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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Ick of Christmas present from Dp

459 replies

DivaORJustified · 28/12/2024 12:21

Usually Dp give each other a wish list of specific items or vague items like earrings so the other can choose.
Was really happy with the earrings he brought be, they were under stated but very elegant, exactly what I would chose. On Boxing Day when we had his dc under 10, one of his daughters presents was exact same pair of earrings in gold instead of rose gold. Am I right to feel upset about it as it doesn’t feel like a romantic or thoughtful gift anymore. Happy for opinions no matter how harsh. Thank you

OP posts:
Incenseda · 28/12/2024 15:52

Sounds like you are one of those women who do far too much for children that are not yours.
You are also the main breadwinner.
Is he in your home too?

My he has landed on his feet with you.

Can't even give you a thoughtful gift for all you do.
I certainly wouldn't be impressed if it was my husband and MY child.

I think your expectations are low and the message is you give and he takes.

You cannot change others, just what you accept.
You are accepting very very little and when you point it out you are told you are ungrateful?🙄

Ungrateful for what?
Ungrateful for doing too much and paying too much.

Wake up OP.
You are a mug with a tosser on your hands who thinks you should be grateful for his presence in your life.

I'd be helping him pack, not paying for him.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 28/12/2024 15:52

W0tnow · 28/12/2024 14:08

I’d be a bit taken aback too. His reaction seems a bit ott, depending on how you broached the situation with him, though tbh I wouldn’t have…

Perhaps responding to the OP's graceless and ungrateful attitude?

Mirabai · 28/12/2024 15:53

Women have great expectations for presents from men that are rarely forthcoming. Men don’t really care about presents or put huge thought into them in the way women do. Of the 3 men I know who are truly excellent present givers - really thoughtful, considered, beautiful gifts - 2 are gay and the other is a philanderer.

pikkumyy77 · 28/12/2024 15:54

Aspargar · 28/12/2024 15:08

It’s not a different take on things.

It’s causing high drama over a non issue. Creating problems that DONT exist.

Thats your opinion. But not the OP’s. And not mine. Its about the thoughtlessness of the gift.

rightinthedavinamccalls · 28/12/2024 15:56

EzWin2 · 28/12/2024 15:49

I think a lot of people on here are giving OP a hard time! I see why she’s disappointed. For Christmas she wanted her partner to make an effort and make her feel special with a thoughtful gift that was meant just for her because he thought of only her when he bought it. It’s not about the daughter it’s the lack of romantic gesture behind the gift! OP wants reassurance but DP is disregarding her feelings. I get it OP. I would feel the same.

I think she may have lost any sympathy when she referred to her present as 'crumbs'. A present she initially loved.

Was really happy with the earrings he brought me, they were under stated but very elegant, exactly what I would chose

WilfredsPies · 28/12/2024 15:57

His answer was that he loved the earrings for me so brought them for his Dd and if his mum wore earrings he’d have got her a pair too. He said he loves us both and we are both special to him. Hes not getting my point though his actions were innocent and sweet. It’s just not the way I feel about it, that’s all You’re asking him to attach a lot of meaning to a nice gift. You want a grand romantic gesture that made you feel special and individual, he just wanted to get you a nice gift. There’s nothing wrong with the way you feel, but there’s nothing wrong with his gift, either. It’s just different ways of looking at it. You just need to decide if it’s something you can live with or if you’re just too different to be happy together.

He also told me to throw the earrings away Well, yes, because neither of you will ever be able to see them again without being reminded of this whole argument. I wouldn’t bin them because that would be a shocking waste, but I might be inclined to give them to his DD. You’ll certainly get no pleasure from wearing them now, and he’ll get no pleasure from seeing you enjoy them.

i was in two minds to broach this but I don’t want the same thing to happen again unless it’s matching socks or pjs, not my main bloody present. I don’t want to be grateful for crumbs in this relationship Unless there’s a back story, this sounds bloody awful. Crumbs? Exactly how badly does he treat you during the year for a lovely pair of earrings to be considered crumbs?

pissed off he couldn’t buy one special thing for me to show is appreciation for all I do for him in the year. Money isn’t the issue, it’s the laziness! I wouldn’t have given 2 hoots if he got dd the same brand but a different pair Ahh, so was it a special gift you wanted? Or was it a thank you? Do you feel resentful of what you do for him? Is he not grateful enough? Do you feel like there’s inequality in your relationship?

And yes also there is recurring theme this year that I have to explain basic things that should come natural to dp for me and the way he is in our relationship. So whether justified or not I feel shit as he’s called me ungrateful and selfish You sound very resentful of him. So either it’s justified and he’s taking the piss all year, and you’re giving him the opportunity to make up for it all by choosing a special and thoughtful gift, or he’s actually a lovely, decent fella who treats you kindly and with respect but who just doesn’t have it in him to make the romantic grand gestures that you would like. If it’s the first one, 30 seconds of thoughtfulness doesn’t make up for twelve months of piss taking. That really would be crumbs. If it’s the latter, are you compatible? Or would you say goodbye to all of those good qualities for someone who is all style and very little substance?

Marblesbackagain · 28/12/2024 15:57

BunnyLake · 28/12/2024 14:04

Have to disagree. I would feel the same as OP. Why on earth didn’t he buy a different pair for his under ten year old, she shouldn’t be getting the same piece of jewellery as an adult romantic partner (in my opinion).

