Husband’s white lie but knows I can’t hack lying

[Pitypartayfor1]

Let me start by saying I know this is trivial but I can’t stand lies. I was in an exceptionally abusive relationship and was brought up with a compulsive liar in my father and so lies trigger me beyond belief. My husband knows and understands this and we are very open and honest with each other.

a few weeks ago he ordered my Christmas card and a present of the same website, the present came but the card didn’t and he emailed the company to say it was showing as delivered on the tracker but it wasn’t here so they sent a replacement and I ended up with 2 of the same Christmas card from him.

it’s my birthday tomorrow and usually he’s very on the ball with cards etc and he said to me oh your card hasn’t arrived. I said did you not just order it with my Christmas card like he usually does and he said yes but it didn’t arrive. I said sure you followed the Christmas card up and he said there was an option to delay delivery (bullshit) and that he panicked and hit that. I knew from his body Language he was lying

admittedly I went very quiet and he asked why I had an attitude. I asked why he lied, it’s not a big deal it’s a birthday card for a non significant birthday so why lie? He responded by getting angry and said I was so annoying and I ruin everything and maintained the card just hadn’t arrived.

i said it’ll be in your order confirmation then and long and behold it wasn’t and he lied. When I got out of the car he thanked me for ruining what was a good night.

he knows it’s not about the card, ffs I’m in my late 20s I don’t care whether I get a card or not, I’m going through a really shit time with some family members right now and my husband is the only person (sad I know) I can rely on and trust and I honestly feel depressed as fuck the night before my birthday because he’s lied to me and he’s pissed off with me.

This. It may help if you could also try and put yourself in his shoes.

It doesn’t feel as if he was deliberately trying to be nasty/hurt you. It sounds as if he is generally considerate.

You’ve dumped on him from a great height, for something fairly trivial. I realise you have had bad experiences, but try to think about his motivations and whether his mistake (and we all make mistakes) came from a position of trying to hurt you or in the spur of the moment buy time to do something nice for you.

Dear OP, You came to the wrong place: AIBU. Yes, you are being unreasonable. But you acknowledge that your mental health is what's really wrong here. So even if you are being unreasonable it might feel reasonable from your standpoint. Try to just let go, breathe, tell your man you need a hug and move on. ❤️

I don't think it has to start there and snowball. I never lie to my DC. I've made that promise to them, but with one exception, that is gift giving. If I didn't there'd be no magic at Christmas and surprises on their Birthdays. They know I'll lie through my teeth to make their wishes come true.
You put him on the spot on this occasion and he probably panicked to save your feelings, then compounded the lie. He doesn't sound like a bad guy who tried to hurt you. It must be difficult to live up to your exacting standards.
He's making allowances for you, I think you need to try to empathise with how hard it is to keep to your rules. I think, if you can, you need to try to let this one go. I understand other lies are a complete no no, but also don't know many people that could live with this with no forgiveness for the occasional screw up.

I understand this from a one off point of view. However, when you’ve been emotionally and mentally gaslit for a good portion of your adult relationship and been told it’s to protect you it becomes exceptionally difficult to decipher what is good intentioned and what isn’t. I know that’s my problem but I also know I laid all of this bare to my husband when we met. I told him I’ll never lie to him because I can’t and that on the face of it it looks like I have my life together (good job, bit of wealth etc) but underneath I have severe and complex mental health issues.

I’m more annoyed at this stage that he’s annoyed that I called him out on it. He knows about my mental health and my issues with lies. He’s been going around this morning calling me mental and an annoying fuck. I haven’t ruined any surprise or anything by the way, he’s just pissed off that he didn’t order a card, tried to lie about it (i pressed him on it because I knew by his body language he was lying), and got caught out.

And your reaction in the heat of the moment was one thing. But you’ve also had time to reflect on how and why he responded, and whether his transgression of your rules, is as bad as you thought in the first instance.

he is working hard from the sounds of things to support you with your mental health issues. Are you working just as hard to help him when he screws up and fails? We are all human and none of us are perfect.

i pressed him on it because I knew by his body language he was lying

That's bordering on abusive.

Yes I am actually. He has had something happen recently that I could’ve went to pieces over and when my mental health practitioner and I were chatting I was telling her about it and she asked if it made me have a dip in my mental health. I told her it had the opposite effect because I realised I needed to step up and be a support for my husband rather than me being another thing for him to worry about. I think that’s why I’m maybe a bit hurt too because I genuinely stepped up.

he usually works hard to support me so I don’t know why he would do this. It’s just so trivial to lie about and it’s the fact he kept lying when I knew the truth. He was so adamant, and I knew it wasn’t a mistake or anything, I knew he was just lying.

I have dealt with enough liars to know when someone is lying. It’s not abusive. I’m actually glad of it now.

