Ick of Christmas present from Dp

[DivaORJustified]

Usually Dp give each other a wish list of specific items or vague items like earrings so the other can choose.
Was really happy with the earrings he brought be, they were under stated but very elegant, exactly what I would chose. On Boxing Day when we had his dc under 10, one of his daughters presents was exact same pair of earrings in gold instead of rose gold. Am I right to feel upset about it as it doesn’t feel like a romantic or thoughtful gift anymore. Happy for opinions no matter how harsh. Thank you

@FrivolousKitchenRollUse you actually offer wise words. Thank you. I don’t think posting on here is going to do me any good. There’s alot of attacking on here on how I’m wrong but no advice on a way forward.

Could it be that he saw how happy you were with the ear-rings and thought his DD would love them too but got them in a different color so that they are not exactly the same. I tend to do that with clothing, if I really like something will get the same item in a different color.

No as he gave the Xmas day and Boxing Day so that would be impossible.
I think the taste of a 9 year old and an adult would be different too.

I don’t think there is a way forward. Just be gracious (but too late now) and be thankful. Then next Christmas or birthday be clear but about what you’d like. Men don’t think exactly like women - he must have thought he was doing something lovely but it’s not been received that way. You do sound angry and bitter to be honest, which is a shame - unless the relationship is not a good one overall, I can’t see why you would be so het up about a gift,

We often buy something together for the house as a Christmas present, as making our home a nice place is more important to us than guessing what the other might like. In our family having present lists is normal - so much so, that I've had to remind DC occasionally that it's a wish list, not a shopping list. I'd rather people had what they wanted, than waste money on something they don't appreciate. We do sometimes have ideas of our own we think another family member would like, but if not, I'd rather have a list to choose from. Or we might decide to go out and have a shared experience together- theatre trip for instance.

I love a special surprise that really works for me but I don't expect it routinely.

Surely you can adjust your expectations OP if this is the only reason you are considering breaking up?

I think you should LTB!

I received a few lovely gifts this year from DH & one I absolutely hated. I admit I had a moment of wtf is this,then we had a laugh about it. I certainly don't have a low bar but where gifts are concerned I am far more interested in his love for me & his ability to treat me well in day to day life than his ability to spoil me with special gifts & romantic surprises. His love & friendship is far more important & it's reciprocated. A good man is a keeper. Throwing it away for the reasons you are giving on this thread OP seems absurd unless there is something awful I've missed or you haven't mentioned.

Sorry OP that you are victim to an all too regular MN kicking.

Posters react very badly to any complaint or dissatisfaction from women.

They prefer acceptance of absolute crumbs and STFU if you feel otherwise.

This is your life and you can break up with someone for any reason.

Do not allow nasty personal posts to make you doubt yourself.

Allowing someone move into YOUR home and paying for a lot, and putting yourself out helping rear THEIR child, paticularly the grunt work IS giving a huge amount in a recent relationship.

It really isn't too much to want to feel appreciated

After 30 years of marriage my husband still manages to do thoughful things that have nothing to do with actually cost, so never doubt that good men can be thoughtful.

Listen to your gut on this.

Posters making comparisons with long relationships that don't much bother with gifts are NOT the same a newish relationship where you are providing a home and parenting.

Unfortunately the obtuse often can't grasp nuance in threads.

Why is disagreeing with there being anything wrong with the OPs DH gesture giving OP a kicking. The vast majority agree he did nothing wrong other than perhaps wishing to strengthen the bond between his daughter & his partner. People who genuinely believe this are not being obtuse or nasty. Indeed they are trying to encourage OP by suggesting she could be rejecting a good man for a petty reason .

Nah I'd not be happy with this either OP. Thankfully my DP wouldn't be so thoughtless. I can totally see why you are upset, not diva like at all!

Because you're not him.

The thing I find a bit alarming about your post is that you want him to be like you, to have the same values as you etc. You don't accept him as he is. This is control. For him, buying you the same present as his daughter is a loving gesture but for you it makes him thoughtless. If he was my brother or friend I would advise him to run a mile because nothing he does for you will ever be good enough.

You have said yourself that you have some niggles about the relationship. If this is the case you might need to confront those niggles head on and, if you want to, leave the relationship. However, just because you want to do that doesn't justify unkindness or controlling behaviour.

In case some are wondering why I call it controlling - I would say that if a boyfriend told me what I should or should not buy for him as a present and threw it back in my face, I would see it as a red flag and would start making plans to move on.

That's good to hear. I am not battering you, op, but honestly from what you have said (and I have read all your posts), your feelings are extreme and immature, it's as if you were looking for something to criticise.

However we cannot help how we feel, I know that. It's best to sit on those feelings for a while and try to be rational, get things in perspective.

It does sound like the end of the road for you two.

Good luck in the new year.

And like you think you're in competition with his daughter. Get a grip there because you'll not win that one.

It would probably be better for OP to find a partner who doesn't have children. She appears to be extremely accepting & helpful which is admirable but who knows what is underlying.The earings debacle explains a lot. I would hate this child to find out her fathers partner objected to having the same earings given as a gift. I genuinely hope she isn't told 😓

Completely agree. She has recently complained that people have slated her but haven’t given her a way forward. I have said more than once let it go which is absolutely a way forward.

I have also said that no matter how many times she makes her point that we don’t agree. She continues to argue it and make it anyway.

She fails to see how she helped to create this situation with no ‘excitement’ and ‘shine’ of the gift because she made a list for her partner.

