To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

[merrychristonabike]

Me DH and our kids went to a hotel for xmas - a tradition we adopted to escape the 'where will you be at xmas?' from mum and dad every year. We've invited them and my in-laws before, but it wasn't fun as my parents were clearly put out they were sharing the time with in-laws.
On arrival on xmas eve, my parents were there to 'surprise' us and we were furious. My husband later asked them why they were there and my dad flipped, telling my husband he'd always had his suspicions about him and generally being a dick. Dad didn't wish DH merry Christmas, ignored him at dinner and left without saying goodbye to either of us,
It ruined the 3 night stay. They didn't bring the kids' gifts - I think so we will still have to go see them and I just can't face it. There's a bit of back story to their behaviour, but it's too long for here other than them being overbearing and intense. And I also just want to know AIBU? And what's your advice yo navigate this?

It sounds like your parents just want you & your children to provide them with a social life, so make excuses not to join groups or to make successful friendships with people their age who have more time.
Also, from what you have said, the negative way they communicate & interact with each other has made them believe this is a 'normal' way of living/communicating. People outside the family will not tolerate this & neither should you. It's not fair, kind or normal & it's affecting yours & DH family life. As your children get older they will see it too.
I have had a very similar situation with my DM which has affected my wellbeing. Just because someone is a family member does not mean they have the right to be rude to you (& hubby), spoil social events & expect you to be responsible for their happiness & entertainment.
It is a difficult situation but not one that should continue.
I wish you all the best OP.

Thank you for the update. It's hard to encapsulate in a post isn't it and to explain to others the dynamics within a family. It sounds like you have done all you can to tell them how you feel and it doesn't sound as if they are willing to accept that they need to make compromises and take into account your feelings.
Perhaps the only thing you can do is be civil with them, but put very clear boundaries down. They will hopefully get the message that you have your own life and family and that it isn't fair to be drawn into their dramas. You aren't responsible for their happiness, which they don't seem to take on board. Wishing you all the very best for the future.

Your parents do this in order to put all the responsibility for their happiness onto you. There are two of them and they could have a lovely active retirement together, but they are deliberately choosing to shun any activities that don't involve you and your children. It is pure manipulation on their part.

Add to that their disdain for your husband and his family and that they expect their family group to consist of themselves, you, your children and your sister (and I presume her children if she has any) and it is clear that you can never have a normal, functional relationship with them without putting an unbearable strain on your marriage.

What was your DFs upbringing like @merrychristonabike ?

Thank you. You sound lovely, like my own MIL, who is so supportive along with FIL - not about this issue per se (as I try to hide it as much as poss), but just in general.

They are happy, fun, supportive people who I so cherish and support us and love us and make life easy for us without asking anything in return, whereas if my folks do Anything to help it's like I need to give thanks and praise over and over.

This is interesting.
I was married a year when I realised that I couldn't be happily peacefully married, enjoy my husband and be a good happy wife if I had periodic drama with my parents upsetting me.

On a final visit my father had one of his moody tantrums and my mother had spent the visit picking at me and making digs about my friends and in laws.

I was so done.
It was such a relief to know that though painful too.
I grieved for about two years the parents they had never been.
When their death came 25 years later it was that of a stranger I once knew.
Bizarre really, but dry eyed.

'Direct' is the word you're looking for.

The response was far more polite than the situation merited. Encouraging people to kow tow to their abusers is very far from being kind.

Read HEALTHY BOUNDARIES by Chase Hill.
It will help you sort out your feelings and work out a strategy. I dare say gate crashing the hotel and being objectionable is one of many instances. They sound toxic

You were absolutely right to do what you did. Those Ten Commandments left out a very important detail. To honor those parents, they need to be worthy.

A fool? I don't think so and frankly, that was extremely rude of you.

I sincerely hope they don't have similar issues when THEIR children grow up and decide to banish them from special occasions.

I will. Thanks

That would depend on their behaviour towards their children.

I might have missed a chapter but did you manage to get out of fetching the kids' presents? That would be the final straw for me!

You seem incapable of reading all OP's posts which clearly explain why her parents' behaviour at Christmas was unacceptable and how it was just the tip of of a very large iceberg.

OP's and her DH's parenting is not toxic and enmeshed and they will be teaching their own children to have healthy boundaries so it is very unlikely that their children will avoid contact with them on special occasions. OP's parents have reaped what they sowed.