A jewellery gift to your partner is not (and shouldn’t be) ‘generic’.

It's generic in that there's millions of the same item 🤦‍♀️

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 28/12/2024 15:58

YABU. He obviously thought the earrings were lovely so he bought some for his dd too, and in a different colour to yours so they weren't exactly the same. There's really nothing particularly 'intimate' or personal about a pair of earrings imo (fair enough if it were an engagement ring!). It's not as if those earrings won't have been sold to umpteen other people.

Disturbia81 · 28/12/2024 16:00

Definitely a diva. First world problems.. making issues that aren't there.

PebbleDashAtOne · 28/12/2024 16:01

Is it that the earrings were your main present, and for your daughter more like a stocking filler? I’d be pissed off as well.

Kioki · 28/12/2024 16:03

Shock - he might actually love his daughter more. Which he should! You could maybe think of it another way that you're lucky to be loved as much as his precious child.

Women say all the time they'd never put a man before their kids and are praised for that. Should be the same for men/dads.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 28/12/2024 16:04

Marblesbackagain · 28/12/2024 15:57

It's generic in that there's millions of the same item 🤦‍♀️

Even if you commission a piece it's still generic.

MJconfessions · 28/12/2024 16:05

I agree with you OP, it’s not a unique gift.

pikkumyy77 · 28/12/2024 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

pikkumyy77 · 28/12/2024 16:10

Kioki · 28/12/2024 16:03

Shock - he might actually love his daughter more. Which he should! You could maybe think of it another way that you're lucky to be loved as much as his precious child.

Women say all the time they'd never put a man before their kids and are praised for that. Should be the same for men/dads.

Barf.

lightsandtunnels · 28/12/2024 16:12

You are really overthinking this OP.

He bought you some lovely earrings and liked them so bought a pair for his DD. Lucky you for getting a beautiful gift and to have a man in your life who is clearly kind towards you and a loving father to his DD - says a lot about the man.

You're talking about the gift now not being 'romantic or special' and you said 'you don't want to be grateful for crumbs in this relationship'. Seriously, OP you need to give your head a wobble. This is a pair of earrings.

To me you sound very ungrateful and selfish too.

26YearOldFailure · 28/12/2024 16:13

Is this one of those "straw that broke the camels back" moments? I'm probably reading too much into it but it seems like you might be fed up of doing nice things for him and helping him out because he may not show appreciation for what you do?

Receiving some jewellery that's just for you holds emotional/sentimental value and can be used to highlight the love and connection that your partner feels for you.

Giving two people the exact same gift (minus the colour) can make it feel impersonal and may also make you feel undervalued (which brings me back to my first paragraph).

It would be different if you were given matching gifts because of a shared interest, inside joke etc.

Elphamouche · 28/12/2024 16:14

I see no issue.

Aspargar · 28/12/2024 16:16

pikkumyy77 · 28/12/2024 15:54

Thats your opinion. But not the OP’s. And not mine. Its about the thoughtlessness of the gift.

No it’s not.

  1. She had written a list of things that she wanted. Classy. He bought those items for her.
  2. He bought her flowers
  3. He bought her a pair of earrings that she acknowledges are elegant and exactly what she likes

And yet…she manages to find a problem.
The above list does not indicate a man who isn’t thoughtful, is indicates a woman who is hard work and likes drama

xyz111 · 28/12/2024 16:22

This is ridiculous. Maybe he saw them, liked them and thought a pair for his DD would be good too. It's literally no big deal. Grow up for goodness sake.

DivaORJustified · 28/12/2024 16:22

@KarlaKK he’s not going to do any of that to make it up to me as he isn’t understanding how I feel. And yes they feel tainted and I feel stupid for being so happy about the on Christmas Day. I do work hard all year to keep the family going.

OP posts:
DivaORJustified · 28/12/2024 16:29

Aspargar · 28/12/2024 16:16

No it’s not.

  1. She had written a list of things that she wanted. Classy. He bought those items for her.
  2. He bought her flowers
  3. He bought her a pair of earrings that she acknowledges are elegant and exactly what she likes

And yet…she manages to find a problem.
The above list does not indicate a man who isn’t thoughtful, is indicates a woman who is hard work and likes drama

The list making is all his idea. I never put anything expensive on there as I don’t want or need excessive stuff.

OP posts:
IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 28/12/2024 16:30

And a partner relationship where OP extends herself financially and in other ways for this cocklodger and his cuckoo’s nest children

What a vile comment. Does that apply to a woman who earns less than her partner?

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 28/12/2024 16:33

Giving two people the exact same gift (minus the colour) can make it feel impersonal and may also make you feel undervalued (which brings me back to my first paragraph).

Or giving the same earrings but in different colours can make it feel very personal about the woman and daughter in his life whom he loves and values.

GivingitToGod · 28/12/2024 16:37

Pluvia · 28/12/2024 13:03

This. I sometimes hear men grumbling among themselves that their partners are impossible to please and I wonder just how difficult any woman could be. Then I read this and I think poor bloke, he's expected to be a mind-reader as well as to follow your detailed requirements in order not to upset you.

Mate, if you're reading this, it doesn't have to be this difficult. Go and find yourself a confident, secure woman who doesn't need gifts to feel loved and wanted and isn't in competition with your kids for attention. The latter issue is the biggie. Your kids need to come first.

Spot on

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