She won’t see that he did exactly what she wanted and that she initially liked the earrings until she realised his daughter got the same gift.

And yes she may be the higher earner and it may be her house - but in most situations there is always a higher earner and whether we like it or not it is often the man. This is at least a second relationship for both (as they both have kids previously). The housing situation? She had a house (as did he) and when they moved in together they agreed to live in her house. He works and earns well too. Why is she some hero because it’s her house and she earns more? He isn’t a loser, not working and bought her an expensive Christmas gift with his own money. She does things for the daughter like putting her to bed? Yeah it’s called sharing parental responsibility in the house - but she says nothing of what he does/. Also the kid wasn’t a surprise and she previously had kids so she probably doesn’t hate children and knew EXACTLY what raising one would mean.

OP you are a lost cause. We have repeated to move forward, to leave it alone, that your expectations are ridiculous and that you are wrong. You are entitled to your feelings but it doesn’t make them right! Being offended doesn’t make something offensive.

Talking to your partner will only make it worse but you won’t listen because your feelings trump everything. Posting anything to you is the definition of insanity because you continue to want to go down your route, only listen to the very very few who agree and think your overall situation will have a different result.

OMG it is like banging a head against a wall.

You said ‘you just wanted a nice piece of jewellery I could wear every day ….” Which is what you got!!!!

You got a lovely pair of earrings that you said you liked. You just didn’t like that he got some similar for his daughter.

YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED AND IT STILL WASNT ENOUGH.

I am using capitals in some hope that any of this will sink into you.

FFS let it go.

Why would I tell his DD? It’s between myself and him and that’s where it stays.
I always wanted someone with kids as then they would understand me and have experience with kids as I have 2! His children have never been an issue, My DC have tutored them for exams and we’ve all delighted in how well they’ve done and been nice to do it as a family at home. Evil step mother stereotype kicking in again.

The reason I wondered how old you are is because I really don't feel like you're sounding or acting very 'adult' over this.

In terms of a way forward, you talk about having sone sort of high profile, high earning career. Maybe in that case, you might reflect on how you would behave at work if you felt something hadn't gone your way. I suspect it wouldn't be by throwing a strop and then posting a thread on MN in which you refuse to listen to anybody, unless they agree with you entirely.

Another thing I'd recommend is that you write two lists of pros and cons about the relationship - list one being how you felt about the relationship pre-EarringsGate and list two being post-EarringsGate. It sounds as if you need to properly reflect on this man and if he's the right one for you. I only hope that he is also doing similar reflection of his own.

Doing a child's hair when on a holiday together doesn't make anybody the main care giver btw, but might well have been a reason that your partner maybe thought that some shared 'girl gifts' could be cute.

Anyway, I recommend you do some thinking - and also do some listening to him. Have you seen/spoken to him since he gave her the earrings? Are you still all in the same house? Are you speaking to him or sulking?

They are including with their opinion a healthy dose of kicks and insults. OP is being excoriated as an entitled twat who is jealous of her 9 year old step daughter and who should be left by her noble DP who if guilty of anything is merely “just like a man and clueless about gifts” or incredibly good as a father who “treasures” his child as so few men do, etc…etc..etc…

Its this weird MN thing where a man who is perceived as a tiny bit better than the ordinary is put on a pedestal and “rescued” and protected by commenters while a woman who is perceived as just slightly more entitled or demanding than the perfect mumsnet ideal woman is attacked as an absolute useless bitch.

Not at all OP. It's always better to put people properly in the picture when expecting answers. This save posters making up their own narrative & adding possibilities of which my thoughts were one of many. May I ask can you honestly not see why the vast majority of posters do not agree with your stance on the earings? Please don't take this personally but I also read you hated receiving a blender for your birthday. I have a blender but if I didn't I would love DH to buy one for me as a birthday gift. It just goes to prove we all have different expectations. You sound like you care deeply about your partner & his daughter & I'm sure it's reciprocated. I hope you can work this out together without making rash decisions which you could regret.

I didn't think that, or that you were jealous of your stepdaughter. Just that you have OTT expectations and seem unable to let this one go, even wanting to discuss it in the new year and all that, when your man did nothing wrong. You haven't been a couple that long either.

It seems odd.

In life we all have disappointments, this is surely not a major one, and all relationships require a little compromise at times.

Anyway, good luck whatever happens.

Thanks but I’ve explained I don’t want to discuss the earrings after the new year but our relationship in general.

Thanks @pikkumyy77 . I’ve stated on here that I lovre my dp yet people wished he left me. Anyone would think I was shagging his best friend or something equally wrong. I bet these same people will be comforting women on MN whose dps left them and wish me the same turmoil for saying I wasn’t happy with my gift.
people don’t see the other side of coin, it only hurt be because of that love.
Not proud of how I told dp or my “tantrum” but I’m sure no one’s perfect and I will self reflect.

I had a few minutes tantrum about one of my gifts OP, that's natural. If you can self reflect & work out whether it's worth your relationship is excellent. Something tells me you will get through this 😉

I hope she does reflect....hard.

Some gobshite that has moved into her home, that accepts her considerable help with his daughter and is the main breadwinner in HER home, subbing him AND his child, .....should accept being called "ungrateful" for not being delirious to know he bought multiples of her gift for Christmas.

Yea.....i don't think so
OP, this is NOT about the earrings.
Actions not words.