Page 9 | Ick of Christmas present from Dp

DivaORJustified · 2024-12-28T12:21:49+00:00

Usually Dp give each other a wish list of specific items or vague items like earrings so the other can choose. Was really happy with the earrings he brought be, they were under stated but very elegant, exactly what I would chose. On Boxing Day when we had his dc under 10, one of his daughters presents was exact same pair of earrings in gold instead of rose gold. Am I right to feel upset about it as it doesn’t feel like a romantic or thoughtful gift anymore. Happy for opinions no matter how harsh. Thank you

Fairyliz · 28/12/2024 16:45

Sorry you sound awful. You were pleased with the earrings until you saw that he had bought them for his daughter.
Sounds like you are in competition with a nine year old girl as to who he loves ‘best’.
Are you very young?

Pandasnacks · 28/12/2024 16:45

I’ve read your updates and I really feel sorry for your partner, you are totally unreasonable and ungrateful. He’s explained he loved those earrings and why he bought them and you choose to take that as a lazy thoughtless lie. If I was him I’d never bother trying to choose something out for you again.

26YearOldFailure · 28/12/2024 16:46

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 28/12/2024 16:33

Giving two people the exact same gift (minus the colour) can make it feel impersonal and may also make you feel undervalued (which brings me back to my first paragraph).

Or giving the same earrings but in different colours can make it feel very personal about the woman and daughter in his life whom he loves and values.

Clearly, the OP doesn't feel that it was personal

ThatKhakiMoose · 28/12/2024 16:47

DivaORJustified · 28/12/2024 12:35

They were actually an expensive brand. That’s why I’m a bit dumb struck as that was the only gift I didn’t chose so would have been nice if it was a “special” gift.

How completely bizarre to get expensive designer earrings for a 9-year-old!

I think he's a bit lazy and clueless, but that's all.

I hope her mother puts the earrings away and only lets her have them for special occasions until she's older.

elfshenanigans · 28/12/2024 16:47

you said you love the earrings. The fact that his DD got the same doesn't take any of that away from you. You sound insecure, and ungrateful!

Incenseda · 28/12/2024 16:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Agreed.

I think he should up and leave and find another woman to look after his child and bank roll them.

Of course he won't.
He knows he's got a great deal.
Main breadwinners with low self esteem are a MN phenomenon, not on every corner.

In real life not many mature women would accept such crumbs while doing it all and paying for it all.

They would rightly rather be alone than be accused of being ungrateful for so little.

The OP deserves better and deep down she knows it.

Mirabai · 28/12/2024 16:49

DivaORJustified · 28/12/2024 15:24

@KarlaKK thanks and yes! A sorry I didn’t realise would have gone a long way from him.
i will prob get flamed again but he’s five years younger than me. My kids are at uni and I actually love younger children tbh because I miss doing those things with my dc. We take them abroad with us too and I am the main care giver when it comes to getting ready for beach, washing dds hair and getting them ready for the evening.

So really the issue here is the amount of work and care you put into the relationship, you’re the main breadwinner so you’re carrying him and his kids to some degree. You describe him as “ungrateful”, “lazy” “selfish”. So you’re expecting a present to do some heavy lifting in acknowledgement of what you’re doing for him. He, on the other hand just thinks of it as a nice present for his partner.

By the sound of it you both got earrings but yours was your main present while DD got other bigger things as well, which you did not?

The issue is not really the present but the imbalance in the relationship. Is he aware you see this relationship as somewhat unequal in terms of input, are frustrated with aspect of his personality, and are therefore are expecting some kind of major input into presents by way of appreciation and compensation? (Is there any gift that will make up for that?) That’s something you need to make clear to him to avoid disappointment. Or you could just ditch him and find someone you don’t have to nanny.

Original poster

DivaORJustified · 28/12/2024 16:54

Z@Mirabai wasnt expecting a big present as payment just something small selected just from him to me. I don’t care how much he spends on his dc, normal to spend loads if you can. I’ve said it so many times. Give up!

