Husband’s white lie but knows I can’t hack lying

[Pitypartayfor1]

Let me start by saying I know this is trivial but I can’t stand lies. I was in an exceptionally abusive relationship and was brought up with a compulsive liar in my father and so lies trigger me beyond belief. My husband knows and understands this and we are very open and honest with each other.

a few weeks ago he ordered my Christmas card and a present of the same website, the present came but the card didn’t and he emailed the company to say it was showing as delivered on the tracker but it wasn’t here so they sent a replacement and I ended up with 2 of the same Christmas card from him.

it’s my birthday tomorrow and usually he’s very on the ball with cards etc and he said to me oh your card hasn’t arrived. I said did you not just order it with my Christmas card like he usually does and he said yes but it didn’t arrive. I said sure you followed the Christmas card up and he said there was an option to delay delivery (bullshit) and that he panicked and hit that. I knew from his body Language he was lying

admittedly I went very quiet and he asked why I had an attitude. I asked why he lied, it’s not a big deal it’s a birthday card for a non significant birthday so why lie? He responded by getting angry and said I was so annoying and I ruin everything and maintained the card just hadn’t arrived.

i said it’ll be in your order confirmation then and long and behold it wasn’t and he lied. When I got out of the car he thanked me for ruining what was a good night.

he knows it’s not about the card, ffs I’m in my late 20s I don’t care whether I get a card or not, I’m going through a really shit time with some family members right now and my husband is the only person (sad I know) I can rely on and trust and I honestly feel depressed as fuck the night before my birthday because he’s lied to me and he’s pissed off with me.

Op, you are self-aware of the reasons for needing abnormal levels of truth and disclosure and oversight, ie the past trauma, but you don't seem aware of the hard work that's required in making these adjustments.

Demanding to see receipts and order confirmations is very intrusive. He's not the lying ex. He doesn't deserve for you to oversee his emails.

I agrée he should not have lied. It's not a little lie so you don't find out about a surprise or a little lie that he had cake before dinner that's why he's not that hungry. The point is he was covering up a mistake by lying to make himself look better. Trying to change your feelings by altering your perception of him. I've had an abusive ex so I really do understand why stuff like that is mega triggering.

That said you made it sooo much worse with all the questions. You should have just said "ok" when he said your card hasn't arrived yet. Because actually at that point it wasn't a lie- it hadn't arrived and the reason for that was unknown. You pushed him into admitting he forgot it or trying to cover it, and made it worse by pushing so much.

You said yourself he usually remembers. And you said he's usually strait with you. If it's not a pattern in his personality you need to let it go. He probably reacted as strongly as he did because you were from his perception trying to make him feel bad rather than make yourself feel better- because there was no way that was going to make you feel better.

I do understand how you feel though. I don't think we ever fully heal from abuse we just learn to reality check our responses and not get upset. It's always more effort even when healed than had we never been abused

But the non-driving cousin only modifies their own behaviour to cater to their problem. They don’t expect other people to stop driving. You are expecting someone else to modify their own behaviour to cater to your problem.

You are being unreasonable and making a mountain out of a molehill. You should have let it go instead of interrogating him. Pushing and pushing and demanding to see his emails about something so petty is ridiculous. You are treating him like an overbearing parent treats a naughty child.

So your husband told an unimportant lie and isn’t perfect. So what? I don’t suppose you are perfect either.

I'm afraid you sound very difficult to live with.

I'm with you, OP. I couldn't care less about Jane at work or Bob next door telling me lies, and indeed I will white lie to unimportant people (to me) about unimportant things. But I do not lie about important things, and I do not lie to people who are important to me. I need my important people to be just as honest with me. It's about trust. If you don't have trust in a relationship, you don't have anything. Your husband lying to you - an important person - about something so unimportant, is such a waste. I mean, if you are going to break someone's trust, at least let it be over something major.

I disagree with you. I hesitated about writing in my earlier post that the OP is being abusive because I thought it sounded so extreme/unkind, but I certainly understand that point of view. If a man kept on and on interrogating his wife and checking up on what she had said, to prove her wrong, about something so trivial, he would be regarded by many as an abusive husband.

And I don’t believe that lying about something like that means a person would necessarily lie about big things.

Yes, I would presume that couples who compromise or at the very minimum establish a good relationship around communication, have a better chance at surviving. I don’t think keeping it bottled up and being inflexible brings you very far.

Also the compromise would have to be both ways (hence ‘reaffirm/readjust relational boundaries’). I would hope OP’s partner can understand he unnecessarily crossed her boundaries with this, and that OP can understand there was no ill intent and her husband should have his own fresh slate with these situations. Trauma is a valid reason to be worked up about something like this but no one is infallible.

Blunt honesty might be one persons cup of tea (there is no Santa Clause for kids, the Boss gets to know he’s an idiot, MIL gets to know you don’t like the meal she prepared for you if she asks) but for the awkward / people pleasing majority (which I am certain exists) we do prefer to circumvent the truth in lieu of avoiding an awkward moment or spare someone’s feeling. Yes a lie is still a lie, but if we lose context and stop being humans about our hard lines then the world would become a bleak place. Just to give an extreme example -> pathological liar lies about where he’s been when he’s been out cheating =(?) a mom saying ‘I’m full’ so she don’t have to take one more bite of the pesto and peanut butter sandwich a 5 year old has lovingly prepared for Mother’s Day. Surely these two scenarios do not both deserve the same severe attention and scrutiny.

