To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

[merrychristonabike]

Me DH and our kids went to a hotel for xmas - a tradition we adopted to escape the 'where will you be at xmas?' from mum and dad every year. We've invited them and my in-laws before, but it wasn't fun as my parents were clearly put out they were sharing the time with in-laws.
On arrival on xmas eve, my parents were there to 'surprise' us and we were furious. My husband later asked them why they were there and my dad flipped, telling my husband he'd always had his suspicions about him and generally being a dick. Dad didn't wish DH merry Christmas, ignored him at dinner and left without saying goodbye to either of us,
It ruined the 3 night stay. They didn't bring the kids' gifts - I think so we will still have to go see them and I just can't face it. There's a bit of back story to their behaviour, but it's too long for here other than them being overbearing and intense. And I also just want to know AIBU? And what's your advice yo navigate this?

Thanks 😊 TBF to DM she did a degree in later life, which DF did everything in his power to put her off of, but she graduated. Never used it though, but I was proud of her for completing it.

I do suspect that she won't participate in stuff like this now though; she is v creative and DS and I have bought her loads of art/craft stuff and lessons that she hasn't used.

She isn't doing anything creative or anything really with her time since she's retired. Just wasting away really. I feel so sorry for her, but a bit aggrieved in equal measure as she has her health and she could be making a good and full life for herself but chooses to stay in and watch tv all day every day. I suspect her and DF are very clinically depressed.

I've mentioned this, softly, but it's roundly met with defiance and indignance.

Thank you

And just to add that this is normal - they are taking your energy, a bit parasitic, so you will become more and more drained and that’s why very important to have boundaries and protect them, though I imagine you have been trained not to, as they brought you up (hence therapy).

I had a similar experience to you and for ages I thought it wasn't "valid"/real because it wasn't a huge big storm of easily definable abuse or a momentous one-off event. But then I read something where it was compared to giving someone a dead arm - you can punch someone on the arm once or twice in the same place and it has no effect, it only seems like something minor, but after you've done it enough over and over that they've got a dead arm, it's a very different impact. One punch after a dead arm hurts far more than the first punch did.

It's the build up over a long period of time, and it doesn't even necessarily have to escalate.

I went NC a long time ago and it was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I had to learn what was "normal" because everything I assumed was true really wasn't. On the other side of it half of me is amazed I let it go on that long and half of me is completely unsurprised given I was presented with an entirely different view of reality and no evidence or even a hint that anything else existed.

But the parents did know that OP wanted a break without them (because of a long back story of rude and manipulative behaviour) and as compensation OP spent the 23rd Dec and had agreed to attend a family lunch on the 28th with her parents. They did this because Christmas is uncomfortable with OP's father having rages and OP's mother sobbing and guilt tripping and both parents' animosity to OP's DH. Her DH's parents get no look in.

But the parents didn't respect this at all. They said their farewells/see you after Christmas to OP's family in the full knowledge they were going to gatecrash their holiday within 24 hours. Then OPs father flew into a rage and called OP's husband "a dick" when he asked why the parents were at the hotel. The GPs also turned up without presents for the grandchildren's Christmas so they would be forced to go to their house to collect them ....

Then - despite spending December 23rd, 24th, 25th, 26th with OPs family - her parents throw a huge wailing tantrum about them no longer spending the 28th with them.

Did you read what I wrote?

That I don't understand why some people don't understand the distress and abuse that people like the OP suffer?

And that you don't have to have suffered it yourself to understand?

I assume the OP is the polar opposite of her parents so I highly doubt her children will be trying to avoid her.

My daughter has allways been distant and quick tempered
So much has happened these last 6 months
It appeares she hates me on Christmas day she called me evil and a narcasist
I try so hard I'm on egg shells
There is a family event coming up she lives in Manchester me in norttingham
Her fathers family will be there we split 26 years ago he also hates me still I have seen him once in that time and he screamed shouted at me . My daughter says everything I do is not right because I did my hon degree partime she says its crap
I was there this past 6 months when her partner was diying and she had cancer womb had hysteractomy of course I was there I travelled stayed alot slept at hospice with daughter visited her when she had hysterectomy took her home I don't want a medal I'm mum it was natural
We bought her back up here after partners death since then been at her dad's and his partner he lives up her too
Since we are back she has turned in me visited 2 times each time aggressive goes stomping off
I apologised on Christmas day I said if I upset you I'm sorry
Since then she sent me a text can you sort celebration of life
I said think it best you do it as it's your personal tribute I had orginaly offered help but now I feel on the day she will gun for me if anything goes wrong . I so wanted to support hoped this would bring her closer
She let me support at hospital hospice and other things during this period . Once we dropped her at her dads that is it I am not spoken to contacted
She has organised celebration of life i have funded it
But it's her dad's family I have no family I am dreading 😕 it I don't know what to say or do
Of course I know she's grieving and hss been unwell herself
I am so worried about her she will live alone now far from family with no friends I'm worried but she doesn't want me involved no contact says I'm evil narcasistic mother

You need to grey rock

"What's wrong is that you turned up when you knew you weren't invited and you were nasty/unpleasant/critical of the man I love very much"

University is a bit of a misnomer as there are no exams

It's a primarily a social group with a wide range of interests, which vary from branch to branch.

