Husband’s white lie but knows I can’t hack lying

[Pitypartayfor1]

Let me start by saying I know this is trivial but I can’t stand lies. I was in an exceptionally abusive relationship and was brought up with a compulsive liar in my father and so lies trigger me beyond belief. My husband knows and understands this and we are very open and honest with each other.

a few weeks ago he ordered my Christmas card and a present of the same website, the present came but the card didn’t and he emailed the company to say it was showing as delivered on the tracker but it wasn’t here so they sent a replacement and I ended up with 2 of the same Christmas card from him.

it’s my birthday tomorrow and usually he’s very on the ball with cards etc and he said to me oh your card hasn’t arrived. I said did you not just order it with my Christmas card like he usually does and he said yes but it didn’t arrive. I said sure you followed the Christmas card up and he said there was an option to delay delivery (bullshit) and that he panicked and hit that. I knew from his body Language he was lying

admittedly I went very quiet and he asked why I had an attitude. I asked why he lied, it’s not a big deal it’s a birthday card for a non significant birthday so why lie? He responded by getting angry and said I was so annoying and I ruin everything and maintained the card just hadn’t arrived.

i said it’ll be in your order confirmation then and long and behold it wasn’t and he lied. When I got out of the car he thanked me for ruining what was a good night.

he knows it’s not about the card, ffs I’m in my late 20s I don’t care whether I get a card or not, I’m going through a really shit time with some family members right now and my husband is the only person (sad I know) I can rely on and trust and I honestly feel depressed as fuck the night before my birthday because he’s lied to me and he’s pissed off with me.

OP, you do seem to be clinging on to your obsession with lies. Because in your eyes honesty is always good, you simply won't acknowledge the concept of the well-intentioned white lie and you bracket all lying in the same category. I'm sorry about your husband's attitude this morning, but in a way I can see how he feels that he is being blamed for nothing more than trying to avoid hurting you and the only person who has spoilt your birthday is you. You can remember one occasion recently when you stepped up for him, but you expect him to step up to ridiculously high standards for you all the time, and then make a massive deal of the fact that the poor man isn't perfect.

You need a conversation where you acknowledge that this is very much your issue, not his, and you need to talk to your psychiatrist about concentrating on this aspect of your MH difficulties, because if you don't you are never going to be able to keep relationships going and you risk pushing everyone you love away from you.

This. Have you considered counseling for yourself? Your standards are rather extreme.

It's not on him to manage your emotional issues. That's for a trained professional to help you with.

Exactly this x1000

it’s my birthday tomorrow and usually he’s very on the ball with cards etc and he said to me oh your card hasn’t arrived. I said did you not just order it with my Christmas card like he usually does and he said yes but it didn’t arrive. I said sure you followed the Christmas card up and he said there was an option to delay delivery (bullshit) and that he panicked and hit that. I knew from his body Language he was lying

If you didn't care about the card, why wouldn't your response be "oh don't worry about it, it will turn up"

Why did you push him "well, did you order it on time? Are you sure?" This is the bit that sounds unreasonable to me. Maybe he forgot, maybe he thought he had done it but didn't (I was convinced I had ordered a specific gift for my daughter but somehow I didn't.🤷‍♀️)

Perhaps the reason he chose a white lie is because he knows what sort of reaction he would get by saying he forgot.

being honest is an unrealistically high demand? Wtf?

Expecting someone to be 100% honest 100% of the time is unrealistic and I'm surprised you'd want that.

You: "How do you think I look in this dress, that I think is lovely?"
Him: "you look terrible, your arse is huge, and you look like a hooker"

You'd be happy with that rather than "I'm not sure it's the right cut / colour for you"?

I'm surprised your therapist hasn't been working with you on this kind of thing. People will rarely be 100% honest. And there is nothing wrong with that.

People will rarely be 100% honest. And there is nothing wrong with that.

Exactly and especially as the OP states... I have severe and complex mental health issues.

This makes it even more likely, if only for the sanity of the person living them.

In this scenario it's easy to focus in the things that are true...how much you appreciate the surprise and all the effort that has gone into it with no need to lie or hurt anyone's feelings.

Also known in psychology as misdirection.

