To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

[merrychristonabike]

Me DH and our kids went to a hotel for xmas - a tradition we adopted to escape the 'where will you be at xmas?' from mum and dad every year. We've invited them and my in-laws before, but it wasn't fun as my parents were clearly put out they were sharing the time with in-laws.
On arrival on xmas eve, my parents were there to 'surprise' us and we were furious. My husband later asked them why they were there and my dad flipped, telling my husband he'd always had his suspicions about him and generally being a dick. Dad didn't wish DH merry Christmas, ignored him at dinner and left without saying goodbye to either of us,
It ruined the 3 night stay. They didn't bring the kids' gifts - I think so we will still have to go see them and I just can't face it. There's a bit of back story to their behaviour, but it's too long for here other than them being overbearing and intense. And I also just want to know AIBU? And what's your advice yo navigate this?

Have you read all the OP's posts? Her parents sound like narcissistic nightmares. The only reason that they are not being invited this year is that they have ruined every single Christmas Day that they have spent with OP and her family.

If you have read all the OP's posts and still think that OP needs to spend more time with her parents to make them feel special and loved, you are supporting people (OP's parents) who actually sound abusive, particularly OP's dad.

@merrychristonabike you need the Christmas 24 stately homes thread to begin to understand your parents and how to deal with them

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5233578-december-2024-but-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

This is a perfect example of the absolute twaddle that comes from not bothering to understand the OP or read the updates before you post.

Considering the manipulation and bullying by op's parents I wouldn't let children anywhere near them. Toxic/dysfunctional families are often generational, the kids should not be exposed to this level of manipulation it is not healthy.

Alright there, Tiny Tim? Did you read the OPs posts

I swear some posters wilfully ignore pretty much all
of an OP’s updates/clarification just so they can wang on from whatever high horse they’ve chosen to mount. Have we had the ‘you’re lucky, my parents are dead’ line yet?

It patently clear that the OP’s parents are controlling and manipulative, and that rocking up at the hotel was nothing more than a power play. It wasn’t to benefit the OP, he husband or her kids. It was all about them, and it sounds like it always will be, given the chance.

OP, I’d find a different hotel for next year and give away nothing about it ahead of the day.

If they’ll gatecrash a hotel, OP’s home won’t present any problems for them. They’ll probably bring their own turkey !!

If it wasn’t for the mention of her two year old son l’d have thought she was OP’s mum - you can almost hear the sobbing as you read !!

I’d also, then, take this up with the hotel. It’s a GDPR violation as they revealed not only that you were staying there as guests but also indirectly your room details. Would they do this for an abusive partner tracking down his ex? It’s illegal.

Honestly, I would absolutely take the hotel to town for this, they are as much part of the the issue because had they not confirmed that you and your children were staying there, your parents would not have booked. I’d insist on a refund and mention contacting a solicitor.

Your parents sounds dreadful OP. YANBU

Stay home next year but tell them you're going away!

It’s impossible to impose boundaries on parents who have no boundaries.

You are married, have children and it’s now up to you how you do Christmas and who with.

Your Parents are incredibly rude and self absorbed. Don’t let their ridiculous self absorbed behaviour spoil your Christmas memories.

I can’t see a way forward unless you go NC or Low C with these crazies ! I certainly wouldn’t be tolerating their bs in the future x x

Can understand why this has annoyed you/ upset you. Let the dust settle then talk to your mum as it sounds like your dad has anger issues, I would be concerned that you mum is needing support if your dad is so easily angered.

Going forward could you not talk to your sister and alternate so the year you are with your in laws she is with your parents and vis versa?

Nice bit of victim blaming there. And therapy would be for OP to understand why her parents behave the way they do, not to learn how to just suck up more of the same. How about rather than OP learning how not to be affected by their behaviour, they learn how not to inflict it on her in the first place. Sometimes no contact is the only reasonable way forward.

Bear in mind the the OP tried to have a nice Christmas with her children. It was the OPs parents who decided that the Christmas that the OP and her husband had chosen for their children wasn't appropriate and changed it to suit what they wanted.

You need to stop rewarding their behaviour. Setting boundaries isn’t enough you have to be willing to enforce them. So next time something like this happens you turn to your parents and say “well hope you enjoy your stay” and you do not eat dinner with them. You don’t socialise with them. It’s not fair to your husband to be subjected to people who openly denigrate him like that especially in front of his children.

I'm so sorry this is your experience but grateful you posted as it sounds so familiar to mine. Especially the putting how-it-looks-to-others above your feelings!
This was partly the reason they booked to join us apparently, as if they'd gone out for a meal just the two of them, then "how would that look to folk that we're not with our family?"
The worst thing is - I do sympathise and feel sorry for them and wish it wasn't like this, but it's only like this because of how they are. It's got worse as they've got older and I had a family of my own. Before my DH and kids I indulged them always - and now I concentrate on my own family it's clearly not going down well.

OP I've been in your shoes. We booked a city break. Family (who I don't get on with) got wind of it and invited themselves along.
Rather than put up with them, we cancelled it.
Don't tell them of your plans in future. The more you can cut down your contact with them, the better your life will be. Flush the turds in your life.

Yep me too! It’s great that some people clearly have lovely parents and GPs, but that’s not the case for OP.

And why did the hotel confirm it, even disclosing the room numbers so M&D could get a room next door, and be seated with them for every meal ? The hotel have been complicit and l think breached GDPR, and l’d be demanding an explanation.

They sound absolutely atrocious OP. I can't believe people are defending them! Who books themselves into the same hotel as someone else without asking? Especially over Christmas! That's totally trampling over your boundaries. And it's clear from what you say about the backstory that this was a calculated move.

Yes. And I've known/saw this for years and tried to help her but she won't do anything about it.
The result is, I try not to enflame situations to protect her but that only serves to facilitate his behaviour and so it goes on in one big horrible cycle.
She's not entirely blameless in that she's also not behind the door in her constant remarks and observations about me/DH/kids etc.

I suggest that next year you, OH and the children stay home but mention to NO ONE what these plans are. Let the overbearing parents think you're going to the same hotel and carry on with their plans to gatecrash again.

In hindsight, it is not wise to share information and much as I love my family I most certainly do not want to go on holiday with then nor would I dream of gatecrashing their plans.

OP I feel for you, sounds awful.

The reason they surprised you was because they knew you'd say no if they asked. It was to deny you agency and choice and that's bullying.

When you say you 'were furious', do you mean you felt furious and tried to hide it or you actually behaved in a furious way and shouted at them in the restaurant? I assumed you meant the former.

You are allowed boundaries and you are allowed to get your needs meet too. They need to take responsibly for their behaviour, which may mean they end up spending a lot of time just the two of them. They aren't 'alone' as some posters have manipulatively described it, they have each other.

They are adults, they could choose to behave better and if they don't, you are allowed to choose to not be in their company.

We were supposed to be meeting up with them and DS and her family today and I've said we're now not going.
My mum has since been on the phone wailing that she's devastated and that I've ruined her Christmas and why am I stopping my children from seeing her? She never sees it from any other perspective than her own. She's always the victim and I'm always the perpetrator in her eyes.
They saw us Monday, were at the hotel Tue, Wed and left Thursday. She was then on at me to come to theirs yesterday (didn't) as well as meeting up at a restaurant with DS and fam today. I think that's excessive to want to see us that much over xmas. Meanwhile, we still haven't seen ILs yet.