Ick of Christmas present from Dp

[DivaORJustified]

Usually Dp give each other a wish list of specific items or vague items like earrings so the other can choose.
Was really happy with the earrings he brought be, they were under stated but very elegant, exactly what I would chose. On Boxing Day when we had his dc under 10, one of his daughters presents was exact same pair of earrings in gold instead of rose gold. Am I right to feel upset about it as it doesn’t feel like a romantic or thoughtful gift anymore. Happy for opinions no matter how harsh. Thank you

@Incenseda I am actually going to speak to him next week. Let new year pass first and once my dc and his are not around.
I don’t think you can improve something that should come naturally in a relationship but will be good to get it off my chest.

It’s sounding more and more as if you don’t like him much. It’s also sounding more and more as if you expect him to be a mind reader and as if you will never be satisfied. I bet the poor guy doesn’t know if he’s coming or going around you.

@RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie no I don’t like him, I actually love him despite having issues. I have always said to him when I want to talk that it’s not relationship ending but something that needs to be discussed or worked through. It’s called open communication,

To give you some hope you can. It might take time and more than one conversation. Am not sure if it is a men think differently thing or that not everyone feels the same but for me presents are an expression of love, or affection or appreciation depending on the relationship. Effort rather than price matters, so if I have thought about and chosen every other gift it would matter that I didn’t have to sort out my own or accept something that didn’t involve thought.

Why would the cost of the earring be relevant? They don't have to be expensive to be nice

Well, good luck with your, ‘Open communication’. I’m wondering how you’d feel if the shoe was on the other foot and he’d had such a ridiculous meltdown over something that you had given him. I’m also wondering how old you are.

Don't agree, sorry. I don't think the OP has a "her" problem and she doesn't anywhere suggest she should be more special than the daughter. She just wanted the earrings to feel like something the husband had thought and chosen about uniquely for her. I am sure she would have absolutely no issue with him getting a considered, uniquely-chosen gift for the 9yo daughter as well. As it happens, he did neither.

I wouldn't like this either, OP, YANBU to feel how you do but I'd also be willing to bet that DP won't have thought about it in the same way that you are and that other posters are right that he saw a nice pair of earrings and didn't see the problem in getting you both a pair - perhaps he even thought you'd both enjoy wearing the same jewellery.

The OP is old enough to have 2 children at university.

Goodness knows why she bothered creating an AIBU. She's only taking on board comments which validate her pettiness.

So the issue with the present is just a symptom of something bigger in your relationship? Which you may think you explained in your most recent post, but I still can't make it out, beyond being about "communication" which you'll tell him about but he can't put right. Why didn't you post about that instead? Or at least explain the background as you went along, rather than reiterating how bad the present was because it wasn't unique to you. You still sound like someone who has put herself on a pedestal and thinks he should do so too.

@Onelifeonly the first Xmas we were together properly he brought be a milk throther for his coffee when he stayed over. It had no use for me so I told him at that point the present wasn’t really for me was it? This present was equally thoughtless as a main present. A present for a wife or partner should not be genetic but I think a lot of women on this post who have said such nasty things have a very low bar. It’s an insult he got same for his dd who saw no value in the gift an all and was rightly more interested in her age appropriate presents.

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Thank you x

Sorry didn’t realise there was an age limit for AIBU?

My goodness , you're missing the point there. I assume the question about your age was made because that poster was wondering if you were perhaps a younger person, which might go some way to explaining your lack of self- awareness and self- obsession.

My reply was , no, the OP is old enough to have 2 adult children- but is behaving like a spoilt child.

I'm so sorry OP, but you have ignored a red flag that he is a selfish thoughtless man.

A milk frother for HIS coffee for your gift?

I'm cringing that you allowed this selfish twat move in.
That is actually unbelievable.

You deserve so much better than a man who turns on you and calls you ungrateful in YOUR home.

Bloody hell OP.

Oh i do hope he dumps your entitled butt. Entitled people really upset me

@Incenseda the milk throther was a wierd one as before that for my birthday he took mr away for the night for a spa break just after a lockdown and sourced my favorite cake I’d mentioned in passing. Generally he’s always done a surpise date for me on birthdays and valentines. And now these bloody earrings .,, he’s apologised for calling me ungrateful but there is no real way to fix this? I either get over it or I don’t ?

As an anecdote my ExH once brought me a blender as a birthday present 😅 and yes I did tell him at the time to fuck off and get me something proper! Honestly I don’t know where I find these men!

You've cause a row over nothing. So he gave you the same earings as DD, but yours are rose gold because he heard that you liked this. Why are you making a fuss? It's not about what presents you get, ffs, it's about accepting gifts with grace. He says he picked something he thought you would like. Cripes. I am glad you are not my DP!

I think as well as people disagreeing (or agreeing) with the OP generally, there are also people who really don't put a lot of importance on gifts.

DH and I don't really give each other gifts at Christmas or birthdays, apart from a few things we know we might like that are fun, quirky gifts that don't cost a lot. We always choose to spend the money that we would have spent on gifts for each other on holidays or days out. We've reached a stage of choosing experiences over actual 'gifts'. If I want something then I buy it for myself as does DH.

DH shows me he loves me in many ways throughout the year as I do with him with small and big gestures and that, for me, means so much more than a gift at Christmas. We've been together now for 30 years so it definitely works for us! But that is our preference and it's not for everyone.

I think this situation is in danger of getting out of control. OP has a right to feel whatever she feels but I agree with many others that it's hyperbolic and she's taking very little of the sensible counter-points offered on board.

If you've got the ick fair enough, just seems something so innocuous to potentially end a relationship over or to risk having the relationship ended by the partner.

You are too ridiculous for words, especially as you are a woman with grown up children. Honestly! You're even going to carry this on and confront your man about this in the new year. Get real. He did nothing wrong!

I only just noticed you got together properly after lockdown, three and a half years ago, so I don't know how long you have actually lived together but obviously not that long.

I'd call it a day, nobody is going to live up to your exacting and, frankly, weird standards. It wouldn't surprise me one bit if he decided your relationship had run its course.

Let him be free to find someone who really does appreciate him and you can fish for a person who buys you 'special' gifts as surprises so you don't sulk for a fortnight.

Thank goodness you have no children together.

Alot of posters rationale is that

1. he brought earrings for me
2. loved us both so didn’t think it was an issue
3. was a typical bloke and lazy
4. that he initially chose the earrings for me

pretty much all of this he’s said plus the 10% discount thing. I am not challenging this. I am just hurt tbh and he’s upset as he wasn’t expecting me to react in this way. I probably should not have raised it in the way that I did and waited for a better time. It’s done now. I won’t be bothering with the list he always asked me for next year if we are still together.

Read my messages. I will talk to him about our wider relationship. Honestly I think a lot of posters just want to batter the op without actually comprehending what I’ve said.

@LBFseBrom he can leave when ever he wants, he’s not being held captive here. As per prev posts I’ve already said I have a plan in place if we do split.

👏👏👏 Exactly this - I could have written this post almost word for word. DH and I have been together for 44 years, married for 42, and also don't exchange Christmas presents. He shows me, in countless small ways, how much he values me. Every. Single. Day.
(Amusingly, a couple of our friends give each other money for Christmas - from their joint account! 😂 )