To leave him after 10 years of this

[ChouChou2024]

We met in our mid-twenties, and now we’re in our mid-thirties. After 10 years together, there’s still no commitment. Every time I’ve brought up marriage, he’s moved the goalposts, making promises but never following through. We don’t own a house together, but we do live together.

The last few times we discussed this, I ended up in tears. I feel so worthless knowing that after all this time, he still doesn’t want to commit to me. We don’t have children, and he says he’s not ready for them yet.

I’ve had enough, but every time I try to leave, he talks me into staying. He promises to buy me a ring “soon” and tells me how great we are together. To make things more frustrating, we’ve both achieved the careers we wanted and are financially comfortable. In theory, we could save for a wedding within a year, but instead, he spends his money on hobbies and has no savings.

I know I’m wasting my best years on someone who doesn’t truly want to commit, but I’m scared of breaking up because there are so many good moments, too. Am I being unreasonable to leave for good?

First of all your worth has absolutely nothing to do with his not asking you to marry him. Please be kinder to yourself.

My best advise is to be clear about expectations and while I never agree with an ultimatum, give him a choice as he has said he wants to get married. Something like “I love you and want to be married to you. having been with you for so long and not being married is something that really isn’t okay with me. We have been back and forth on this where I say I’m going to leave and then you say you are going to propose but it never happens….I can’t continue to do this and live with the uncertainty so I need you to understand that I have come to my end and if you aren’t able to do what you said you would and propose by Easter (or whenever), I’m afraid I will have no choice but to do what’s best for me and find someone who wants the same things I do. This isn’t an ultimatum as you have said you wanted this too but if you have changed your mind then I need to know and not waste any more time hoping you will want to marry me’

Or something like that. Take back control of the situation and know you are worth a wonderful man who wants what you do.

Men can still have children when they are 80

Females run out of time to have children

If you want children, leave him

Choose your freedom & start a new life

And please, don't waste another second trying to coax, cajole or discuss this wtih him. Just leave, with no further discussion.

This is a similar situation to two separate friends, both were in 10 year+ relationships, both their relationships ended with the man leaving them when they got to about 40, one even had a secret family on the side. Both friends then found love with another much better partner and both got married to their new partners, one had kids, the other didn't as had left it too late for her body clock. In both cases the non committed men that left them also ended up married with children to other partners within a short time frame. From knowing these two cases I would say if you have got ten years down the road and he is still not committing it is only a matter of time before you eventually break up anyway, so do it now and release yourself from anymore pain.

You need to leave. Its scary, but he will string you along until it’s too late.
Don’t tell him you are leaving, don’t give him a chance to propose or make any empty promises you know won’t happen. Take a day while he is at work and move out.
Put yourself first.

Male sperm degrades and though some men can have children past 45, it comes with risks to the baby through age degradation and DNA breakdown.

Older sperm has been linked to miscarriage, stillborn, higher numbers of both physical and mental health issues, this is noted even when the mother is young and healthy.

It is very important that these issues are more widely known so that a considered, careful choice can be made before accepting an older man as a potential father.

"Advanced paternal age has been associated with schizophrenia in many studies"

"Other specific conditions ranging from autosomal disorders such as Achondroplasia and Apert Syndrome to various congenital anomalies like Klinefelter syndrome have been associated with increasing paternal age"

"These alterations are also responsible for various types of congenital disorders and pregnancy outcomes such as spontaneous abortions and preterm births"

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4455614/

https://www.fertilityfamily.co.uk/blog/does-male-fertility-decline-with-age/
https://utswmed.org/medblog/older-fathers-fertility/

Please leave! I have watched a friend of mine go through exactly this. She was brainwashed into thinking they were soulmates. He did put a ring on her finger and got to the wedding day and called it off. After her waiting for ten years. She still stayed with him for years after this. Heartbreaking as all she wanted was children. She missed her chance and this is her biggest regret. He fooled her, deliberately mislead her for his own gains.
please please leave. you will only start living the life you deserve after you leave this man.

Just wanted to update for those who care 😂 we talked around the time I posted this thread about our priorities & we agreed on a timeline and well, here it is. Wedding hopefully summer of 2027

Congratulations, and I don’t want to be a downer, but it’s a very long engagement! Why wait?

Congratulations … I would be looking at freezing your eggs too right now .. it’s a ring with a very long engagement ..

I obviously haven’t been in your life but feel quite cynical about after 10 years he buys a ring because you are leaving

What do you mean 'hopefully' - have you fixed an actual date?

If I were you, I'd get married ASAP - the cheapest cheapie wedding if needs be. And then get cracking on trying for a baby. Otherwise you could be back on here in 2027, unmarried, no baby, still being strung along by this man. Only by then, you'll be in your late 30s and the window of opportunity for having a child that bit more limited.

I know that probably sounds like I'm pissing on your parade, but unless he's married you and you're actively trying for a baby, I don't see that you're much further forward than you were a few months ago, sadly.

These future faking men make me so angry. It's so fucking heartless and selfish to string someone along when you know they want commitment and stability and a family and you don't. I can't imagine anything less loving to do to a person, and I think you should bin him off without a scintilla of guilt.

Congratulations! Make sure you book a venue asap (big deposit) and get Dfiancé involved in the plans i.e. appointing his Best Man, choosing menu, entertainment, sending out Save the Date cards, book honeymoon etc.
From what have you have said, he could find a wedding rather overwhelming, so make sure the plans are done by him as much, if not more, by you. He needs to feel the wedding is imperative to the happiness and future of both of you, and it is something he will enjoy.

Congratulations! Who is driving the 2.5year engagement? Is it because you doing house buying and baby first?

I hope you get the marriage and the baby you want. A ring is very pretty and I’m glad you are happy.

Congratulations! As the others I am slightly wary of the long engagement considering your first post. Make sure it's not dragging on and actually happens.

Yes this, house and baby are bigger priority bc of age

That’s lovely but why over two years? I’d book the wedding for this summer and get ttc! Otherwise you will be in a tricky place if you have any fertility issues. Or ttc now and get married after… but I’d rather do it the other way.

Congratulations!

I’m not you, but there’s no way in this world I’d be having kids or buying a house with someone with this track record without getting married first. It screams of still won’t be married in ten years as “life got in the way” and then you’ll be in a much more vulnerable position. I’d be marrying in a small ceremony and you can still have a big party in 2027, but you need the legal commitment now.

come on OP please don’t be foolish!

Every time I’ve brought up marriage, he’s moved the goalposts, making promises but never following through.

I’ve had enough, but every time I try to leave, he talks me into staying

Actually, a great idea. Will definitely consider if feasible, maybe get married in my native country for family there & then have party here when we can afford it

That sounds like a brilliant compromise (and a really good reason to split the legal ceremony and the party). Congrats again!

Lovely ring.

A ring and being engaged isn’t a thing in itself, it’s a promise of commitment not an actual commitment. You can get married without that stuff.

Have you made any concrete plans for wedding, baby, house? Don’t be fobbed off with a bauble, however pretty.

Just remember who dragged their heels and created the need for a rush now. If I were you I would get wills sorted and nut out financial agreements (don’t necessarily mean legally, just write it down and both agree to the principles) re maternity leave, paying for childcare etc to protect you as an unmarried mum.

I would advise marrying first but I met my future husband at 24, married at 28, 2 kids by 33 and divorced by 40 so I am not the best person to learn from!