To think SIL should have checked with us before putting us down as carers for her son in her will?

[BillHadersNewWife]

Is it usual to ask before putting someone down as preferred guardian for your child??

DH informed me that sil told him she had asked her son who he wanted to take care of him if she died and he chose us...I mean...that's a huge ask isnt it?

Am I a complete bitch for thinking oh hell no! Honestly I didn't say much to DH but in my heart, I really don't want that responsibility. But I know dh would. So ...I suppose I'm just meant to accept it?

That would depend on whether he actually intended to step up and be an actual caregiver himself though wouldn’t it ? If not he’s just volunteering his OH.

Of course she should have asked. You can’t just assume that someone will be willing to take on and raise your children, not least because you’d surely want to know that your children would have somewhere to go with someone you know is willing to take that on?

Having and raising any child is a life changing responsibility, and is beyond ‘an inconvenience’. It’s not something either my husband or I would do.

SIL speaking to your DH about it and talking about the child's preferences surely is the asking?
It's not like you're finding this out after she's died.

It’s just a difference of opinion. My opinion is that it would be selfish in most circumstances. Your opinion is that there are many reasons why it could be justified. You have explained that and I’ve read it and understood the argument but it hasn’t changed my opinion. I doubt yours will change either. And that’s fine.

Eh?
I'm replying to a pp who said her partner wasn't allowed to say no, not an OH saying yes.

They absolutely should have asked first!!

But that being said, I think it's considered quite normal for aunties and uncles to take on the children of siblings who die tragically.

I'm down to take the 2 children of my oldest friend if anything (god forbid) should happen to her and her DH. Both sets of parents are too elderly, friend only has one intellectually and physically disabled sister, DH has 3 siblings but none have shown a scrap of interest in the children since they grew out of the cute baby stage.
Whereas I've been in their lives regularly since they were tiny.

But this arrangement happened following a quite long and serious conversation, including everything from living arrangements to financials (I couldn't afford to take on 2 more children without help).

Most families aren't Christian and godparents aren't automatically legal guardians.

I received a letter in the post a few years ago from a solicitor telling me that I had been nominated the guardian of my estranged sisters 3 boys in the event of her passing.

As I say we are estranged.

My permission was never sought by her or the solicitors - so I didnt reply or agree to it. She has 3 other sisters she is very close to so no idea what was on her mind with this decision?

The role is to decide what happens in the best interests of the child. So for example, my overseas SIL is named guardian for our DS, but if DH and I were to die in a car crash today, it would be in his best interests (which I think would be recognised by my SIL and the wider family), to live locally with my parents to finish sixth form, then go away to university. Not to move countries to live with my SIL. Our solicitor was very clear about the role/limitations when we made our will.

So essentially you and your DH would have final say on what happens to the child - live with you/live with another relative/attend boarding school/live with a family friend. You are not being compelled to take in the child; you are being asked to be 'the decision maker' that's all.

But yes, she definitely should have asked, as it's a significant responsibility.

Such a thing really needs to be discussed rather than assumed. One day I was talking with my sister (now NC as she's a horrible cow) and told her we had just made our wills. I asked if she had done hers, and said she could put us down to care for their kids if anything happened to her and her DH. Oh that's alright she said, social services would take them ....

I've stated potential factual reasons regarding why it may not be possible to take on/in another person's child(ren), backing up why it's unfair to call a person awful or selfish for saying no.
You've given no facts whatsoever and have just given an emotional response.
There's a difference.

Sorry, yes l realised that after posting. I was referring to OP’s situation. OH has agreed without consulting her and l think an awful lot depends on whether he would be hands on, or basically volunteering OP.

But even if she asked would you really say no? My sister and SIL have asked me and DH to be guardians for their children if they die. I don't really want to but I won't say no and risk them being put in to care.
I suppose you can say no but hopefully it'll never be an issue and I think saying no will cause problems between you and DH.

But even if she asked would you really say no? My sister and SIL have asked me and DH to be guardians for their children if they die. I don't really want to but I won't say no and risk them being put in to care.
I suppose you can say no but hopefully it'll never be an issue and I think saying no will cause problems between you and DH.

Yes, she should have asked.
Imagine assuming someone wants responsibility for raising your dc.
I wouldn't want my dc to go to anyone who wasn't fully on board or had the chance to properly consider what they may be taking on.

Ah, ok.
There's some sub-discussions happening, which can be confusing.
I agree that nobody should be agreeing on someone else's behalf or declaring that their voice shouldn't be heard.

Yes nice to ask

If anything happened to us we asked mini blondes big adult sister (via dh 1st marriage) if she would be guardian

She was honoured and said yes at once

Very unlikely to happen but nice to know dd would be cared for

My dd (3 dcs) and her cousin (4) have reciprocal agreements in their wills, since all GPs already in their 70s would be too old.

But IMO there should also be financial provision made in any such will. E.g. a bigger house might well be needed, never mind all the usual expenses.

I don't know anyone who would say no

I would and I have to my siblings. I don't have children, I don't like children and I have no desire to take on someone else's - especially siblings who I don't get on with anyway.
My husbands family are luckily all adult now and his adult children either can't have or don't want children so the situation isn't going to arise there. Thank god 🤣

‘carers’ is very different from legal guardian.

Most people l know have had their children christened and even if not particularly religious, the godparents play a role in the upbringing of the child.

Your viewpoint (which I do agree with btw) is no more factual than the people arguing the other way. It's all subjective.

You think that xyz reason is a good enough reason to say no. They disagree and think it could be overcome.

I suppose they're are a few objective scenarios e.g you're in prison/being held hostage, but I think everyone would agree with those ones!

So would you prefer he went into care?

I really don't know how to respond to replies like this tbh, because I have already explained it in really, really simple terms.

You're assuming it's then or care.....might there not be other options?