Asking someone to never lie is an unrealistic demand and impossible to achieve.
You're asking for the impossible

People are entitled to lie, what goes on in a person's own head is private and everyone should be allowed to have some privacy even in an intimate relationship. I am sorry but you need to address your issue with lying in therapy. It's perfectly ok to tell a white lie. This was small and inconsequential. It was none of your business how your partner organised your birthday card/present. In fact it was your grilling of your partner that backed him into a corner - you are starting to bring about the very thing you fear with your behaviour.

You are being controlling. The fact you have a personality disorder doesn't excuse that, you should acknowledging this is your issue and work to fix it not shift the blame to your poor husband who was just trying to spare your feelings and/or not have a huge argument.

You’re exhausting to live with, and you should consider yourself incredibly lucky he’s still with you.

Whether you want to be or not, you are controlling.

OP, I understand.

His automatic reaction was to lie about something really stupid, despite knowing how you react to lies.

He cared more about saving face than your feelings.

It's such a dumb thing to lie about too, he could have easily told the truth and it wouldn't have even been anything.

@Pitypartayfor1 you sound very intense and controlling and your reaction was way over the top.

You may not like white lies but you need to understand how your obsessive reaction makes others feel as all you have gone on about is ME ME ME with little regard of how it made your OH feel.

From what I could read, it wasn't the white lie that kicked this off, it was your relentless pursuit of the card and the details around it. He probably knows you and started feeling uncomfortable, hence the white lie.
TBH, this is more of a You problem. You need to sort out your paranoia. Not everybody is after you.He's probably aware of your issues and got scared of being interrogated till he tells the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

He is calling her 'mental' & 'an annoying fuck' and lying about trivial stuff - OP is entitled to feel upset.

Asking for honestly doesn't make someone controlling.

That puts a different slant on it. I wouldn't stand for the name calling

I'm with you op why lie? He screwed up just admit it and apologise. And the fact he tried to blame you to deflect his lie. It doesn't matter if it's a small lie it's completely unnecessary.

I lied a lot as a child /young adult. I know now it was fear that lead me to lie. Fear of punishment/consequence.

Was he worried about annoying/hurting you? I'd be interested as to why he chose to lie, amd if it was an instinctive lie then it's likely it's not his first lie.

I had an ex who similarly had a red line on lies. I’m a normally honest person. The dinner my husband has cooked doesn’t taste good, I keep schtum and tell him it’s lovely if he asks. But, if I’ve fucked up, I own it.

But this ex was pathological about sniffing out lies. Once I’d got the wrong end of the stick from a friend, but he went off on a detective hunt, asking people what they remembered about something trivial to prove I was lying. Only I wasn’t: I was mistaken. I hadn’t given him the objective verifiable facts, true, but had honestly given those as I believed them to be. This didn’t matter to him at all. As far as he was concerned it proved I was a liar.

He would also ask to see the “receipts” if he felt he had cause not to believe me. It was exhausting having my integrity questioned about inconsequential things and, importantly where there was no wrongdoing on my part, so I ended it. Largely, because I knew it was going to damage me if I stayed — and I had also had a relationship with a compulsive gambler, who lied all the time, so could understand a desire for honesty in a relationship as it’s important to me too.

god help him

youre hard work op

Came up and fired flowers at me from our son and told me I’m mental and what he does has ‘fuck all to do me with’. Logging off now. Happy birthday to me.

Honestly op I do understand hating lies and being triggered by them, I was with a compulsive liar and now I just hate it when my partner tells any lies even if small or harmless. But the truth of the matter is, every single person sometimes lies.

Can you honestly say you never ever lie?

Although I detest people lying when I thought about it, I also lie sometimes. I've said I feel unwell when I don't want to go out somewhere, I've said someone's hair cut looks nice when I hate it, I've said I'm fine when really I'm annoyed, etc etc. You may not realise it but you will occasionally lie.

So yes I'd say to your husband I'd rather you told me the truth, but please don't ruin this relationship by punishing for things your ex has done. You're never going to find anyone on this earth who never ever tells a lie.

Completely understand where you are coming from OP I grew up in a household with a problem drinker and as a result struggle with been lied too. Such a small lie from DH knowing how you feel is thoughtless on his part.

It’s good you can recognise that others would react differently but ultimately this is triggering for you and it’s ok to be annoyed.

I’ve read all your posts, OP, and I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. It’s rough and, with your PD, must hugely affect your ability to regulate your emotional responses.

You are still being unreasonable though. No-one is here to regulate your emotions for you - you are making demands of your husband that are irrational and unreasonable.

You think that never telling a single white lie is some easy act of complete honesty. In reality, our entire society is built on the little lies we tell each other and those kinds of lies are ingrained into us. It is the social glue that holds us all together. So the demands you are putting on your husband are, yes, unreasonable. Your response is way out of proportion and it sounds like, for once, your husband is pushing back and setting a reasonable boundary with you regarding how you react in these situations.

It is your responsibility to recognise when you are being triggered, take a step back, and have a process in place to calm down and analyse whether your reaction is reasonable and proportionate. It is not your husband’s responsibility to live up to impossible standards and then take a disproportionate response to transgressions.