Husband’s white lie but knows I can’t hack lying

[Pitypartayfor1]

Let me start by saying I know this is trivial but I can’t stand lies. I was in an exceptionally abusive relationship and was brought up with a compulsive liar in my father and so lies trigger me beyond belief. My husband knows and understands this and we are very open and honest with each other.

a few weeks ago he ordered my Christmas card and a present of the same website, the present came but the card didn’t and he emailed the company to say it was showing as delivered on the tracker but it wasn’t here so they sent a replacement and I ended up with 2 of the same Christmas card from him.

it’s my birthday tomorrow and usually he’s very on the ball with cards etc and he said to me oh your card hasn’t arrived. I said did you not just order it with my Christmas card like he usually does and he said yes but it didn’t arrive. I said sure you followed the Christmas card up and he said there was an option to delay delivery (bullshit) and that he panicked and hit that. I knew from his body Language he was lying

admittedly I went very quiet and he asked why I had an attitude. I asked why he lied, it’s not a big deal it’s a birthday card for a non significant birthday so why lie? He responded by getting angry and said I was so annoying and I ruin everything and maintained the card just hadn’t arrived.

i said it’ll be in your order confirmation then and long and behold it wasn’t and he lied. When I got out of the car he thanked me for ruining what was a good night.

he knows it’s not about the card, ffs I’m in my late 20s I don’t care whether I get a card or not, I’m going through a really shit time with some family members right now and my husband is the only person (sad I know) I can rely on and trust and I honestly feel depressed as fuck the night before my birthday because he’s lied to me and he’s pissed off with me.

You are absolutely ridiculous. The poor guy won’t feel like he’s got any room to breathe. He’ll eventually get pissed off with you and leave. Go get counselling to deal with whatever shit you are dealing with.

When people start justifying their actions by using the expression 'my mental health' it sounds like they are weaponising it. And in this, sympathy is lost.

Start taking 50% responsibility for your emotional responses to adverse experiences OP and release yourself from emotional pain. You installed the triggers...release them. Otherwise you will continue to hurt yourself and others X

Happy Birthday op, and well done to both of you for talking and sorting it out. I know that's not easy when you're hurt. Hope you have a lovely day!

You say you can’t deal with lies at all , you’ve clearly had a traumatic experience .

However , in life , people lie daily . You probably do. It’s a normal part of life , little white lies that sometimes come out without realising . I get not standing for big lies, due to your past , but if you insist on a teeny, harmless white lie being unacceptable then you are going to have problems. The world can’t and won’t bend around you because you have trauma , you have to learn to live with this ,

This is not a serious situation . He clearly told a little white lie because he had forgotten to order you a card and probably thought telling you he had forgotten would be more upsetting for you . He shouldn’t have to tip toe around you like this , it’s not your fault you have clearly been through a lot but he isn’t the one who did it to you . For the sake of your relationship , please seek help for this.

YABU Your husband is being very abusive. Its not so much that he lied (well, to you it is, I know) but its how he blamed YOU after, was vile and hateful and aggressive to you, as if it were YOU'RE FAULT he forgot and then lied. He could have just said 'I admit I forgot to buy a card and then lied to cover it up, sorry', but no, when you were justifiably upset, he chose to gaslight and abusive you, getting in your face. I'd seriously re-think being with him. He knew the deal going in, marrying you. Whether you are 'mental' or not, is not the point. He didn't have to turn it all on you and make you feel bad, especially calling you names on your birthday. He stuffed up, not you. He is abusive and I would get away from him if I were you. It sounds like he needs therapy as well to deal with his abusive and anger issues.

Absolute total nonsense.

He knew the deal going in, marrying you.

No he didn't.

The BPD is a recent thing according to the OP.

This is glorious! 🤣

Plus again, relationships/marriage/children are not mandatory.

If you're still seeing a psychiatrist due to an ex, it's probably best not to get married if/when you know it's going to affect the person you've married so negatively.

I don't believe this at all.

Do you have kids? If so, did they believe in Santa and the tooth fairy?

These are my thoughts too. I would never get married if I knew that I was going to subject my partner to this abuse. I would stay single.
I dont know why people treat their partners like punching bags.
If you're traumatised by previous abuse, sort yourself out before marrying someone. Sorry if I'm being harsh but it's selfish and cruel.
Forcing him to show his inbox is so disrespectful and f**red up. He should not have to put up with that.

Absolutely this.

You may think you’re okay now OP, but you’re not.

Even worse she’s brought kids into this madness.

This is about lies, not BPD. From the OP herself:

"He knows that I can’t handle lies. I was notoriously gaslit by an ex and I still see a psychiatrist for this. He knew this when he got with me that my only bar was absolutely no lies because it sends me into a very depressive spiral."

@Pitypartayfor1 it is controlling. My mother was like this. It destroyed her marriage, her relationship with her children. She has five grandchildren and seven great grandchildren who she has never seen because her rules destroyed the family

And you think the BPD has had absolutely no bearing on that?

You think marrying a mentally ill person who's still receiving psychiatric help due to an ex, means 'You know the deal when marrying'?

Well I can tell you now that it quite categorically doesn't. Mental illness and past traumas have a way of shaping the future that no-one can even guess at.

And again, if the OP thought getting married and trying to control that person due to her past (present) issues was a smart move, she was very wrong too.

No, I don't. Not at all. Its a side issue (that's if she even has it). Because the issue is he knew about the lying from the outset. That is the main issue. Lying. So if he thought she was 'mentally ill' why we would he have lied when he knew that she would know, and make it worse? She said she has only recently looked into BPD. The point is, he knew from the outset what lying does to her. He knew that. He could have manned up and told her the truth. He even said he knew she wouldn't be bothered by the card. So why put it all on her, and then be aggressive.

Because life doesn't work like that and you know it.

Marriages are all about give and take, not "I have this trauma so I can do XYZ and no matter how it affects you, you have to do exactly as I say".

And the OP is STILL avoiding answering whether or not she's told a white lie, even about Santa.

It's also worrying that after the talk they've just had, she's convinced herself 'It's all good'.

Instead of understanding that it's her birthday, they have a small child, she's pregnant and it's nearly NYE.

So her husband is hardly going to say it's not, is he?

I think its just getting petty now going on about Santa. I think common sense tells us that's a completely different thing and magic for children. I also think using the 'aha, you (might) have BPD, so the problem is you' is really grasping at straws. And many of us have counselling for things in our past, it doesn't make us 'mentally ill'. Whether we think OP is being silly over white lies or not is really not the point. To the OP, its a deal-breaker. Its her values. Its her stance. Its her line. And he knew that. We also only know that he reacted with abuse and aggression, not the OP. So maybe he should get checked for BPD.

It's not petty at all.

The OP either recognises that white lies are ok under some circumstances or they're not.

And many of us have counselling for things in our past, it doesn't make us 'mentally ill'.

The OP's own words....

I have severe and complex mental health issues.

That's great, OP. Have a lovely rest of your day 🙂

I'd genuinely think about if you want to stay with someone who calls you mental especially regarding a situation they created.

The OP created *

@BigMingeEnergy no the issue began because the husband lied. If he hadn't lied it wouldn’t have happened.