Ick of Christmas present from Dp

[DivaORJustified]

Usually Dp give each other a wish list of specific items or vague items like earrings so the other can choose.
Was really happy with the earrings he brought be, they were under stated but very elegant, exactly what I would chose. On Boxing Day when we had his dc under 10, one of his daughters presents was exact same pair of earrings in gold instead of rose gold. Am I right to feel upset about it as it doesn’t feel like a romantic or thoughtful gift anymore. Happy for opinions no matter how harsh. Thank you

He said that he would have got a third pair for his mum if she wore earrings. 🙈 Omg, it gets worse!

He really is clueless, isn't he. Giving the same gift to his partner, mother (potentially) and kid takes all the romance out of the partner gift. I'm not sure why people can't see that.

OP, if you had given your partner a special pair of cufflinks, and then he found out you'd given the same pair in a different metal to your dad or brother - or both! - I bet the romantic shine would soon have worn off the gift for him, too.

The earrings are still just as nice a gift as before he gave the same pair to his daughter. But a special romantic gift between lovers, it is not.

The fact that he got so defensive makes me think he immediately saw your point and feels like an idiot.

Can you explain to him that to get the same gift as his daughter just takes all the romance out of yours?

And the idea of all three of you (incl. his mum) getting the same earrings is definitely a turn-off.

Saying that tho, if he thought they were lovely and special and pretty I could see why he'd want to give his daughter something lovely special and pretty too

Yes, I can imagine myself saying something like that. I'd be really pissed off if I went to the trouble of finding earrings for someone and they reacted in the way op has.

Yabu unreasonable for being their main caregiver on holiday (except for bathing the daughter if she prefers a female)

He really should have picked a different design for his 9-year-old. I'm of the opinion that 9 is too young for expensive designer brand jewellery anyway, but that's a different story.

You’re using quite melodramatic language. He ‘dared to give’ and ‘someone throws a gift back in your face’. All very fraught.

She had an issue with something and communicated that to him. You may term that ‘taking the huff’, but I consider it to be what adults in healthy relationships do. Someone being unable to respond in kind and have a conversation would be a red flag to me.

I’ve been very happily married for almost 20
years and the thing that always strikes me about MN threads is how many people have completely normalised the inability to communicate . It’s the crux of about 90% of the threads.

Leave the bastard then.

The fact that he got so defensive makes me think he immediately saw your point and feels like an idiot.

Or maybe he's being defensive because he did a nice thing and the expensive present he bought her and she said she loved, has now been rejected, and he's been called thoughtless.

It is his daughter who should be offended. The effort and time taken to find these earrings was spent on you. It is she who got the afterthought copy.

You’re making an issue out of something that isn’t an issue. Exactly the same thing happened to me. I asked for a Pandora charm and he bought two of the same, one for me and one for our daughter. It was a thoughtful gift as he chose something he knew I’d love. Why should I care that he got the same for our daughter?

I would be pissed off with this. If OP and step daughter had decided to get matching that would be fine.
For someone one else to do it for their romantic partner and 9 year old child is odd and takes the shine off the gift for both of them.

She got a tonne of gifts from him and us and also my DCs. She had no idea how expensive the earrings were and also I didn’t say to her that her dad got the same for me, I made a fuss and helped her put them on. What an awful person I am!

He is lazy though. This: I helped get him more time with his kids by helping him legally but that’s a whole other story This speaks volumes about what kind of man he is. Why did it take his new girlfriend for him getting more time woth hia children? What did you do that he didn't have access to? Why are you the one doing the caring for his children? And the one doing the earning more and paying for his childrens things? What does he buy your children?

My point is there is no reason for you to be annoyed about this because it was you he bought these earrings for. It was you he spent the time and effort on. Him lazily buying another pair for his child takes nothing away from you.

I don't buy the 10% off email. 10% off a second purchase maybe, or buy one pair from this range get second pair with 10% off at time of purchase But I don't think a jewellery company would suggest you buy another pair of the same earrings, and that's the only deal offered, because most people wouldn't need / want 2 pairs the same.

Neither do I! Which is why I said it was a half truth at best. This isn’t really endearing him to me right now despite all the protestations of how much he loves me and would do anything for me ..: apart from by me a gift not replicated …

Well there’s millions of practically everything isn’t there?

You need to make clear to him that any gift to you must not be given to anyone else. Ever. It’s perfectly reasonable that he was not aware of this stipulation until now.

Women see gifts as romantic appreciation, men seem them as hoops to jump through to keep her indoors happy.

Just be clearer about precisely which hoops you want him to jump next time.

Were you reading a different thread?

OP, you’re not a diva. Wanting a gift that your husband has chosen for you, not something he’s bulk bought in two different colours for you and a child, is ok to want. His actions show a lack of care and likely buying things for the sake of it.

This would be a non issue for me and I would probably see it as quite a sweet effort to make a connection between you and his daughter. However, if this is the kind of thing that sets you off, I would call it a day with him. He'll never be able to give you what you want.

Point of order: buying two of the same items is not "bulk buying".

At risk of being rude - this is barmy. I'm usually against the whole 'first world problem' thing, but this is that phrase personified. As a PP said, your partner did all the thoughtful work for you. He then decided his daughter would like a similar pair. Your reaction to this is, in my opinion, completely OTT. "I can't be bothered with him..." It's a pair of earrings, for goodness sake! Either this is indicative of larger issues in your relationship, or your expectations are ridulously high and you're just generally hard work? And even if your opinions on this were justified, your anger/frustration/disappointment/whatever over a relatively tiny irk THREE DAYS later is shocking. Your poor partner!!

That is controlling and coercive behaviour to dictate in such terms to another person what they can and can’t buy for others

I dunno OP, these earrings must be least of your issues, I feel like these is something else fundamentally wrong in the relationship for you to have such a harsh reaction to a pair of earrings.

OP you are all over the place.

How can he select something when YOU GAVE HIM A LIST !?!? Seriously think about that.

You wanted to be “excited” BUT YOU GAVE HIM A LIST.

You wanted there to be shine BUT YOU GAVE HIM A LIST.

He did get you other things THAT WERE ON YOUR LIST.