To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

[merrychristonabike]

Me DH and our kids went to a hotel for xmas - a tradition we adopted to escape the 'where will you be at xmas?' from mum and dad every year. We've invited them and my in-laws before, but it wasn't fun as my parents were clearly put out they were sharing the time with in-laws.
On arrival on xmas eve, my parents were there to 'surprise' us and we were furious. My husband later asked them why they were there and my dad flipped, telling my husband he'd always had his suspicions about him and generally being a dick. Dad didn't wish DH merry Christmas, ignored him at dinner and left without saying goodbye to either of us,
It ruined the 3 night stay. They didn't bring the kids' gifts - I think so we will still have to go see them and I just can't face it. There's a bit of back story to their behaviour, but it's too long for here other than them being overbearing and intense. And I also just want to know AIBU? And what's your advice yo navigate this?

Te answer to that is a resounding yes !!

Of course YANBU and you were far more restrained than I would have been

They deliberately gatecrashed your plans, trampled over your blind toes and made it all about them. I’d be so furious I would have to go NC for a while until the dust settled

They sound as selfish and self absorbed as fuck. A pair of narcissistic nightmares.

You are absolutely not in the wrong. Do not apologise. They’re in the wrong not you.

I was thinking this. Supposing they were stalkers or something? It's not on for the hotel to amend your booking on the say so of someone else who claims to be a family member - they should have confirmed the change to the meals with you.

And they gave out your bedoom number!

It really does sound like our parents are very similar! The amount of times we've gone out places with them and they make the grandkids take posed pics just to show off, they don't seem to see how forced the smiles are, even their own photos they look miserable.

In a way I'm glad they blew up at our DC as it's given us a specific thing to focus on and realise their behaviour isn't acceptable and it makes it easier to explain if other people ask.

It is hard seeing other families getting along nicely and wondering why we can't have that. It can feel like you're going crazy or being unreasonable or over sensitive but I think that's just how they've wanted me to feel so they get their way.

Sorry it's been a quite therapeutic talking about this!

They booked the room next door and got the hotel to seat them together for meals for the duration of the stay. The intention was clear.

ii would

do they have a key to your house?

Families can be so complicated and feelings are heightened at Christmas.
I suppose you know that next time you want to be alone you simply don’t tell them.
I hope things improve in your relationships in the future.

Not quite the same thing, but we learned the hard way that you keep things on a need to know basis.

My late husband's ex and her boyfriend booked themselves into the sister hotel of our honeymoon hotel...abroad. (Fortunately, she hadn't done her homework. Our hotel shared facilities with hers, but ours was actually a mini-bus ride away: we checked out the 5 star hotel once and decided that we preferred our 4-star. We didn't bump into them once.)

Pray do tell how the OP and her family, who are the target of this parental shit show, have been rude ? It’s abuse. It’s been dished out year after year and they’ve had enough. Or are you another in the ‘it’s Christmas, so suck it up’ camp ?

I’m sorry OP but it’s you who’s unreasonable and emotionally immature here. You are a separate entity from your parents and you are not responsible for managing their moods. Putting firm boundaries in place is your job, you should neither use your DH as a human shield nor expect him to sacrifice the relationship with his parents to appease your clearly dysfunctional mother and father.

Your DH and children come across as the real victims in this situation. Getting therapy would be a good idea.

I’m shocked at some of the responses having a go at the OP and thinking she should apologise because her parents trampled over her boundaries -
I would be so far beyond furious if anyone did this to me, I’m not sure I could be in contact with them afterwards.

I feel the same. And it is cathartic! I can understand why it's difficult for some people to have sympathy as I appreciate some people would give anything to have their parents with them - especially at this time of year. But for me it's not a happy situation - it's stressful and upsetting and I envy those who don't feel that.

Tell them now that you are going back to alternating. Because this year in was ‘theirs’ next year you are at the In-laws. Because they are stopping the in-laws from seeing their children and grandchildren. Book a hotel near your in-laws with a different surname.

That will give you breathing space and give them a consequence for their actions.

I think she must have told them

Text them and say

''Christmas was awful and I am very upset at what you chose to do and the way you treat DH. I do not wish to have any further contact for the next 6 months at least. We all need a complete break from each other to give us time to calm down and reflect on whether we can actually repair the relationship and change it going forward.

I would hope we can and that you can change your behaviours and we can establish some appropriate boundaries, but am prepared to accept that might not be possible in which case we will not have a further relationship.

Please do not attempt to contact any of us. There will be no response from us. You are not welcome at our house. Any letters will be returned unopened and I have blocked you on phone/email/social media.'

Just let them stew on that. No doubt they'll be furious , dramatic, and all the rest but let them get on with it. Don't give in. I think you'll find you are happier without them in your life. They will, of course, remove you from any inheritance, but sounds like a price worth living with to me.

They both sound highly manipulative .

I agree with this. It wouldn’t have killed you to make them feel welcome instead of the family leaving them alone and then your DH bollocking them for trying to change that. And no, I am not a mum or MIL in this situation, but it does seem unkind and unnecessary.

It does sound quite full on.

But I’m stuck on you wanting their gifts for the kids but not their company.

But we all see things from our own perspective including you.

You say your mum sees herself as the victim and you as the perpetrator but here you are seeing yourself as the victim and her as the perpetrator.

So, you both see things the exact same way but with the starring roles reversed.

I would also be interested to know what tone and which words your husband used when he asked your dad why he and your mum were at the hotel.

OMG @merrychristonabike the people who just haven’t read your posts! I have the most wonderful
parents who’d never do this and I can see just how toxic it all is. Try not to pick up the phone to them - if you’re needed your sister can let you know, surely. They clearly won’t listen so I just think you can only be less available. As for the kids’ presents well I think just write them off for now and possibly in future. Your parents don’t get to set your social calendar?

Absolute rubbish. The only rude ones were the parents for invading a private stay. Personally if I was OPs husband I would never speak to them after the way they treated him.

curious as to what you do for 3 days in a hotel? particularly with dc
anyone else do this over christmas?

I think your parents are ridiculous.
Your children have two sets of grandparents with equal importance.
You’ve seen your parents A LOT over Christmas, and their behaviour is entitled and very selfish.
You can’t reason with crazy OP
You have tried different ways to be fair to everyone and your parents are too wrapped up in their own egos to be reasonable
I think you need to prioritise your marriage and kids
You said your sister is with her ILs this Christmas, does she get the same crazy behaviour from your parents ? Or has she managed to create boundaries?

what an idiotic comment

if it was that easy then we wouldnt have posters on here talking about personal
problems with people

@AsTheLightFades youre an idiot

Why do so many people seem to think adult children should be nothing but grateful for having their boundaries trampled and their choices taken away?

How many people would honestly be delighted to find that someone they had actively chosen to avoid had turned up and joined in with their plans, and wouldn't be at all shocked? Really truly? Is it because it's OPs mum that she's not allowed to be upset and should grit her teeth and get on with it? Why isn't the OPs mum being expected to take any responsibly?

Well done for not going.

I fear you might have to change hotels?

You need to be very clear with your parents that what counts, in terms of family time, that what you and DH and your DCs want comes first. And that you don't give a shiny shit (use those words if you feel able) what other people think. And that you don't appreciate any attempts to guilt trip you over anyything ever.

It's not easy but you need to put space between you all and possibly discuss Christmas arrangements early enough in the year (without telling them your plans) that there are no questions about what it is that you want and will accept. (visits to family like this may be better in the run up to Christmas, rather than in the aftermath, because it feels more christmassy)