OP posts:

Mrswhatsit40 · 28/12/2024 16:56

Biroclicker · 28/12/2024 12:27

Perhaps it was a 3 for 2 deal and he has an OW?

😂

Michelle12A · 28/12/2024 16:56

Incenseda · 28/12/2024 16:48

Agreed.

I think he should up and leave and find another woman to look after his child and bank roll them.

Of course he won't.
He knows he's got a great deal.
Main breadwinners with low self esteem are a MN phenomenon, not on every corner.

In real life not many mature women would accept such crumbs while doing it all and paying for it all.

They would rightly rather be alone than be accused of being ungrateful for so little.

The OP deserves better and deep down she knows it.

Show quote history

But she didn’t get ‘crumbs’ at all…

Original poster

DivaORJustified · 28/12/2024 16:57

Partner has explained he chose earring for me only however he got an email fr same company offering him 10% to buy exact earrings.

Think the latter is a half truth - he was lazy and thought ok I’ll get same for dd!

cue the drip feed from him!

OP posts:

Wigtopia · 28/12/2024 16:58

Poppyseeds79 · 28/12/2024 15:24

Maybe next year you'll get a periscope OP

I love the periscope thread 🤭

Mrswhatsit40 · 28/12/2024 17:01

DivaORJustified · 28/12/2024 14:03

His answer was that he loved the earrings for me so brought them for his Dd and if his mum wore earrings he’d have got her a pair too.

He said he loves us both and we are both special to him.

Hes not getting my point though his actions were innocent and sweet. It’s just not the way I feel about it, that’s all.

He also told me to throw the earrings away.

I think there’s probably a lot more going on here than this being about the earrings.

You are obviously feeling in some sort of competition for his attention with his dd.

I think you’re being childish and petty. If dh bought me something and then bought it for dd bc he thought they were nice I wouldn’t give it a second thought.

Men don’t think that deeply about gifts - you are putting too many emotions/thought into the fact he went and bought you earrings and then thought “oh, dd would like those too” when he probably wasn’t that invested. He was probably rushing round the shops on Christmas Eve or ordered them last minute.

Who gives a shit?

ForZanyAquaViewer · 28/12/2024 17:03

This would annoy me. I’d find it lazy and a bit odd.

However, the key red flag for me would be how he reacted to you bringing it up. The defensiveness and ‘just throw them away’ wouldn’t be acceptable to me.

I think you should stop engaging with the posters on this thread who seem determined to paint you as some manner of melodramatic golddigger. They have decided they don’t like you, you’re not going to convince them otherwise.

Wonderi · 28/12/2024 17:04

YABU

I often buy the same gift for different people.

If you see something nice and you think more than 1 person would like it, then you’d be a fool not to buy more than 1.

I really don’t see your issue here and you’re just trying to pick a fight for attention because you don’t think you got enough of it on Xmas, as you think the DD got more attention than you.
That’s what it boils down to.

If my DH told me that I didn’t put enough effort into his gift as I got 1 gift the same as I got my DS, then I’d be telling him that won’t be buying anything other than off the list in future.

KrisAkabusi · 28/12/2024 17:05

i wasnt expecting a big present as payment just something small selected just from him to me

But he did! He bought what you have already described as exactly right for you. The fact that he bought a similar pair for his daughter afterwards should not detract from.what he got you. You admitted you loved them. Now you describe them as 'crumbs' because he also got a thoughtful gift for his daughter.

Mirabai · 28/12/2024 17:06

DivaORJustified · 28/12/2024 16:54

Z@Mirabai wasnt expecting a big present as payment just something small selected just from him to me. I don’t care how much he spends on his dc, normal to spend loads if you can. I’ve said it so many times. Give up!

I can certainly give up bothering with your AIBU, your issue is no skin off my nose.

Your posts are rather contradictory and unclear and there seems to be far more going on here than you’ll actually admit to. There does seem to be an element of competition with DD in terms of what you and she were given as an index of the value he has for you - hence the insistence that you get something different to her.