You think that OP's children should be forced to witness her father's rages and "mild" violence?

Wow 😮

@thepariscrimefiles has this spot on Op. Your DPs only want to do things with you and your DSis, your DHs are irrelevant to them, in fact they resent and dislike them because they threaten your parents hold on you.Your DPs don't really see you as adults, you're still supposed to be their DC who puts them before anyone in their eyes. As your DPs get older this will get worse, they won't want carers or cleaners, it will have to be you and the emotional blackmail will only get worse.
I really hope you can keep to your new resolve @merrychristonabike because as an adult you do get to choose what you do with your time.

In response to the first PP, they have not been 'banished' from the special occasion at all. Quite the reverse. They commandeered Christmas day and the 3-5 days immediately surrounding it, completely to the detriment of the other set of grandparents.

Let's hope DH's parents don't feel they are the ones being banished, but they might well be forgiven for that intepretation of events. Either way, OP/OP's DH lose out and are 'rude' for banishing their parents from a special event.

What's sauce for the goose, and all that...

I sincerely hope, if they are as toxic to their children as their parents are to them, that their children will enforce similar boundaries.

Wanting to pass dysfunctional relationships on over multiple generations is really sad.

You haven't given your reasoning why the OP is unreasonable to

•Be with her in-laws exclusively some Christmases (bearing in mind that her parents were extremely rude to her in laws last time they were all together for Christmas)

•want Christmas away in a hotel with just her DH and children sometimes without her parents rudely gate-crashing in

Why do you think her parents should be able to get exclusive access every single Christmas?
Do his parents not matter?

Why do you think her parents are entitled to dictate to and overrule the OP?

Why can't you see that the way her parents are carrying on the OP may cut all contact completely - it would be entirely reasonable to do so - and her parents would be to blame for that.

They will be alone together and it'd be all their own fault.

If you can't see this you are indeed a fool.

It’s just that your opinion doesn’t really add anything helpful and it’s quite rude towards OP, so people get angry as she’s had to put up with a lot already.

Well there’s no reason they should have similar issues, as OP and her husband clearly understand boundaries.

I bet you’re one of these grandparents who throws a strop if they’re told they can’t just turn up any old time with no notice - the “I am NOT making an appointment to see my own grandchildren” crowd.

Your comment above makes me think you do not understand how narcissist-like abuse works, otherwise you'd understand (demonstrated by not making such comments) how comments like this are insensitive and sometimes even harmful to a person who likely already doubts themselves after years of behaviour trampling their boundaries and forcing them to ignore their own needs or guilt tripping them for seeking to take space from bad experiences.

I've read the OP's comments in full and have no reason to dispute her experiences as she's laid them out. I therefore can't understand this reckless comment (my opinion) in the context. It could be life has given you experiences which mean you can't relate to her, but a bit of compassion and empathy would be nice.

Your dad’s anger isn’t your problem. Your mother has been dealing with him long before you and as it’s her husband she is going to have to deal with him.

If there is a history of physical violence then it’s even more important you separate yourself from all that and understand that your mom has to find it in herself to make steps to get out of that situation.

my grandfather was violent toward my father and grandmother. I was raised by my grandparents. He was violent toward me too. I understand the egg shells you feel like you’re walking on to avoid that anger.

You’re an adult with your own family to protect. So first you need to protect your peace and consider if you’re really the person you want to be with your family if you’re busy juggling the emotions of two adults. It’s not fair to you or your kids and spouse.

Take a deep breath. Put yourself and your family first. You’ve lived with that nonsense long enough.

OP you're YANBU and tbh many of these responses that say you were being rude or pacifying your parents are just pathetic to me. At some point as an adult you need to be able to stand up to your elders or you just become an enabler of manipulative and abusive behaviour and clearly many people here prioritise the appearance of peace above their own feelings. I'm glad you have a husband who is in your corner as well. It sounds like this is a longstanding problem your parents have given you and I recommend that when the time is right you maintain your boundaries and see if they're open to a mutually respectful relationship. If not, then just like we expect children to, they can live with the logical consequences of that.

No her parents are emotionally immature and many of you are so used to enabling this type of behaviour that you go to lengths to do so.
OP has stated clearly she has a precarious relationship with her parents so seeing them every week is likely the result of that relationship strain (ironically frequent visits can be the result of a good and a bad relationship).