t want to commit to me. We don’t have children, and he says he’s not ready for them yet.

I’ve had enough, but every time I try to leave, he talks me into staying. He promises to buy me a ring “soon” and tells me how great we are together. To make things more frustrating, we’ve both achieved the careers we wanted and are financially comfortable. In theory, we could save for a wedding within a year, but instead, he spends his money on hobbies and has no savings.

I know I’m wasting my best years on someone who doesn’t truly want to commit, but I’m scared of breaking up because there are so many good moments, too. Am I being unreasonable to leave for good?

I would say don’t rush into another relationship out of fear or your biological clock ticking etc but definitely leave this one because he lacks respect for you and he doesn’t value you. It sounds like he’s keeping himself open for a better offer coming along but you’re the stand in for now. Children aside, that’s not a life you want to live is it?

Your life partner should be excited to commit to you - and the fact he is future faking all this time on something so serious also shows he is very manipulative, selfish and deceitful. He doesn’t care about what you want or your dreams. As long as you can keep his bed warm for now.

This attitude will seep into other parts of your life if it hasn’t already.

Leave. He's wasting your time. There is still time if you want marriage and kids but not with someone who drags their feet. I met someone at 36 and we bought a house, married and had 2 kids before I was 40.

Don't waste another day with this guy - he's not grown up enough to commit, he never will be sadly.

The best time to have left him was at least 5 years ago, the second best time is today. Just do it OP, rip the plaster off. If you stay with him, you know you're going to get more of the same, with a side dish of humiliation and the high potential for him to meet 'the one' he DOES want to marry. If you leave there is a chance at least that you will get everything you want with someone else. Or you can go it alone.

FACT!!

Waste no more time being convenient for this loser. Get your things together. End the rental of your place together. Find a short term Airbnb - put your furniture in storage. Arrange what to do with shared items. Start living your life.

You deserve more, I'll bet he understands that this is very important to you, but it's as simple as this - he doesn't care. As lovely as he is, no matter how well you are getting along as each day passes, he doesn't care about you enough to commit to your future. As others have said he will likely learn the lesson with someone else - will realise if he doesn't commit he will lose them and so it is likely that if you break up he meets someone else and settles down and has kids with them in a short space of time. Unfortunately it's a lesson you have to teach him. It's not meant to be if it hasn't happened already. Make the break - you will give yourself the best chance of finding someone else the sooner you do that.

@Whatkatyforgottodo

It will be harder for sure but I think that a rather mean spirited thing to say to some one. I hoe if you have kids you teach them to be kinder than you have just been.

Leave.
Saw this with a colleague.
Heartbreaking when he eventually agreed to try for a baby and it had been left too late.

Leave. Find someone who WANTS to marry you and have kids. Don’t settle.

He absolutely is in the wrong to keep stringing her on while her fertility declines.

Every time you try to leave he talks you out of it. Well, stop pussyfooting around, just pack a bag and leave.

Where can you go for few weeks until you get other accommodation sorted? A friend, your parents? Other accommodation doesn't even have to be permanent, it could be a house share while you take your time to either buy or find a nice rental.

You are working and have no mortgage commitments with this person, it's the easiest possible scenario. Get on the phone to your friends and family and sort out a temporary stop-gap.

It's ok for him child wise. He can have them later but you can't. Definitely wasting time with him

Count yourself lucky that you don't have children, and that you are financially secure. It makes leaving a lot easier.

Trust us when we are say that your life will be so much happier once you have gotten rid of him.

Say you want a break and move out / he might move out, it may make him focus his mind if he thinks he may loose you but be prepared that he may not.
I would personally not be too pushed about a wedding but if you want children he NEEDS to give you a definite answer and be fully on board with it

Also if he is spending all his money on hobbies he is a man child and isn’t thinking about the future

The thing is that if you've spent 10 ytears with this man, and, presumably, for a large part of those 10 years you've been holding out for marriage, a home, children... you need to accept that you don't want the same things. And to my mind, the fact that you have subsumed your desires in favour of his for so long is a bad sign about the relationship overall.

I think there has been a shift in thinking on this though, to be fair. 20 years ago when I had friends in this sort of situation, the thinking was that you can't force a man to marry you and that an ultimatum was very controlling. I always thought that was bollocks personally.

But what other areas of your life are you massively compromising on. Arguabnly, if your preference is a marriage, home and children, then every thing in your life is a compromise - from what you spend money on to where you live? And that's before we get into the "smaller" things that I worry that any woman who has got herself into this situation is doing becuase the default is that HE must be happy all the time - from foods you eat to socialising to work.

He’s a selfish tw@ , move on with your life

You know how touch and got egg freezing is.

You need to find someone to have kids with while you can still conceive naturally.

So is it that you want to get married and he doesn’t?

Honestly, I think the fact that you are in a ten year relationship yet are planning to freeze your eggs tells you what you need to know. That isn't something you should have to be thinking about in a grown-up relationship.

OP, a good friend of mine was in the same situation. Told that marriage is only a piece of paper, of course he’d look after her if they split (they lived in a house solely owned by him), she didn’t need a ring on her finger to prove his love etc.

She was hesitant but the relationship was good.

Then he died suddenly and very unexpectedly in his mid-40s. His family, who inherited everything, were kind and gave her 6 months to move.

Stay and find yourself in the same position in another 10years, although the baby doors will be closed to you.

Or leave, and give yourself the chance of the future you want.

He won't change, he's had plenty of time too.

If you want a family OP you need to leave him. I really think the stats on egg freezing aren't that great and really not something you should have to be thinking about in a long term relationship. It's difficult to go through that process from what I've read from someone who's gone through it, it's very sad you're having to contemplate that when you're with someone

Of course he's in the wrong. He is playing her by giving her a sob story every time she tries to leave while wasting her fertile years. I've had friends who never had children because of a'holes like this man. Guess what? These men ended up with families.

Leave! Even if he proposes now why would you want to marry someone who has treated you like this for the last 10 years