Our comfort chat turned into an ear slitting screaming session

[Bridget05]

Ok admittedly I'm possibly much older than you lot out there, so I might need to call a taxi but here goes.
It's just after Christmas and I live in a tiny village with one coffee shop. We attract loads of families walking on weekends which is fine. But of course the shop is heaving. Again it's OK.
My friend had an awful Christmas day with an adult autistic son, a missing pet cat = son meltdown and she just needed a shoulder. Could not go to either home as hers contains adult son, mine contains old husband watching Wheeler Dealers on full volume.
So we luckily find our usual table and get a coffee ....okaaayyy I had cake as well.
A group of grandparents, parents and a toddler arrive and sit next to us..still OK.

Now I fully understand toddlers are noisy, I get it. But to keep the already overexcited child entertained they then began an interminable game of peek a boo, who's got your nose, piggy toes etc, which then turns a chatty chirping child into a screaming harpy , creating such a noise that no one can speak. My poor friend was almost in tears from the stress.
Eventually I nicely said (yes I can do nice) that while everyone understands children's noise, could they please not add to it by encouraging her.
Seems walkers from the big city find it difficult to take polite requests. Enough said.
So AIBU to just expect a parent not to encouraging loud noise in an already packed out Cafe or us it open season on quiet breaks now.

Totally agree.

Parents of young kids need to accept that for a few years there are things they can't do.

Pack a flask and sit in the car at the edge of a park, or something.

How would this be policed? Is 10 the magic age where children become ‘well behaved and well controlled’? What about those children with SEN? Should parenting skills be assessed too, before entering a cafe?

If you are too precious to cope with sounds from a toddler then a busy cafe at Christmas is logically not the place for you. The OP could and should have had her friend over for the silence they needed. It was unreasonable to expect the cafe to be quiet for their ‘comfort chat’.

The OP could have done that if she wanted peace and quiet.

I think you should have both stepped outside and taken a walk to talk rather than try to talk in a busy cafe. You can’t control what others are rightly doing with their toddler. How do u know they haven’t also had a stressful time and no idea what’s happening in their own lives. You and your friend are not the only ones that could be having a stressful time.

God, parents of little kids can't do right, can they.
Sit kid in front of an iPad watching a Peppa Pig or something with headphones on, it's "poor kid, being ignored"
Try and interact and keep them occupied - they get told to basically shut up!
They're not to know what your circumstances are.
For all you know they may have needed a change of scenery too after going stir crazy stuck at home with an over excited toddler, wanted to get them all out for some fresh air.
Try a flask and a park bench next time.
YABU

That GIF is awful.

I'm sure it was annoying for your friend but equally a busy cafe sounds like a very poor choice of place to have a comforting chat for someone experiencing overwhelm. Given the location I'm assuming you don't live in a studio flat so presumably could decamped to your house even if you had to perch on the bed with a cup of tea? Perhaps when you realised how crowded it was?

I find screeching kids awful to be around but there do seem to be these phases where they're either screeching with delight or just crying, and have to remind myself that at least I don't have to take them home with me. Not everything a child does can be 'controlled' in the moment, as anyone who's had to march out of a venue with a screaming child held under one arm like an angry stepladder will tell you...

That’s perfectly fine and I agree, but hyping kids up to the point of them being hysterical and exceedingly loud in an enclosed space where people have paid to enjoy tea/cake and chat is not particularly considerate.

Coping with ‘normal’ toddler sounds though isn’t the issue here. It was abnormal sounds - shrieking and screaming. But you’re right about the under 10 stipulation - I’ve changed my mind. Just have cafes that ban any child under 16. Would make it easier. Obviously not all cafes will go down that route, but it would be nice for there to be a few ‘adults only’ cafes dotted around.

I agree with you, OP. Some parents are incredibly selfish and don't consider anyone else around them. No-one expects small children to be silent, but that level of noise sounds beyond irritating.

Not unreasonable at all. So many parents are unbelievably entitled and think their kids should be allowed to destroy experiences for everyone else. If people have children that can't behave keep the monsters at home and let them run riot there. Or work on their parenting skills so they don't have monsters. I think café and restaurant owners need to take some ownership for behaviour allowed in their establishments too.

Cue entitled parents angry responses.

Will loud adults be allowed in them?

Unfortunately shrieking and screaming are normal sounds for toddlers!

There's a difference between normal toddler noise and ear-splitting shrieks and over-stimulated wailing. If it was the former then OP needs to get over herself, if it is the latter then the family are ridiculous to subject the child and everybody else to that

As long as the parents keep buying I doubt cafe owners care about a bit of noise.

Christ, this country is so hostile to kids and young families. I despair

I also agree with you OP. Toddler or no toddler, I really dislike inconsiderate people who never think about how their actions (or volume) in a public place affects others. If I was there with a child I’d make sure to try to keep them as quiet as possible and if the child got cranky I’d leave the cafe. The child’s parents are the ones who should make compromises, and not expect the rest of the world to do so for their child.

Why do people on here keep saying that it’s ok that the child was noisy because the cafe is a public place? It is a cafe, not a play ground, not a mother and toddler group. So i can turn up there to enjoy a coffee and have loud conversations on the phone with my hard of hearing aunt, while someone else can sit with their coffee and listen to loud metal music? Coz why not, it’s a public place!?

Put simply, IMO, it’s good manners to keep the chat and general table noise down to a reasonable level when in a cafe or restaurant; it’s no longer a cheap affair therefore no one wants to be disturbed by a noisy child, people making phone calls, or a panting smelly-breath dog.

OP seems to have left us, perhaps to have a quiet cup of tea somewhere...

Why are people being so cunty about this?

To be fair when I’ve been abroad the kids have better manners in public and in cafes and restaurants. I haven’t seen the parents being loud and hyping them up acting like they are in their living room at home which is becoming increasingly common here.

How did your friend feel about you asking the family to be quiet? Was she ok, did she think you did the right thing?
Or is she someone who avoids confrontations? Would she have felt embarrassed and not wanted to say anything?
Given that you were meeting to offer comfort and support, whether you behaved reasonably or not will depend on how your friend was with the situation. If she is someone who doesn't like confrontations then it may have been better to bite your tongue and suggest leaving the cafe and going somewhere quieter.

As long as they don’t scream, shriek, run around the place or throw food on the floor….

But they aren’t. I’ve had toddlers who didn’t shriek or scream in restaurants/cafes. And if they did, I would have just not taken them into a cafe or restaurant until they were old enough to understand that screaming and shrieking is appropriate at a park, but not somewhere where other people just want to drink a coffee or have a sandwich with some semblance of just normal chatter.

THIS.

It really isn't fair on others to have to listen to other people's screaming/screeching children with no parental control given.
When this has happened to me, I've been the one, amongst others, forced to sit outside to escape the racket.