The situation with the birthday card and OP’s husband was of course not flowered with the same innocence as the latter scenario but it also did not carry any true malice, so OP and her partner should find a way to deal with this using a fair and balanced perspective that fully considers the context of both their respective behaviours.

I think you need to give him a break, you're being much too harsh.

don't sweat the small stuff, as they say.

i get you don't like lies, but honestly, you're taking it to the limit!

ETA The point is he was covering up a mistake by lying to make himself look better.

more like, he was scared the OP was giving him real shit and just wanted it to stop!

This. If your stipulation is no lies I can't see how you'll maintain a relationship unless you're really laid back about stuff. And asking where your birthday card was doesn't suggest laid back and chilled.

I agree OP a white lie is still a lie. It's unbelievable how many people on here think it's acceptable! Why is it so hard to just tell the truth?

But with respect, that's a 'you' problem and it's making you unreasonable and borderline controlling. It's something for you to work through and you to sort out.

See to me this is bonkers

You can't even be honest to the people you are closest to? You know it is possible to be nice and be honest at the same time right?
If my best friend and I went dress shopping we would totally be 100% honest with each other with what looked better and what didn't.

I find it baffling that some folks routinely tell white lies to the people they regard as close.
You shouldn't have to be 'polite' to your mother, best friends or life partner, they aren't strangers.

@MrsTerryPratchett I agree with @Cappuccinowithonesugarplease

You absolutely don't have to lie to people you love. This should not be normal.

Mum, I loved that Christmas present.
-mum thanks for thinking of me I love that you care
Ang, you look great in those new leggings.
-ang, if you like them they are great but I think you look better in x y or z. (I'd hate to be out thinking I look great when I look terrible!)
Fred, your new girlfriend seems nice.
-Fred, the important thing is you like her. I am happy you are happy. (If she's treating him bad or alienating his friends surely a good friend points this out)
DD, those ride-on toys are all broken.

• dd you can't play on them because it's not safe/I don't have time to supervise/they are too loud I don't want to get grumpy with you because im short on patience right now/we don't have the space we need to donate them

Omar, I'm busy that weekend so I can't come to your gig.

• Omar, im proud of you for doing it congratulations. It's just really not my thing/the noise would give me a headache/im so tired I need to get an early night at the weekends whenever I can/I wouldn't feel comfortable attending

Paul, you're doing really well with your new fitness routine... -Paul, it's brilliant you have started a new fitness routine, well done. Keep it up!

He could have gone out after she brought it up to redeem himself. Instead she interrogated him because of her pad trauma and treated him badly. Personally I think she needs to be on her own until she has worked on her trauma and herself. She's bringing it into her relationship and that's not good for her or him. Her boyfriend can't rescue her.

Your username says it all.

Try to look at the bigger picture.

You sound abusive. You sound controlling. You sound grossly self indulgent and self involved .
I hope he runs very fast and very far

People talk like the only options are to lie or to say something hurtful. In most situations there will be something that can be said that is neither.

That colour suits you (but the style does not).
Thanks for the Christmas present, mum. It smells very Christmassy.
No, we don't have time for rides today.
She's confident! Your new girlfriend will keep you on your toes lol.
I can't come to your gig this time but tell me all about it after!
I'm sure you feel a real difference in your stamina levels since starting your new fitness routine (even though you don't look any different).

Lies don’t have colours. It’s either a lie, or it isn’t.

"It still happens but rarely and when it does I acknowledge to myself that I’ve just panicked him and he’s just panicked me - and he usually has already said can I scrub that last sentence and try again."
@RollOnTheNewYear I love this, and I'm definitely hanging onto "can I scrub that last sentence and try again" for next time I catch myself kicking off with DH.

Sorry but sounds like the abused is turning into the abuser
he lied for a quiet life

Are you sure you're not telling a teeny little lie about whether you'd be bothered about not getting a card.

Maybe he knows he'd get the quiet treatment over forgetting so thought he'd take his chances

As much as I've appreciated the conversation about white lies (being a black and white thinker who tends towards rigidly judgemental) I think it might be a bit orthogonal to what's actually troubling @Pitypartayfor1 .
You have your standards, OP, you believe lying is always wrong, white or not. I think that's actually fine, and it's good you know this about yourself.
The alarm bells, for me, are with you blurring the distinctions between your DH and your abusive ex.
Yes, your husband has disappointed you by lying and you're angry with him. But saying his little lie is going to snowball into him becoming a compulsive / controlling / abusive liar is dangerous thinking. It's not true - your husband is not your ex and he's not going to suddenly turn into your ex.
I think this might be one for your psychiatrist to help you with, really keeping the boundary between your ex and what he did to you firmly distinct in your mind from your DH and what he does now.

I should’ve mentioned I’m currently being assessed for borderline personality disorder. I know I react very very badly to trivial things. It’s floored me. I’ve been woke up this morning feeling so depressed. For anyone who is saying I’m being controlling etc, I’m genuinely not, my head has been royally fucked by people who were meant to love me. You should genuinely be thankful you have normal thinking patterns and reactions. I’m trying to get there but it’s so hard.

You've accepted your thinking patterns are outside the norm. Therefore you know you are wrong to over react to this white lie.

"That's Spartacus, over there"

X-post. Am glad you're still seeking/obtaining support, OP, and hope it helps your peace of mind.