Husband’s white lie but knows I can’t hack lying

[Pitypartayfor1]

Let me start by saying I know this is trivial but I can’t stand lies. I was in an exceptionally abusive relationship and was brought up with a compulsive liar in my father and so lies trigger me beyond belief. My husband knows and understands this and we are very open and honest with each other.

a few weeks ago he ordered my Christmas card and a present of the same website, the present came but the card didn’t and he emailed the company to say it was showing as delivered on the tracker but it wasn’t here so they sent a replacement and I ended up with 2 of the same Christmas card from him.

it’s my birthday tomorrow and usually he’s very on the ball with cards etc and he said to me oh your card hasn’t arrived. I said did you not just order it with my Christmas card like he usually does and he said yes but it didn’t arrive. I said sure you followed the Christmas card up and he said there was an option to delay delivery (bullshit) and that he panicked and hit that. I knew from his body Language he was lying

admittedly I went very quiet and he asked why I had an attitude. I asked why he lied, it’s not a big deal it’s a birthday card for a non significant birthday so why lie? He responded by getting angry and said I was so annoying and I ruin everything and maintained the card just hadn’t arrived.

i said it’ll be in your order confirmation then and long and behold it wasn’t and he lied. When I got out of the car he thanked me for ruining what was a good night.

he knows it’s not about the card, ffs I’m in my late 20s I don’t care whether I get a card or not, I’m going through a really shit time with some family members right now and my husband is the only person (sad I know) I can rely on and trust and I honestly feel depressed as fuck the night before my birthday because he’s lied to me and he’s pissed off with me.

I think there's a lot, lot more going on here than a lie about a birthday card. Neither of you seem to be behaving well at all.

Being honest, this sounds like excuses. Behaving in a controlling manner under the guise of mental health doesn't make it any less abusive.

I understand exactly how you feel, I have a sister (nc) who is a pathological liar and delighted in stirring trouble for me with our parents when we were children. It’s left me with a lifelong loathing of liars and I’m intolerant of the slightest fib.

That said, I think YABU in this instance. He was evasive because he had something planned, and you put him through the third degree. Make your peace with him, because he didn’t really do anything wrong, but use the opportunity to explain very clearly how you feel and why.

I hope you have a lovely birthday 🎉

Sorry I disagree. They are not the same in terms of what the lie covers.

Oh, dear, just saw your latest post after I posted. I hope you both get past this today and your birthday isn’t spoiled.

Get over yourself. You sound narcissistic to me. Let him be a normal
human and work on your own issues some more instead of expecting him to change.

Well done MN posters, another woman kicked while she's down, and on her birthday.

A man lies and name calls, but of course it's her fault.

I bet the (many of) nasty posters were posting #bekind everywhere not that long ago, hypocritical vipers.

This. Completely agree with all of this.

What's abusive about that? Genuinely interested.

Her husband just bought her bunch of flowers and was given to her by her son. I don't think she will be back now they're in love again.

@ThatRareUmberJoker I don't think you read the update properly!

'He has had something happen recently that I could’ve went to pieces over and when my mental health practitioner and I were chatting I was telling her about it and she asked if it made me have a dip in my mental health. I told her it had the opposite effect because I realised I needed to step up and be a support for my husband rather than me being another thing for him to worry about'

@Pitypartayfor1

OP, the more you post, the more I think you're abusive. The poor bloke can't go through something personal or a hard time without worrying that you've 'went to pieces' over. Your expectations are wildly beyond no white lies. BPD and mental health problems aren't an excuse to be this controlling.

This. He shouldn’t have lied and he should apologise, unreservedly, given that he knows how you feel about it BUT you made the lack of a card - the day before your birthday - into a big deal. You can say ‘it’s not about the card’, but if that was actually true, when he mentioned not having it, you’d have just said that it didn’t matter rather than digging for more information. He felt ‘got at’/guilty for forgetting and did what his upbringing probably conditioned him to do: make up a small lie to buy time to fix his mistake. This isn’t ‘good’, but it’s totally normal. If you expect him to be understanding of how your past affects you now, and it sounds like he usually is open and honest, then you have to also be understanding of when he slips up because of how his past affects him.