You claim you’d have been happy with something small selected just for you - but that’s exactly what he did and you’re not happy with that. If it was something else you didn’t like then you wouldn’t have been happy with that either, and if he did select something you liked but he gave DD something bigger I suspect you wouldn’t have been happy with that either.

Original poster

DivaORJustified · 28/12/2024 17:08

ForZanyAquaViewer · 28/12/2024 17:03

This would annoy me. I’d find it lazy and a bit odd.

However, the key red flag for me would be how he reacted to you bringing it up. The defensiveness and ‘just throw them away’ wouldn’t be acceptable to me.

I think you should stop engaging with the posters on this thread who seem determined to paint you as some manner of melodramatic golddigger. They have decided they don’t like you, you’re not going to convince them otherwise.

Yes exactly that. I am off out with my twin dc now and he’s gone to collect a relative from the airport. I can’t be bothered with him at the moment trying to over compensate for being a thoughtless arse!

OP posts:

OnePeppyDenimHelper · 28/12/2024 17:08

I think it's a man shopping thing

HagathaChristi · 28/12/2024 17:09

DivaORJustified · 28/12/2024 14:03

His answer was that he loved the earrings for me so brought them for his Dd and if his mum wore earrings he’d have got her a pair too.

He said he loves us both and we are both special to him.

Hes not getting my point though his actions were innocent and sweet. It’s just not the way I feel about it, that’s all.

He also told me to throw the earrings away.

Remember, men think quite differently to us. In his eyes this is a unique gift that he will only give to the women he holds most dear to him. While you are offended that he would have given his mum the earrings too and that he gave them to his young daughter, to him this marks you out as a special woman. If he had given the same earrings to a work colleague then I would understand why you are upset, but on this one I think YABU (and I am a self professed member of the LTB brigade).

P.S. If you are looking for something to be upset about: the gift could be seen as sign of male ego - you are one of the women selected to be in his club (sort of thing). But as I know absolutely nothing about your DP this is a bit of a facetious suggestion.

Hskatkat · 28/12/2024 17:11

DivaORJustified · 28/12/2024 17:08

Yes exactly that. I am off out with my twin dc now and he’s gone to collect a relative from the airport. I can’t be bothered with him at the moment trying to over compensate for being a thoughtless arse!

Show quote history

Now you've mentioned twins everyone's going to think your on a windup !

Mirabai · 28/12/2024 17:11

DivaORJustified · 28/12/2024 17:08

Yes exactly that. I am off out with my twin dc now and he’s gone to collect a relative from the airport. I can’t be bothered with him at the moment trying to over compensate for being a thoughtless arse!

Show quote history

It wasn’t thoughtless though - he selected nice earrings you were happy with and then gave some to his DD as well. That he’s thoughtless in the relationship seems to be the real issue here that you’re projecting onto a gift.

Mooshroo · 28/12/2024 17:17

Please don’t compete with a child, it’s weird.

Magnastorm · 28/12/2024 17:19

ForZanyAquaViewer · 28/12/2024 17:03

This would annoy me. I’d find it lazy and a bit odd.

However, the key red flag for me would be how he reacted to you bringing it up. The defensiveness and ‘just throw them away’ wouldn’t be acceptable to me.

I think you should stop engaging with the posters on this thread who seem determined to paint you as some manner of melodramatic golddigger. They have decided they don’t like you, you’re not going to convince them otherwise.

He's reacting to the OP being ungrateful for something she initially liked and then took the huff over because he dared to give a similar (not the same) gift to his daughter.

That's not a red flag, that's just being a normal person when someone throws a gift back in your face.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/12/2024 17:22

It's a bit odd to try and dress your partner and child the same - I wouldn't buy the same child for my son and my (imaginary) boyfriend as it kind of makes it seem like you're trying to make them look related. If a mum and daughter or auntie and niece then it's cute to match. But I don't think her mum would like the idea of him buying the two of you matching earrings either

Saying that though if they're plain I would just enjoy them, but next year say if we're gift giving please can daughter and I not match next time as I'd find it a bit odd if that was an ongoing theme :-)