"What does he look like?"
"He's got a lovely personality"

He has asked how the food is and you've essentially said "it's the thought that counts" You think that doesn't hurt?

All those times you think you are being honest by making a lie of omission, just be aware, you have hurt people.

I was wondering the same. I wonder if OP allows her son to believe in Santa / tooth fairy / Easter bunny? If so, and I hope she does, then by admission she tells white harmless lies.

If she doesn't let her son believe in those things due to her stance on 'white lies' then I feel extremely sorry for the child, as the OPs trauma is now affecting her husband and her son, when it has nothing to do with them.

I also think the OPs trauma could be pushing her husband away. I wouldn't put up with this forever if it were me.

Given that the OP has ignored every single poster who's asked if she's ever told a white lie, I can't see her answering any of this.

While understandable to some extent it is incredibly difficult to live with someone where one is walking on eggshells continually afraid one might inadvertently say something which is both totally reasonable and acceptable to the vast majority of people. I dont think it's possible to build a long lasting relationship in that situation. You sound, maybe unfairly, as if you are constantly looking for examples of "lies".

Also, it seems all about you and the need for everyone to understand your experience, your needs etc. It just sound's miserable, probably use for both of you if I'm honest

@TheClawDecides yes I've noticed she hasn't answered any of those questions, they've been completely avoided.

It's quite telling really I think.

I was wondering how OP will react as her child ages and engages in lying (as every child does)?

I told absolute whoppers.

If people lie about small things then they will probably lie about big things

Absolutely not. I have never told a big lie. Not once. I haven't even told a medium sized lie. I am well known for actually being quite forthright and not pulling punches in any given situation. But, even with my uber honesty, I know that sometimes it is better to drop the "did you not get my email?" line, than to say "sorry, I completely forgot about you" Nobody wants to feel they are unimportant.

Nobody owes you complete honesty in even the most trivial matters. Your husband apparently cares about your feelings, isn't that what matters?

If this is very out-of-character behaviour, I think you’ve just discovered your husband’s red line, after a long time of dealing with your mental health needs (and his own problems, by the sound of it). You won’t put up with lying, he won’t put up with being interrogated over a birthday card to the point of insisting that you look at his emails to prove he’s lying.

If this is not out of character, then it sounds like you should have left him a long time ago and the lying over a birthday card is the least of it.

When I was about 6 years old, we were all sat in the dinner hall at school and there was leftover cake, so the dinner ladies asked who wanted seconds.

When there were only one or two slices left, I put my hand up and said "Miss, the doctor says I have to have more cake otherwise I could get very ill and die!" 🙈😂😂

You say I am well known for actually being quite forthright and not pulling punches in any given situation but what I hear is I am incredibly rude and everyone probably says this behind my back

There are numerous times you actually should pull your punches, and it's really sad that you seem to see the fact that you don't as some kind of medal of honour.

I really want to know if you got some!

NO!

The dinner lady burst out laughing, gave me a 'Get to fuck' look and then sailed off with the last couple of slices 🤣🤣

I felt sorry for the kid opposite who looked really scared!

We had a good talk there. I got upset and he apologised for triggering me and said he genuinely didn’t think it would lead to me getting so upset. I said sorry for overreacting and said I will speak to my psychiatrist about it because it’s been a while since I have had a reaction like that. I’m pregnant too which doesn’t help matters. I also apologised for being controlling and he said he didn’t see it as controlling and knows I need more reassurance than the average person and he knew that when he married me. So we’re all good now thank goodness.

Really pleased to hear that OP. Have a happy birthday!

I have to say that is my gut conclusion.

You may not mean it Op, but you're abusing someone else due to your own trauma.

If your husband were a friend of mine, I would be advising him to get out asap.

Agree. It must a an absolute nightmare being on eggshells with op constantly and worrying about everything he says…

So we’re all good now thank goodness.

Well you are, but he doesn't sound as though he's 'good' to me. He sounds as though he's just stuck a plaster over it for now.

What else was he going to say to his pregnant wife with 'severe and complex mental health issues'? Especially when there's also the other child to consider?

Do definitely speak to your psychiatrist about this, before your marriage reaches the point of no return.

Remember there are two of you in this marriage.