The interests can range from walking, to history, to science to bridge to line dancing and everything in between

But whether she'd be up for going out is another matter

u3a is not really university,
more like meeting other people, different groups, for different interests
i guess she has to Want to

If your parents don't behave any better when your in-laws are there, please, don't subject your ILs to them. Tell your parents they have a tendency to ruin happiness, and you just don't want to do it anymore. The ball is then in their court. You owe it to yourself and your family.

also the WI

@WillowTit @Nanny0gg I should've said, having googled u3a, I realised it's not a university. The example I gave of DM doing a degree in the past was to illustrate that she has had the wherewithal to do stuff outside her norm in the past, which I was proud of her for, but that now she wouldn't give any of this the time of day.
I once suggested she join a local craft group and she clearly thought the people who do that aren't up to her standards. "I mean, I know who goes to these classes and I couldn't stand to be in these gossipy bastards company". 😳🙄
How Groucho Marx of her 😂🙈

Seriously, she sounds beyond help!

She's bright enough to understand her situation but it sounds like she is somewhat responsible for it.

I've seen a lot of rows and some 'mild' violence, which isn't acceptable, but again feel like - or have been made to believe - that it isn't THAT bad.

What is mild violence?

my dm couldn't stand the thought of volunteering in a charity shop, all those gossips !
but she changed her tune and has been volunteering for Years now, in the back room, sorting, so not gossiping, but she still feels useful

My folks think all of these things are below them. Mum told dad if he joined the local bowling club they "were finished". He joined the local swim club, lasted 8 weeks before he'd fallen out with everyone.
He told me he's basically misunderstood but that he can't have conversations with anyone as they can't match him for conversation, intelligence, class, etc 🙈

How old are your kids?
My friend has a manipulative MIL. She's very toxic.
My friend's concern is now her daughter is at senior school and has a phone that MIL will get manipulative with her via text and try and get her on side etc.
Just something to add to the mix.
Also abuse isn't just about physical stuff and full blown neglect. Have you had counselling to try and make sense of it?

My DIL has this kind of relationship with her parents, by her own admission she seeks to please and it is never good enough. As PIL we can see the toll it takes on her and find it very sad. I understand though, as I had a similar dynamic with my mother.

As GP, we realise that there will be years when we see the GC on Boxing Day or some other day during the Xmas period, and we are fine with that, we don't expect to take precedence. Your/all parents should behave that way, and if they don't, they only have themselves to blame if you orchestrate it that way.

There is so much more I could say as an outsider looking in at my DIL's maternal relationship, but it isn't my place, and so as PIL we seek to support and bolster her self-esteem and hope that she can find the strength to move forward.

Good luck OP with a difficult family issue, which I doubt you will ever fully resolve, but one which I hope you can find a solution for which doesn't cause as much angst as it is currently doing.

The U3A is great.....lots of different activities & groups for older people. Walking, gardening, book club, crafting, trips to London & interesting towns. I know many older people who find it very helpful re: getting out & meeting people rather than relying on family members (adult children) to entertain them. Most boroughs/council has a U3A.

Please see my post about the U3A... another poster has mentioned it too.

YAB a fool. OP should want her children far away from these toxic grandparents. I imagine they witness far more than a ruined Christmas throughout the year.

Just something to add to the mix.

Add in the 'mild violence' - then the 'frightening, aggressive, shouting' and watching your own loving parents being constantly insulted, humiliated, criticised and bullied by said mildly violent, fightening, aggressive and shouty man and his weeping and wailing wife. Thats too much for any DC to absorb and tolerate. I would never leave my DC alone with such dysfunctional behaviour. I can imagine the confused hurt and pain that the young DCs internalise sensing the distress and discomfort of their parents subjected to the words and actions of the GPs.

These DCs will likely in turn develop their own anxieties and learn from their DM to normalise and tolerate emotional abuse and people please bullys. We need to role model to our DCs what is acceptable respectful and polite behaviour and if we encounter otherwise we speak up calmly and assertively - and if that gets no traction we dont engage and walk away. They need this skill for the playground, for friendships, for healthy romantic relationships and work colleagues.

I can see that the OP is confused by the 'good stuff' - but thats not enough to write off the bad stuff. Bullying is often repeated or frequent hostile acts engineered to be just 'small' enough to sound petty if you call them out - but it is the incremental, accumulation of a repeated pattern of behaviour that defines the compounding, death by a thousand cuts approach. Although I dont think that the behaviour of these characters is even that subtle.

I really feel for you OP.
This is your life until they die if you remain in contact unfortunately.
They cannot change who they are, nor do they want to.
Your whole life has been about humouring these people.

I totally get it, I was you until I was 30.
Until I was done.
I dropped the rope and never regretted for a minute doing so.
I know it caused my parents embarrassment in their very middle class lives that their successful daughter no longer visited.
They were very confused by it🙄.
My very old close friends knew exactly why.
They never had any relationship with my children as I wanted them fully protected

As time went on I only wished them well.
They had chosen to treat me unkindly as parents and had given up any right to a relationship.
I never regretted even once wanting to have a peaceful drama free life.