That's not ok, especially dragging the argument over. He fucked up, lied , you got upset, he got upset all pretty straight forward, but the name calling and dragging it over to the next day is not acceptable.

Just to offer a different perspective on the lying part. I had a difficult and traumatic childhood, so I learned to lie . To avoid being in trouble, to avoid confrontation, to keep myself safe etc. It took years of being with OH to finally feel safe enough to just own up to anything because nothing bad will happen. I still instinctively panic and my first reaction might be to lie , but I take a deep breath and engage the rational part of my brain.

He's probably reached breaking point from your constant unrealistic demands and controlling behaviours.

I don't condone the name calling, at all, but he's probably just had enough and rightly so.

And also, none of this would've happened if you didn't demand, want proof and press on about a birthday card. You were the one who wouldn't drop it, so you do have most of the blame in this.

If you didn't want these issues, then done raise them.

Kicked her when she's down?

She's abusive she controlling. She also asked if she was being unreasonable. Most people are saying she is.

If a bloke posted in OPs shoes, respondents like you would be very different. And the whole #BeKind white is just a misogynistic term to shut women up from having an opinion. The OP asked for opinions. HTH.

They're young in their late 20's he's made it up to her even though he said a childish comment. She will enjoy her birthday with her son and husband. She wished herself a happy birthday. The day will improve.

@ThatRareUmberJoker you're a special kind of optimist aren't you?

Sorry OP but your posts reek self-pity. And you seem to not want to accept any blame for ruining your own birthday.

I wouldn't be in the mood to celebrate it either if you had treated me like that.

He feels cornered, badgered, attacked, by your relentless determination to pin guilt on him for his trivial lie. Frankly I think I would feel like that too.

I understand that you have a problem with lying, and he knows this. But it is just that, your problem. All you've written about in your posts is your own problems and needs (and now you are feeling sorry for yourself because he is annoyed with you on your birthday. Don’t you think that’s a bit childish?) Is he allowed to have any needs himself? What if one of his needs is to not be interrogated and checked up on about everything he says, or pulled up about every single trivial fib?

Let it go. It wasn’t a serious lie. You know in theory that the real problem here is your own background, causing you to attach far more importance to this issue than it merits, yet somehow that hasn't translated into how you behave. A marriage or partnership needs give and take on both sides, accepting each other's minor foibles, even the ones we dislike.

You’ve said he is usually supportive so focus on that. I think you need to be careful - tbh it sounds as if you might be driving him away.

@ThatRareUmberJoker are you taking the piss? 😂

I'm sorry to hear about the other problems you posted about OP, you both sound as though you're at the end of your tethers.

But I will double down and ask, have you ever lived with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder?

I have, and I would challenge anyone to not tell that person white lies at times just to keep the peace/placate them.

The mood swings, the self-pitying behaviour, the unregulated emotions, the sheer paranoia can be absolutely exhausting.

I'd bet my house there's not a person in the land living with someone like this, who hasn't told a white lie for that person's own good and for their own mental health protection.

@Pitypartayfor1 how old is your son? Does he/did he ever believe in Santa?

The thing is, you are so annoyed and upset at his behaviour (a little white lie) that you can’t see your own, you’ve excused your behaviour because you are triggered by the (largely insignificant) lie but perhaps your husband is triggered by your interrogation.

You have commented on his continuing behaviour this morning but can’t see how your behaviour spiralled during the argument. In your situation I understand you not being happy with the initial lie but you could have ended the conversation with ‘you know I find it difficult when someone lies to me so I hope you are telling the truth’ and leave him time to sort out a card but you didn’t, you kicked off and searched his phone for a confirmation email. Can’t you see that’s going too far?