Was my Christmas Day "abstemious"?

[romanfriendsandcountrywomen]

I'm a little bit nonplussed because my brother's new girlfriend apparently found Christmas Day at our house "nice but more abstemious than she's used to". However, I'm also now wondering if I was perhaps a bit boring....

Present on Xmas day : DH, me, DD (19), DS (15), my parents (late 70s), DB (43), DB newish girlfriend (30 something) my niece (DB's daughter, 16.)

People arrived at 11am. It's morning so I offered teas and proper coffees etc while we opened presents. At 12.00 I opened 2 bottles of M&S sloe gin fizz (admittedly only 4% alcohol but lovely and nicer than Buck's Fizz imo) and everyone had a glass while finishing opening the presents.

About 1.00 I we had champagne and nibbles- probably about 1.5 bottles of fizz and lots of nibbly things )

Full Xmas dinner at 3.00. (Turkey, pigs in blankets, 2 stuffings, roast potato, roast carrots and parsnips, sprouts, broccoli, cauliflower cheese, Yorkshires, Christmas pudding and chocolate log.) Opened 2 bottles of red wine.

After dinner we played games and finished off the red wine and champagne. I made the traditional Christmas snowball for the teenagers. Lots of adults had one as well despite laughing at them! (Advocat, lemonade, line juice, cocktail cherry perched artistically on top!)

About 9.00 we watched a film and had cheese. I offered to open more wine and we also offered port or baileys but people were full so most just had a cup of tea.

People went to bed or got an uber about midnight.

I thought it had been a lovely day so the abstemious comment had thrown me a bit. Girlfriend is from a bigger family with lots of siblings who all bring partners and apparently it's a more "adult" affair. She was surprised there were no spirits or cocktails as apparently she doesn't really drink wine and drinks vodka cranberry/ vodka coke. We don't drink spirits so it never occurred to me and I did wonder why she couldn't have brought her own but I haven't said anything.

So there were 7 adults and 2 teens and we had 4 bottles of wine/ fizz, a couple of bottles of low alcohol fizz and snowballs, port and baileys offered. Over 12 hours apparently this isn't a lot.

Be honest. Was my Xmas day a bit boring? I probably should have asked what she liked to drink...

Personally I’d have asked any new guests what they liked to drink to make sure they are catered for. I definitely would have had more than just red wine on offer during dinner. Not everyone likes red, or wine for that matter. But also if I was fussy about what I drank, I’d also take my preferred tipple with me.

There’s no harm in being abstemious. Being abstemious is commendable in some parts. In fact let us all be more abstemious in 2025.

She said lesser food and drink than she is used to at her family gatherings that doesn’t automatically mean it is a bad thing.

That’s why people use to have a home bar back in 70s and 80s I guess. My parents drinks cabinet gave the local pub a run for its money when I was a kid.

i worked in a cocktail bar as a student (imagine a sad rip off of the cocktail the movies bar with skint grunge era students) but I still have my skills and knowledge. Maybe next Christmas I wheel those skills out, even if they are virgin cocktails, as I don’t want to be called abstemious! 😂

Your day sounds lovely but I'm confused by all the posters (although I know not actually you, OP) insulting her.
She said it was nice but more abstemious than she's used to, i.e. she didn't drink as much as she usually does. That's it, so I'm a bit confused by everyone acting as if she was rude or complained. It sounds like a statement of fact, (and one that she only provided when specifically asked and probably didn't expect to get fed back to her host!) not as if she was judging anyone.

It sounds like you pretty much only drunk wine, so if she doesn't drink wine then she probably did drink less than she usually does. She assumed there would probably be spirits, because that's what she's used to, which was why she didn't bring them. tbh if I was going to a 'drinking' house I'd probably assume they'd have some spirits there and not just wine and would have felt rude and a bit like an alchie rocking up clutching a bottle of vodka, particularly as a 'new' invitee and not part of the family, so understand why she didn't
(Different to if I was going somewhere where I knew they didn't drink at all, in which case I would expect to bring my own beverage if I wanted to drink, but tbh, yes if I was invited somewhere where I knew they do drink, there would be lots of adults and it was Christmas Day I probably would be surprised if it was only wine on offer. although I a) would have happily drunk the wine and b) bought a contribution of some sort, regardless).

There's no indication she said it was boring, only "abstemious" or "a more adult affair" (not even clear if she said this or if it's your brother paraphrasing), you seem to have been the one to infer less alcohol=boring. As you said her abstemious comment was "apparently" what she said, she obviously didn't say it directly to you, presumably it's fed back second hand via your brother, in which case I think he's being quite rude and unfair to both of you. He knows what she likes to drink and what you usually have in, he should have either asked you to get some vodka in or told her to bring her own.

Your Christmas sounds nice, but different to her usual, and apparently that's all she said, so I don't see why there's any fault on either side, other than perhaps your brother. Presumably she didn't pass on to her family that he said "never again" and that his dd had an "awful" time at hers over Easter, so he shouldn't have passed on her (much milder) criticism, if it can even be called that, to you.

My Aussie view is that it sounds like the perfect, cosy English Christmas. You did a roast turkey with all the trimmings.

Personally I think drinking spirits during the day and at a family occasion to be a bit out of place. It’s Christmas Day not Ibiza - are you meant to get on the table and dance in a sequinned mini skirt too ?

I think it was short sighted of your Brother to repeat this to you and does his new girlfriend no favours.

I don’t know if I could ever warm to someone that went around using precocious words to describe someone’s hospitality.

We're just not big drinkers at all. Both my parents brought up in the Salvation Army and only really started having a bit of wine with meals in their 40s.

DB was a PE teacher before moving into SLT and has always prioritised fitness. He went for a run Xmas day before coming! He's always getting up early for some sort of sport so never got into drinking.

I'm a lightweight and have never been able to drink much and don't like being out of control and hate hangovers. DH's parents are American from the Midwest. He thinks we drink like "Europeans"!

Girlfriend is the youngest of a very large, seemingly quite lively family. Lots of money, lots of people, lots of drinking. DB went at Easter, thought he'd drive which no one could seemingly understand and he spent hours explaining, watched everyone get very drunk, and DN was a bit traumatised as there were some grandchildren her age knocking back the drinks as well and she didn't fit in.

However we could be more fun I think. I want my kids when they're older to want to come and bring partners.

Well our Christmas Day had 10 adults ranging from 70 to 26 and we got through less alcohol than you did.

Everyone enjoyed the day and there was lots of laughing and chatting and the tv did not go on at all.

Lots of people can enjoy themselves without needing to drink a lot

If nothing else this thread has taught me that my idea of plenty of wine and champagne is very different to some people on here 😂

Db mentioned it in the context of him and DN having had a lovely time and said in padding that girlfriend said it was nice but more abstemious than she's used to"

I don't think she's said anything wrong at all. It was more abstemious than the way her family does it. It sounds like a simple comparison rather than a criticism.

If you're at someone's house for Xmas you don't start saying nasty snide remarks like that.

If she wanted cocktails, spirits etc she should've brought them. Even on the day there are some booze shops open. Maybe not in more rural places.

But your Xmas sounds lovely. And abundant with food and drink. It's not your fault she doesn't like wine. Who drinks cocktails with Xmas dinner anyway?

I had this one woman who stayed for ten years, we treated her like a family member. I cooked dinner from scratch. Her only contribution in all that time was to watch me carefully pushing my garlic and herb butter under the skin of the turkey, and remark 'ah no. Won't it be terribly greasy'. While pulling a disgusted expression. 🙄

She's since refused to even add my name to Xmas cards or acknowledge me at all.

So yeah, some people don't deserve your Xmas dinner! X

Brother's girlfriend sounds like she might be good for the odd game of scrabble or a communal crossword puzzle but not a source of yuletide glad tidings.

And mine!

Well I thought I had an above average vocabulary but just had to Google “abstemious” 😂

For a large portion of Xmas day afternoon at my MIL’s I was eating crisps and drinking water, waiting for dinner to be ready, so I think I win the “whose day was more abstemious“ award.

To clarify that is 4.5 bottles of alcohol between 5 adults ? That’s a substantial amount of alcohol I would have thought.

She'd love mine then 😂. Went for a run, no alcohol and I started folding laundry at the table after Xmas dinner as I'd been too busy to do it earlier.

We have an open house here for friends and family from 3 pm onwards on Christmas Day. I provide pudding, cheese and biscuits and party food as well as chocolate and magnums in the freezer. Everyone knows to bring their own required drink and pour themselves as they go. I think if you are invited somewhere you take your own drinks with you. I think what you provided was ok and she was a little rude. We drink quite a bit here in the afternoon but it’s a loud afternoon with party games, shouting at Alexa for the next song as well as the patio heater outside being on, lots of people everywhere etc. I host about 20 on CD afternoon.

Imagine rating your Christmas according to how much booze you manage to guzzle, wow.

About 1.00 I we had champagne and nibbles- probably about 1.5 bottles of fizz and lots of nibbly things)
Full Xmas dinner at 3.00. (Turkey, pigs in blankets, 2 stuffings, roast potato, roast carrots and parsnips, sprouts, broccoli, cauliflower cheese, Yorkshires, Christmas pudding and chocolate log.) Opened 2 bottles of red wine.
There were loads of nibbles- smoked salmon blinis, mini pies, prawns, some M&S canapés. About 5 each!

That is absolutely not a miserable spread of food. You must have a gargantuan appetite to think so.

I think it sounds lovely. After eating a meal that size at 3pm I wouldn't want to eat much later on either.

Perhaps she’s more used to white lightening and a punch up? Does she know what the word abstemious means?

Sounds amazing. My kind of Christmas.

If she is really that focussed on alcohol, it’s a problem.

To be fair, at 50 I had to google it.

Your xmas sounds absolutely amazing OP! I'm well jealous!

Sounds lovely.

Not everyone aims to get wankered on Xmas day!

She sounds rather immature.